How I Plan To Support The US Olympic Team

(by painting my nails like this)

A Tardy Account Of Aging Models, Made Over

MAKEOVER MAKEOVER! MAKEOVER MAKEOVER! Welcome to ANTM's Makeover Episode, ie The Most Important Day of the Fashion Year. Everything else comes to a complete stop on Makeover Day - Wintour makes the office take an hour of silence, Lagerfeld sits in a bath all day, and any home ec student caught mending an apron is thrown off the FIT building onto one of those button statues. It's a terribly big day, and on ANTM: All Stars, Makeover Day terrorizes itself to a new level.

First things first, some Dutch guy walks into the house just as All the Stars are playing dress-up for whatever sad reason. He gives each model a one-word description to form a brand around and he also singlehandedly destroys the LGBT movement by belittling Kayla's main thing. Bianca's word is "candid," which she defines as now having free reign to start shit with everyone, all day, forever. Oddly it's Bre who finally puts everything into perspective: your fans need to know how to follow you, so it's useful to be able to clarify your whole deal down to one word. What can we say, 6 years of simple aging have done wonders for the kid.

At the salon, Sheena blatantly refuses to let them touch her hair. Apparently last time they burned the hair off her scalp and it took years to get it back together again. Lisa has a small, faked break-down, and then Bre has a larger but still faked break-down. We hear her voiceover from the bathroom explaining "I was upset when they wanted to cut my hair...now I'm at rage!" It looks like the models all figured out that the best way to spend Makeover Day is to be upset without being THE MOST UPSET. This self-regulation makes the salon less enjoyable.

The girls go straight from the Makeover Chair to Posin' With Hot Dogs in the Corner. What the hell is this photoshoot? Did you see me, Daddy, eatin' a hot dog? Why are they making Sheena pose with a weener in her mouth? Why are they making Isis?! WHY WOULD THEY MAKE KAYLA?! All of the hot dog stuff is shameful and sad, and it made a single hot tear run down my red cheek onto my very own hot dog with which I, too, was posing provocatively. Hi, it's me, a model, trying to convey a one-word identity while keeping a hot dog shoved halfway into my mouth.

Obviously Isis ends up with the roughest picture of all time, with a hand over the penis that no longer exists and a mouth sucking on that sausage like there's no tomorrow. Somehow Angelea gets a great picture. But in the end, Tyra declares Lisa the winner. She is showing us her mouthful of food, after all. That's how you win Makeover Day.

Sheena ultimately loses Makeover Day, probably because she wouldn't let them touch her hair, but more likely because she's the 2nd-partiest of the girls after Brittany. With this logic Lisa should be eliminated next week, but I have a strange feeling they'll be getting rid of Kayla. Just so long as Laura stays, it's fine with me. KEEP LAURA ALIVE!

all photos courtesy cwtv.com

HOT DOG PICTURES!

   

ANTM Recap "Alek Wek" Episode 2, Cycle 16

It's the bees episode.

Last night's ANTM had the girls posing with beads. Beads?! No, bees! Yes, bees. But not before the mandatory make-yourself-cry-in-a-fake-acting-class challenge. Remember when it used to be led by Tyra's Gayle all the time? I mean Tyra's best friend, Tasha Smith, who acts in a lot of Tyler Perry films these days. This time it was led by Eugene Buica, who made the girls draw their harsh inner critic and then voiced the inner critics as each girl confronted hers. "I hate myself because I have a baby face and a baby voice!" "Well, yes you really do. Sucks." (Then Baby Voice starts crying.) Here was Olivia Munn/Monique's biggest self-critique: "Sometimes when I'm PMSing I feel fat."

I forgot! Before the acting challenge, Tyra came into the girls' apartment - which was somehow already a "disaster zone" even though they've only lived there for at most three days - to teach them about nutrition. She and her personal nutritionist, Heather Bauer, introduced the idea of "Cheaties," which are foods that aren't as bad for you as you'd think. But instead of showing tips that no one has seen before, such as whipping yogurt or something, they did that lame magazine filler thing where you show two options and say "Guess which one's healthier!" but it's always the one that seems less healthy. So those should actually just be called "Better Choicies."

Before the photoshoot, we learned that Ondrei had two brothers that died. Olivia Munn/Monique felt that it was stupid for Ondrei to try to compete because "if [she] had any siblings die, [she]'d know better than to try to be America's Next Top Model." Excellent logic as always, Olivia Munn. When you suffer a loss, don't be an asshole and try to achieve your goals. You're not helping anyone.

We also learned that Molly (the winner from last week) was adopted as a baby! Why do I get so surprised with pleasure when I hear about a whitebread blonde model being an adopted kid? Because she's not a minority? What's up with that? What's up with me?

Mike Rosenthal shot their crazy bee photoshoot, and I'm still unclear on what the creative was aiming for with all those bees. They also drew weird lines on the girl's faces and eyebrows and then gave some of them them blackish blue lipstick, which looks great on everyone. Except bees. Basically nobody freaked out about the bees (beyond Olivia Munn giving them all the side-eye), and I wondered if they had their stingers removed but nobody bothered to mention it for ratings' sake. But if you remove a bee's stinger, doesn't it die? And why would I get so excited about a bee being adopted? What's up with bees?

Alek Wek co-judged at panel, and you probably know who she is. Here are the pictures I liked:


 

Mikaela, the Vampire
I liked this one because it's perfect. The lines balance out, and her ear hidden in shadows fits perfectly. I just wish there weren't so many bees all over her neck.

 

Brittani

Brittani's pretty goofy outside the photoshoots. She reminds me of a childhood friend with ADD who is always somehow flying around on the ceiling when you're just trying to play Clue. Jay Manuel thought she posed very professionally, always locked onto the camera. I think I like this because of Jay's influence.

Olivia Munn, the Freaking Idiot (Monique)
Andre Leo Talley said to frame this one and put it in Tyra's drawing room or something. I only like the eybrows. And the idea that she hates bees a lot.


 

Alexandria, "Natural Swag"

For being such a turd, at least Alexandria had the idea to put her arms straight out to the side. That's at least interesting. And again, I like the aspect of the bee about to sting her stupid mouth.

 



Hannah
This was the judges' number 1 pick. They wished her tearlines trailed down from eyes that were expressing sadness, rather than just posey beauty. I think there's too much crap on her forehead, especially with her head tilted back. But who doesn't love Hannah?




So at the beginning of panel, Ondrei decided that Olivia Munn was right and she had no business trying to reach for the stars when she should be face down on someone's grave for the rest of her life. And yet there was another elimination because Ondrei didn't have the worst picture. YOWCH. I hope this doesn't give them an excuse to do one fewer show. Don't they care about me at all?

In the end, they sent Nicole home because she "looked too old in pictures." This is code for "you're nowhere near as pretty or talented as we thought you were at the beginning." Natural Swag told her not to be the Sad One after she got the Bottom Two last week, but it looks like all the Natural Swag advice in the world wasn't enough to save her. Astounding!

Next week: MAKEOVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally!

All photos courtesy of cwtv.com.

Here Follow Things I Have Made

(or: Arts 'n' [farts 'n'] Crafts)


Here is my makeup shelf, upon which I constructed a blue and white intrashelf.









I used two paper towel rolls and two straws trimmed to the same length. Then I painted everything blue except the outside walls of the little box I used.









I glued the edges of the tubes to the box with elmer's glue, which dries clear.











Et voilà!