Last
week's episode of The Jersey Shore
ended in chaos. Karma turned into Mos Eisley Cantina, security tossing out
guidos right and left. Some dude tugged on Jwoww's scanty dress, enraging her
boyfriend Roger. It was a tough week to get through, but folks, we've made it.
Get crazy!
Ronnie
observes Roger's near-fight (which dissolves immediately btw) and starts
getting a huge crush on him. He's thrilled by Roger's authority, and he goes on
and on about how you can't mess with Roger. "That's Karma for you. Karma's
a bitch!" All this new-crush energy must be going straight to Ronnie's
brain and that's why he spouts verbal gold like this. Welcome back from
sabbatical, Professor Gurustein!
As
the gang comes home, the guidettes (now ready for love) encounter much
resistance. Snooki waits outside the bathroom for Jionni to stop puking, and
Roger slips away to the patio while Jwoww isn't looking ("My girl had to
poop"). Mike feeds him chicken salad sandwich after chicken salad sandwich
as Ronnie chats him up. "I'm actually in love," says Roger.
"...With your sandwich," finishes Ronnie. He also tells Roger that if
Sammi complained that much, he might lose his phone too. Might want to pump
those brakes, Professor Gu. Your girlfriends are in earshot. In the end no one
gets laid.
In
the morning, Snooki pantomimes a brief scene wherein she finds Jionni dead and
starts doing chest compressions on him. Why is Snooki obsessed with medical
tragedy? First she has a heart attack, plus she's always about to throw up, and
now her boyfriend is technically dead. Please also pump those brakes. Deena decides the gang is going crabbing at the dock!
As
soon as they're done at the bait shop, somebody catches a guido. As in, their
fishing hook catches on the undershirt of an unwitting guido squatting on the dock. Although terrifyingly close to all sorts of miserable outcomes, the event is consequence-free. Much like everything here. Vinny throws a crab on Sitch as Pauly says "Crabs are
here!"
The
Meatballs get in an inflatable raft because "no one wants to take
[Deena's] bait." She said it, not me! They have a grisly maritime
adventure, floating precariously underneath the dock and flailing around when
someone yells "sharp!" because Deena hears "shark."
Eventually they fall off of the boat and stand up only half emerged. You see,
the water's only 2 feet deep.
Somehow
Deena's trunks stay on. They leave with no fish and maybe crabs, but not the
kind you eat. Chinese food for dinner! Back at home, Ronnie takes the stinkiest
dump of all time. I'm not sure why the editors spend so much time on it, but
it's indisputable. His poop smells terrible.
At
work, Danny tells Pauly how many times he's seen the stalker hanging out at the
store. It's a LOT. I still feel embarrassed for her, since she's obviously just
awkward and crushin'. But upon further inspection, I can see why Pauly's so
upset. She's a freaking psycho. The next day, Jwoww gets fed up seeing her at
the store so much. She takes her outside and conducts a casual interview with
questions like "what's your deal" and "here's what you look like
when you're staring at us." The girl just stands there beaming. This is
the best day of her life. "Enjoy your day," says Jenni. "Go back
to watching. OK."
Snooki
is enchanting now, by the way. She is irresistible to everyone (except her
boyfriend, who would rather puke than smoosh). Mike smokes a cigarette with her
on the patio and asserts that he'll be the one objecting at her wedding when it
gets to that point in the ceremony. They play a sexually charged game of Throw
The Balls, which looks like an awesome game, and Mike resists being a jerk the
entire time. It's far too sincere to be engineered by someone with such
extensive brain damage. The Situation is in love.
Snooki
loses a Throw The Balls bet and has to wear the bunny suit ("Lola")
to the club that night. It somehow brings them the best night of their lives.
Everyone takes turns wearing the bunny head and dry-humping. A girl named
Stephanie walks right up to Sitch and tells him how DTF she and her friends are.
It's a LOT.
The
Meatballs sneak over a fence to frolic on the beach like Baywatch. Within seconds, the cops descend upon them. Deena tries
flirting with one of them (no true homo can resist a man in uniform), but he
isn't biting. Again with the no one taking her bait. What is this, a nunnery?
At
home, Mike has perfectly engineered the ins and outs of MVP's sexcapades.
Eerily soon after Vinny and Pauly finish their shared-bedroom trysts, Mike
tells them that he's gone ahead and ordered cabs for their ladies. Was he
listening for his cue? Right outside the door?
Snooki
and Ronnie head to the bar very soon the next morning, eager to drink through
their hangovers. She buys him a minibike because he said something about it the
other day. This is a very sweet afternoon. They're not allowed to turn on the
bike while they're on the boardwalk, but they scoot along like best friends for
hours.
There's
another awkward cutaway to a patio dinner that's totally removed from the day's
events. These little breaks from the jumbo-sized commercial break are just like
the ones on Top Chef. You're not
tricking me, corporate tv fat cats.
Snooki
finds herself drunk and on the duck phone with Jionni, yet again trying to have
phone sex in plain sight of her roommates. This time it's Vinny sitting by,
pretending that the Throw The Ball balls are his own and resting them upon her
face, waiting for her to stop arguing with Jionni about what's decent and
what's not. Vinny takes her to the boardwalk, and Snooki's tangled web claims
another lovelorn guido.
They
go to a pool hall and dance like nonagenarians. They get drunk enough that
Vinny starts thinking about smooshing Snooki, so naturally he asks her to stop
drinking. He doesn't want to do it when she's drunk, but they don't do it
unless they're drunk. It's frustrating enough to make Snooki go back for their
abandoned shots.
And
so the episode "Sharp Objects" ends, leaving Snooki on the throne of
Aphrodite, inspiring the love of every man who crosses her path. Must be all
those crotch shots at da club. Beauty, thy name is Shnickers.
photos
courtesy
mtv.com
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