29 October 2012

Zoned & Loving It


I am being careful by watching Dracula: Dead and Loving It! on Netflix Instant.

25 October 2012


Two weeks ago at 10pm, MTV recorded nothing but blackness. It turned out they aired another 2 episodes of Jersey Shore in one night. The next week I was buried in work and couldn't watch the new 5th episode without seeing the 3rd and 4th first. So I've watched all of them in the past 2 days, and now I think I have a mental illness. Just in time to watch tonight's episode, Installment 6 of the New Jersey Shoreside Diaries.  

1. "Toxic Shots Syndrome"

Snooki moves out in the rain. Her new rental house is fun-sized, such as herself, and Pauly deems it "perfect for a pregnant bitch!" "I know," beams Fun Size Snickers. "I wanna get knocked up," continues Pauly. It has a hangin-out porch, which Pauly calls "Snooki's POORCH," which is how I want to talk from now until the end of time. End of Act I.

There's some sort of medical injection that can "block opiates and alcohol and painkillers," so obviously MTV's insurance policy requires Situation to get one. Does this mean he's off roids now, too? The shot, which he has received in the buttocks, pains him so much he has trouble working his shift at the Shore Store. He storms out and Vinny follows close behind, ultrasensitive to the emotional volcano about to erupt within Situation's fragile psyche. Vinny is extremely perceptive when it comes to men's feelings.

Deena's freaking cute with this boyfriend of hers when she's not crying, but then again, her roommates give her such a hard time about missing him, I feel guilty mentioning it at all. She's so giddy when he's there. She wants to "cheat" at dinner - as in Weight Watchers "cheat." Who IS this kid!! I think her boyfriend looks like Guido Shawn Hatosy.

It is unfortunately uncute that Deena has left in a tampon for 30 hours and might have TSS, which she pronounces "toshic sock shindrome," but which MTV heard as "toxic shot syndrome." I leave it up to you. Deena calls her moms, who immediately insists she's "only putting herself through this" because that is how you do Guido Therapy. You blame the person for feeling unpleasant emotions for longer than 1 second.

Sammi Sweetheart embodies her nickname for once and offers to Meatball for lonely Deena. Ronnie hates it. He says that Sam must be misreading Deena's feelings and that one day soon Chris will dump her because "she's infatuated" with him. What a cool dude this Ron is turning out to be!

Snooki tells Jionni she'd die for him at Steaks Unlimited. When she asks if he'd die for her, he says yes and glances at the camera to make sure it heard, I guess. Thanks, Jionni, we've actually gotten enough footage for the day. Thanks though. Back at home he tosses a hacky sack onto her boobs and it stays. It's the first time I can see why they might be together.

Jwoww makes Situation sing "Rehab" by the late Amy Winehouse at karaoke. It's a risk, but without all those barbituates and hormones coursing through his veins, he takes it in stride. He sings, "they tried to make me go to rehab, I said yes yes yes." Ron says "he's actually Mike Sorrentino." It's starting to feel like good old-fashioned Jersey Shore right about now. Good show, Mike Sorrentino. That's the first time I've ever considered that you might be the heir to the Sorrentino Shredded Cheese fortune.

2. "Blues, Balls, and Brawls"

Kickin' it on Snooki's POORCH! Vinny still won't shake Jionni's hand or even look at him, "as a sign of respect" since he had sex with Snooki at some point in history. Then Vinny makes fun of how the other guys have secret handshakes with Jionni, and it's pretty funny. It might be the best thing Vinny ever does in his life. Josh thinks that if Jionni isn't present at the birth, Vinny will be declared the father. I agree.

Team MVP sees a flasher from the roof deck and go down to meet her. She gives Vinny and Pauly her number and intimates that she'd like to take them both on a date at the same time. "She's not DTF - she's DTA! Down For Anything!" shouts Pauly. Almost!

Jwoww plans a surprise party for Roger's birthday (Pauly D: "Looks like a POORTY!") and it's - as we could've guessed - a disaster. Roger shows up very late and immediately starts in with the "that must mean I don't love you ha-ha" with Jenni to properly curb her feelings. It's not enough to make Jenni "stop bitching him out," so he drags her away from the table to discipline her. Please don't use the belt again, Papa Roger!

