ANTM Recaps Temporarily Back In Fashion!

As Becklectic grows up, I realize that I can basically only handle recapping one series at a time in a meaningful way. And although I started out following ANTM All Stars this fall, my attention quickly gave way to Walking Dead. Well guess what, friends. Good old Byrnsie Byrne told me she wants more hot ANTM action, and by God, she will get it.

First allow me to guide you through the Michael Jackson gallery, curated by LaToya herself at Elimination Panel 3 weeks ago. Here we have a few beauts:

This is the only amazing thing I've ever seen Bre do. Bringing out the Michael, bringing me to tears.

Laura Kirkpatrick, I'll love you til the day I die.

And a few COMPLETE LOSERS:

Yiiiiiiikes, Alexandria. PS Allison Harvard is wearing blackface.

But now for the real thrust of the recap:

WHAT HAVE THE AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL ALL STARS BEEN UP TO LATELY?

The girls head off to Greece, led by Andre Leon Talley in a rice paddy hat and large black kimono. I'm finding myself surprised that Lisa "The Crazy One" wasn't born Greek. Did she convert? Are you saying she's not Greek at all? No, that can't be right, look at her. 

The girls have to memorize large Greek words and give "1-minute speeches" utilizing them when they set foot on the Greek tarmac. Then Tyra digs up the only Greek photographer she's heard of and has him shoot the girls in a kiddie pool full of Greek salad. In other logos, we're really classing things up, Greek-style.

The 100-year-old in the group, Shannon, reminds Mr. Jay not so gently that she "doesn't do underwear." Her brain is cooking up a convoluted stew of "underwear < swimwear, unless the swimwear is underwearish, in which case swimwear > underwear because I can't figure it out? Just for my husband. No sir, that is just for my husband." Granted, this season is supposed to be about image branding, and it's well within Shannon's brand parameters to avoid gratuitous nudity. Then again, how you gonna be a working model if you won't work? All the fashion songs say you better work. A random PA ends up telling Shannon, "No offense, but it's easier to change the model than the prototype." SLAM! Duh duhduh Duh duhduh LET THE BOYS BE BOYS!

At Elimination Panel it becomes abundantly clear that these girls were just made to pose in freaking Greek salad for no good reason. The judges hate the way Laura poured olive oil all over her face in her photo. She was feeling sick! She wasn't thinking straight! What were you expecting? Keep Laura alive! In the end, she is kept alive, whereas Shannon gets the boot. Right in her fully-clothed butt. 


ONE WEEK LATER:
There are just 5 girls completely middle-aged women left in the competition. What better way to celebrate than with a caustic peer-led "casting" session! Miss Jay rounds everyone up and makes them walk for each other and judge each other.

It's totally innocuous at first ("I could never, ever [pick a girl who doesn't deserve to win], even if it means I'm out of the contest!"), until it turns into shit-on-Angelea hour. Dominique sees herself in Angelea and wants her to project more confidence. Laura just wants her to be doing better period. Lisa's lips are zipped. This is significant. Angelea refuses to hear any criticism, so she just gets up and walks out while showering the girls with profanity. She's ready to win, so she ought to, and everyone else should shut up or prepare to be slapped. To Angelea's credit, she slaps no one.

Giving further credit to Angelea, she really did take initiative and get herself some counseling between the first season she auditioned and the season she actually made it onto. She just clearly needs a little more. Her mantra throughout is "You think you know me? You don't know nothing about me," which is tragically honest. In a show about models trying specifically to become household names, you probably ought to make it so people can "know you." And that "you" can't just be defensive.

Flipping back around to Lisa, it's nice to see a former train wreck slowly figure out when to turn on the act and when to keep it quiet. She keeps herself from getting into a ridiculous fight with Angelea. She goes out to a club with the rest of the models and manages not to drink any alcohol, which had originally contributed to her downfall. She thinks "the winner in [her] needs to be somebody who can handle themselves in every single situation." And it doesn't look like she's struggling. It's really nice to see a self-disciplined person who isn't completely depressed about it.

The models pose as ancient Olympians for their photoshoot, only instead of throwing javelins and shotputs, they throw belts and purses. Everyone gives a solid performance except Angelea, who neither knows nor cares what the hell a "put-shut-pot-shot" is. Well Angelea, it's simple, really. It's a ball that you hold while MODELING FOR ONCE.



Somehow by Elimination Panel I realize that I'm rooting for Lisa as well as Laura. This is confusing and makes me wonder about what goes on in my brain. It's like the time I was rooting so hard for Melrose. What was that all about? The bottom two are Angelea and Dominique, and since Angelea will undoubtedly cause more drama, she gets to stay. Despite her vast inter-season improvements, Dominique will not be our All-Star. Ole Rattlesnake Angelea gets one more shot. Here are the rest of the Olympians!

all photos courtesy cwtv.com