Last week we left Situation on the back porch with Jionni, poised to spill the hugest secret of reality television: indeed, there was a Situation/Snooki night of passion a few months ago. Jionni listens to all of it, then reacts not at all, then slips back into bed with Snooki. He tells her a funny joke Mike told him. But guess what, Snooki's mad and fidgety and upset with Mike now, and not once has she denied doing anything. Eventually even Ronnie can connect those dots.
That day, as everyone else wakes up and prepares for part one of GTL, the tension rises. Everything's cool as a cucumber between Snooki and Jionni, but between Snooki and Situation, there's a whole Kelly Ripa sized tension balloon that's fit to burst.*
*Have you been watching Live! with Kelly for 10 minutes every morning before work like me? If so, get it?
Snooki stands in front of a mirror doing her makeup so that she can pretend to be completely calm while reaming Mike out. Jioni's on the side begging Schnickers to quiet down ("Nicole...stop..."), but nothing can keep her from telling Mike off as a mature adult: "Just to let you know, I'm never gonna be friends with you ever again."
We spend the rest of the afternoon with Pauly D as he makes doughnuts on the rooftop astroturf with Ronnie's minibike. Everyone else prepares Sunday dinner downstairs. Suddenly, for no reason other than the Producer Earbud stuffing her head with helpful suggestions, Snooki tells everyone they should go camping. Or maybe she does come up with it on her own, realizing that Jionni loves traditional Italian housewives -- and her large pot of forest stew will show him what a doting casalinga she'll make one day soon.
But first, a food fight. Every single promo from the past two weeks has shown an enraged Snooki chucking a casserole dish at Mike, suggesting that this would be the week Snooki resorts to domestic violence (more than she usually does). Alas, they've made fools of us yet again. It's only a food fight after all, and the entire house is involved, not just Snooki on the warpath. Although to be fair, it does devolve into a Snooki vs. Situation Personal Fight very quickly. I guess MTV has finally written a check its butt could cash.
Snooki stomps up to the rooftop patio holding an angry glop of mashed potatoes. Mike prepares a bucket full of old hot tub water. Soon they bring out a jumbo-sized ketchup bottle and an entire gallon of milk. Snooki rolls her filthy body all over Situation's bed, not realizing how telling a tableau she's set up. What we have here are two technical adults, one in his thirties and the other pregnant, fighting like preteens who can't understand that the reason they hate each other so much is that they want to do each other so much. Thank God these people aren't living at their parents' house. They'd be so busted.
Throughout the argument, each and every roommate comes to the gradual realization that Snooki must be lying. Defensive, caustic, and paranoid are not the descriptors of a girl who's been falsely accused. But none of that is to say that anyone will ever know what truly happened that fateful night. Except The Unit, of course, and his brain ain't cooperating. It's got a fever, and the only prescription is more booze.
Throughout some of this, Deena has been on the phone with Joey, trying desperately to salvage something from the wreckage of their aborted relationship. Pauly's like "NO, DEENA" and hangs up on the guy, and then Jwoww takes her aside again to explain why Joey's not a good guy for her. With all this prodding, you can bet she'll be married to Joey by next week. Did all these guidos grow up without sitcoms perfectly illustrating why you can't be so outwardly against whatever jerk your daughter's dating? You'll push her right into his arms, you knuckleheads! Learn something from tv for once!!!!
This week's episode features two awkward inserts to break up the extra long commercial breaks they've built into the second half. The first one shows Vinny deciding to bring a heavier girl than usual back home from the club, plus Pauly grabbing a few extra regular girls so that Vinny can have just-in-case options. Why must everything be made so awkward for all women all the time here? It makes my brain's stomach hurt.
The next morning Pauly and Vinny opt to stay home. Everyone else goes camping. Farrrrt.
For a while now, Deena's been missing Snooki more and more. Not only is Deena the only uncoupled woman in the house, she's also the last fun-loving Meatball. Snooki naps with Jionni all day, and it puts Deena in a lonely place. She brings it up around the campfire, sharing honestly and being impressively vulnerable, but Snooki takes it as though Mike had just run up and farted into her face. "I'm happy," she insists over and over, pissed that Deena would suggest something so true. This is what life is. It's being Deena.
For real, being actively alive is being Deena:
- Deena says "yes" to new adventures yet continually gets her heart smashed in two
- Deena is friendly to everyone, even when they're jerks, yet she's treated like a squishy-faced dog in the best of circumstances
- Deena allows herself to be vulnerable and actively tries to remedy loneliness by meeting new men, yet she's still single because no one wants to date a Meatball.
- THEN WHY ISN'T SNOOKI HERE IN HELL TOO?
- I guess for every generation, there is only one man on earth who will dare go The Meatball Way
Back in Seaside, Vinny and Pauly enlist Bossman Danny's help to prank the entire house (which Danny owns). They want to switch all the rooms around, furniture and clothes included, and install astroturf in the living room so it can become the rooftop patio. Danny is so in, he's almost through to the other side youknowwhatI'msayin!! They literally install astroturf in the living room. Danny must be making so much money from this show.
Ronnie tries and fails to pitch his pup tent because, having grown up in the Bronx, the closest he's come to camping is seeing homeless people sleep on the sidewalk. And he's tickled pink with that word choice.
The second awkward insert scene is of Mike peeing very near the camp for a very long time. I hate this, I hate all of this. I already have a hard time with camping, but going camping with THESE ASSHOLES? God take me up to heaven right now I'm ready. I would sooner die.
Right on cue, Ronnie holds the lighter fluid bottle up to where his penis would be and "pees" on the campfire to get it started. His clothes nearly catch flame immediately. Situation throws a large bundle of leafy branches onto the fire. Deena calls him a "hermaphrodite," meaning "pyromaniac." Meaning hermaphrodite, too, though.
Later on, Braindead Sitch wanders around the camp in the dark, looking for someone to jump out of a tent at him. Everyone starts calling him a schizo, but I think we all know what's going on here. Think it with me: severe brain damage. And I'm pretty sure that most other victims of brain damage could actually do great in a camping scenario. What gives me the right to say any of this. "Well, it is my blog."
The next morning everyone's clothes are crawling with huge spiders. It's just awful. Everything is terrible. But when they get back home...that'll be even crazier, eh? Eh? A crazy, prank-filled home.
Next week it looks like Vinny has settled on a lesbian conquest. His tv-stardom must mean he's so virile, he can bring a woman who is only attracted to women over to the other side. Nobody ever said the kid was low on self-esteem, folks.
photos courtesy mtv.com
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