26 September 2011

A Tardy Account Of Aging Models, Made Over



MAKEOVER MAKEOVER! MAKEOVER MAKEOVER! Welcome to ANTM's Makeover Episode, ie The Most Important Day of the Fashion Year. Everything else comes to a complete stop on Makeover Day - Wintour makes the office take an hour of silence, Lagerfeld sits in a bath all day, and any home ec student caught mending an apron is thrown off the FIT building onto one of those button statues. It's a terribly big day, and on ANTM: All Stars, Makeover Day terrorizes itself to a new level.

First things first, some Dutch guy walks into the house just as All the Stars are playing dress-up for whatever sad reason. He gives each model a one-word description to form a brand around and he also singlehandedly destroys the LGBT movement by belittling Kayla's main thing. Bianca's word is "candid," which she defines as now having free reign to start shit with everyone, all day, forever. Oddly it's Bre who finally puts everything into perspective: your fans need to know how to follow you, so it's useful to be able to clarify your whole deal down to one word. What can we say, 6 years of simple aging have done wonders for the kid.

At the salon, Sheena blatantly refuses to let them touch her hair. Apparently last time they burned the hair off her scalp and it took years to get it back together again. Lisa has a small, faked break-down, and then Bre has a larger but still faked break-down. We hear her voiceover from the bathroom explaining "I was upset when they wanted to cut my hair...now I'm at rage!" It looks like the models all figured out that the best way to spend Makeover Day is to be upset without being THE MOST UPSET. This self-regulation makes the salon less enjoyable.

The girls go straight from the Makeover Chair to Posin' With Hot Dogs in the Corner. What the hell is this photoshoot? Did you see me, Daddy, eatin' a hot dog? Why are they making Sheena pose with a weener in her mouth? Why are they making Isis?! WHY WOULD THEY MAKE KAYLA?! All of the hot dog stuff is shameful and sad, and it made a single hot tear run down my red cheek onto my very own hot dog with which I, too, was posing provocatively. Hi, it's me, a model, trying to convey a one-word identity while keeping a hot dog shoved halfway into my mouth.


Obviously Isis ends up with the roughest picture of all time, with a hand over the penis that no longer exists and a mouth sucking on that sausage like there's no tomorrow. Somehow Angelea gets a great picture. But in the end, Tyra declares Lisa the winner. She is showing us her mouthful of food, after all. That's how you win Makeover Day.

Sheena ultimately loses Makeover Day, probably because she wouldn't let them touch her hair, but more likely because she's the 2nd-partiest of the girls after Brittany. With this logic Lisa should be eliminated next week, but I have a strange feeling they'll be getting rid of Kayla. Just so long as Laura stays, it's fine with me. KEEP LAURA ALIVE!

all photos courtesy cwtv.com

HOT DOG PICTURES!






   

23 September 2011

A Thoughtful Post About All The TV I Watched Last Night

Thursday night is must-see television. Everybody knows that, but not everybody is willing to sit in a chair for 4 consecutive hours watching 7 of them all at once. On second thought if you're reading this, you probably are. If it's Thursday anyways.

COMMUNITY: A Little Biology Lesson (Omar, that is!!!)
A hilarious yet low-key start to season 3. Chang becoming a security officer is a giant step in the right changrection, and I admit that I'm not hating John Goodman as much as I assumed I would and normally do - but possibly only due to his stellar Rip Torn impression while screaming at the Dean. The huge number at the beginning felt dorky to me at first until I realized it was one of those "There'll be this! /There'll be that! /Gonna pull a rabbit out of a hat!" opening numbers. The kind that makes a LOT of promises that most likely will be kept in one way or another. Like in The Great Muppet Caper!

PARKS & REC: Knope 2012
AMAZING! Tammy 1 is here and she's telling April how to use posture to increase boob pertness! Ron's sprinting at full speed down a slippery hallway! Andy's pouring Pepto on that guy's shoe ("Now I've unaccomplished that")! (Or whatever the line was) This was the best of the NBC comedies last night. Poor Benslie, though, poooooooooor Benslie.

THE OFFICE: California's List
First off, I think it's a great choice to put Andy Bernard in the Regional Manager's office, if only for his opening credits schtick. And it's an even better choice to put Spader in as CEO. But it's weird how many Michael Scott lines they gave to Andy last night. They were there all the way leading up to it, but the conference room scene where Andy defends all the "losers" to California was particularly spot-on Michael Scott. Let Andy be the boss as Andy! And I like that there's another baby for Jim and Pam. L-I-V-I-N!

