2 Broke Girls: A Spec Script

INT. BROOKLYN HIPSTER DINER - AFTERNOON
Racist Over-sexed Greek Cook dings the "order up" bell at the window. Kat Dennings is pissed.

KAT DENNINGS

(deadpan)

I said NEVER to ding that bell at me again or I'll have your ass deported.

 (cue laugh track)

ROGC

I'll re-port your ass if mean we haff sex now!! chaaa chaaaaa!

(cue laugh track)

Big Bang Theory: A Spec Script

"BIG BANG THEORY" INT. NERD APARTMENT - EVENING
Sheldon sits on the couch, figuring out a math formula on an imaginary chalkboard in front of him.
(cue laugh track)
He "erases" some of his work furiously and "rewrites" something that makes him smile in satisfaction. (cue laugh track) Glasses Guy walks in through the front door.
GLASSES GUY Hey, uhhhh Sheldon? There's nothing in front of you!
(cue laugh track)
SHELDON I WOULDN'T EXPECT A HUMAN TO SEE IT
(cue laugh track)
SMASH TO END CREDITS.

Happy Mothers Day Almost!

The Becky Anne Geddes Series

Make Your Own Maxine Wallpaper!

Are you like me? Did you spend your childhood days getting dragged to the Hallmark Store by your mother? Do you see a blank wall and wish there was wallpaper there? Did you go to K-Mart just after New Years and spend your fun money for the week on a Maxine page-a-day calendar? Great news: you can make wallpaper out of it!

As you can see here, I've been saving each hilarious Maxine cartoon since January 1st and taping it to the wall in my office. Once that space filled up, I moved it over to another wall:

What's great about this type of wallpaper is that when the wind picks up, you get nice movement through the pages. 

Lately I've been drawing on some of the cartoons with a red colored pencil. I regret it now. Here are a few pages I've selected to show how hilarious Maxine is. She's a real crab apple. And she stopped smoking!

 

 

Here is one that's not funny on purpose but very funny because of the applause sign and kerchief and hand puppet:

Congratulations, now you can have the best of the best just like me! Maxine on every wall, embodying life and love. Every single day of 2013.
 

She tells it like it is, dipsticks.

You Don't Own Me PSA

"You Don't Own Me" PSA from You Don't Own Me on Vimeo.

This has been making the internet rounds, so there's a great chance you've already seen it. If you haven't seen it yet, here you go. Lesley Gore is wonderful, women are wonderful, and policies that support women are not only wonderful but oddly somehow not already a necessity in this, my favorite country.

Here's the text that goes with the video on Vimeo's site:

Women constitute more than half of the population. In 2008, 60% of voters were women. It is estimated that 10 million more women than men will vote in this election. Despite this, women make up only 16% of Congress. Women earn only 70 cents to each dollar men make. Women of color and undocumented women make less than white citizens. Mitt Romney and the Republican Party are determined to overturn Roe V. Wade. Romney has not supported equal pay for women (The Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act). Romney has vowed to defund Planned Parenthood. Romney has vowed to repeal the Affordable Care Act. Romney doesn't want health care to cover birth control. Romney says same sex marriage should be banned with a Constitutional Amendment.

Women, let's rise up. Our vote alone can win this election. A vote for Obama is a vote for your health and your right to choose. It is a vote for equal pay and equal rights. A vote for Obama is a vote for our families. It is a vote to marry who you choose. It's a vote to start a family when you choose. A vote for Obama says that we won't stand for violence against women and that rape is rape. Our vote ensures that our daughters will grow up with the same rights that we've had. A vote for Obama sends a message: This war on women must end. We will not go backwards.

This election is shockingly close. Our safety is at stake. Our silence is consent and our vote is our voice. Let’s get active. Let’s get out every vote we can. Let’s make this election a mandate. A mandate to finally ensure women the respect, dignity and equality we all deserve! This is now. This is our call to action. Once and for all, let's take back the power that is so inherently and naturally ours!

