31 October 2013

American Horror Story Recap: "Fearful Pranks Ensue" AKA Halloween, Part 1

Happy Halloween! I have great news: somebody in the Amhorst casting department likes us, because as of last night, Leslie Jordan entered the show!! He's part of the ominous Council, and he's as petite and addled as ever. WELCOME BACK TO TELEVISION, BEVERLEY LESLIE! WE HAVE SORELY MISSED YOU!!!

29 October 2013

Walking Dead Recap: "Isolation"

The title "Walking Dead" has always been a reference to the shambling corpses we lovingly call zombies, but since the end of the first season, it has also alluded to the latent infection every survivor carries, which turns corpses into zombies whether they died of a bite or not. With that news from the CDC, we learned that there are 2 types of zombie virus: the one that kills you quickly from a zombie-bite-caused fever, and the one that lies dormant in your healthy body until you die. Shambling or strolling vibrantly along, you're dead no matter what.

So is this new superflu a third version of the zombie virus? One whose symptoms kill you, just not as quickly as a bite? Is it just a regular old flu, but with no doctors or Zicam to fight it? What kind of flu makes people bleed from their eyeballs and throats? And where did it come from? AND WHY ISN'T CAROL EVER TAKEN TO TASK FOR ANYTHING ANYMORE?

25 October 2013

American Horror Story Coven Recap: "The Replacements" (Not Keanu Reeves)

Coven is different from Murder House & Asylum by virtue of its interest in providing answers to the INSANE questions Amhorst loves to present. While Murder House made us wonder who the hell certain ghosts were, why they could have sex with and kill people, and what made that house so darn silly, Asylum threw even more questions at us without ever answering them (WHY ALIENS WHY ALIENS WHY ALIENS?). But Coven was more than happy, at least at the beginning, to explain everything right away. Why did Zoe's vagina kill that guy? Because she's a witch and witches have particular powers and this is her particular power. Who is the mysterious, all-powerful Supreme of the generation? It's Jessica Lange. But now things have changed. Now nothing makes sense. But not because they've stopped answering questions.

The denizens of Coven's New Orleans are complete psychos. They have no reason for doing anything they've ever done. Patti LuPone, God love her, barely reacts when her curtains catch fire - she just glares at Emma Roberts like she insulted her church dress. And Kyle Monster's child molester mom? In the immortal words of Jeannie Darcy, don't EVEN get me started.

24 October 2013

A Very Short Walking Dead Recap: "Infected"

I just broke up with my boyfriend of six and a half years. He is wonderful. We watched this episode together. Here's a better recap than this will be. Here is my very short recap:

American Horror Story to come, probably tomorrow.

photos courtesy of amctv.com

17 October 2013

Amhorst Coven: "Boy Parts" & Toy Farts & Ploy Tarts

Time Warner Cable had a little trouble getting through last night's American Horror Story, so today I can only recap the portion of the episode I was actually able to see/hear/understand. 30% ain't bad! GETCHA SOME!

The Bayou?, not sure when: I guess Misty Day made it out alive from being burned at the stake, but my cable cut out so much of this part that all I caught is that she's in love with alligators now?

Ladies Dormitory, early morning: Emma Roberts plans to freak out Old Lady Cordelia by showing her bra, and Kathy Bates is hogtied and gagged in Jessica Lange's room. So in other words, it's a completely normal morning at Miss Robichaux's.

14 October 2013

Walking Dead Season 4 Premiere "30 Days Without An Accident"

After a long summer of 0 zombies, 0 reticent sheriffs, and 0 sleeveless ex-neo-nazis, I for one am ready to get back into the daily grind of post-apocalyptic prison life. AND WHAT A JOYFUL GRIND IT IS!

10 October 2013

American Horror Story: Coven "Bitchcraft" YES, IT'S HAPPENING

This recap is rated TVMA LSV because the Language is physically abusive, the Sexuality is annoyingly loquacious, and the Violence is VERY, VERY SEXAYYYYYYYYY!

Dear American Horror Story,

Welcome back into my waiting arms, sweet prince! Since 2011, you've brought me a brand new horrible freakshow every fall, and for that I've pledged you my undying affection. It doesn't matter that last season spun out into a three-way alien marriage toilet flush! It doesn't matter that Dylan McDermott's oversexed haunches still plague my nightmares!! What matters is you've come back to me, flinging Jessica Lange's beauty at my eyeballs like a relief-pitching banshee. What do you have in store for us this season? I already know about the teen witches. And I'm VERY excited.

I'm willing to wait and see, my darling. Until then, I remain

07 October 2013

ONE WEEK TO GO: The Walking Dead Webisodes

The new season of Walking Dead is almost here! Until season 4 starts this Sunday night, we've got these webisodes to tide us over. We've got "The Oath." Who needs tomorrow? WE'VE GOT "THE OAAATTTHHHH" WHY DON'T YOU STAAAAYYYYY

**As always, the embed code is screwy. Click on the "Webisode #" for the videos if these are still 3 of the same one**