23 September 2011

A Thoughtful Post About All The TV I Watched Last Night

Thursday night is must-see television. Everybody knows that, but not everybody is willing to sit in a chair for 4 consecutive hours watching 7 of them all at once. On second thought if you're reading this, you probably are. If it's Thursday anyways.

COMMUNITY: A Little Biology Lesson (Omar, that is!!!)
A hilarious yet low-key start to season 3. Chang becoming a security officer is a giant step in the right changrection, and I admit that I'm not hating John Goodman as much as I assumed I would and normally do - but possibly only due to his stellar Rip Torn impression while screaming at the Dean. The huge number at the beginning felt dorky to me at first until I realized it was one of those "There'll be this! /There'll be that! /Gonna pull a rabbit out of a hat!" opening numbers. The kind that makes a LOT of promises that most likely will be kept in one way or another. Like in The Great Muppet Caper!

PARKS & REC: Knope 2012
AMAZING! Tammy 1 is here and she's telling April how to use posture to increase boob pertness! Ron's sprinting at full speed down a slippery hallway! Andy's pouring Pepto on that guy's shoe ("Now I've unaccomplished that")! (Or whatever the line was) This was the best of the NBC comedies last night. Poor Benslie, though, poooooooooor Benslie.

THE OFFICE: California's List
First off, I think it's a great choice to put Andy Bernard in the Regional Manager's office, if only for his opening credits schtick. And it's an even better choice to put Spader in as CEO. But it's weird how many Michael Scott lines they gave to Andy last night. They were there all the way leading up to it, but the conference room scene where Andy defends all the "losers" to California was particularly spot-on Michael Scott. Let Andy be the boss as Andy! And I like that there's another baby for Jim and Pam. L-I-V-I-N!

WHITNEY: It's Not My Wedding and I'll Wear a Hoodie and a White Dress If I Want To
Ohhhhhhhh lordddddyyyyyy. I saw 2 Broke Girls on Monday night, and with this I have been treated to the full Whitney Cummings treatment. Unless she also did the Charlie Sheen Roast, in which case I'll have to watch that too. What on earth is going on? What the hell is wrong with all of this? First off, there are laugh tracks in both shows, but Whitney's is from a live studio audience. This means they laugh more often and in more canned-sounded ways, forcing Chris D'Elia to pause in the middle of a sentence to deliver a joke. "If you're wearing a white dress-" HAHAHAHA "-to a wedding-" HAHAHAHA "-then how will the groom know who to marry?" AHAHAHAHAH WHOA HAHAHA THIS IS AMAZING WE ARE ALL LAUGHING SO MUCH HA HA HA. That line actually belonged to Whitney herself, but I couldn't remember any of his lines, which is a big problem because that guy was FUNNY in Glory Daze. Particularly funny. Yet here all I want is to die. Whitney switches to a yellow dress so she doesn't get confused for the bride, but GUESS WHAT! The bride's in a yellow dress too! Ah, life! This is just like Curb!* Not to mention, watching Whitney deliver these lines is like watching her give a congratulatory speech to Hitler. There is NO ONE less interested in selling these jokes than her, and I don't blame her. What I saw last night must be SO different from what she originally wrote and sold to NBC. But I'd need to see what she originally wrote in that case.

*I always hear Curb Your Enthusiasm shortened to "Curbed." Is that right? It feels right. But I left it like that up so as not to lose your respect.

I liked this episode better than last week's, which is like adding 200 to 100, which is like giving a good metaphor for something good being followed by something better, but it's not actually a good metaphor in reality, so I'm sorry. But it was sweet that Charlie finally got to have a night of consensual fun with the Waitress, and it was hilarious to see Dennis & Dee in a crack situation again (only much worse this time), and Rum Ham is both brilliant and delectable sounding. Only I figured that Charlie's whole deal was a hallucination because of all the sunscreen he drank. Nope, turns out not!

