The Last Jersey Shore Ever: Bonfire of the Series Finales

I can’t believe we’re here. After three years of alcoholism, abusive relationships, and unsightly arrests for unruly behavior, we’ve come to the end of Jersey Shore. The first time I saw these chumps, I knew I could never stop watching them. Like a psychology student observing toddlers from the secret side of a 2-sided mirror, I analyzed everything they did, knowing that one day it would bring me to a new understanding of humankind. And the understanding I achieved was this: I guess I have to start watching Buckwild now.

To end this crazy show with a bang, Vinny suggests throwing a huge bonfire party with all their relatives and friends. Since Vinny is the littlest guido, it’s momentous that he has finally cemented his place as Family Event Planner. He’s growing up, but not before trying out a few dozen “I’m getting wood with Pauly D!” jokes along the way.

Uncle Nino and Situation’s sister show up at the bonfire, but otherwise I’m let down by how few people end up going. Where’s Ryder? Where’s Deena’s mom, Judge Deena? We do, however, finally acknowledge the existence of the thousands of boardwalk stalkers who’ve been crowding around Seaside’s t-shirt stores and clubs for the past 2.9 years. We see you, show-tourists. We know how much work you’ve put into making Seaside Heights the Jersey Shoriest place on earth. We salute you.

During the bonfire, Sammi talks to her parents about moving in with Ronnie after this is all over. Her father reminds her about all the times he put her through shit, but she’s ready to move past it. Ronnie talks to his father about moving in with Sammi as well. “Enjoy. Your. Youth,” he dissuades. The bonfire is doused in an eerie foreshadowing of the fate of SamRon’s romance.

I just want to take a minute to remember the Lost Seasider, who came back to stalk the gang last week: Trash Bags McGoo. Replacing Angelina Pivarnick with Deena Cortese was the best choice anyone at MTV has ever made. I just want to make sure I’ve documented my opinion, in case anyone was confused about if 

this: 

is anywhere near even comparable to

this:

The day after the bonfire, Pauly D and Mike go to their last shift at the Shore Store. Danny and Mike finally admit their mutual disdain for each other, and Jwoww and Sammi head over to Simply Sun, where a surprise gift waits for Mike. The girls are disgusted by Paula’s pathetic refusal to give up on the Situation. They bring home the gift cake and Mike has Vinny read the note (yet again. Can Mike read? Are they encouraging Vinny's reading because he's the littlest?). Pauly D has a bad feeling about looking that gift cake in the mouth.

In response to Sammi's deck prank last week, Vinny and Pauly D pull one last prank: they bring Ron and her air mattress downstairs. Somehow they rip it in the process, so they put it back where it was and leave that as the prank. Sure enough, Ron is pissed when he finds out his air mattress is punctured. And he's pissed at Sammi. 

Ron's actually mad at Sammi. She's baking cakes for Sitch and Pauly D's twin birthdays instead of apologizing to him for starting this wretched prank war. It's not like any of these people could furnish an entire dormitory with deluxe air mattresses a hundred times over. They only make $5,000,000,000 an episode. 

Ron takes Sam out to the back patio to hash out a season-2-style fight. Vinny and Pauly make popcorn and watch from the living room with Jwoww. Ron mocks Sammi, so Sammi dares Ron not to be with her. Ron dares her to find better. Is this the prank? Any one of the roommates could just pull a bill out of a wallet and end this. How much do really nice air mattresses cost? I'm looking it up.

This one looks very nice, and since it's on Overstock, I will multiply the price by 3 to make up for whatever sale might be applied. That makes $600. I'm willing to bump that up the extra $400 a person like Ron would overpay for it. Any one of these people could lose $1000 on the street and come out ok. Is this the prank? Are Sam and Ronnie's parents pulling a prank by incepting relationship doubt into their heads? 

Sam tells Ron why he's wrong and then tells him that she had an amazing summer and that she loves him. He apologizes, and they kiss and make up. IS THIS THE PRANK??? I'm glad they're not fighting anymore but ????

The next day at Simply Sun, the gang finds out the mystery of the gift cake: its frosting has been tainted by contact with testicles. Mike, Pauly, and li'l ol' Deensie all partook of the gift cake, and Mike calls Paula to get her to admit what she's done. She fakes a bad connection, so Mike breaks the duck phone once and for all. Considering where the season started (Paula supporting Mike through his sobriety) and where the season ends (Sitch's infidelity leading to ingesting testiclecake), I'm happy with how things have gone. Without the cameras, Mike was vulnerable and open to help. Because of the cameras, his vanity causes his downfall. Ha ha ha, Mike ate something he didn't want to.

The gang heads up to the balcony to reminisce one last time about their summers at the shore. Remember when Snooki got punched? Remember when Deena took her bikini bottoms off? Remember how Jwoww was supposed to end up with Pauly D but it never ended up happening and now she's marrying some asshole with one of those line-beards?

Pauly wakes everyone up on their last day by clanging pots and pans in their ears. They all pack up and try not to cry. They group hug in the parking lot for so long, I'm worried they'll get arrested. Eventually they let each other go and leave with their cars in a funeral procession. Pauly croaks out a goodbye to Seaside, and Danny nails a "for rent" sign on the house. AND THEN I DIE.

I just feel like these kids should get together every year for my sake. I don't need to be in on it. I probably should be, but I don't have to be. I just can't believe we've finally seen the the Legend of Seaside through to the end. It was a superb cast this year. They performed it just like when Papá took me to see it in matinée at la Scala, my first viewing. The clouds rolled in and provided percussion behind the dulcet tones of the guido roommates meeting for the first time. It was magical, as was this. They got crazy.

photos courtesy mtv.com

A Jersey Shore Triple Play: The Meatball Journey

Sometimes Jersey Shore is better in 3-hour long chunks. It's easier to see trends and storylines come to fruition. For instance, episodes 10-12 taught me how two Meatballs can reconnect, spawn a Baby Meatball, and introduce thousands of new Meatballs into an unsuspecting society. It's like Gremlins.

