A Tardy Account Of Aging Models, Made Over

MAKEOVER MAKEOVER! MAKEOVER MAKEOVER! Welcome to ANTM's Makeover Episode, ie The Most Important Day of the Fashion Year. Everything else comes to a complete stop on Makeover Day - Wintour makes the office take an hour of silence, Lagerfeld sits in a bath all day, and any home ec student caught mending an apron is thrown off the FIT building onto one of those button statues. It's a terribly big day, and on ANTM: All Stars, Makeover Day terrorizes itself to a new level.

First things first, some Dutch guy walks into the house just as All the Stars are playing dress-up for whatever sad reason. He gives each model a one-word description to form a brand around and he also singlehandedly destroys the LGBT movement by belittling Kayla's main thing. Bianca's word is "candid," which she defines as now having free reign to start shit with everyone, all day, forever. Oddly it's Bre who finally puts everything into perspective: your fans need to know how to follow you, so it's useful to be able to clarify your whole deal down to one word. What can we say, 6 years of simple aging have done wonders for the kid.

At the salon, Sheena blatantly refuses to let them touch her hair. Apparently last time they burned the hair off her scalp and it took years to get it back together again. Lisa has a small, faked break-down, and then Bre has a larger but still faked break-down. We hear her voiceover from the bathroom explaining "I was upset when they wanted to cut my hair...now I'm at rage!" It looks like the models all figured out that the best way to spend Makeover Day is to be upset without being THE MOST UPSET. This self-regulation makes the salon less enjoyable.

The girls go straight from the Makeover Chair to Posin' With Hot Dogs in the Corner. What the hell is this photoshoot? Did you see me, Daddy, eatin' a hot dog? Why are they making Sheena pose with a weener in her mouth? Why are they making Isis?! WHY WOULD THEY MAKE KAYLA?! All of the hot dog stuff is shameful and sad, and it made a single hot tear run down my red cheek onto my very own hot dog with which I, too, was posing provocatively. Hi, it's me, a model, trying to convey a one-word identity while keeping a hot dog shoved halfway into my mouth.

Obviously Isis ends up with the roughest picture of all time, with a hand over the penis that no longer exists and a mouth sucking on that sausage like there's no tomorrow. Somehow Angelea gets a great picture. But in the end, Tyra declares Lisa the winner. She is showing us her mouthful of food, after all. That's how you win Makeover Day.

Sheena ultimately loses Makeover Day, probably because she wouldn't let them touch her hair, but more likely because she's the 2nd-partiest of the girls after Brittany. With this logic Lisa should be eliminated next week, but I have a strange feeling they'll be getting rid of Kayla. Just so long as Laura stays, it's fine with me. KEEP LAURA ALIVE!

all photos courtesy cwtv.com

HOT DOG PICTURES!