Holy Smokes

It's December and you guys didn't even tell me! You guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just kidding, of course I knew it was December because just yesterday it became the coldest winter on earth.

Too bad there wasn't any tv on last night. Is anything up tonight? Obviously I'll be reenacting my favorite parts of past antm episodes, but is top chef still on? I guess I'll give you my thoughts on that:

The Brothers - both jerks. The younger one is obviously jerkier but probably a better chef. The older one seems much nicer to talk to but how did he make it this far?

Nervous Wreck - YIKES YIKES YIKES YIKES YIKES ALERT YOU NEED TO SPEND SOME TIME RELAXING

Kevin - hooray! Kevin's the better version of that southern Top Chef Master who cooked for Oprah. And he's from the hot, hot city of Atlanta. A clear winner.

Yeah, that's that on top chef. Meanwhile I tried to watch Chef Academy but everyone was SO stressed about leaving lemon seeds in their dishes that I could never really relax. And I think there's an ex-adult movie star in the competition, which is (ironically enough) a real turn-off.


Well if we're going to have to go for two days without tv, the least we could do is give three cheers to the New York state senate for officially closing down gay marriage for the year. hip hip no-gays!



Things I Will Have Done By The End Of This Week:
-bang on a drum all day even though I'd rather be WORKING!
-joke around about Todd Rundgren tunes
-not ride a bike
-mayyyyyybe finish all the Fridanksgiving food. We are already out of: sweet potato pie and crescent rolls (duh) and we're getting REALLY close to the end of the gravy oh no!
-babysat
-zoom through naptime
-licked and sealed thirty envelopes
-that's all.

And also I'm watching Bad Romance by gaga more and more and more and more and more on youtube. I can't stop. I'm becoming more and more aware that you can't stop gaga. And she started out in a musical theatre conservatory not four years go!

Top Scallop

At first I thought I might recap Top Chef just as thoroughly as I'm recapping other shows. Then I realized it's a seriously boring recap, and I don't have fast enough fingers to capture each menu that appears on the screen. Look, if my fingers aren't fast enough, whose could be?! So instead of doing a proper recap, I'm just going to give a few observations.

Padma Lakshmi made a grammar error. She said "the criteria for this challenge is this, this, and that." What must Salman Rushdie think of subject-verb agreement?

My dream is that one day, I'll be able to watch Top Chef and recognize the "famous chefs" before the bottom third has to explain who they are/why they're "famous."

Hey look at this: ELImination! This seems like something people might bring up.

My roommate Colin thinks that the Train Wreck Woman ("Great, now I'm shaking") might just be a cyborg that's short circuiting. Somebody call Steve Gutenberg, quick!

ANTM Crossover:
There is a certain rule of thumb that works similarly for both Top Chef and America's Next Top Model:

If you try to defend why your meat was undercooked, the judges are just going to say, "there is no excuse."

and similarly,
If you try to suggest that you gave better poses during the shoot than the chosen photo, Tyra Banks will cut you off with a strong, beautiful "I chose this frame for a reason!" Remember earlier this cycle, when she was like "YOU FORGET YOUR EYES, JENNIFER!!!"


That's basically it for me and Top Chef, not Top Scallop. I wish Fabio were still on.