Throughout the entire season, Snooki has been isolating herself from Deena. She's jealous of Deena's new slim figure (which only happened because Deena got the idea from Snooki last season) and she's jealous of Deena's new relationship (even though she has a fiance now). She's jealous that Chris took Deena to Rivoli's when she had to endure Steaks Unlimited yet again. She's just not interested in hanging out with Deena anymore. Which is killing Deena because who the hell is a meatball supposed to hang out with these days?

So Deena takes Snooki out dancing, and all the girls put in fake pregnant bellies to cheer her up. Then everyone (except Snooki) rides a mechanical bull! You'd think the Meatballs would have just reunited, but no. Weirdness remains.

At the Shore Store the next day, Mike tries to strike up a conversation with Snooki. She's feeling sick (so was Deena - meatball poison??) and, having no patience for any of this, tells Mike she doesn't want to be friends with him. "...FOREVER?!" Mike balks as his eyeballs bulge. Kickin it on Snooki's POORCH no more.

Roger sends Jenni 2 dozen pink roses plus 1 red one for Ron, I guess to remind her who's boss. Everyone speaks very openly about Jwoww's self-imposed celibacy with Roger ("The earlier we go out, the sooner we can come back and not have sex"). She's pulling a Jennifer Aniston, as my mother would say.

Deena might just be creepin' on Chris without realizing it. She and Bossman Danny are flirting HAY lot and maybe it's an issue of her not realizing what her weight loss has done to her attractiveness level. They flirt all the way from the Shore Store to a carnival game to a bar, where Danny looks awfully guilty when the rest of the gang shows up. Deena collects her large blue rubber ball afterwards. Everyone contributes to a blue ball word festival on the boardwalk, each one a swing and a miss.

Snooki wakes up from a "disco nap" (AWESOME) and decides not to go to Bamboo with her old roommates because a lot of fights seem to break out there every time they go. As soon as the gang arrives, some freakus named Paul comes up to Sitch and insists that they've hung out before. Another freakus named Ryan (who must be a friend of Roger's?) throws the stalker into a bouncer. For a second, everything's calm. THEN A MELEE BREAKS OUT.

3. "Merp Walk"

In this melee, Roger PUSHES JENNI ONTO THE FLOOR BY HER NECK. And thus begins the most shameful episode of Jersey Shore I've ever seen. Do I even have to write out the fact that I have seen every episode I don't think so.

Jenni had been trying to keep Roger away from some moron, so Roger threw her aside perhaps more violently than he meant to. Does it make a difference how hard he meant to throw her, though? Nope! Three years ago, when we first met Jwoww, it was her feistiness that drew us to her. And so she throws a drink in Roger's face, and we love her for it. Roger, however, marches pissily away to his boyfriend Ryan's house, leaving Jenni to chase him down. I'm sorry, does her neck already feel better enough to be barreling down the sidewalk like this?

Roger reminds Jenni NOT TO "GET INVOLVED WHEN BOYS ARE FIGHTING." Ryan whispers sweet nothings in Roger's ear to calm him down, and Jwoww and Deena start making excuses for him such as "he didn't recognize her." Deena admits later on that she's very conflicted because she loves relationships. "But I don't think a man should put a hand on a girl."

This is a confusing situation. Although Deena seems to understand this basic tenet of reasonable human relationships, the whole thing is suffocated by toxic guido reasoning. It's ok for Roger to shove Jenni away if his intention was to fight some guy. It's ok for Roger to shove Jenni away if she got involved in a boy-fight. It's ok for Roger to shove Jenni away if he didn't recognize that it was her. It's ok for Roger to shove Jenni away if the pain wasn't that long-lasting. What are all of these excuses? Why does Roger deserve them? He makes the most noise about being way too old for this, way too much of an adult to deal with this child's play. So why is he now getting a check-up call from Ronnie to see if he's ok?

Naturally, Jenni's ankle was broken somewhere in the brawl last night. I thought I saw her twist it while she was chasing Roger, but maybe it happened somewhere else. I'm so let down. Jenni was supposed to respect herself more than this. The best she can say is "I feel like he should on some level apologize."

Ronnie and Sammi have a helpful conversation in the car about why Roger was right. It is wrong for a woman to try to worm her way into a Guy Fight. Like, even though there's the urge to protect someone you care about, that's a one-way ticket to getting hit by your boyfriend's fist. "Look, I get it you want to protect me but dudes are stronger than you. Like, every dude."