The Miniature Lodge I've Been Working On

THE MINIATURE LODGE

A few months ago I purchased some coffee stirrers that were too weak to actually stir coffee. But they looked like miniature 2x4s, so I decided to glue some together to make a small floor, much like this:

Once I made a big floor, I painted half of it red and realized I should make some red stairs to go with it (just in case it became a house). I also built some furniture with the coffee stirrers, including a couch, coffee table, and grand piano:

Here's a better angle of the grand piano (it's hard to see the pedals but they're there):

I used a playing card to make a rug for it. First I fringed the edges and then I painted the edges with white-out.

I printed out a bear skin rug but it looked stupid, so I used that as a model to make another one out of felt. I also made a chimney by stacking one million bits of stirrers. I then took a miniature ax to split a few of them to make a stack of firewood next to it. At this point the lodge looked like this:

 Complete with dining room platform (and enough Deacon's benches to poke your eye out):

At that point I realized the stairs led up to nothing, so I rigged a little loft above the piano area. I also carved a potted plant out of a piece of crayon and painted it. That was tough.

I built a bed for the loft and then filled in the bedroom with more furniture (dresser, nightstand, tv and stand):

The pillows are toothpicks I cut and painted white. The bedspread is cut from the same fat quarter I used to make the throw for the couch (so's the lampshade).

It was at this point I realized that I couldn't build a house without a bathroom in good conscience. So I built two walls to close off the bedroom and to make room for a bathroom.

 I also made one of those little rug-around-your-toilet rugs out of felt:

At that point the lodge looked like this (I added a loveseat):

So I painted the chimney and mounted a trophy trout to it. I don't know what a trout looks like:

Here's another view that isn't completely color-warped to show the stupid fish (but it's farther away):

I forgot to mention that I used nail polish to paint the couch and loveseat so they'd look more like shiny leather.

I think I'm finished adding things to the lodge because the last thing I want to do is clutter it. Granted, it still needs a kitchen. I tried to plan a way to stick one underneath the stairs, but give me a break. They can do cookouts or something. It's a lodge.

 

I assume the lodge should eventually be transplanted to a park so it can be closer to the trees and lakes. Which I would make out of twigs and puddles if it were up to me. But it's not. It's up to Nature now.

How I Plan To Support The US Olympic Team

(by painting my nails like this)

Fake Celebrity Couple: Crispin Glover & Fairuza Balk

This afternoon I did some serious thinking before I paired up Fantasy Lifemates Crispin Glover & Fairuza Balk. Then I googled their names together and found that THEY MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY DATED. WHATTTTTTTTT

     

In 2005, Crispin "Hellion" Glover put together a movie called What Is It? which seems to follow a young man who loves snails. Fairuza "Scallion" Balk voices a snail. Most of the principle actors have Down's Syndrome. Crisssspinnnnnnn!

Then, about a year ago, Fairuza tweeted this about Old Hellion:

So I guess they're already dating or something. But whatever, wouldn't they make such a great fake celebrity couple anyway??????????? WEIRDOS IN LOVE!!!!!!!!!

Crisssssspinnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Celebrity Couples I'd Like To See

According to US Magazine, Jason Segel and Michelle Williams might be dating. This is a wonderful pairing, and it has sent me on a spectacular fantasy-journey of other celebrity couples I'd like to see:

Celebrity Couples I'd Like To See

James Franco and Mindy Kaling

Mindy Kaling is hilarious. And although she'd only admit it jokingly, I bet she has a mad crush on James Franco. If I were a betting man, I'd say Franco is about to have a crush on her too, as soon as he reads this blog post. James, she's great, read her book, trust me. The boy loves books and learning.

Chris O'Dowd and Kristen Wiig

I just read that Bridesmaids star Chris O'Dowd is currently engaged. Congratulations in this reality, dude, but also congratulations in THIS reality, where you just married your co-star, Kristen Wiig! You two are truly a match made in my fantasy world!

