31 December 2014

Cupcaker's Revenge...AGAIN!!!

HA HA CAN YOU BELIEVE WE'RE BACK HERE AGAIN ALREADY?? It's 2014, but not for long! Soon we will greet the twin flaming tire marks of the future, and we will go back there (II), and the pizza will hydrate at level 4 for 365 full days. I wonder if anyone else will talk about Back to the Future this year. Probably not?

Have you guys heard of this car I have? He's a sleek midnight black Toyota Camry from the mid/late 90s and let me tell you - he's a real winner. His name is Gabe Kotter, and he's THE BEST CAR OF 2014, AS WELL AS ALL TIME.

Have you guys heard of this nephew I have? He's a sleek pinkish-cheeks little boy from early/mid 2014 and let me tell you - he's the best boy in the universe. Best Nephew of 2014: JOJO ABRAMS, OF COURSE!

Have you guys heard of this audiobook I recorded for Audible? My performance is humiliating but it's ME, BABY. The Best Audiobook of 2014 is Savannah Scarlett by Becky Lee Weyrich, narrated by Becky Abrams! Please download it for free and make me a savannah starlet! No?

Oops, the tv is showing me a list of all the celebrities who died this year. Ooops oops oops haha I can't handle this ha ha stop STOP NOW

Anyways I just wanted to join the ranks of every unsatisfied internet user and let 2014 know that it sucked a lot. Institutionalized racism, sony hacks, an empty space where Joan Rivers used to be, I broke my first bone, I had a (hopefully singular) dance with a particular type of devil bug, my past employers were very silly, and my ex-boyfriend's face keeps popping up on a national Sprint commercial, which I'd celebrate if it hadn't prompted him and his new girlfriend to declare 2014 the best year of his life. So go ahead and Fuck Yourself, 2014. Still though, JoJo's lil face could probably override at least 85% of that.

Congratulations as always, Becklectic, for you have yet again achieved the honor of Best Best of 2014 List of 2014. May you wear your crown wisely and HYDRATE LEVEL 4 PLZZZZ!

25 March 2014

Why I Abruptly Stopped Recapping The Walking Dead

Friends, I broke a finger. Additionally, I've been doing more comedy lately! But most importantly, I realized that it's much, much more enjoyable to watch Walking Dead without constantly jotting down "what?" and "this makes no sense where did he who is that WHAT WHY THO why."

10 February 2014

Walking Dead Recap: "After" Carl Demolished 112 Ounces Of Chocolate Pudding

The last time we saw the Zombiepocalypse, all hell had broken loose at the prison. The stupid Governor ruined all the fences and guard towers just before he chopped Hershel's head right off. The gang separated and sprinted off in different directions, possibly never to converge again. It was a lot like the time zombies overran Hershel's farm, only this time we hear Rick's broken-ribbed breathing as a soft, zombie-like underscore throughout the episode. Will the gang ever be together again? Or is everyone doomed to take shelter in a billion more Woodbury-type ghost towns? Will Rick talk like this forever?

24 January 2014

What Probably Happened On American Horror Story

After watching last week's Amhorst Coven and missing this week's, all I can say is I have a VERY excellent grasp of what's going on with the show:

A) We're all DYING to know who the next Supreme is (NOT), but the show hasn't brought us any closer to figuring out who she'll be. The search for the next Supreme seems to be the main thrust of the end of the season, but all I can make out lately is a hugely clogged toilet bowl with a Stevie Nicks shawl floating on top. In a world where dead people spring back up a week later, there's no real process of elimination. So we're still at square one, and all five options for Supreme (Zoe, Queenie, Nan, Emma Roberts, and Swampie Nicks) are still a possibility, even though I guess Nan is the only permanently dead one now. Oh wait, plus Headmistress Cordelia? So still five?

09 January 2014

American Horror Story Recap: "The Magical Delights of Stevie Nicks" & The Magical Bullshit I Just Went Through

Hi - don't freak out. It's me, Papa Legba. You might know me as Voodoo Satan, but I try not to go by that since it's so...I don't know, severe? Sure, I'm devilish, but c'mon. Look at me! You think every red-eyed person is evil? Go to an albino convention and see how far that opinion gets you. Do I demand a fresh, innocent baby soul every year? Yeah, ok, you got me there. But who DOESN'T? I live in a world between worlds - not quite human, not quite god - and the currency here happens to be innocent baby souls. And I happen to use them. Tell me you wouldn't do the same thing if you were me. You'd really just sit around, never even considering taking one baby soul? Oh ok, SURE.

08 January 2014

A Phone Call For Keith Urban

A Phone Call For Keith Urban

Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman entered their country-chic cottage in the Hollywood Hills, trailing laughter and late-afternoon sunlight behind them as they walked through the door.

"I think I'll make that salad we were talking about," said Nicole in a thick Australian accent as she made for the kitchen. "Y'know, the one with the walnuts?"