ARCHER: The Return of "WAWH"
Archer's awesome but after all that other tv, I was straight up no longer paying attention. I could blame the episode, but I know I'm the one to blame. Though I will say, David Cross, what's this supposed to be? I know a lot of these voiceovers are recorded over the phone, but that's no reason to PHONE IT IN, SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JERSEY SHORE: Jionni Jabroni
Here comes a doozy. Snooki goes to jail for this car crash but gets out in a few hours because her roommati bring her drivers licensia to the precincto. Back at home, Jionni tells her over the phone that Roger won't be making the trip with him. JWOWW is destroyed. Minimal drama happens, but it definitely reinforces what I don't like about Roger. He's boring and too real for this shit. "My job won't let me...I put in for the time off but I didn't get it...it's out of my hands" as Jenni cries. Everything except the "it's out of my hands" thing is boring. The "hands" thing itself just makes me like him less, since that sounds exactly like "...so you can't blame me as I am pristine in this situation" to me, which is helpful to no one but the pristine asshole who is still letting you down. Help ME, Roger. Not YOU. Help JENNI.

Jenni handles it like a pro and I realize that she looks and talks just like the girl from Dead Like Me, which I just started watching on netflix (now that we're all the way through with Ally McBeal). The lips, scratchy voice, and New Jersey "lilt" are identical. And JWOWW is a sobering presence, just like the grim reaper. Anyway.

The blonde girl who stalks Mike crawls into his bed before he returns from a night out clubbin' with an Aussie companion. The companion immediately retches and her eyes burn up like acid.

Finally Jionni arrives and wants to take a shower before doing anything else. Look dude, everyone needs a shower after international travel. But sometimes, if you're in love, if it means something (anything) to the girl you love, you push the shower off 'til later. Yeah, it's not ideal. But it certainly shows your girlfriend that you love her more than you love a 15-minute shower. (It doesn't matter that you have a longer relationship with showers. Showers know how you feel about them. They feel fine waiting. In fact, they know not the passage of time at all! (Thanks for the phrasing, Kit Kat.))

Deena notes that Mike's new thing is karate. Ohhhhhh dear, this is clearly a manifestation of brain damage but nobody has the ability to diagnose it. Sitch keeps trying to get into kick fights. He even reassures Vinny that the floor in the club has a great grip, better traction for kick fights. Unfortunately for kick fights, no such luck. The drama quickly turns to Snooki and Jionni, or Shit and Show. Yes, that's perfect because Jionni is shitty and Snooki literally shows her vagina to an entire club on purpose to be sexy.

Jionni tells Snooki to cover that kook, but her refusal forces him to leave the club in a huff. Everybody chases him - Ronnie, JWOWW, and Snooks - but only Ronnie ends up catching up to him. It seriously looks like Jionni's in for a knuckle sandwich, but Ronnie surprises us all. He calmly and with words reminds him that he walked into that life with his eyes open, while acknowledging that "Single Snooki" is not an OK persona for this relationship. Remember this because it will come in later.

JWOWW tries to give it to Snooki straight, but Shnickers is way too far gone to hear any of it. "I don't deserve this right now!" she insists, conceding how much she deserves it at other times. Jenni takes off her serious black wedge/heels and proceeds to blanket the streets of Florence by herself. This is the way a good friend would act in a movie. Damn, Jenni.

And so everyone makes it home before Jionni, for whom Snooki is waiting with her finger on the buzzer. Literally, because that would be disgusting otherwise. Jionni finally buzzes up and Snooki runs down the second flight of stairs to meet him halfway, but he sweeps right past her. Jionni is so mad, he's going back home after only 7 hours. Sammi overhears all of their strife and is simply astonished when she says "Now I know what you guys go through with Ronnie and me! It's terrible!" This is where that Ronnie thing comes back in. Ronnie and Sammi as separate people are almost as reasonable as the other roommates, which is not to say world-reasonable, but definitely as reasonable as you could expect these people to be.

In the end Jionni leaves. Mike calls him a wankster. Classic!

Next week's promo shows us Snooki making out with Vinny followed by Sitch basically proposing marriage to her. Damn, Shnooks. America's Sweetheart and then some!

all photos courtesy mtv.com

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