Mila Kunis and Seth Rogen

Mila just ended a very long relationship with Macaulay Culkin, and it seems like she could use some cheering up. Seeing as her Forgetting Sarah Marshall costar Jason Segel is ostensibly taken, it may as well fall to Seth. I assume Mila Kunis harbors some sort of teddy bear romantic fetish, and Seth's beard looks very warm.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West

Just get it over with, already. It should have happened by now. I need to see just how opulent and luxurious this wedding can get. Just get it over with!!! JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!

Jake Gyllenhaal and Zooey Deschanel

Apparently these two have already been in a movie together (Jennifer Aniston classic, The Good Girl). Ah yes, I recall watching ten minutes of it on Oxygen one fine Saturday morning. Doesn't it seem like these two would make one of those pairs that are like, "Ohhh, duhhhh!" Obviously. Jake + Zooey = ohhhh, duhhhhh! 

 Scarlett Johansson and Lindsay Lohan

Ladies, stop pretending. Just go for it.

To all the potential celebrity couples out there, it's time to do this. Organize a mixer, start an email chain, whatever it takes. And when you're ready, I will happily officiate your sextuple wedding!

Images linked to sources.

Field Trip Bus Rides Of Yore: Shelley Duvall's Tall Tales & Legends

Every so often I use Shelley Duvall's Tall Tales & Legends in conversation, and to this day, very few people have ever known what I'm talking about:

Me: Oh man, you know what I'd love to watch right now? One of those Shelley Duvall videos with Calamity Jane or Annie Oakley.
Person I'm Talking To: ...The Shining?
Me: No no, those ones where she'd flop down into a huge easy chair on this saloon soundstage. And she'd tell a story from the Old West.
Person: ...Kubrick?
Me: No, we'd watch these ones on the longer bus rides to field trips back in elementary school. They were on VHS.
Person: Wow, that's really cool of your teachers. They would've never shown us Kubrick.
Me: Clearly, this needs blogging about.
fin

Although there is very little information about this series on the internet, I have managed to dig most of it up. Shelley Duvall's Tall Tales & Legends ran from 1985-1987 on Showtime. She created and produced it, which automatically increases my respect for Shelley freaking Duvall by about 100%. This series was my first introduction to many American tall tales, which then must have fermented into some sort of interest in American Studies, which then must have been why I majored in it. Oops, I majored in Shelley Duvall. Too late now!

Here are the tales covered by the series:

1. Annie Oakley
2. Casey at the Bat
3. Darlin' Clementine
4. Davy Crockett
5. John Henry
6. Johnny Appleseed
7. The Legend of Sleepy Hollow
8. Pecos Bill
9. Ponce de Leon

And here are the actors who play them:

1. Annie Oakley: Jamie Lee Curtis
2. Buffalo Bill Cody: Brian Dennehy
3. Casey (at the bat): Elliott Gould
4. Casey's girlfriend: Carol Kane
5. Clementine: Shelley Duvall, herself
6. Clementine's father: Ed Asner
7. Misc. Characters: Michael McKean
8. John Henry: Danny Glover
9. Johnny Appleseed: Martin Short
10. Jenny Smith: Molly Ringwald
11. Ichabod Crane: Ed Begley, Jr.
12. Katrina Van Tassel: Beverly D'Angelo
13. Pecos Bill: Steve Guttenberg
14. Slew Foot Sue: Rebecca De Mornay
15. Side characters: Martin Mull & Megan Mullaly (!!!!!!!1987MeganMullaly???!!!!!!)
16. Ponce de Leon: Michael York

Please awaken this part of your memory so we can TALK ALL ABOUT IT!

Additionally, I have just purchased the complete series on dvd from Amazon. Let me know when you're free and we'll watch it.

all photos courtesy TallTalesAndLegends.com