Snooki takes Jenni to the doctor and they find out she has a navicular fracture, which means she'll be wearing a cast for the rest of the summer. Snooki is thrilled to have another "disabled" friend. Is pregnancy a disability? I guess you have to give up your seat, but nobody would ever say that, right? Jenni HATES her crutches.

The boys go to lunch and agree that Jenni's overplaying her injury and they bet she'll come home in a cast. "From a guy's point of view, y'know, she threw her drink on a man, y'know?" says Situation. Is this the return of Sloppy Sitch? And how did this turn into a trap where Jwoww is screwed if she gets a cast and screwed if she doesn't? The poor kid chipped a bone. The guys are treating it like she had her fingers crossed for a cast and crutches.

"Your name should be carton because you're always fucking milking this shit," opins Ronnie. Then Vinny gives the most unself-aware testimonial this show has ever seen: "Jenni's definitely being overdramatic about her injury. She's like, 'I'm only trying to punch him in his face to protect him so I don't think it was right for him to push me...and I don't know if I'm ever going to talk to that douchebag again.'" He says this with the most hateful face I've ever seen. How did he get to hate women this much? When did Jenni try to punch Roger's face? What is the threat they're responding to with all the panic-eyed peacocking?

Eventually everyone (including Snooki) goes out to a patio bar and Vinny's Uncle Nino shows up. He's the only person who feels that it might have been wrong for Roger to shove Jwoww's neck the way he done. Jwoww sits on his lap to reward him, I guess. This is what it's come to.

Jwoww makes her way into the club and starts cockblocking Situation's attempts to hit on girls. Roger's girlfriend Ryan is back, and he's making harsh cut-it-out hand motions to her like he's about to kill her. Then Ryan finds some dude who'd been offering Sitch drugs and reassures Mike that he will "fuck him up." Somebody write this guy a check because he's working overtime.

Mike walks home alone and calls Paula to come hang out. Deena comes home with the rest of the gang but does the opposite of Mike: she keeps drinking, stays awake, and goes looking for a friend who just isn't there. At the crack of dawn she's on the boardwalk looking for a bar (she'd stood in front of SamRon's room saying "Get up, Sam! I'm auditioning YOU to be a meatball!" but no one answered). Deena the Meatball has clearly studied at the Tyra Banks School of Branding.

Deena dances on a bar until sadness washes over her, and her Dutch or whatever companions go "Awwwww" one million times. "This is the end of an error," says Deena. You got that right. She tromps off to the Shore Store to find Danny, who sends a worker named Steve to chaperone her to a liquor store. Steve is NOT into this.

SamRon finally wake up and manage to walk right into the very bar & grille that Deena's currently patronizing. She dips out, weaving and singing in the road, stopping traffic...UNTIL two cops handcuff her and tell her she's arrested. End of Act III.

It breaks my heart to know that on this day in history, Jenni and Roger are engaged. This is one of the first times Jersey Shore has made me feel totally hopeless in a genuinely unfunny way. I hope tonight's episode beaks their relationship in half in a way that echoes forward to the future.

photos courtesy realityaired.com and thecinemasource.com and MTV.com

You Don't Own Me PSA

This has been making the internet rounds, so there's a great chance you've already seen it. If you haven't seen it yet, here you go. Lesley Gore is wonderful, women are wonderful, and policies that support women are not only wonderful but oddly somehow not already a necessity in this, my favorite country.

Here's the text that goes with the video on Vimeo's site:
Women constitute more than half of the population. In 2008, 60% of voters were women. It is estimated that 10 million more women than men will vote in this election. Despite this, women make up only 16% of Congress. Women earn only 70 cents to each dollar men make. Women of color and undocumented women make less than white citizens. Mitt Romney and the Republican Party are determined to overturn Roe V. Wade. Romney has not supported equal pay for women (The Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act). Romney has vowed to defund Planned Parenthood. Romney has vowed to repeal the Affordable Care Act. Romney doesn't want health care to cover birth control. Romney says same sex marriage should be banned with a Constitutional Amendment.
Women, let's rise up. Our vote alone can win this election. A vote for Obama is a vote for your health and your right to choose. It is a vote for equal pay and equal rights. A vote for Obama is a vote for our families. It is a vote to marry who you choose. It's a vote to start a family when you choose. A vote for Obama says that we won't stand for violence against women and that rape is rape. Our vote ensures that our daughters will grow up with the same rights that we've had. A vote for Obama sends a message: This war on women must end. We will not go backwards.
This election is shockingly close. Our safety is at stake. Our silence is consent and our vote is our voice. Let’s get active. Let’s get out every vote we can. Let’s make this election a mandate. A mandate to finally ensure women the respect, dignity and equality we all deserve! This is now. This is our call to action. Once and for all, let's take back the power that is so inherently and naturally ours!

