14 February 2010

The Night Of My Life: Surprise Tool Academy III Premiere

I was just starting to want to stop watching the Olympics today when suddenly Tool Academy III appeared on my tv guide! I'd had no idea the premiere was tonight! What better way to spend Valentine's Day than with a dozen juiced-up jerks - dreams can come true, evidently.

As we all know, I've been an avid fan of the Academy since season one, episode one. You can't write most of the stuff that comes out of their mouths! They're all going to therapy with Vanessa Hudgens form of: British Cougar! Season two features a tool named Big John, whose dismissal causes a power struggle that consists mainly of flexing duels ("Now that the king is gone, I got to stand my ground").

This season, the Academy flexed its door hinges wider than ever before. They enrolled two girl tools ("Toolettes") - one straight, and one gay - and a married couple, the fairer half of which was already completely humiliated by the second minute. I have to say, one of the toolettes is named Jennavecia. And one of the guys is named Chasyn.

I found out from wikipedia today that at least seven previous tools have participated in pornographic videos for a website called straight college men dot com. Please google, don't include me in that search!

The first day of class starts with some tool waking up and saying, "top of the mornin'...to y'all." What makes this show get better every season is how increasingly familiar the tools get with what it means to be on this show. Nowadays, when confronted with the cold hard truth that they've been taken to Tool Academy, most of these guys get genuinely upset. They immediately understand just how bad the situation is, and they usually cry.

"This is really toolish behavior," notes Trina Dolenz. I wonder if and hope that she's Mickey Dolenz's sister. Jennavecia has man hands, and I foresee repeating this observation a lot, a lot a lot. Suddenly the Glow-Sticker Tool has a really high, scratchy voice, exactly like the old pervert from Family Guy, and Trina asks if he's doing a voice.

Now it's on commercial, so I had to switch back to figure skating for my roommate. Now there's an NBC commercial for The Office: Here Comes Baby week. OK, back to school. Uh oh, they're in the doghouse! Literally, the Tools are sitting in doghouses as their girlfriends/boyfriend use literal tools to free them. Aw, Jennavecia's boyfriend calls her Jenny. Oh well.

Chasyn moves out! And he leaves Trina to pick up the pieces. That was a spoiler, I guess. I really should start writing those Here Be Spoilers pirate warnings, but you know how it goes. Anyways, the show's over, and next week's episode - airing at noon next Sunday on vh1 - looks even better. Here's to you, tools.

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