We enter the episode on the downhill slope of the most recent Upset Meatball Night. Ronnie apologizes, and Deena finds her words. She explains that she doesn't know what's making her so upset, and Ronnie tells her that this lack of an explanation makes everyone assume it's just alcohol. Wow, I can't believe how lucidly this is sorting itself out. It's like that season of Real World I watched a few years ago (the one with Jem & Knight). They're using their words, and everyone seems to be getting to the same page. Vinny takes Deena outside to remind her to "breathe, idiot!"
Ronnie calls Deena's mom and tells her not to make Deena leave. This is adorable because (1) Ronnie has to punch Deena's mother's cell phone number into a duck phone, (2) it's funny to see Ronnie have a full-out conversation with anyone's parents, and (3) Deena's parents are halfway there anyway, so the Don't-Take-Deena stuff could wait until they get to the house. What are they going to do, turn around and go back home?
The Corteses arrive with a huge box of cheesecake for the house and a chicken caesar wrap for Deena. Deena's mom wonders aloud, "Can't you wait 'til night time?" and "Can't you drink just a little?" but there are no answers to those questions besides "NO, MOM, OBVIOUSLY NOT." It might be time for Deena to go to a talking doctor, but before any appointments are made, Deena's mom is laughing again. "Can't you have a Meatball Day without drinkin'?" she asks without really expecting an answer. These Meatball Parents, they just can't get enough of their kids' foibles. My mom would have murdered me by now.
The rest of the gang hits the club, where Ronnie immediately wipes out on the floor. Hahahahaha, great one, Ron Ron.
Sitch is sneaking around with other girls so much, people start calling him a "Sneaky Dickens." The kid's shirt is wide open, nary a button buttoned. A girl sucks on his finger. When Jwoww tells a group of ladies he has a girlfriend, they scatter. This seems somehow...wrong?
Vinny brings home a "spanish girl" and fears for his celibacy. Lucky for him, she just lies there. He creeps out of bed and tapes a confessional about how his hand is "the best f*cking skank [he's] ever met." Then he gets a full night's sleep while dreaming of p'zones.
MVP wake up, send their ladies home, and go to the store to buy some hot dogs. It's barbecue day in the backyard y'all!!!!! Somehow there are zero jokes about the phallic nature of hot dogs. JK don't worry, hot-dog-looks-kinda-like-a-penis gets a 30-minute segment. The weiner talk segues into yet another discussion of What's Wrong With Deena, and Sammi goes off on her. Deena finally says what I think is at the bottom of this - she misses her other Meatball - but Snooki doesn't pick up on it. In the end, Sammi shits on Deena a little more and then they both go to bed.
The internet should make a montage of all the times Sammi checks her hair in the mirror.
Jwoww, Sammi, and Snooki work a shift at the Shore Store, and Jwoww sells $540 worth of shot glasses in a few hours. Then Snooki steals $540 worth of stuffed leopards from an unguarded boardwalk kiosk. It's so strange how all this math keeps working out so perfectly, but it does.
Deena, Sitch, and their significant others go on a double date. The leggy, thin, tan, sweet, and very pretty Paula has become a burping pile of wretched garbage to Mike over the course of two days. He almost vomits when she mentions that she might get a food baby after eating dinner in a crop-top. He almost strokes out from embarrassment when Paula waves to Deena with a hand sign known as "the shocker" on a carnival ride. "I think Paula's trying to audition to be a Meatball...but Meatballs do not have manners, and they are less ladylike," explains Mike. That makes sense. After all those baldly vulnerable romantic overtures to Snooki last season, it's clear that Mike has a problem with Meatballs. They're not his type at all.
Back at home, Mike tells Paula he's just "chalking it up" to not being able to control what comes out of her mouth. "Chalkin' it up," he says over and over, every time she opens her mouth to speak. At this point she's getting the wrong idea, thinking that if she talks even dirtier, maybe it will please her new boyfriend or get them the screentime he seems to want. The interstitial segment shows Mike split-kicking a punching bag man in the backyard to impress Paula and Chris. Simpler times.
Everyone hits the club and Mike immediately slips away from Paula. They spend the rest of their evening apart, separated by a 50-something year old nurse who starts breakdancing and turnpiking. This is a David Lynch movie now and I feel so scared and confused. Why isn't this old lesbian dying? Did Deena push her over to her death? Why is she putting her hair on the floor of Karma? Who is this dude who loves her so much? He is all of us.
Back home from the club, Sitch sprints upstairs to take a shower so he doesn't have to hang out with Paula. She, in turn, takes out her butt pads and shows them to the gang while explaining various joke sex acts. Vinny puts the butt pad on his head and has a blast and a half doing a smallish set in the confessional. Eventually Mike comes down and sees what Paula's been up to. "That's real chalk," she says, the fear in her eyes growing.
photos courtesy mtv.com
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