23 October 2012

Walking Dead Recap: "Sick" & Tired (Of Being Sick & Tired)

Sunday night's episode of The Walking Dead was a strong second episode to its gargantuan season premiere. I just want to take a moment to say, Glen Mazzara, I think I love you?

We pick up right where the premiere left off: Rick and the gang protect Hershel & Hershel's leg from these new-found (living) prisoners. Both sides are like "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!" and I find it incredibly suspect that these guys haven't even been outside once in 10 months. It's awfully convenient that they have no idea what's going on and haven't encountered any zombies or tried to escape. "What do you suppose that growling noise x1000 is outside the door?" "Shet up and get back to waitin' patiently for our savior guards!" That seems accurate, sure.

(ALSO: Starlee Kine's recap at NY Mag is like "I mean, you’d think the fact that they survived all that time without killing each other would’ve indicated some level of civility among them, no?" I think it might indicate that they're GREAT AT HIDING BODIES THEY DONE KIL'T.)

Rick's BSometer goes off but not fast enough for him to put a finger on what's wrong with these dudes. He caps a lone zombie in the doorway and GTFO with Hershel, the gang, and Hershel's leg. CREDITS.

So it looks like Carol knows SOMETHING, finally, and might be able to help the now-doctorless group. She advises everyone to elevate Hershel's stump. Good old RICE, right Carol? Only she forgot Rest, Ice, and Compression. GOD CAROL.

"What about my moms? My kids? My old lady?" asks Big Tiny (or if it wasn't him, it might as well have been). It turns out Big Tiny was staying imprisoned to avoid further punishment. That completely gibes with everything that's been said so far, so Rick decides to spill the beans: "We're all infected," he exclaims! "'We' as in Rick's gang?" I would ask, if I were an inmate. But I'm not, so they're like "GREAT, SOUNDS GREAT."

Back at The Neverendingly Exciting World of Hershel's Chattin' 'n' Singin' Daughters, the younger one (Beth) chides the older one (Maggie) for not tearing all of Hershel's pants at the knee like she's doing. You should probably leave the pant leg on and just knot it, considering the limited clothing supplies and variable weather you'll be facing for the rest of your lives. That's what I would've said if I were Maggie. But I'm not, so she's like "Garsh."

Lori tries to use the new inmates as an excuse to reprise her non-role as Lady MacBeth: "Do whatever you gotta do to keep us safe...and do it with a clear conscience." I guess she realizes she wields literally no power at this point because she takes a page out of Maggie's book and starts hugging and kissing the possibly-dead (thus probably-zombified) Hershel. Glen Mazzara, you don't have to do this.

Rick, Daryl, and T-Dog explain to the inmates how the cell block raid will work - head shots, etc. They're like "I THINK I know how to fight a mutha" and then spend literally 10 minutes gut-punching like 2 zombies. "Perhaps the new guys will all die on their own!" I think, gleefully.

Carl comes up to Hershel's cell with infirmary supplies that he retrieved alone and is all NO BIG DEAL I KILLED 2 WALKERS. Lori's like "I appreciate that, but-" and Carl's like THEN GET OFF MY BACK and oh God I love you Carl. Wow, this kid did a 180 in my heart. I wish I WISH I could've seen Carl kill those zombies at the infirmary.

Big Tiny gets scratched by a zombie without a hand (it came off with its handcuffs mere seconds ago) so Latino Inmate takes it upon himself to kill his best friend of 10 months, even though he might not really have been infected. Goddamnit just when you get to know someone. Big Tiny was my favorite!!

Glenn helps Carol drag in a zombie corpse to practice child delivery on. Someone's looking at her from outside the prison. I bet it's a zombie.

