21 May 2012

A Mixed Bag Of Thrones

Several conversation-worthy things happened on television last night, and since I took notes on none of them, this will be a special sort of recap. I'm going to throw things in as I remember them. Assuming you watched Game of Thrones "The Prince of Winterfell," Mad Men "Christmas Waltz," and Girls "The Return," you should not encounter any confusion whatsoever, just kidding, you will.

I think it's safe to say we all expected Daenerys to visit the House of the Undying last night. Last week Dorkus Wizard told her in no uncertain terms that her dragons were at his house and that he wanted her to come over. But instead of showing us all the freaky special effects that a house like that would offer, Daenerys decides to hang out in her room or something, droning on about her dragons like Claire screaming for "miy baiby!" over and over. C'mon ladies. Mothers Day was LAST WEEK.

At least Harry Crane goes somewhere interesting: Paul Kinsey's chapter of Hare Krishna. Oh my GOD I never expected the bald-with-one-small-braid guy to turn around and full-on BE Kinsey. As Peggy explains later on in the episode, after Sterling Cooper dissolved, Kinsey bopped around to almost every ad agency until finally falling off the face of the planet. Now he's back, looking to get coffee with Harry Crane.

Hannah Horvath goes home to East Lansing for the weekend and shares a cup of coffee with her old pal from high school, who is literally dumber than a coffee bean. The friend plans to move to LA without knowing anyone there first, and she dolefully recounts the tragedy of their kidnapped-on-spring-break acquaintance Carrie so that Hannah will come see her dance at the Benefit for Carrie's Parents. Hearing about what your friends from home are up to can be like this, but usually it's in much smaller doses and it's spread out among several lost classmates. If I were Hannah I would have been weeping at the Party Girl poster near my bed, not just looking at it.

Mother Lakshmi looks like a mixture of Juliette Lewis and Serena van der Woodsen's aunt. She's exceedingly bad at making sex trades. She doesn't want to move to the country and start a family with Kinsey, or maybe she does. Hare Krishna women are like this? I don't get it.

Thankfully I know exactly what women from Tarth are like. They are very, very, very tall, and they don't like funny business. As Brienne of Tarth escorts Jaime Lannister down to King's Landing in the hope of trading for the Stark girls, I get the feeling that I'm going to like watching the two of them together. Jaime's like "you have to answer yes or no: do your parents know you're gay?" and Brienne's like "aaaaAAAAARRRRGGHH!" This is comedy gold. Will they fall in love? And how about Arya and Jaqen Hagar? They have an understanding and Arya's witty banter seems to please the silent assassin. Will THEY fall in love?

I can tell you who I don't want falling in love. I know Joan's just been served divorce papers, and I know Don's "turned over a new leaf," but their afternoon of drunken flirting makes me extremely nervous that they're about to have an affair. One of those "we just fell into it and we couldn't stop the power of love!" affairs that somehow hurts way more people than just a normal affair would. If Don and Joan get together, here's who will get hurt: Roger, Megan, Peggy, and Joan. And, really, Don would get hurt too because he'd probably lose Megan. Although his walls would have less spaghetti on them.

I also didn't want Robb and Tulisa of Wherever to get together, but it happened, and now the shit's going to hit the fan. Something gives me such a bad feeling when I think of Robb breaking his promise to the Freys. Something tells me this won't be swept under the rug. Maybe if there were some passion between them, some palpable tension, then I'd want Robb to throw caution to the wind and just do it anyway, but as of now, the only thing I can discern about their relationship is that they only talk about sawing off legs and then stand around looking at each other all googly-eyed. Now Jon Snow and Ygritte, that's another story. I'd like them to do all sorts of stuff, stuff that would be just as politically tragic, because they at least have one mole of chemistry together. Just a little chemistry joke. Or not??

How do Lane's problems get so big so fast? As far as I could understand from last night's episode, Lane owes $8000 in taxes to Great Britain, which would be roughly $56,000 today. He "dates" escorts, screams at his wife, gets caned by his father, and starts fist fights with his colleagues. Lane is cruising toward suicide faster than you can say "at least Sterling didn't have to steal from the company." What a mess.

Hannah's parents also end up making a mess during their passionate anniversary shower, and I can honestly say I've never been happier to see Becky Ann Baker's boobs or Peter Scolari's penis. Scolari falls and hits his head on the bathroom floor, and when Hannah gets home to find her naked mother hovering over him, what follows is a truly amazing scene. We see what Hannah sees, what her parents would rather we didn't see, what they need us (Hannah) to see in order to deal with an emergency, which is real life as it happens, which is about as honest as it gets. Girls gets better with every episode. I have now seen everyone in the Horvath family naked.

What have I left out? Cersei kidnapping Tyrion's favorite prostitute but getting the wrong one, and poor Ros suffering even more at the hands of the Lannisters as a result. If Theon is the Pete Campbell of Game of Thrones, what with all his posturing and entitlement and whining, then his old pal Ros is like its Trudy - she does her duty and tries to be good, but she ends up getting shat on nonetheless. No one seems to feel like she's a real person. She's just a pawn in the big Westerosi chess game, and because she's a woman, she's even easier to beat up. Too bad she doesn't have any dragons to yell about futilely.

Did my Sunday night shows share any themes last night? There was the idea of honesty and literal exposure: the naked Horvaths showed as much of themselves as possible while Tyrion hid his lover's identity behind another woman's. There were experiences of the "other," between Harry Crane's Hare Krishna visit and Jon Snow's new home with the wildlings. There were doomed romances right and left, what with Robb & Julissa (or whatever) and Jon & Ygritte and Hannah & Adam and Don & Megan and Paul Kinsey & Mother Lakshmi. It all ended up coming together just in time. Trust me.

Photos courtesy imdb.com, AMCtv.com, HBO.com

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