 Part 1: The Meatballs Reunite.

"Shore Shower" begins with Snooki bemoaning Jionni's love of men's softball. It keeps him from her, and she's lonely. Resident Male Meatball Ronnie sneaks into the girls' room in a giant gorilla suit. It is how Meatballs do inceptions on other Meatballs, and the idea they're planting is "Hey, maybe hang out with Deena for once."

And so Snooki FINALLY acknowledges Deena as a friend and fellow Meatball. After months of alternating snobbery and jealousy, Snooki and Deena get down to business discussing why Deena can't sleep naked: a bunch of spiders will most likely crawl up her vagina and lay eggs or something up there. Yikes, Deena. "I'm kinda full," Snooki says. "I think I have to poop." "So go poop," suggests her best friend.

The only glitch is Snooki's insistence on going to the Baby Store. She has no idea Jwoww has been planning a surprise baby shower, and now it just looks like none of the roommates want to spend time with her. Sammi intercepts Jionni at the door to keep him from going shopping with her, then worries that he'll be killed in his sleep. Maybe if anyone could come up with a decent lie it could help, but no one does. No "I want to go with you, but can we go tomorrow instead?" or "I'm waiting on a thing I ordered for you and I want you to see it before you buy more stuff." Only "I can't...want to go...with you. ...Sorry?"

Mike keeps running into Paula at the club and he can't handle it. He accuses her of cockblocking him for saying goodbye as she leaves with a meth head. "Busted! Yessssss, called it!" says Ronnie. A few nights later they try out a new club called Merge, but no one warns them that it's FULL OF TRASH BAGS! That's right, Angelina is there. And it is hitting Jenni HARD.

"I know I ain't chillin' by the dumpster, but I smell trash!" says Ronnie, whom I'm eating up right now. Rewatching season one made me warm up to the kid again, even though he's still severely affected by steroidal rage and emotional stupidity. Trash Bags goes around hugging everyone and apologizing to them and trying desperately to stay on screen for longer than she should. Freaking Trash Bags.

Jwoww and Roger go home early to avoid Angelina, and by the time they're asleep in the Smush Room, a gorilla walks in and tickles Roger. Hahahaha, Ronnie, stop!!!! He's incorrigible. Vinny comes home with 2 girls only to find that the Smush Room is occupied. "GET A HOTEL ROOM????" asks my boyfriend. They do have a LOT of money. Eventually one girl leaves and Vinny has regular, 2-person sex with the other one.

The next day is Snooki's baby shower. Jwoww stares out of the thatched window at Rivoli's to watch for Snooki's arrival. She knows she's going overboard, but it's all worth it. Snooki cries when she finally gets the surprise. Everyone is happy, hungry, and slightly more mature than when this whole thing started. So Vinny gets up from the table to make things right with Jionni.

BUM BUM BUMMMM!

Part 2: The Meatballs Conceive

Pauly's new favorite thing is to yell "Awk-warddd!" in falsetto, and he does it a lot. In fact he does it so much, it's the name of the episode. "Baby shower PROBLEMS!" Pauly explains further. He's talking about Vinny and Jionni hashing things out in the parking lot, where men do business.

Jionni sounds like James Gandolfini on helium. But he respects what Vinny did, coming to him and apologizing like that, and it makes Snooki happy. She's so happy, she initiates a baby bottle drinking contest, and Ronnie wins because he's the only one who realizes you can bite the tip of the bottle. Everyone is ecstatic. Then Jwoww opens her mouth and starts raining down "you're going to be a bad father" all over Jionni. Softball's IMPORTANT, Jwoww. WHAT DON'T YOU GET!!!!

Mike decides to follow Vinny's lead and apologize to Snooki for all the things he's done to her. It's a surprisingly reasonable apology, and she "kinda accepts, kinda." Mike is through the roof. When he gets back home, Vinny is still tenderly buzzing Pauly D's hair. No mention at all that this is even the least bit homosocial. Vinny's touching Pauly's face so softly to keep the hair clipper pressure even. We've finally reached homo-stasis!

To celebrate everyone's Pax Guidano, Sammi locks the boys out on the patio as a prank. I can't wait to see how this gets heightened and returned. Unfortunately it doesn't happen in this episode. The coming Prank War is on hold for a little GTX (Gym, Tan, See Your Ex bc She Works There). Pauly screams "Ex-girlfriend PROBLEMS!" and "Awk-ward! Awk-ward!" over and over because I guess he doesn't know what else to do.

Paula hands Mike a letter, which Mike has Vinny read aloud when they get home. It's all about how devoted she still is and how she's willing to be patient and it's yet another surprisingly kind thing that's happened in Seaside Heights in the past few days. But Vinny's pretty upset about the 2 or 3 words she dropped, so she must be some kind of idiot.

Vinny and Snooki ride their Rascals out on the boardwalk and call themselves "Karen & Vincenzo." They scoot right into the club where everyone else is - and where Mike is berating Paula for asking him to hold her drink. As Mike thinks "she's known how to treat me for 3-4 summers now! How does she not know now?!," Snooki and Vinny cruise back out and pass by some fans calling Snooki a "fat fuck" on the boardwalk. Vinny throws that Rascal into reverse and scares the shit out of them.

The next day Snooki invites a psychic named Zen Jen to come over and trick Deena into thinking the house is haunted. Miraculously, Zen Jen is willing to make a mockery of the very real spirits she makes her living off of. She tells Deena her bed is definitely a poltergeist. Deena is chilled to her soul.

Snooki invites all the girls to her sonogram appointment, and they immediately notice how large Baby Lorenzo's penis is. Then he flips them the bird with his little fetus fingers. I guess he heard them call him a Meatball.

Pauly invites Jionni out to smoke cigars with the fellas. They discuss his business (he owns a few ATMs in a few clubs) and his intentions (to marry Snooki). Despite his nervousness, Jionni passes their test with flying colors. Manly, NJ-appropriate colors.

