26 January 2011

Gossip Girl Comes Back, Only This Time There Are Two Black People Also

  • When we last left Blair and Dan, they were waggling their eyebrows at each other, talking about all the French films they'd be seeing together at Film Forum. Now they're acting like they accidentally got married on Serena's bed or something. Film Forum does this to people sometimes.
  • This episode is called "The Kids Are Not All Right," which is untrue in that Serena's espionage skill set is clearly through the roof. It's MORE than all right. First she packs six suitcases' worth of costumery for ensnaring the judge, then she lets Chuck dress her up as Lily and waltzes right into her mother's safety deposit box. I take back what I said before - Serena's good at drinking, sure, but she's great at using clothing to trick people...which we knew already because of all her boob dresses.
  • But WHY couldn't we have seen Serena-as-Lily lying her way into the safety deposit box area? Just one line as her, please Serena. "I'm here to visit my jewels. Take me there immediately and don't dare look me in the eye."
  • Nate & His Dad: the Dumb Couple. I hate it when someone gets out of prison and then immediately goes back to whatever he did that got him into prison in the first place. On shows like The Wire it's all but inevitable. But on shows like GG, it's a useless stressball with a shaved head. Nate's dad (The Captain) is wii-ing it up with two pretty maids and missing job interviews right and left. Why don't you just give yourself a fresh buzzcut and dive right back into lock-up, dummy. 
  • PS, what show is it where someone's shaving his head in prison and another person is like "It's not the army, man. You don't actually have to shave your head in here." How amazing would it have been if Nate shot that over to his dad!
  • When faced with a janitor job interview, The Captain says something like "I had to sit there with half a dozen other ex-cons who probably didn't even go to high school - DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL?" Is that supposed to be a jab at my generation? Because it's really interesting that they'd have a Baby Boomer say it. Perhaps we Millennials are only as entitled as our ex-con hyper-feelingsy parents, ever think of that?
  • Welcome, Black Thorpes! I mean, just Thorpes! Chuck's apparently racist father might've scared you out of NYC into Chicago, but now you're back and your daughter is of-agier than ever. I'm all set to like Raina (the daughter), but something's still missing. Maybe a sparkle in her eye, I don't know. 
  • Chuck and Serena spent the episode trying to get back at Lily for selling Bass Industries, but as soon as Chuck gives Lily one minute to explain, he's like "Oh my God, you were so right." About the economy being bad? About real estate messing up things for businesses like Bass Industries? How much absinthe are you DOING, Chuck? This didn't all happen while you were in New Zealand for Christmas!
  • Rufus clinks Lily's cocktail glass when she explains how ostentatious the night's party will be. Tell the truth, Rufus. This is the culmination of your decades-long plan to become a "rock star," divorce your wife, marry an old flame, and finally afford all those cashmere flannels you've been dreaming about. FINALLY.
  • LILY GOLD ALERT: "I know you [Eric] disapprove of me, but can't you do so in a tuxedo?"
  • Dan & Serena's relationship took an extraordinarily realistic turn when (for the fortieth time) Dan was like "Wellll, could we please just do what I want to do just once? Just one time pleeeease?" Then Serena had the presence of mind to be like "I wonder if I sometimes test you." This is a narcissist/co-dep relationship to the max. Serena's so smart.
  • BLAIR GOLD ALERT: (Regarding the tie Dan wears which belongs to his father) "If only he had been buried in it." Hahahahahahaha
  • If we had known that Montel Williams was capable of delivering a monologue like the one he gives at the party, I think we would've-Wait. That is actually an actor named Michael Boatman. Ohhhhhhhhh God. Look, they both have Fu Manchus. I'm really sorry. But Michael Boatman and Montel? That's one for Celebrities That Look Alike.
  • And just like the end of last year, we're left watching Dan and Blair yet again waggling their eyebrows at each other making plans to see a thousand french films at Film Forum. At least she's better than Vanessa. I think we can all agree about that.
Predictions for the rest of Season 4:
  • Lily's pregnancy starts to show!!
  • The gang schemes to throw The Captain back in jail. Come on, he has it coming.
  • Serena, Dan, Chuck, and Blair do a swap and spend the next two or three years that way until finally coming to the realization that they had it right at the beginning and should just switch back. But now there are babies in the mix, and those babies are soon going to be 16 and falling in love with each other...things are going to get weird.
  • Rufus starts wearing pearls around the house when he thinks we/Lily can't see.
  • Eric continues to hate Lily even after everyone else forgives her and ends up framing her for a series of high-profile murders. While she's in prison sharing a cell with The Captain, Eric visits her to explain how the whole thing went down. It sounds a lot like the plot of Oceans 12.
  • Vanessa and Jenny stay gone. Hooray!
  • Come to think of it, Vanessa and Jenny are pretty much gone. Did the writers finally take all that Vanny-bashing to heart? I'd still be ok HEARING about their stupid exploits. I just don't want to see their faces or clothes or hear them speak. But feel free to have Serena update us on their lesbian couture wedding in Maine or whatever. That oughta be good for a few laughs!

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