Back at the cell block raid, Latino Inmate takes a swing at Rick in all the hubbub. Rick's like "I'm not a regular Rick, I'm a cool Rick. Remember what I did to those dudes at the bar last season?" And I'm like "I SURE DO!" and so he puts a machete in Latino Inmate's head because buddy, no good will come from keeping him alive. Unfortunately, Rick doesn't see the good in keeping that other dude alive, the one who runs for his life. I'm hearing reports that the kid tried to take a swing at Rick when Latino Inmate got it. It makes a difference because in one version Rick's still ok but in the other he's actually just performed his first unjustifiable manslaughter.

I can tell you one thing, though. A Rick who kills potential bad guys is much more entertaining than a Rick that sits on his thumbs talking to Lori for 10 hours.

It turns out Lori and Hershel's makeout sesh really did save his life, which is shitty and unrealistic. His eyes are open and they still seem sapphire (and human) blue, but my fingers are still crossed that next week his first words will be "larhrurhghghghghghghghg! CHOMP!"

Where were Andrea and Michonne this episode? They must have been gearing up for next week, when we'll apparently be watching them the whole time. Maybe Carl can run and catch up to them in time to make the episode. In Maggie's words, "GARSH!"

photos courtesy AMCtv.com

15 October 2012

Walking Dead Season 3 Premiere "Seed" Is AWESOME

The Walking Dead is back!!!!!!!!! It really snuck up on me, much like a lone zombie at my apartment on my staircase for all I know. I always think they'll get me on my staircase!!!

We pick up months after we left off at the end of Season 2, which is both a departure from the norm and a GREAT idea. The gang has been traveling from house to house all winter, and somehow none of them have died from exposure. I know what you're thinking: "Beck, I hate to break it to you, but it doesn't really snow much in Atlanta." Well guys, I hate to break it to you, but it gets SO COLD and SO ICY that I'm shocked they survived. And guess what, a ton of zombies are still on their tail from Hershel's farm disaster. Instead of wasting bullets, the gang practices silent and streamlined escapes. They are pros, and it is AMAZING how much better it is to watch characters actually be good at something.

Eventually Rick stumbles upon the prison that we glimpsed at the end of last season (Coweta County, maybe?), and he's like "Exxxxcellent. We shall take it tonight." Everyone's like "do you think we oughta?" but guess what, they definitely oughta. They cut a hole in the chain link fence, storm the outermost yard, and secure the first fence as well as the next fence in. Within 10 awesome minutes, they own the yard.

Carl helps a lot, by the way. Now that his hair's grown out, I guess he's finally turned into a reasonably helpful human being. He can shoot a gun, he can clear a house, and he hates Lori. Nice work my young friend. Your influence has even made Carol into a less miserable character. She crawls onto the RV to ask Daryl if he feels like "foolin' around." I don't mind this as much as I would have last season. Meanwhile Carol and Daryl have matching haircuts like Brad and Gwyneth c. 1996.

Up until now I've been writing from memory. The copious notes I took while watching last night's episode are now lost in cyberspace apparently, so I'll continue to write from memory. It just gets hazy at this point because all I can remember writing is "oh my god oh my god awesome oh my god awesome awesome awesome oh my god I can't believe this no no no oh my god." 

So Rick's team of tough dudes (himself, Glenn, Maggie, Hershel, Daryl, and T-Dog) enters the next yard in. It seems manageable enough - a walker here, a walker there - until Rick turns a corner and sees a SEA of zombies standing at the next fence, whose door is wide open. Why the zombies haven't spread out into this second yard yet is beyond me. I know how diffusion works. Anyways as Rick tries to tell the gang not to come see what he's seeing, they're suddenly attacked by a few zombies wearing riot gear. NO NO NO! I scream, until I realize that if their weapons were useless against the armor, then probably zombie teeth are similarly useless.

As Rick and Daryl rush over to close that second fence, Maggie figures out that she can stab the SWAT zombies up through their necks. A geek in a gas mask comes out and somebody removes the mask to kill it and ITS WHOLE FACE COMES OFF WITH THE MASK!!!!!!!!

I'm not sure how the gang deals with that sea of zombies. No wait I remember now - the second yard, now officially cleared, includes the entrance to Cell Block C. So they go in, see the corpse of a guard who killed himself when the going got tough, and find the first row of cells to clear. They kill the remaining prisoner-zombies and give them to T-Dog to dispose of. Mainly because he's unlucky. 