Part 3: The Meatballs Reproduce

"It's Raining Men and Meatballs" and Boobs, apparently. Everyone's out at the club and Mike's on a cautious date with Paula after reading her heartfelt note. But every time she gets up to get a new drink, he finds a new girl to grind with. This most recent girl has a tube top that's staying up via nothing but witchcraft and sweat. Her boobs are spilling so sincerely out. Jenni calls Mike a Sneaky Dickens. I should say so. Paula's upset.

Mike walks home with Boobs McGoo only to trip her on a curb and "help stabilize her" by pulling her top the rest of the way down. If this were written down you could publish it in a middle school pornographic literature contest. It would definitely place, but in the end it would lose out to "Mrs. O'Malley Erases the Chalkboard without Realizing her Skirt is Tucked into her Hose," the steamy tale of a detention-bound student and his recently divorced mentor. Mike sends her home, by the way, for being too sloppy.

Pauly D finally has sex for possibly the first time all summer. Everyone is proud of him. They're proud of him for sealing the deal, for doing it quickly, and for sending the girl packing within 15 minutes of walking into the house. Our little 32 year old is growing up so fast!

Deena and Snooki throw Meatball Auditions, which is one of their stupider ideas. Folks, I've been watching these girls make dumb choices for years now, and I can tell from the start that this won't work out. First, you don't hold auditions to find a Meatball - Meatballs find each other naturally. They roll toward each other on the floor of the food court. They slip in each other's vomit at the Karma ladies room. The real Meatballs don't respond to a megaphone on a boardwalk. Only tourists do.

Second, the only Meatball the girls actually do find is quickly eliminated, I'm assuming because she's over 5'1". They're left with a couple of dumb losers and a dumb loser from Scotland. Guess who hates the new Meatballs: every single roommate!

Somehow they shake the Feetballs (fake, foot-scented Meatballs) and go back to Merge, their new home away from home. Deena's a mess, naturally, and she lies on the floor of the club shimmying her vagina back and forth. Jenni takes her home and Mike puts her to bed. "Thank you, J," murmurs Deena. Mike's like "whatever." ONLY SHE JUST CALLED YOU A GIRL THO MIKE! BURN!

Meanwhile Ronnie and Sammi decide to move in together when the show ends. They go mini golfing to seal the deal. "Yesss!" Ronnie screams as Sammi misses a putt. Back at home the gals try to open a bottle of wine with a regular butterfly wine opener, the kind you figure out how to use when you're 14 and interested in simple machines/drinking alcohol. I'm sorry, have these girls never opened a wine bottle before? Because that's by far the most flabbergasting thing I've seen on this entire series.

Sammi cooks their last Sunday dinner in Seaside, and Mike provides dessert. The dessert is a strip tease that no one asked for. He handcuffs Jenni to a chair in the middle of their living room and pulls 6 bubble guns out of thin air. Then he humps Jenni for a while and pretends to almost take off his pants. Snooki suggests that she'd fart in his face if he ever tried to give her a lap dance. It is one solid evening.

And so we leave our Seaside brethren until next week, when we will watch the last episode of Jersey Shore of all time. In the past 3 weeks, we went from 2 Meatballs to 2 1/2 Meatballs to several dozens of Meatballs. I can only assume that next week will destroy a lot of Meatball reserves, and that's why they needed to bolster their forces like that. Meatballs, this is your Independence Day.

photos courtesy mtv.com and Peony Lim

[Let's] "Make It Unofficial"

Last night's Jersey Shore, "Make It Unofficial," is the unspoken companion piece to the earlier episode, "Let's Make It Official." Why they left off the "Let's" is above my level of comprehension. Is it because it's no longer an "us" decision? Is it because The Situation systematically drops words when they're more emotionally difficult to say? Is it because no one in production cares about parallelism? Definitely, sounds right, and most likely. GET CRAZY!

At the Shore Store, Ronnie and Danny pull a Meatball and don sideways caps while sidling out of the store to go drink. It makes perfect sense, as Ronnie is a Male Meatball and Danny is courting a Female one. They get out just before a storm hits, and it all feels a little too similar to the recent hurricane. By the way, MTV finally added a Hurricane Sandy donation link to its website: Restore the Shore!

Back at home, Mike jumps on the [duck] horn with his sister to discuss Paula. "I just want a very hot-looking girly girl," he explains. She guides him through a few breakup tactics. Mike's so pleased, he gushes about how much he wants to be with a girl like his mother or sister. Yikes, Mike, yikes. Is the brain damage back? Or is this just unadulterated guido?

MVP go out to the boardwalk and start telling the ladies that Mike's newly single. Technically he's not, but it doesn't matter. To Pauly D, the kid's been single this whole time. It's just a shame that everyone knows everyone in Seaside because this will all definitely get back to Paula. Very sadly, this gem never makes it back to her: "All of a sudden you get the title and you fuck it up!" says Mike, re: winning the Situational Championship. Man, Paula, you really blew it.

At this point, the episode should rightly be called "GTB: Gym, Tan, Break Up with Paula." Once it gets said, it never gets dropped. Ronnie makes a GTB shirt. Pauly has Vinny make a "Let's Make It Unofficial" tank top. Everyone says "GTB" in myriad tiny whispers until it blends into the background noise. GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB GTB

Snooki and Jwoww have a heart-to-heart that covers several topics: inviting Vinny to the wedding (pending a talk with Jionni), inviting Sitch to the wedding (NO DEFINITELY NOT NO WAY), not wanting to be a pregnant buzzkill to everyone (even though Deena would give her left buttcheek just to hang out with her and her buzzkill vibe for ONE PRECIOUS SECOND), and figuring out how to spell "hors d'oeuvre." I personally believe that no one should have to know how to spell hors d'oeuvre, unless you're a high-end caterer, in which case you know who you are and you should've brought me my pigs in croissant blankets by now. I have been waiting for too long already.