WHITNEY: It's Not My Wedding and I'll Wear a Hoodie and a White Dress If I Want To
Ohhhhhhhh lordddddyyyyyy. I saw 2 Broke Girls on Monday night, and with this I have been treated to the full Whitney Cummings treatment. Unless she also did the Charlie Sheen Roast, in which case I'll have to watch that too. What on earth is going on? What the hell is wrong with all of this? First off, there are laugh tracks in both shows, but Whitney's is from a live studio audience. This means they laugh more often and in more canned-sounded ways, forcing Chris D'Elia to pause in the middle of a sentence to deliver a joke. "If you're wearing a white dress-" HAHAHAHA "-to a wedding-" HAHAHAHA "-then how will the groom know who to marry?" AHAHAHAHAH WHOA HAHAHA THIS IS AMAZING WE ARE ALL LAUGHING SO MUCH HA HA HA. That line actually belonged to Whitney herself, but I couldn't remember any of his lines, which is a big problem because that guy was FUNNY in Glory Daze. Particularly funny. Yet here all I want is to die. Whitney switches to a yellow dress so she doesn't get confused for the bride, but GUESS WHAT! The bride's in a yellow dress too! Ah, life! This is just like Curb!* Not to mention, watching Whitney deliver these lines is like watching her give a congratulatory speech to Hitler. There is NO ONE less interested in selling these jokes than her, and I don't blame her. What I saw last night must be SO different from what she originally wrote and sold to NBC. But I'd need to see what she originally wrote in that case.

*I always hear Curb Your Enthusiasm shortened to "Curbed." Is that right? It feels right. But I left it like that up so as not to lose your respect.

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA: Summer Dreamin'
I liked this episode better than last week's, which is like adding 200 to 100, which is like giving a good metaphor for something good being followed by something better, but it's not actually a good metaphor in reality, so I'm sorry. But it was sweet that Charlie finally got to have a night of consensual fun with the Waitress, and it was hilarious to see Dennis & Dee in a crack situation again (only much worse this time), and Rum Ham is both brilliant and delectable sounding. Only I figured that Charlie's whole deal was a hallucination because of all the sunscreen he drank. Nope, turns out not!

ARCHER: The Return of "WAWH"
Archer's awesome but after all that other tv, I was straight up no longer paying attention. I could blame the episode, but I know I'm the one to blame. Though I will say, David Cross, what's this supposed to be? I know a lot of these voiceovers are recorded over the phone, but that's no reason to PHONE IT IN, SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JERSEY SHORE: Jionni Jabroni
Here comes a doozy. Snooki goes to jail for this car crash but gets out in a few hours because her roommati bring her drivers licensia to the precincto. Back at home, Jionni tells her over the phone that Roger won't be making the trip with him. JWOWW is destroyed. Minimal drama happens, but it definitely reinforces what I don't like about Roger. He's boring and too real for this shit. "My job won't let me...I put in for the time off but I didn't get it...it's out of my hands" as Jenni cries. Everything except the "it's out of my hands" thing is boring. The "hands" thing itself just makes me like him less, since that sounds exactly like "...so you can't blame me as I am pristine in this situation" to me, which is helpful to no one but the pristine asshole who is still letting you down. Help ME, Roger. Not YOU. Help JENNI.

Jenni handles it like a pro and I realize that she looks and talks just like the girl from Dead Like Me, which I just started watching on netflix (now that we're all the way through with Ally McBeal). The lips, scratchy voice, and New Jersey "lilt" are identical. And JWOWW is a sobering presence, just like the grim reaper. Anyway.



The blonde girl who stalks Mike crawls into his bed before he returns from a night out clubbin' with an Aussie companion. The companion immediately retches and her eyes burn up like acid.

Finally Jionni arrives and wants to take a shower before doing anything else. Look dude, everyone needs a shower after international travel. But sometimes, if you're in love, if it means something (anything) to the girl you love, you push the shower off 'til later. Yeah, it's not ideal. But it certainly shows your girlfriend that you love her more than you love a 15-minute shower. (It doesn't matter that you have a longer relationship with showers. Showers know how you feel about them. They feel fine waiting. In fact, they know not the passage of time at all! (Thanks for the phrasing, Kit Kat.))

