ANTM Recap "Lana Marks"

"I will only allow this photograph to be taken with the express condition that Anna Wintour never, ever lay eyes on it, for I am Andre Leon Talley and homey will NOT play that."

Another late recap, another great me-hap! ANTM was new two weeks ago, and it was the episode in which their foreign destination is announced - looks like the girls are going to Morocco! - but a lot happened before all that.

The episode starts with Brittani apologizing to Natural Swag for her temper tantrums over the past few days, and Swagxandria accepts the apology. My boyfriend Josh suggests that Natural Swag might be improving, but I refuse to agree. "But she's learning," he reasons. "But huge turds can't learn," I reply. "But...I'm the talent," argues Natural Swag pre-emptively a few weeks ago.

If you didn't know by now, Tyra booked 25 shows in Paris with only 3 photos in her portfolio when she was just starting out. You might have known that by now because it gets brought up a lot, particularly on Go-See Day. WHICH IS WHAT TODAY IS!

The girls have to guide their drivers around LA to get to all of their go-sees, and this season, it's ultra-important to hit as many as possible. (Even though they've only been given something like 3 hours to see 5 designers in very far-flung areas of LA.) Brittani and Jaclyn decide to play it safe after making it to only 2 go-sees, but it comes back to haunt them when Lana Marks shows up, who is apparently a very elegant zombie. Lombie Marks makes Alexandria, Molly, and Kasia pose with her purse collection, and when she asks Natty Swag why she'd want to get this campaign, Alexandria replies with "Why WOULDN'T I want to get this campaign?" Lombie Marks is thrilled and proclaims her the winner, then tries to eat her brains with a dainty salad fork.

"I can't stop looking smug. 'Sorry,' everyone."

A Tyra Mail comes for the girls, and my roommates and I discuss the fact that even though those notes always end with "Love, Tyra," it would be better/more accurate if they ended with "Love, Tyra Mail." Because it's not really Tyra's voice making up the riddles in these stupid things. Take this week for example: "A modeling career is a terrible thing to waste. Love, Tyra." Nah, Tyra didn't write that. Tyra Mail did. Tyra Mail is the riddle-bearing sphinx and Tyra is, uh, Tiresias.

Yet again, the girls are modeling with great heaps of trash. This happens nearly every season now, and even though it's well-worn ("recycled"!!!!!!!!!!!!!) territory, it's nice that ANTM advocates for reminding people that we continue to make tons of trash. Stinky-chic activism at its finest.

Nigel Barker shoots the girls and keeps complimenting Natural Swag on things she's not actually doing well. Then he gets pissy when he notices how much Molly complains, which, as it turns out, is all the time. "This is unsanitary!" "Does anybody have a BB gun?" "I hate you, birds!" Nigel reassures Brittani before her shoot, which is nice because it's totally voluntary. To make him proud, Brittani writhes around on the ground (actually just the topmost surface of leagues of packed-in garbage) to show how invested she really is. It's gross, but it's one of the things I like about her. She's pretty invested.

At Elimination, Natural Swag wears her velveteen choker YET AGAIN and this time I have a picture of it, along with another shit-eating grin:

"I was so unsure of myself but now I can see through your eyes that I'm WONDERFUL!"

Every judge loves Natty Swag, and they think her final photograph is also very good because she's standing close to 9' tall on a ladder and you know Tyra's going to love that.

Alexswagria

The girls' wardrobe is made of recycled materials by Michael Cinco, which explains all these mylar dresses I guess. The next judged is Baby-Voiced Jaclyn, but this week her southern charm doesn't work as well as it used to. She booked both go-sees, but no one seems happy about her anymore. She's old news. Yes, she's also standing 9' tall, but feh. And that left arm is pretty bad.

Baby V Jaclyn

The judges like Molly's modeling but complain about her "off moments," probably referring to her desire to shoot every bird native to the landfill with BBs. Between Molly's bad attitude and Brittani's on-set tantrum, the judges have a lot of personal behavior to discuss. Yet they never seem to acknowledge anymore that Natty Swag is a person who moves lights around on set and directs the other girls and calls "cut" for herself during commercials, etc. I'd rather work with a girl who hates birds than a girl who RUINS ALL MY HARD WORK. But that's hypothetical.

Molly

Next up is Kasia, who made it to 4 go-sees but only booked 2. Such is the plight of the full-figured model who is beautiful and articulate. She just can't book certain shows.Unfortunately her photo isn't that great, either.

Kasia

Hannah comes next, and the judges accuse her of "overthinking" something. Lololololol enough joking around, Tyra! The judges should probably be saying something closer to "you are doubting your natural inclinations" because "overthinking" really does not have a role in this situation. Against all odds, Hannah overcomes her terribly hyperkinetic brain and ends up with a great photo.

Hannah

Brittani goes last, and her photograph is great, as always. The judges think it's "exactly the kind of thing Franca Sozzani would love," which seems like the most important criterion to hit since Sozzani's the editor-in-chief of Vogue Italia and the girls are trying to land a spread there.

Brittani

Wearing her Chanel No. 1 shirt, Natural Swag wins first place for the week. Tyra tells Brittani she's proud of her for "coming a long way." Molly and Baby Voice land in the Bottom Two, and poor Bizarro Sookie Stackhouse has to go home. "So are we gonna go home and try to learn to read a map?" asks Tyra to Jaclyn. But the joke is on you, Tyra, because Bon Temps doesn't even HAVE a map. Too overthinky!

Tonight's episode: Franca Sozzani, herself!

photos courtesy CWtv.com