Jwoww goes behind Snooki's back and plans a surprise "Shore Shower." She encourages Vinny to "settle the air" (almost, Jen) with Jionni so that everything can be at peace when her godson is born. It looks like Jwoww is solving the whole damn Shore Tangle until Paula calls Mike and asks why every single person she works with is telling her they've broken up. Somehow he dodges the question. "Do you want me to come visit you at work or not?" gaslights Mike. It's either her fault for not letting her boyfriend visit or it's her fault for inviting her boyfriend to break up with her. Either way, she has it coming.

At the Shore Store, Ronnie notices that Jionni's never around. He's appalled at Jionni's not wanting to "be pregnant with your girlfriend" and insists that he'd "be pregnant" with Sammi if she were with child. Jwoww says that Roger would "be pregnant" with her, but I don't think she realizes that his version would be "Rub my feet, honey, they're sore" and "God I just want to eat everything and I don't want to hear what you think about it!!!"

At this point it's clear from all the GTB GTB GTB that it's only one letter away from LGBT. Gym, Trans, Bisexuale!

While Snooki takes a balloon penguin out for a walk on the boardwalk, all the other roommates accompany Mike to Simply Sun. They've figured out that he should definitely tan before breaking up with Paula - otherwise he might not get to tan. Pauly D and Vinny snuggle up in the lobby and declare themselves the Waldorf & Statler of the "movie." Sick of previews, they're ready for action. Mike waddles out to the front desk (after removing his tan-goggles and putting his crumpled clothing back on) and tells Paula he wants to go back to the way things were. She tells him she doesn't want to get fucked over, so they kiss on the lips and hug. "You're fair game now," she says. I don't understand.

That is, until they are followed into the parking lot by a huge tanning booth careening out of the Simply Sun window.


photos from mtv.com and tv tropes and early bird catches the worm and celebeat

Butt Pads & Yarmulkes: The Anatomy Of Deena's Breakdown

"Control Your Crazy!" say the Seaside roommates AND the episode title of last Thursday's Jersey Shore. Poor Deena is agitated, weepy, and drunk, just as we left her at the end of the last episode. It is time for her to get crazy-in-control of her emotions and comportment. Get crazy, Deena, but for God's sake keep a lid on it!

We enter the episode on the downhill slope of the most recent Upset Meatball Night. Ronnie apologizes, and Deena finds her words. She explains that she doesn't know what's making her so upset, and Ronnie tells her that this lack of an explanation makes everyone assume it's just alcohol. Wow, I can't believe how lucidly this is sorting itself out. It's like that season of Real World I watched a few years ago (the one with Jem & Knight). They're using their words, and everyone seems to be getting to the same page. Vinny takes Deena outside to remind her to "breathe, idiot!"

Ronnie calls Deena's mom and tells her not to make Deena leave. This is adorable because (1) Ronnie has to punch Deena's mother's cell phone number into a duck phone, (2) it's funny to see Ronnie have a full-out conversation with anyone's parents, and (3) Deena's parents are halfway there anyway, so the Don't-Take-Deena stuff could wait until they get to the house. What are they going to do, turn around and go back home?

The Corteses arrive with a huge box of cheesecake for the house and a chicken caesar wrap for Deena. Deena's mom wonders aloud, "Can't you wait 'til night time?" and "Can't you drink just a little?" but there are no answers to those questions besides "NO, MOM, OBVIOUSLY NOT." It might be time for Deena to go to a talking doctor, but before any appointments are made, Deena's mom is laughing again. "Can't you have a Meatball Day without drinkin'?" she asks without really expecting an answer. These Meatball Parents, they just can't get enough of their kids' foibles. My mom would have murdered me by now.

The rest of the gang hits the club, where Ronnie immediately wipes out on the floor. Hahahahaha, great one, Ron Ron.

Sitch is sneaking around with other girls so much, people start calling him a "Sneaky Dickens." The kid's shirt is wide open, nary a button buttoned. A girl sucks on his finger. When Jwoww tells a group of ladies he has a girlfriend, they scatter. This seems somehow...wrong?

Vinny brings home a "spanish girl" and fears for his celibacy. Lucky for him, she just lies there. He creeps out of bed and tapes a confessional about how his hand is "the best f*cking skank [he's] ever met." Then he gets a full night's sleep while dreaming of p'zones.

MVP wake up, send their ladies home, and go to the store to buy some hot dogs. It's barbecue day in the backyard y'all!!!!! Somehow there are zero jokes about the phallic nature of hot dogs. JK don't worry, hot-dog-looks-kinda-like-a-penis gets a 30-minute segment. The weiner talk segues into yet another discussion of What's Wrong With Deena, and Sammi goes off on her. Deena finally says what I think is at the bottom of this - she misses her other Meatball - but Snooki doesn't pick up on it. In the end, Sammi shits on Deena a little more and then they both go to bed.

The internet should make a montage of all the times Sammi checks her hair in the mirror.

Jwoww, Sammi, and Snooki work a shift at the Shore Store, and Jwoww sells $540 worth of shot glasses in a few hours. Then Snooki steals $540 worth of stuffed leopards from an unguarded boardwalk kiosk. It's so strange how all this math keeps working out so perfectly, but it does.

Deena, Sitch, and their significant others go on a double date. The leggy, thin, tan, sweet, and very pretty Paula has become a burping pile of wretched garbage to Mike over the course of two days. He almost vomits when she mentions that she might get a food baby after eating dinner in a crop-top. He almost strokes out from embarrassment when Paula waves to Deena with a hand sign known as "the shocker" on a carnival ride. "I think Paula's trying to audition to be a Meatball...but Meatballs do not have manners, and they are less ladylike," explains Mike. That makes sense. After all those baldly vulnerable romantic overtures to Snooki last season, it's clear that Mike has a problem with Meatballs. They're not his type at all.

Back at home, Mike tells Paula he's just "chalking it up" to not being able to control what comes out of her mouth. "Chalkin' it up," he says over and over, every time she opens her mouth to speak. At this point she's getting the wrong idea, thinking that if she talks even dirtier, maybe it will please her new boyfriend or get them the screentime he seems to want. The interstitial segment shows Mike split-kicking a punching bag man in the backyard to impress Paula and Chris. Simpler times.