Rick pushes them further inward, which brings them into a crazy scary dark tunnel that Glenn keeps spray-painting arrows onto. But the spray paint can makes so much resounding noise I'm freaking out. Eventually the gang runs into the roving band of zombies that necessarily exist down there, and they get split up. When the mini-herd passes, Glenn and Maggie call out for Hershel, who shuffles right over in his scraggle-beard and farmer-moccasins. He walks on top of a walker who is somehow smart enough to play dead even though all this hubbub is going on. The walker goes "You ain't EVEN stepping on my foot right now" and bites Hershel's ankle. 

SO RICK DRAGS HERSHEL TO A ROOM AND HACKS HIS LEG OFF. It's the best idea, since Lori's about to give birth and Hershel's the only doctor, but it's also a terrible idea, since Rick's belt isn't a good enough tourniquet to keep the old man from bleeding out. Just as the leg comes off, Daryl spots 5 zombieish forms through a mesh window. BUT! THEY'RE! HUMANS!

Oh man, everybody! What a crazy episode! Yowza. Man that was crazy.

Here is what I liked/what felt like great new ideas:
  1. These people are finally good at existing in this universe. What a relief and what an awesome opportunity for finding out more about the rules of survival. 
  2. Carl and Rick have come to their senses and hate Lori now. And even Lori hates Lori! She wishes she'd died at the farm. Good consensus, everyone!
  3. There were nonstop waves of "oh shit oh no!" and "we totally just handled this" that kept me thrilled throughout the entire hour.
  4. We are BARRELING through the comic book plot!!!!!!!
  5. No Dale & No Shane Make Becky [something something]. Very happy. I didn't even think Dale needed to go, but I guess he was a goiter on the gang's neck that needed prompt removal. Or prompt radioactive iodine treatments.
  6. Daryl ate an owl.
Here is what was sort of lame:
  1. Rick, if Carl grabs a can of dogfood, it's probably because you are starving. Please don't splatter it against the fireplace. It will probably be like 1 minute before you're scraping that crap off the wall to eat it after all.
  2. Hershel is dumb about his family but it's not like this is inconsistent with his entire deal.
  3. Certain roommates thought that the singing was nice, but NOT ME.
  4. Not enough Michonne!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is what I predict for the rest of the season:
  1. More Michonne!!!!!!!!!
  2. Carol n Daryl do it, yikes, no thank you.
  3. Carl kisses Beth or whatever Hershel's youngest catatonic daughter's name is. Remember last season, when she was 10 years older than Carl? It's like Padme and Anakin all over again. Everyone in my apartment: "UPGRADE FROM SOPHIA!"
  4. The prison will be awesome and spooky and great.
  5. Daryl should eat another owl.

photos courtesy amctv.com

12 October 2012

NBC Hates Community AND You

The last time NBC fought this hard against one of its own shows, I had to work overtime to make sure I caught every precious Freaks & Geeks episode that hit air (sometimes Friday night, sometimes Saturday night, then not for a month, then Saturday afternoon...that business was nuts). I remember thinking, "Do they not want me to watch this amazing show they've gone to all the trouble to produce and present?" And the answer, surprisingly, was YES, STOP WATCHING. WE ARE NBC AND WE WANT TO TAKE AWAY SHOWS YOU LIKE. THIS WAY WE CAN GIVE YOU MORE HIGH-QUALITY PROGRAMMING SUCH AS OUTSOURCED.

Now they've moved Community's October 19th season premiere to TBD. Correction, they've moved the half-season premiere to TBD. "But Beck, wait a sec," you say. "Why would they do that?" The Hollywood Reporter says:
"Given the success we’ve had for the past four weeks -- including winning the first week of the season in adults 18-49 -- we’ve decided to continue to concentrate our promotional strength on our new NBC shows that are scheduled Monday through Wednesday and have therefore decided to hold Community and Whitney from their previously announced premieres of Oct. 19," NBC said in a statement. "Without having to launch these comedies on Friday at this time, we can keep our promotion focused on earlier in the week; plus, we will have both comedies in our back pocket if we need to make any schedule changes on those nights. When we have a better idea of viewing patterns in the next few weeks, we will announce new season premieres of Whitney and Community."
First things first, let's NOT start lumping Community together with Whitney. Let's quash that ungodly pairing here and now. Community is popular with internet-loving young adults whereas Whitney is popular with the CBS fans who are too stupid to realize they're two channels off. Community is smart and willing to bend the rules of the Sitcom Universe whereas Whitney relies on reinforcing dumb sitcom foibles with every line of chalky dialogue. And I may like Chris D'Elia, but I LOVE everyone on Community.

