31 January 2011

The Longest Night At The Jersey Shore, Recapitulated

Face-punches. Poofs. All-nighters. Birthday parties. Changing JWOWW's deadbolts. Sunday dinner. Underage grenades. Gym, Tan, Laundry.

The past three episodes of Jersey Shore have each been crazy in their own right, but it turns out they were all piling up toward the Loch Ness Monster that was Thursday night's episode. We bore witness to the night that just wouldn't end, and we watched it over and over again until I was positive I could just transcribe it and have an award-winning one act on my hands. That will come next.

In the meantime, here's more or less what happened in the most recent episode of Jersey Shore:
  • As you may know, Ronnie and Sammi fight a lot. So much that maybe they shouldn't be dating anymore. Lately, since Ronnie's been relatively low-key, Sammi's had a chance to reflect on the past year and get mad at him for things he did 6 months ago. This has infuriated his roid rage so much that Ronnie now tells Sammi things like "I am breaking up with you" and "There are your clothes. I put them all on the floor. Put them in your suitcase and leave." In turn, this has made Sammi take surprisingly mature counter-strikes: she has now apologized to Snooks and to Deena for all the things she really should be apologizing for. Wow!
  • But speaking of Woww, Sammi still hadn't apologized to JWoWW by the time Thursday's episode got started. And that's why it made her so hopping mad when she saw Jenni and Ronnie making up and acting like friends from her ivory balconette. And that's why she had to scream at Ronnie about it while Pauly D & the rest of the gang literally passed between them holding a lit-up birthday cake for Ryder, Snooks's visiting best friend.
  • Recently freed from prison, Snooks just did her best to stay sober* and help her friend have a good time**. She comported herself surprisingly well/sleepily.
    • * Oh yeah, remember how last week Snooks was like "just pinot for me from now on!" and then on Sammi's bed she's suddenly as tipsy as we've ever seen her?
    • ** unless Vinny can just take care of that for her again
  •  So as this birthday cake is floating by and everyone's definitely sobering up by now (just kidding, that will take another forty years), Sammi hurls herself over the balcony and throws a punch into Ronnie's face. Admirably, Ronnie doesn't immediately tackle her to the ground and mercilessly pummel her the way his roid logic is surely prodding him to do. Instead, he just sits there quietly - a true JWoWW move. 
  • Meanwhile JWoWW drools over her friend Roger, who may or may not have some girlfriend, and they assemble her two dogs nearby so they can smoosh with dogs nearby. Which is gross. 
  • We have been waiting for three seasons now since JWoWW first accidentally flirted with Pauly D in season 1. And now that she's single - finally - she's spinning her wheels with this sunburned, beard-scaped stay-puft marshmallow man? When will she realize that Pauly D is spinning his LPs waiting for her? Stop spinning! Start smooshing! Season 4, this is thine arc.
  • Did I mention that the evening really got its start after Karma with a (presumably) underage girl getting fetched by her mafia uncle as a grenade simultaneously bullied Sitch into giving her some of his gym shorts nearby? Because that's about where Act I ended, and I think it really gave the night a fun flavor to kick things off with. Not to mention a great vuvuzela sound cue.
  • Sammi does eventually apologize to Ronnie, just in case I forget to mention. He accepts because she has forgiven him so frequently for his mess-ups, and she wants just a fraction of that forgiveness to try to make things better. Fair point, Sweetfart.
  • THEN IT GETS GREAT. At a club later on that night (after some confusion involving Deena, FRonnie, and some wilted salad ingredients), JWoWW offers to get Sammi a drink and they spend some time together. At the bar, Sammi tells Jenni everything Jenni has ever wanted to hear - she knows why the girls did what they did, and she would've done the same thing - and they make up BIG-TIME. It's insane how much they made up. Particularly since JWoWW usually follows through on her "X is dead to me" statements. JWoWW has a lot of follow through.
  • By the end of the saga, nothing is perfect: JWoWW is still gaga for a large Virginia ham, Deena is still fighting/secretly enjoying rumors, and Sammi still has her basic genetic layout. But everyone is peaceful - there are NO existing fights at the moment - and next week's preview shows Ronnie in a proctologist's office. GET CRAZY GET WILD!!!!!

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