American Horror Story Recap: WHAT IS THIS, KNOTTY PINE???????

What Probably Happened On American Horror Story

After watching last week's Amhorst Coven and missing this week's, all I can say is I have a VERY excellent grasp of what's going on with the show:

A) We're all DYING to know who the next Supreme is (NOT), but the show hasn't brought us any closer to figuring out who she'll be. The search for the next Supreme seems to be the main thrust of the end of the season, but all I can make out lately is a hugely clogged toilet bowl with a Stevie Nicks shawl floating on top. In a world where dead people spring back up a week later, there's no real process of elimination. So we're still at square one, and all five options for Supreme (Zoe, Queenie, Nan, Emma Roberts, and Swampie Nicks) are still a possibility, even though I guess Nan is the only permanently dead one now. Oh wait, plus Headmistress Cordelia? So still five?

American Horror Story Recap: "The Magical Delights of Stevie Nicks" & The Magical Bullshit I Just Went Through

Hi - don't freak out. It's me, Papa Legba. You might know me as Voodoo Satan, but I try not to go by that since it's so...I don't know, severe? Sure, I'm devilish, but c'mon. Look at me! You think every red-eyed person is evil? Go to an albino convention and see how far that opinion gets you. Do I demand a fresh, innocent baby soul every year? Yeah, ok, you got me there. But who DOESN'T? I live in a world between worlds - not quite human, not quite god - and the currency here happens to be innocent baby souls. And I happen to use them. Tell me you wouldn't do the same thing if you were me. You'd really just sit around, never even considering taking one baby soul? Oh ok, SURE.

A List Of Thoughts On "The Sacred Taking" and "Head"

1. PATTI

2. LU

3. PONE?

4. GAVE HER SON A HOT-WATER-BOTTLE ENEMA AND THEN MERCY KILLED HIM TO AVOID GUILT FEELINGS ABOUT HOW SHE STUFFED A FATAL AMOUNT OF BEES INTO HER CHEATING HUSBAND'S CAR?

American Horror Story Recap: You Haven't Lived Until You've Had A Threeway With "The Dead"

Last night's episode of Amhorst: Coven drove home the real point of the entire show: if you aren't having sex with dead people, you're seriously missing out. They can be ghosts, they can be reanimated bodies, look, WHATEVER, JUST HAVE SEX WITH THEM, YOU IDIOT! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE MISSING!!!!!! SPHINCTER CONTROL IS OVERRATED!

American Horror Story Musings: "The Axeman Cometh"

In lieu of a recap, this week's shrine to Amhorst will be a hard-to-read stream of consciousness written while listening to Fleetwood Mac's Rumours:

Grace Gummer is a 1919 witch at the academy and the Axeman gets stabbed by billions of girls just like Julius Caesar. He deserves it but now it's like, what is he, a season 1 ghost? Can he hurt people or is he just a phantasm? Also the Axeman is such a stupid name for a murderer, but I guess you can't fault the nineteen-teens for coming up with stupid names. They did name the Titanic and the Great War and Woodrow Wilson. I feel like I went to high school with a kid named Woodrow?

American Horror Story Recap: "Burn, Witch. Burn!"

Last night's episode of Amhorst was one huge fever dream. LaLaurie reminisced about the days when she would fill a bowl with real eyeballs and trick boys into thinking they were just peeled grapes. Fiona wandered the halls of that hospital from Walking Dead, looking for pills and stillborn babies to bring back to life. And somebody gave Zoe a chainsaw. I don't know what I'm looking at anymore.

American Horror Story Recap: "Fearful Pranks Ensue" AKA Halloween, Part 1

Happy Halloween! I have great news: somebody in the Amhorst casting department likes us, because as of last night, Leslie Jordan entered the show!! He's part of the ominous Council, and he's as petite and addled as ever. WELCOME BACK TO TELEVISION, BEVERLEY LESLIE! WE HAVE SORELY MISSED YOU!!!

American Horror Story Coven Recap: "The Replacements" (Not Keanu Reeves)

Coven is different from Murder House & Asylum by virtue of its interest in providing answers to the INSANE questions Amhorst loves to present. While Murder House made us wonder who the hell certain ghosts were, why they could have sex with and kill people, and what made that house so darn silly, Asylum threw even more questions at us without ever answering them (WHY ALIENS WHY ALIENS WHY ALIENS?). But Coven was more than happy, at least at the beginning, to explain everything right away. Why did Zoe's vagina kill that guy? Because she's a witch and witches have particular powers and this is her particular power. Who is the mysterious, all-powerful Supreme of the generation? It's Jessica Lange. But now things have changed. Now nothing makes sense. But not because they've stopped answering questions.

The denizens of Coven's New Orleans are complete psychos. They have no reason for doing anything they've ever done. Patti LuPone, God love her, barely reacts when her curtains catch fire - she just glares at Emma Roberts like she insulted her church dress. And Kyle Monster's child molester mom? In the immortal words of Jeannie Darcy, don't EVEN get me started.

Amhorst Coven: "Boy Parts" & Toy Farts & Ploy Tarts

Time Warner Cable had a little trouble getting through last night's American Horror Story, so today I can only recap the portion of the episode I was actually able to see/hear/understand. 30% ain't bad! GETCHA SOME!

The Bayou?, not sure when: I guess Misty Day made it out alive from being burned at the stake, but my cable cut out so much of this part that all I caught is that she's in love with alligators now?

Ladies Dormitory, early morning: Emma Roberts plans to freak out Old Lady Cordelia by showing her bra, and Kathy Bates is hogtied and gagged in Jessica Lange's room. So in other words, it's a completely normal morning at Miss Robichaux's.

American Horror Story: Coven "Bitchcraft" YES, IT'S HAPPENING

This recap is rated TVMA LSV because the Language is physically abusive, the Sexuality is annoyingly loquacious, and the Violence is VERY, VERY SEXAYYYYYYYYY!

Dear American Horror Story,

Welcome back into my waiting arms, sweet prince! Since 2011, you've brought me a brand new horrible freakshow every fall, and for that I've pledged you my undying affection. It doesn't matter that last season spun out into a three-way alien marriage toilet flush! It doesn't matter that Dylan McDermott's oversexed haunches still plague my nightmares!! What matters is you've come back to me, flinging Jessica Lange's beauty at my eyeballs like a relief-pitching banshee. What do you have in store for us this season? I already know about the teen witches. And I'm VERY excited.

I'm willing to wait and see, my darling. Until then, I remain