Everyone hits the club and Mike immediately slips away from Paula. They spend the rest of their evening apart, separated by a 50-something year old nurse who starts breakdancing and turnpiking. This is a David Lynch movie now and I feel so scared and confused. Why isn't this old lesbian dying? Did Deena push her over to her death? Why is she putting her hair on the floor of Karma? Who is this dude who loves her so much? He is all of us.

Back home from the club, Sitch sprints upstairs to take a shower so he doesn't have to hang out with Paula. She, in turn, takes out her butt pads and shows them to the gang while explaining various joke sex acts. Vinny puts the butt pad on his head and has a blast and a half doing a smallish set in the confessional. Eventually Mike comes down and sees what Paula's been up to. "That's real chalk," she says, the fear in her eyes growing.

photos courtesy mtv.com

Great Drunken Meatballs Of Fire [Who Are Constantly Drunk]

Now I'm recapping a Jersey Shore episode only 2 1/2 weeks late.  Congratulations, Becky, on continuing your tradition of excellence and objectivity. If I'm too sleepy to write this, it's because I miss you? Wake up and get to writing, Beck. GET CRAZY.

Mike wants to get the hell out of this relationship he's gotten himself into. Sammi reminds him that "it's only Day One," and Ron believes that "if you can get through rehab, you can get through this." That's true; technically Mike should be able to get through 28 days of ANYTHING that make him mildly uncomfortable. But ideally a new relationship wouldn't be as painful as detox.

Danny makes Deena wear a prison jumpsuit at the Shore Store to remind her that she went to the drunk tank last week. He'll probably make her wear it when they get married, too. She, Ron, and Mike talk about Paula and how Mike wants to "spruce up" the "natural 8.2" that is his new property. But guess what! Paula breezes right in and makes that 8.2 look more like a PSYCHO.3! What's she doing visiting her boyfriend at work?! Psycho.3!!!!! Deena and Ron start placing bets on how long this relationship could possibly last. Then Paula walks out of earshot.

Now is where the episode gets great and happy and worth it. Vinny and Pauly want to play a prank on Deena, so they find three lovey-dovey framed photos of her and her boyfriend on her nightstand and replace them with identical photos of Vinny and Pauly. It's amazing. The pictures are perfect, and there's plenty of time for that "this is going to pay off so well" feeling to grow and grow. The boys almost don't make it in time, but they throw the new pictures into her room in just enough time to make Deena laugh. Now that's a great prank.

Deena and Ron have a Meatball Day, and she makes the foolish mistake of assuming he wants to hear about anything that has to do with her body. She tells him about crabs and wiping her butt, i.e. Normal Meatball Stuff, which inflames Ronnie's sense of propriety. Back at home he tells Sammi that he'll "kill [him]self if [Deena] keeps talking about herself." This sounds like he can't stand hearing I-statements from a woman, but in actuality he just can't stand words like "period" and "clitoris." Which is worse? I don't know. "I am physically sickened by your emotions" vs. "I am physically sickened by your anatomy." Either way, he must hold in his puke if he wants to go to Karma with the rest of the gang, including Snooki, who is TIRED of not going out.

Roger surprises Jwoww at the club with a few of her friends from Long Island. Neato, what is this, penance? I thought he didn't do anything wrong. Luckily Roger doesn't appear for the rest of the episode, so I won't dwell on it. But wow remember when he threw his girlfriend around by the neck?

Snooki tells Jionni that not only does she want to cook for him, she also wants him to be brutally honest about the food's quality. This is as close to genuine as their relationship communication is going to get, even though it's just shorthand for "I'm a nouveau Italian-American woman so I can't possibly cook, even though I should be able to, because of my mom's misunderstanding of the women's lib movement all those years ago. Reinforce that! Wahhhh!"

A pretty girl comes up to Mike and starts grinding on him immediately. He is extremely into it, but he throws in half-hearted "I don't know what's happening" shrugs to the camera every few minutes to save his butt. Remember, it was just last night that he tore that shirt open for Paula. But now he's falling in love with another girl, or at least his penis is.

A huge dude comes up to Mike right away and says he's a friend of Paula's. He's not threatening him or anything, but just so he knows, Paula is someone he does NOT want to screw over. Paula's best friend is also there, and she's seen everything. Miraculously no one tells Paula about Mike's misdeeds. Miraculously Paula never watches MTV. Miraculously Mike never does anything questionable ever again. He's fully gotten away with it!

Ron waits until everyone's in the taxi on the way home to tell Deena that he's uncomfortable with her "talking about herself." It doesn't quite compute until she's at home and thinking about the fantastic Meatball Day she just had with him. When she gets upset, Ronnie asks "why are you so sensitive?" and tells her not to "be grumpy." "Why are you grumpy??" asks Jwoww.

It is much better for a guidette to hide her emotions if she's thinking about turning into a bitch. And it is much better for a guidette to stop feeling at all than to hide her emotions if that's just going to make her a passive-agressive bitch. And it is much better for a guidette to dope herself up with pills or perhaps BOOZE if she's thinking about reacting to any stimuli at all in her immediate vicinity. Deena might want to go home.

The next day, MVP goes to lunch and discusses whether you can "grind up on chicks when you have a girlfriend" until they look up and notice THE STALKER. This isn't the Italian-Jew, nor is it Taran Killam - it's the girl with heavy eyeliner, big front teeth, and nothing to lose. She doesn't do anything but stare at each of them right in the eye, such that if they glance at her they're sure to make direct eye contact. She's pretty good at this. She also looks like she might have some sort of disability, so I'm not sure that just because her face is on tv, she can necessarily give consent. Let's not make as much fun of her as MVP does.

Snooki tries to cook and pull off an I Love Lucy scenelet at the same time. Since garlic is a mainstay of Italian cuisine, she assumes she should cook it first, which is a horrible idea because it burns within a minute and nothing else cooks that fast. Especially when the stove is set to high. So the kitchen fills with smoke and Snickers calls her dad to find out how to cook real quick. "Dad, my place is like, burning down right now," she jokes, half-panicking. "WHAT?!?!" he shouts, as she runs to the kitchen and leaves the phone behind. Then she asks for cooking directions and hangs up on him. When she presents it to Jionni later on, I'm honestly shocked it isn't 3 charcoal briquettes.