But besides that, what is this logic? NBC doesn't want any Friday programming? NBC doesn't want to just go ahead and commit to inserting Community into the slot that 30 Rock will be leaving at the end of its OWN half-season? NBC thinks its new shows are so much better than Community that just having Community nearby on the schedule would sully them somehow? If they're so confident in the new shows, what exactly do they think they'd take Community out of their back pocket for? I have a great idea! Shitcan Whitney and put Community ONTO TELEVISION.

photo courtesy NBC.com, who hates you.

10 October 2012

Jersey Shore: The Beginning Of The End: A 2-Hour Affair: Only 6 Days Late

"Got crazy, got wild. We partied in style. If you wanted to have fun, you should've done something crazy."

THIS IS IT. This is the last season of Jersey Shore. What will happen afterwards to my brain, to my heart? I'm guessing that by episode 12, it'll all have disintegrated.

Season 6 of Jersey Shore begins with a surprise, one which I'd originally misdiagnosed as brain damage. That's right, guys - The Situation has a pill problem. He's been to rehab and back, and I for one like this new Sober Mike. He doesn't break as many things.

Soon after, Snooki makes her first appearance stumbling over the doorway at her mother's house in platform booties and then making a joke about "miscarriaging." Folks I don't know if I've said this before, but you honestly cannot write this. For a writer to have written this would be disrespectful to the actors, to the production staff, and to the entire world. So distasteful. How could they? For Snooki to have come up with it is PURE GOLD. She TRIPPED because she wears IRRESPONSIBLE SHOES for a PREGNANT WOMAN to wear and then she JOKED about "MISCARRIAGING."

Fast forward to people arriving at the Shore house, where Sober Mike cooks dinner for the gang. When Sammi walks in and sees Mike's spread, Deena tells her that he seems to have actually improved. Sammi makes this face of semi-approval:

Ron and Sam get their own room this season, and Ron exclaims "now we can fight in peace, Sam! That's awesome!" He also explains that he was "pretty bad at" hurting Sammi's feelings in the past, which is correct but untrue. Or true but incorrect. And speaking of great couples, good news! Jwoww's still with Roger! Now Jwoww and Pauly D won't end up together and all my dreams are dashed to pieces!!!!

Perhaps inspired by Snooki's weight loss last season, Deena has dropped some weight of her own.
She looks great, but she also brings it up a LOT. "Usually [Mike] says I look fat (chuckle)" and something about getting into the hot tub before she "gets fat." She has a super nice boyfriend named Chris, though. Good for her.

Everyone who walks into the Shore house says that it stinks. They escape to the roof of the Shore Store to chat about life and pregnancy and rehab in the fresh Seaside air, but Jwoww's not convinced that Mike is capable of change. "Play ball until proven wrong," she says, which is pretty close.

After a twilight visit to Bossman Danny at the Shore Store, the gang turns in for an early night. That's right, they all. go. to sleep. Their first season selves would be disgusted and amazed. I don't understand if this is a joke, or?

The next morning, Snooki envies everyone else's GTL. She can't work out that hard, and she sits in the lonely tanning salon lobby, swinging her tiny legs and looking at tchotchkes for sale. Later on at home, she counts out the 5s on her clock until she gets to 7:40. I don't even know why they have analog clocks at this house. Work is for the Shore Store, dummies.

The first fake drama happens when Jionni comes by the house and Vinny neglects to say hi. None of this has anything to do with anything, in case you've forgotten. Maybe season 3? Jionni takes Snooki out to dinner instead of out clubbing, where everyone else is going. Deena is in a VERY BODYCON dress, and everyone notices. "Don't disrespect Chris," she says to Mike. "My bad, Chris, who I've never met," he oozes back.