Deena notes that Mike's new thing is karate. Ohhhhhh dear, this is clearly a manifestation of brain damage but nobody has the ability to diagnose it. Sitch keeps trying to get into kick fights. He even reassures Vinny that the floor in the club has a great grip, better traction for kick fights. Unfortunately for kick fights, no such luck. The drama quickly turns to Snooki and Jionni, or Shit and Show. Yes, that's perfect because Jionni is shitty and Snooki literally shows her vagina to an entire club on purpose to be sexy.



Jionni tells Snooki to cover that kook, but her refusal forces him to leave the club in a huff. Everybody chases him - Ronnie, JWOWW, and Snooks - but only Ronnie ends up catching up to him. It seriously looks like Jionni's in for a knuckle sandwich, but Ronnie surprises us all. He calmly and with words reminds him that he walked into that life with his eyes open, while acknowledging that "Single Snooki" is not an OK persona for this relationship. Remember this because it will come in later.



JWOWW tries to give it to Snooki straight, but Shnickers is way too far gone to hear any of it. "I don't deserve this right now!" she insists, conceding how much she deserves it at other times. Jenni takes off her serious black wedge/heels and proceeds to blanket the streets of Florence by herself. This is the way a good friend would act in a movie. Damn, Jenni.

And so everyone makes it home before Jionni, for whom Snooki is waiting with her finger on the buzzer. Literally, because that would be disgusting otherwise. Jionni finally buzzes up and Snooki runs down the second flight of stairs to meet him halfway, but he sweeps right past her. Jionni is so mad, he's going back home after only 7 hours. Sammi overhears all of their strife and is simply astonished when she says "Now I know what you guys go through with Ronnie and me! It's terrible!" This is where that Ronnie thing comes back in. Ronnie and Sammi as separate people are almost as reasonable as the other roommates, which is not to say world-reasonable, but definitely as reasonable as you could expect these people to be.

In the end Jionni leaves. Mike calls him a wankster. Classic!

Next week's promo shows us Snooki making out with Vinny followed by Sitch basically proposing marriage to her. Damn, Shnooks. America's Sweetheart and then some!


all photos courtesy mtv.com

16 September 2011

American Sweethearts Are Wont To Push A Few Boundaries Here And There

Last night's episode of Jersey Shore made me seriously question Snooki's lifestyle for the first time since season 1. Which means that even in season 3, by the time Snooki was passing out on the boardwalk, I was unsurprised and still feeling relatively protective of her choices. There's something lovable about Snooki that's totally ineffable, and when you watch her for more than 2 episodes, it's clear that she's America's Sweetheart.



It's a new decade; nobody should presume to know what the 2010 American Sweetheart will look like. Maybe she is meatball-shaped. Maybe she does curse like Joe Pesci and flash people in public. It's the inner traits of our national female character that identify her: boldness, generosity, and an inarguable underdog quality.

Is Snooki bold? Unquestionably yes. It might even be her undoing, after last night's episode. We are a nation that hates regret, and our most agreed-upon regret is inaction. Snooki will never sit at home wondering what if. Snooki gits 'r dun, as they say.

Is Snooki generous? Not on the outside, what with all the blood-curdling screaming and unadulterated gynoxenophobia. But she's generous with her friends to a fault, giving them endless opportunities to show that they're good people. She's especially protective of her friends in club settings, mostly due to her guidette pugnacity, but also due to a fierce loyalty that the American spirit shares. Our allies deserve all the chances in the world to make it better, and wouldn't it be nice to have a friend who feels that way about you?

Finally, is Snooki an underdog? For god's sake, she's 4 feet tall. Tell me you'd throw Danny DeVito away if suddenly he lost his sparkling wit. Of course you wouldn't! This goes double for Snooki. To be brave and fiercely loyal the way she does it can get very lonely. The fact that Snooki seems so proud of her antics is unconscious posturing at its purest - if she didn't at least act like she was fully behind every action, she'd have some serious cognitive dissonance to deal with. And so forth with our great country. A steel-willed dark horse with a heart of gold, God shed his grace on thee!