During another Meatball Day, Sammie and Ronnie decide to go back home while Deena opts to stay out. She drinks and smokes with strangers as Sam fields a call from her VERY angry mother. "She's not drunk-havin'-fun, is she Sam?" Sam says "uh" literally 30 times. "I'm a little upset heah, Sam!!" Eventually Deena gets home and calls her back, and for a while it looks like Deena's mom is coming to pick her up.

Then the whole thing devolves into Ronnie telling Deena she's upset over nothing and Deena insisting that she's upset for a good reason. Besides being drunk. This poor kid can't exist here without numbing herself, and even though she does it the way everyone else does (besides Sitch and Snooki), she's still getting called on doing it wrong. When Ronnie gets drunk he verbally abuses Sam. When Roger gets drunk he throws Jenni around by the neck. Nobody's telling them they're upset over nothing. I guess that's one more rule to the Jersey Shore guidebook: if Deena's doing it, she's upset over nothing and probably wrong.


photos courtesy mtv.com

"Let's Make It Official": The Jersey Shore Sucks

First things first, my thoughts are with Seaside Heights, NJ (more than normal) after Hurricane Sandy's destruction. I found a NJ Relief website, and you should click through to see a video of the way the boardwalk looks now. Surprisingly, MTV's website doesn't seem to have any links for donating. I'd say the safest bet is Occupy Sandy's wedding registry, which sends much-needed items to people in affected areas who can use them (here's the NJ one). 

Now onto the important things: recapping a 3-week old episode of Jersey Shore.

Last time on Jersey Shore, Deena got carted away to the drunk tank. Ron knows what that's like: "When in Rome, keep on rollin [possibly roamin'?]; when in Seaside, keep on drinkin!" He offers to go sit in the drunk tank with Deena, but Sam can't lose both her meatballs. That's it, that's the missing piece: Ronnie has secretly been a meatball this whole time. Hiding in his meat gravy in broad daylight. That's why all the drinking, that's why all the fighting with Sam. Remember when the Meatballs fought with Sam? Can you even IMAGINE what Snooki would be like as a guy? Yep, because she'd be Ronnie.

MVP go to a sporting goods store ("watch guidos shop for sports equipment" is clearly leftover from the brainstorming whiteboard from season 1), and Mike picks up a rugged stroller for Snooki. He tries to arrange it as a surprise for her on the roof, but since he fucked her over so thoroughly last year, she refuses to go up to see it. Later on at dinner, once he knows she's seen it, he prompts her to thank him. A remarkably kind gesture from The Situation Sorrentino.

PS Deena's parents know about the drunk tank and they're PISSED.

Jwoww refuses to use her crutch properly, which turns out to be fine because her doctor's second opinion is that the foot isn't broken anyway. She and Snooki go to a geriatric supply store and buy Rascals. Now the show is just about stores the gang goes to and what extravagant items they buy there. I guess if nobody's drinking and nobody's falling face-first on the pier, this is what's left. Using their fortunes to buy diamond-encrusted wheelchairs.

Mike goes to the Shore Store and buys a tank top. It's an extravagant tank top, of course, due to its iron-on message: "LET'S MAKE IT OFFICIAL." He wants to make an honest woman out of Paula, not so much by marrying her but by finally admitting that they've been dating for four years. The guidos use so much marriage language for it (see: "get wifed up"), it's hard to understand exactly what Mike plans to do, especially considering he invites the entire cast of Jersey Shore to come to the restaurant where he's proposing[?]. I think the guidos are playing a trick on us. In the meantime, Danny plays a real trick on Mike and irons-on "I LIKE MEN" to the back of the tank top.

So the gang accompanies Mike to his destiny and sits at a separate table that offers a clear view of Mike and Paula's personal booth. They got a personal booth, you see, because date-proposing is the kind of thing that's better when it's just between two people. Which is why it was extremely odd that he invited all his roommates to the restaurant in the first place.

He whips off his shirt, actually, scratch that - he slowly and seductively unbuttons his shirt so that Paula can read what her destiny will be. It's all scrunched up, which means Paula takes an extra minute to read it, which means Ron-Ron gets to do 5 minutes of seated stand up about how she must not be able to read. Vinny agrees and adds that they're both dipshits.

One breath after the tank-top proposal, Paula blasts off into space in a rocket made of a house, a puppy, some kids, and a church-wedding. Mike tries to send out "chill, girl!" vibes, but she just keeps barreling on, now explaining her ovulation schedule. "I'm hearin' things I've never seen before," says Mike. Almost, Mike! He's too skittish to take Paula to the Smush Room that night. "It's like 3 summers of cheese pizza," he explains to his boxing coach the next day. "Now here's pepperoni?"

Jwoww forgets that Roger THREW HER BY THE NECK and calls him up to make sure they're still dating. It's the same duckphone conversation as always - "I'm sorry I got in your business" "BABE YOU CAN'T GET IN MY BUSINESS" "You're right, just like always" "BABE I'M NOT A CHILD AND I REFUSE TO BE TREATED LIKE ONE!!!!!!!" "You are always right" "Shut up babe my mom says the pizza rolls are ready."

Ron and Sam reminisce about the room wreckage and face punches they've been through. Looks like they made it, I guess, in that Barry Manilow way where that song is actually about breaking up. Here are the lyrics for your infotainment:

There you are, lookin' just the same as you did last time I touched you.
And here I am, close to gettin tangled up inside the thought of you.

Do you love him as much as I love her?
And will that love be strong when old feelings start to stir?

Looks like we made it
Left each other on the way to another love
Looks like we made it
Or I thought so, till today
Until you were there everywhere
And all I could taste was love
The way we made it

Loves so strange, playin hide and seek, with hearts and always hurtin
And we're the fools standin close enough to touch those burnin memories

And if I hold you for the sake of all those times
Love made us lose our minds - could I ever let you go?

