Game Of Thrones Recap: Walk of [Shame &] Punishment

Welcome to Riverrun, the stomping grounds of Catelyn Stark, Littlefinger Baelish, and Lysa "Freakshow" Arryn. It's the newest location we've seen on the opening credits map, and something tells me it'll become important soon. But for right now, it's just another section of the game board, and I love it that way:

UNCLE BLACKFISH
Catelyn's father has died, and her younger brother Edmure can't seem to get those flaming arrows to hit his funeral boat-pyre. Uncle Blackfish takes over and hits the boat with one try, turning around before he even sees it make contact like one of those cool bowlers. "Did I get a strike? Oh, cool, I was hoping I might. Didn't see."

Something tells me this is symbolic, but what does it mean? Old guys who make their own fortunes are more competent than young men who inherit theirs? If this whole thing is a "game" of thrones, "winning" power must be more legitimate than having it default to you? Blackfish explains to Edmure how badly Robb needs their support and armies. Do you really have to be 58 years old before you can figure this out on your own?

MTV VJ JULISSA DOES SOMETHING COOL FOR ONCE
Talisa perpetuates rumors about Robb turning into a wolf at night as she dresses the little Lannister prisoners' scrapes. Thank you for not ruining ONE thing, finally!

THE BANK OF TYRION
Tywin makes Tyrion the Substitute Master of Coin so that Littlefinger can go to the Vale of Arryn to see about marring Lysa. As Littlefinger shows Tyrion around, he thanks him for releasing Ros, but no one offers any details about how that happened. It was clearly a power play, and I really would've liked to see how Tyrion choreographed her release.

As Tyrion's first act as Master of Coin, he sets up his squire Podrick with a 3-prostitute, virginity-ruining rager. Then he figures out that the kingdom is up to its eyeballs in debt to Tywin. Then he hears that the ladies had so much fun with Podrick, they returned their payment. Tyrion's like "HOLD UP, PRIORITIZE. LET ME SEE YO DICK, SON!!!!!"

ABOVE THE WALL IS A HORRIBLE PLACE
Mance Rayder and his troops come across a giant spiral made of dead horse and man parts buried in the snow. "Always the artists," he compliments the Wights. He wants Jon to scale the Wall and surprise everyone inside. Great, should be easy enough.

The remaining members of the Night's Watch hole up at Craster's Keep for the night, and Craster asks why they don't eat Samwell to survive. My God, he's so right. I have truly never wanted to eat someone as much as I want to eat Samwell right now. He looks delicious. Like, so succulent. He looks like a rich, fatty, 5'3" walking porkchop. I've never felt this way before!

NOOOO! HOT PIEEEEE!!!!!!
Arya, Gendry, and the Brotherhood leave Hot Pie behind because his brown bread has earned him a bakery job at an inn. I never thought I would be this sad to see him go. I think I like him more than I like Samwell because at least he's got enough sense to be pissy about his place in life. He bakes Arya a wolf-shaped bread and watches her go.

THEON HAS TO BE RESCUED TWICE
You know how to figure out if someone's worth rescuing? If they need the same help twice, they're useless, Theon. He finds a white horse (the most visible horse color) and canters through the woods, noticing only too late that a whole bunch of guys are hot on his tail. Yet again, this mystery dude saves Theon, but not before Theon's pants are down under his butt. Is this what it takes to keep Theon alive? If so, maybe go ahead and let him die, guys?

Theon Greyjoy is the Pete Campbell of Westeros - greedy, entitled, unbothered by his lack of sexual prowess and, in fact, still positive that he deserves a diverse array of poontang. Granted, he's a hard worker, but unfortunately, it's for none of the right reasons. Theon and Pete will most likely outlast everyone else.

STANNIS'S FIRES BURN LOW
Stannis complains to Melisandre about how much he wants to kill the teen kings of Westeros (Joffrey and Robb). She heavily implies that he should kill his own kid. These two!

WE'VE BEEN UPGRADED FROM "DON'T BUY!"
Why the HELL is Dany going to give away one of her dragons to buy the Unsullied. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

This better be a giant ruse where the dragon she "sells" will kill Astapor Watto in a fiery blaze and return to her in mere minutes. The lady slave she purchased reminds her that "valar morghulis" (all men must die), but the khaleesi responds with "we are not men." THIS DRAGON BETTER KILL ALL MEN, THEN.

BRIENNE AND JAIME: GOTCHO BACK
Brienne and Jaime are strapped back-to-back on a Bolton horse, arguing about their odds of escaping. Brienne's pretttty sure she could take them all, but Jaime begs her not to. They're arguing like oldyweds! The Boltons want to rape and kill Brienne since Jaime's the only one they need alive. Jaime talks them out of harming her, since her father has more sapphires than anyone else in the world (Tarth is famous for sapphires, after all), and his cooler head prevails. But only until they CUT OFF HIS SWORD HAND, instead. WHAT! If anyone can learn to fight just as well with his other hand, it's Jaime, but MAN!

"WALK OF PUNISHMENT"
This episode presented variations on the themes of competence (see: the flaming arrow scene, Theon's repeated inability to save himself) as well as absentee motherhood (see: Catelyn fearing she'll never see Bran and Rickon again, Dany using a dragon-child as currency). But what should we make of the "Walk of Punishment" episode title? Is Theon taking a walk of punishment for his crimes on Winterfell, or is he running away from punishment? Is Catelyn punishing herself too much for leaving the kids at home without enough protection? What sort of punishment will Daenerys rain on Watto once the deal is done? Because there's no way she's really selling that dragon. There's no FREAKING way.

Update: The Walk of Punishment is the name of that road Daenerys walks down where everyone's getting crucified on upper case Ts. Yipes.

photos courtesy HBO