And so it was with great concern that I watched last night's episode, in which Snooki goes completely out of control in a very public and terribly embarrassing way. The episode begins at work (classic Irish haunt, O'Vesuvius Pizza), where Jwoww and Snooki work verrrrrrrry slowwwwwwly as Ronnie harasses women on the sidewalk with a megaphone. For real, Sallyann, these kids don't really need a job while they're in Italy. Yes, yes, it's policy these days to make the kids work, but here it truly doesn't make sense. No one cares that their break is running too long. I don't understand the international work laws. Are they interns?

The gang heads out to "Ritrono" for the weekend, and it's nowhere to be found on the map. Apparently it's just bursting with nude beaches, but lo and behold, I see none. There is, however, a Situation lookalike at a restaurant nearby. "Team Kooka," or the Vaginal Grouping of Girls Only, get a little too brassy, and Italian men keep taking it upon themselves to tell the girls to be more modest.* Unfortunately, the girls are now compelled to up the ante. Deena dances her bikini bottoms off as Snooki flashes a vacationing Swedish couple in the corner. Eventually the roommates go to dinner, leaving the Meatballs alone on the curb picking their noses with no panties on.



Later on everyone reunites at a club and Deena and Snooki reenact the Terrys, which I just saw for the first time yesterday. Everyone is mortified. Eventually Deena's vagina takes its last look at the dance floor and everyone heads home so that Deena and Snooki can fall asleep making out and wake up beclothed.

The next morning, the entire gang is disturbed and lightly sick. But the issue they pick out to discuss is not how out of control things got for the girls last night, not how unsafe they were being and how unrealistic their expectations were, but how Deena might actually be a lesbian now. Everyone's a nervous wreck that the two grabs for sexual attention belie a deeper lesbian sensibility in Deena, a sensibility which makes everyone nervous and scared. Don't worry about the alcohol poisoning, guys. Just be worried that she's had a lesbian encounter after the one that she said would be her last one.

Snooki drives halfway back to Florence with the parking break on. This is symbolic of something, but what? She calls Jionni and hesitantly recounts the evening, to which Jionni's like "eh, whatevah." That Jionni, what a guy! Right about now I'm noticing what a good job Sammi and Ronnie are doing staying away from each other. I'm proud of that.

Uh oh, Snooki and Deena crash into a parked polizia car. Even though I'm pretty sure Snooki hasn't had a drink since the night before, I'm also pretty sure that her BAC has still got to be like 50 full points above the legal limit. This is not going to make Jionni very happy...although, actually, he might be surprisingly fine with it.



*This isn't the first time the girls get unsolicited "how to be a lady" advice from Italian men. Last week a priest chased them from the outside of a cathedral because of how they were dressed. This is an awkward situation - nobody wants clothing to be an issue anymore (it's annoying to have to wear long sleeves etc in a cathedral, especially if you're just walking past the outside of it), but there's obviously a level of disrespect that just oozes out of our Jersey girls' pores. And in classic guidette fashion, the girls react to their lecturers with more brass than ever.

How does this scenario fit into women's rights? Here we have two extremes: the more "traditional" Italian male (who still feels authorized to dress down a woman when she's out of line) and the more "progressive" Italian-American female (who doesn't appreciate chastisement and who will always bite back, even if what the guy's saying is sort of true). And although it's awkward to try to define the limits of "what's appropriate," it's perfectly fine to consider the fact that other people just don't want to see Meatball Vaginas when they're leaving church.  Women of the world, what do you think/would you wear with pink high heels and a cute black top?

all photos courtesy mtv.com

15 September 2011

ANTM All Stars: America's Previous Top Models Collectively Drop Down A Rung


So much of this is hard to believe. It's hard to believe that this spread-eagled picture of Lisa eternal-39-year-old D'Amato exists. It's hard to believe that ANTM's fall cycle premiere coincides with my birthday every year. It's hard to believe that a show like this can have a 17th season, and it's harder to believe that I've seen every second of the previous 16. But what's hardest to believe, and what's hardest to comprehend even now that I've seen last night's season opener, is that Tyra Banks convinced so many old contestants to come back for more. Women who've already been reaping all the rewards there are to reap from being on ANTM are coming back to compete again, despite the show's stigma in the modeling community. I always thought the smartest thing a model could do is to leave her completed ANTM cycle behind her. Coming back sounds like trying to compete in the Miss America pageant after they've already given you your scholarship. And yet, despite everything that's hard to understand about the All Star season of ANTM, this is going to be ridiculously easy to watch.