Oh, no...we made it
Left each other on the way to another love
Looks like we made it
Or I thought so, till today
Until you were there, everywhere
And all I could taste was love
The way we made it

This marks the halfway point of the final season of Jersey Shore. Thanks to one million nights of double-episodes, I haven't been on time for a single recap. Think of me as Deena in the drunk tank - willing but unable to party when it's appropriate. 


photos courtesy mtv.com

SEASIDE: AN ARDUOUS REPORT

Two weeks ago at 10pm, MTV recorded nothing but blackness. It turned out they aired another 2 episodes of Jersey Shore in one night. The next week I was buried in work and couldn't watch the new 5th episode without seeing the 3rd and 4th first. So I've watched all of them in the past 2 days, and now I think I have a mental illness. Just in time to watch tonight's episode, Installment 6 of the New Jersey Shoreside Diaries.  

1. "Toxic Shots Syndrome"

Snooki moves out in the rain. Her new rental house is fun-sized, such as herself, and Pauly deems it "perfect for a pregnant bitch!" "I know," beams Fun Size Snickers. "I wanna get knocked up," continues Pauly. It has a hangin-out porch, which Pauly calls "Snooki's POORCH," which is how I want to talk from now until the end of time. End of Act I.

There's some sort of medical injection that can "block opiates and alcohol and painkillers," so obviously MTV's insurance policy requires Situation to get one. Does this mean he's off roids now, too? The shot, which he has received in the buttocks, pains him so much he has trouble working his shift at the Shore Store. He storms out and Vinny follows close behind, ultrasensitive to the emotional volcano about to erupt within Situation's fragile psyche. Vinny is extremely perceptive when it comes to men's feelings.

Deena's freaking cute with this boyfriend of hers when she's not crying, but then again, her roommates give her such a hard time about missing him, I feel guilty mentioning it at all. She's so giddy when he's there. She wants to "cheat" at dinner - as in Weight Watchers "cheat." Who IS this kid!! I think her boyfriend looks like Guido Shawn Hatosy.

It is unfortunately uncute that Deena has left in a tampon for 30 hours and might have TSS, which she pronounces "toshic sock shindrome," but which MTV heard as "toxic shot syndrome." I leave it up to you. Deena calls her moms, who immediately insists she's "only putting herself through this" because that is how you do Guido Therapy. You blame the person for feeling unpleasant emotions for longer than 1 second.

Sammi Sweetheart embodies her nickname for once and offers to Meatball for lonely Deena. Ronnie hates it. He says that Sam must be misreading Deena's feelings and that one day soon Chris will dump her because "she's infatuated" with him. What a cool dude this Ron is turning out to be!

Snooki tells Jionni she'd die for him at Steaks Unlimited. When she asks if he'd die for her, he says yes and glances at the camera to make sure it heard, I guess. Thanks, Jionni, we've actually gotten enough footage for the day. Thanks though. Back at home he tosses a hacky sack onto her boobs and it stays. It's the first time I can see why they might be together.

Jwoww makes Situation sing "Rehab" by the late Amy Winehouse at karaoke. It's a risk, but without all those barbituates and hormones coursing through his veins, he takes it in stride. He sings, "they tried to make me go to rehab, I said yes yes yes." Ron says "he's actually Mike Sorrentino." It's starting to feel like good old-fashioned Jersey Shore right about now. Good show, Mike Sorrentino. That's the first time I've ever considered that you might be the heir to the Sorrentino Shredded Cheese fortune.

2. "Blues, Balls, and Brawls"

Kickin' it on Snooki's POORCH! Vinny still won't shake Jionni's hand or even look at him, "as a sign of respect" since he had sex with Snooki at some point in history. Then Vinny makes fun of how the other guys have secret handshakes with Jionni, and it's pretty funny. It might be the best thing Vinny ever does in his life. Josh thinks that if Jionni isn't present at the birth, Vinny will be declared the father. I agree.

Team MVP sees a flasher from the roof deck and go down to meet her. She gives Vinny and Pauly her number and intimates that she'd like to take them both on a date at the same time. "She's not DTF - she's DTA! Down For Anything!" shouts Pauly. Almost!

Jwoww plans a surprise party for Roger's birthday (Pauly D: "Looks like a POORTY!") and it's - as we could've guessed - a disaster. Roger shows up very late and immediately starts in with the "that must mean I don't love you ha-ha" with Jenni to properly curb her feelings. It's not enough to make Jenni "stop bitching him out," so he drags her away from the table to discipline her. Please don't use the belt again, Papa Roger!

Throughout the entire season, Snooki has been isolating herself from Deena. She's jealous of Deena's new slim figure (which only happened because Deena got the idea from Snooki last season) and she's jealous of Deena's new relationship (even though she has a fiance now). She's jealous that Chris took Deena to Rivoli's when she had to endure Steaks Unlimited yet again. She's just not interested in hanging out with Deena anymore. Which is killing Deena because who the hell is a meatball supposed to hang out with these days?

So Deena takes Snooki out dancing, and all the girls put in fake pregnant bellies to cheer her up. Then everyone (except Snooki) rides a mechanical bull! You'd think the Meatballs would have just reunited, but no. Weirdness remains.

At the Shore Store the next day, Mike tries to strike up a conversation with Snooki. She's feeling sick (so was Deena - meatball poison??) and, having no patience for any of this, tells Mike she doesn't want to be friends with him. "...FOREVER?!" Mike balks as his eyeballs bulge. Kickin it on Snooki's POORCH no more.

Roger sends Jenni 2 dozen pink roses plus 1 red one for Ron, I guess to remind her who's boss. Everyone speaks very openly about Jwoww's self-imposed celibacy with Roger ("The earlier we go out, the sooner we can come back and not have sex"). She's pulling a Jennifer Aniston, as my mother would say.