Snooki can't contain herself at the restaurant. She wants to dance and drink and basically just GET CRAZY. But she can't! "Don't you think it's trashy to see a pregnant woman in a club?" she asks Jionni very earnestly. "I don't want to be that pregnant girl in the club, I really don't." Oh yeah, that pregnant girl. Boy does that girl always look dumb to me when I'm out clubbing! Snooksy BORED.

Vinny notes that he's smashed every girl at Karma. Remember when he was sometimes a baby turd back at the beginning of this whole series? He's grown up into a huge, stinky adult turd and now he's a monster too.

Ronnie is also still a turd, and he yells at Sam for ten hours because she didn't eat enough before going out. It sounds like Fake Drama, but it is Real Drama. Ronnie is a mean drunk. "I don't need to be with you if you don't talk to me," he says. "I have a million girls that can do what you do." Pauly sees the fight and declares it the official start to summer. Sober Mike sees the fight and reflects on how drinking makes ya dumb.

At some point Vinny pulls Deena's boyfriend Chris aside to have an in-depth discussion about Italian furniture. Deena thinks he's teasing Chris, so Vinny swears on his mother's life that he's not. She waves it off, which allows Vinny to get VERY offended. You CANNOT disrespect a guido's sworn oath on his mother. Even Chris is like "Deena, he apologized. He swore on his mother." But then he thanks her for "protecting me. I love you for that." Man, Chris is great. Chris: "Let's go eat."

"Don't be a spoiled brat," says Vinny, who just last season had to leave the house because of anxiety. My roommate Zach noticed that. 'Cause remember? When he was so overwhelmed by feelings that he had to escape? It's good that he's regained enough composure to shame others for their feelings. Later on he makes fun of Sammi for asking a cooking question, and when she calls him on it, he's like "I also promote joking, [bitch]." His face says that last part.

Back at home Ronnie kicks things off with an old fashioned bed prank (he falls down the stairs holding a blanket). Mike finds out his girl is on her period, so he states Rule #667: "You cannot have sex with a girl who is on her period, unless it's your girlfriend, and unless it's your girlfriend for a minute." I don't get it. For a lot or a little? At any rate, Pauly sends his girl home, too, because he always does. Again I don't get it.

The next day Snooki asks Danny if she can move to a different apartment. Why yes, she can move to the house right next door. Then I think they say they love each other? Meanwhile Deena and Jwoww discuss the definition of "integrity" with some bartender. What is this, book club? I did NOT sign up for this!!!

In the middle of a frank discussion about virginity loss at dinner, Snooki announces her upcoming departure from the house. The shot goes from her laughing to her taking a breath to her breaking the news within 4 seconds. Everyone's sad, but luckily Vinny takes them all into the living room and teaches them the improv game, "Pass the Object." Cool choice!


Then it's the end. Our VIP preview to the velvet-rope rest of the season showcases Deena crying, Mike doing karaoke, and a very sad Deena resisting arrest. What else will this season bring? I'm guessing Snooki asks Jwoww to be Lorenzo's godmother. I'm guessing Vinny falls in love with some awful girl. I'm guessing Mike takes a drink? Oy, that's not a nice thing to write. But I would watch that x1000.

fake dramz --> reality tv
real dramz --> gripping tv


all screenshots courtesy of MTV.com

04 October 2012

New Webisodes of Walking Dead: COLD STORAGE

Season Three of Walking Dead is almost here, which means another string of pre-season webisodes are here at last! Last year's top-half-of-a-lady zombie origin story was amazing. I'm not sure I feel the same way about this year's "Cold Storage." Watch the 4 installments below at AMCtv.com and tell me what you think and why! I'll put what I think below the videos links so as not to spoil your viewing.

Wow what a wiener bad guy, right? And kind of a wiener good guy. And such a dark place to go with the lady tied up on the bed. It sounded like she was the bad guy's coworker crush. Yikes. Zombies are so dumb, you guys. You can outsmart them by banging at padlocks a lot until the last possible second. Good luck siphoning a ton of gasoline jerks! HI ATLANTAAAA!!!!!!!!

videos courtesy of amctv.com

02 October 2012

Schwarzenegger Sports A Cool Skull Ring

Hey everybody, LOOK:

I guess my phone warped his head and arms because they're certainly not the INTENSE SKULL RING I took this picture for. It's from Schwarzenegger's appearance on The Daily Show yesterday (10/1).


 photos courtesy thedailyshow.com