The season begins with Tyra's weird dream about past contestants. I can't say why they make Tyra conceptualize, produce, costume, direct, and act in her own season opener videos, but it's clear that no one else has a hand in this. Unless it's a team of shrugging women and men going "I guess this'll have to do!" In which case they should be fired because I could do that job, so give me their job. Nah guys, just kidding! I got a great job a few months ago! First reprieve from The Great Post-College Job Search since 2008. But still it sounds like I could do that job, the one of being like "You know what, Tyra? It'll work. Trust me, I'm wearing stilettos. Hell, we both are."

The returning contestants run the gamuts of age, race (not), and sanity. The season 1 contestant, Shannon Stewart, probably the oldest model here, ironically refuses to model in underwear as it's "just for her husband." The second oldest, Lisa, pees in diapers all day. And poor Brittany. America's favorite party model now seems ragged and desperate, like Kristen Johnson's character in Sex & the City (pre-defenestration).

Then there are younger girls, girls who were only 17 during their seasons so now they're only 22, so they're crazy on a much more aggressive, violent level. None of us want Bianca back. Nor do we want Bre. Those girls make my blood pressure hurt.

Then, happily, there are returning models who are a sight for sore eyes. Laura Kirkpatrick, I'm talking to you. Oddly it's nice to see Dominique, the tranniest of all trannies, who gave birth not 2 months before the show started taping. Obviously it's wonderful to see Sheena and Isis again, plus Kayla the Lesbian. Could you imagine if they had gotten Kim back too? Two redheaded lesbian models, a love whose name America shall never dare speak.

Plus:
ME: Great news, sidebar.
BLOGGY: What's so great?
ME: Your friend is back!
BLOGGY: My friend Nic-o-tine?
ME: No, that's a chemical and nobody's friend.
BLOGGY: What's not chemical?
ME: You have a good point but please, just this once, just let me-
BLOGGY: No, it's fine, but it just seems to me that if everything's chemical, then it's really not such a huge deal if I just smoke one cigarette every once in a-
ME: YOU'RE NOT SMOKING! AND THAT IS FINAL MISTER!
BLOGGY: You...are not my mother.
ME: Screw it. Allison Harvard is back, that's all I was going to tell you.
BLOGGY: OMG Allison?!?!?! I love her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
fin

Allison Harvard looks like Kristen Schaal. 

Tyra declares a live judging in Nokia Plaza (STARRING THE HONORABLE NICKI MINAJ AS GUEST JUDGE) and subtly notices the way the models interact with their fans. Natural Swalexandria, the unwittingest bitch in the universe, gets heckled pretty roughly. The guy calls her the c-word at some point I think. It's enough to make her cry, but guess what, somehow she doesn't get voted out!

Nicki Minaj hates all the pictures of all the girls. She is my favorite person. Her hiney could win America's Next Top Model: All Stars easily. But the best thing she does is ask Laura's Grandma Wanda Sue to make her an outfit. And you just KNOW Wanda Sue has been taking lessons at the JoAnn's in Conyers!!!!!!!!!!!! WOO WOO WANDA SUE!

Nigel Barker grew out his hair, and I heard it was to prove to his kid that he could grow hair. Well, now you've proven it! Time to teach your kid to shave your head!

At Elimination Panel, the judges declare that Isis has the best picture, although it's kind of cloudy and gross. But she sure does look happier post-op! Wouldn't you know it, Brittany gets kicked off. Party girls get no love in the harsh light of day, Brittany Brower. YOU HAVE TO MAKE THEM COUNT IT!

all photos courtesy of cwtv.com

14 September 2011

Tonight ALL The STARS Are Out



OH LORD YES!

09 September 2011

JS Mini Report

First of all, I took a hiatus from Jersey Shore recaps because I realized writing it all down takes up much more time than just letting my four roommates hear it straight from the horse's mouth in real time. They constitute the largest percentage of my readership anyway, so I've been able to justify the absence. UNTIL NOW HOWEVER.

Items I will be discussing in a much longer post:
1. Snooki's boyfriend Jionni and The Editor - who is playing whom?
2. Intro Psych Lessons learned from Ronnie's sunroom discussions
3. Jean-Jacques Rousseau's theories on dancing and its benefit to non-violent primitive interface
4. Deena's eyebrows

Just not right this minute!!!!!