Deena might just be creepin' on Chris without realizing it. She and Bossman Danny are flirting HAY lot and maybe it's an issue of her not realizing what her weight loss has done to her attractiveness level. They flirt all the way from the Shore Store to a carnival game to a bar, where Danny looks awfully guilty when the rest of the gang shows up. Deena collects her large blue rubber ball afterwards. Everyone contributes to a blue ball word festival on the boardwalk, each one a swing and a miss.

Snooki wakes up from a "disco nap" (AWESOME) and decides not to go to Bamboo with her old roommates because a lot of fights seem to break out there every time they go. As soon as the gang arrives, some freakus named Paul comes up to Sitch and insists that they've hung out before. Another freakus named Ryan (who must be a friend of Roger's?) throws the stalker into a bouncer. For a second, everything's calm. THEN A MELEE BREAKS OUT.

3. "Merp Walk"

In this melee, Roger PUSHES JENNI ONTO THE FLOOR BY HER NECK. And thus begins the most shameful episode of Jersey Shore I've ever seen. Do I even have to write out the fact that I have seen every episode I don't think so.

Jenni had been trying to keep Roger away from some moron, so Roger threw her aside perhaps more violently than he meant to. Does it make a difference how hard he meant to throw her, though? Nope! Three years ago, when we first met Jwoww, it was her feistiness that drew us to her. And so she throws a drink in Roger's face, and we love her for it. Roger, however, marches pissily away to his boyfriend Ryan's house, leaving Jenni to chase him down. I'm sorry, does her neck already feel better enough to be barreling down the sidewalk like this?

Roger reminds Jenni NOT TO "GET INVOLVED WHEN BOYS ARE FIGHTING." Ryan whispers sweet nothings in Roger's ear to calm him down, and Jwoww and Deena start making excuses for him such as "he didn't recognize her." Deena admits later on that she's very conflicted because she loves relationships. "But I don't think a man should put a hand on a girl."

This is a confusing situation. Although Deena seems to understand this basic tenet of reasonable human relationships, the whole thing is suffocated by toxic guido reasoning. It's ok for Roger to shove Jenni away if his intention was to fight some guy. It's ok for Roger to shove Jenni away if she got involved in a boy-fight. It's ok for Roger to shove Jenni away if he didn't recognize that it was her. It's ok for Roger to shove Jenni away if the pain wasn't that long-lasting. What are all of these excuses? Why does Roger deserve them? He makes the most noise about being way too old for this, way too much of an adult to deal with this child's play. So why is he now getting a check-up call from Ronnie to see if he's ok?

Naturally, Jenni's ankle was broken somewhere in the brawl last night. I thought I saw her twist it while she was chasing Roger, but maybe it happened somewhere else. I'm so let down. Jenni was supposed to respect herself more than this. The best she can say is "I feel like he should on some level apologize."

Ronnie and Sammi have a helpful conversation in the car about why Roger was right. It is wrong for a woman to try to worm her way into a Guy Fight. Like, even though there's the urge to protect someone you care about, that's a one-way ticket to getting hit by your boyfriend's fist. "Look, I get it you want to protect me but dudes are stronger than you. Like, every dude."


Snooki takes Jenni to the doctor and they find out she has a navicular fracture, which means she'll be wearing a cast for the rest of the summer. Snooki is thrilled to have another "disabled" friend. Is pregnancy a disability? I guess you have to give up your seat, but nobody would ever say that, right? Jenni HATES her crutches.

The boys go to lunch and agree that Jenni's overplaying her injury and they bet she'll come home in a cast. "From a guy's point of view, y'know, she threw her drink on a man, y'know?" says Situation. Is this the return of Sloppy Sitch? And how did this turn into a trap where Jwoww is screwed if she gets a cast and screwed if she doesn't? The poor kid chipped a bone. The guys are treating it like she had her fingers crossed for a cast and crutches.

"Your name should be carton because you're always fucking milking this shit," opins Ronnie. Then Vinny gives the most unself-aware testimonial this show has ever seen: "Jenni's definitely being overdramatic about her injury. She's like, 'I'm only trying to punch him in his face to protect him so I don't think it was right for him to push me...and I don't know if I'm ever going to talk to that douchebag again.'" He says this with the most hateful face I've ever seen. How did he get to hate women this much? When did Jenni try to punch Roger's face? What is the threat they're responding to with all the panic-eyed peacocking?

Eventually everyone (including Snooki) goes out to a patio bar and Vinny's Uncle Nino shows up. He's the only person who feels that it might have been wrong for Roger to shove Jwoww's neck the way he done. Jwoww sits on his lap to reward him, I guess. This is what it's come to.

Jwoww makes her way into the club and starts cockblocking Situation's attempts to hit on girls. Roger's girlfriend Ryan is back, and he's making harsh cut-it-out hand motions to her like he's about to kill her. Then Ryan finds some dude who'd been offering Sitch drugs and reassures Mike that he will "fuck him up." Somebody write this guy a check because he's working overtime.

Mike walks home alone and calls Paula to come hang out. Deena comes home with the rest of the gang but does the opposite of Mike: she keeps drinking, stays awake, and goes looking for a friend who just isn't there. At the crack of dawn she's on the boardwalk looking for a bar (she'd stood in front of SamRon's room saying "Get up, Sam! I'm auditioning YOU to be a meatball!" but no one answered). Deena the Meatball has clearly studied at the Tyra Banks School of Branding.

Deena dances on a bar until sadness washes over her, and her Dutch or whatever companions go "Awwwww" one million times. "This is the end of an error," says Deena. You got that right. She tromps off to the Shore Store to find Danny, who sends a worker named Steve to chaperone her to a liquor store. Steve is NOT into this.

SamRon finally wake up and manage to walk right into the very bar & grille that Deena's currently patronizing. She dips out, weaving and singing in the road, stopping traffic...UNTIL two cops handcuff her and tell her she's arrested. End of Act III.

It breaks my heart to know that on this day in history, Jenni and Roger are engaged. This is one of the first times Jersey Shore has made me feel totally hopeless in a genuinely unfunny way. I hope tonight's episode beaks their relationship in half in a way that echoes forward to the future.



photos courtesy realityaired.com and thecinemasource.com and MTV.com