15 September 2011

ANTM All Stars: America's Previous Top Models Collectively Drop Down A Rung

So much of this is hard to believe. It's hard to believe that this spread-eagled picture of Lisa eternal-39-year-old D'Amato exists. It's hard to believe that ANTM's fall cycle premiere coincides with my birthday every year. It's hard to believe that a show like this can have a 17th season, and it's harder to believe that I've seen every second of the previous 16. But what's hardest to believe, and what's hardest to comprehend even now that I've seen last night's season opener, is that Tyra Banks convinced so many old contestants to come back for more. Women who've already been reaping all the rewards there are to reap from being on ANTM are coming back to compete again, despite the show's stigma in the modeling community. I always thought the smartest thing a model could do is to leave her completed ANTM cycle behind her. Coming back sounds like trying to compete in the Miss America pageant after they've already given you your scholarship. And yet, despite everything that's hard to understand about the All Star season of ANTM, this is going to be ridiculously easy to watch.

The season begins with Tyra's weird dream about past contestants. I can't say why they make Tyra conceptualize, produce, costume, direct, and act in her own season opener videos, but it's clear that no one else has a hand in this. Unless it's a team of shrugging women and men going "I guess this'll have to do!" In which case they should be fired because I could do that job, so give me their job. Nah guys, just kidding! I got a great job a few months ago! First reprieve from The Great Post-College Job Search since 2008. But still it sounds like I could do that job, the one of being like "You know what, Tyra? It'll work. Trust me, I'm wearing stilettos. Hell, we both are."

The returning contestants run the gamuts of age, race (not), and sanity. The season 1 contestant, Shannon Stewart, probably the oldest model here, ironically refuses to model in underwear as it's "just for her husband." The second oldest, Lisa, pees in diapers all day. And poor Brittany. America's favorite party model now seems ragged and desperate, like Kristen Johnson's character in Sex & the City (pre-defenestration).

Then there are younger girls, girls who were only 17 during their seasons so now they're only 22, so they're crazy on a much more aggressive, violent level. None of us want Bianca back. Nor do we want Bre. Those girls make my blood pressure hurt.

Then, happily, there are returning models who are a sight for sore eyes. Laura Kirkpatrick, I'm talking to you. Oddly it's nice to see Dominique, the tranniest of all trannies, who gave birth not 2 months before the show started taping. Obviously it's wonderful to see Sheena and Isis again, plus Kayla the Lesbian. Could you imagine if they had gotten Kim back too? Two redheaded lesbian models, a love whose name America shall never dare speak.

ME: Great news, sidebar.
BLOGGY: What's so great?
ME: Your friend is back!
BLOGGY: My friend Nic-o-tine?
ME: No, that's a chemical and nobody's friend.
BLOGGY: What's not chemical?
ME: You have a good point but please, just this once, just let me-
BLOGGY: No, it's fine, but it just seems to me that if everything's chemical, then it's really not such a huge deal if I just smoke one cigarette every once in a-
BLOGGY: You...are not my mother.
ME: Screw it. Allison Harvard is back, that's all I was going to tell you.
BLOGGY: OMG Allison?!?!?! I love her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Allison Harvard looks like Kristen Schaal. 

Tyra declares a live judging in Nokia Plaza (STARRING THE HONORABLE NICKI MINAJ AS GUEST JUDGE) and subtly notices the way the models interact with their fans. Natural Swalexandria, the unwittingest bitch in the universe, gets heckled pretty roughly. The guy calls her the c-word at some point I think. It's enough to make her cry, but guess what, somehow she doesn't get voted out!

Nicki Minaj hates all the pictures of all the girls. She is my favorite person. Her hiney could win America's Next Top Model: All Stars easily. But the best thing she does is ask Laura's Grandma Wanda Sue to make her an outfit. And you just KNOW Wanda Sue has been taking lessons at the JoAnn's in Conyers!!!!!!!!!!!! WOO WOO WANDA SUE!

Nigel Barker grew out his hair, and I heard it was to prove to his kid that he could grow hair. Well, now you've proven it! Time to teach your kid to shave your head!

At Elimination Panel, the judges declare that Isis has the best picture, although it's kind of cloudy and gross. But she sure does look happier post-op! Wouldn't you know it, Brittany gets kicked off. Party girls get no love in the harsh light of day, Brittany Brower. YOU HAVE TO MAKE THEM COUNT IT!

all photos courtesy of cwtv.com

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