Women Ruin Everything, pt. 1

No matter what you think you got going for you, some girl's going to come around and slap it out of your hands. Last night's Game of Thrones was full of meddlesome women, whereas Mad Men featured just one or two huge troublemakers. Either way, CUT IT OUT, GIRLS! And give back those dragons!

"The Old Gods and the New"

Theon conquers Winterfell by waking Bran up early one day. Thanks, Theon. He then orders the Starks' trustiest advisor and guard, Ser Rodrik, to death for spitting in his face. I can see where he's coming from, but I mean, where are you gonna get another guy with a beard like this? Might've been nice to keep him around. Also, the Iron Way isn't really working out if a loser like this has any semblance of power at all.

At any rate, Osha the Wildling figures that she better not stick around either. She honeypots Theon, really only to get him to go to sleep (maybe it was too much, but come on, hindsight's 20-20), and sneaks the boys + Hodor out into the wilderness, which I'm guessing she's good at living in.

Blissfully unaware of the current state of her home, Arya's pretty much best friends with Tywin Lannister right now. He's so impressed she can read, he tells her about Jamie's debilitating dyslexia. The secrets between these two! Arya and Tywin, Sally and Roger - it's becoming obvious that the secret to happiness is being a bright young girl with an adult male of questionable morals. WAIT, DUH, CURLY SUE. Science has known this for decades now.

Littlefinger comes to visit Tywin and completely recognizes Arya. He even lets her know by hinting, "I talked to CATELYN STARK. She had a PROPOSAL for her DAUGHTERS." Oh boy, how's Littlefinger going to weird this one up.

Above The Wall, Jon Snow meets a cute redhead. She's the only surviving member of the group of Wildling scouts the Wall Guys just took out. And fellas? She's feisty. She's so feisty, she reminds me of Karen Allen in the Indiana Jones movies. She's so feisty, Jon can't even bring himself to hack her head off. So they snuggle instead. 

Just as we've always suspected, nobody likes King Joffrey. Well, people do like throwing poop at him, which counts for something, although for him it doesn't seem to. The commoners of King's Landing basically start a full-scale rebellion against guards and poo-faces and even nice girls like Sansa. Sansa is saved from near rape by the Hound, who violently kills her attackers. Perhaps the Hound can stop the rest of the revolution.

Robb's new girlfriend makes it really awkward when Catelyn arrives back at camp. Bad news, nurse: You're going to wreck everything. This whole thing stinks to heaven. A few minutes into it, Catelyn's like "Maybe I can go talk to Theon." Perhaps she's overestimating her powers right now due to Brienne's protection. Because I feel like Theon's a PSYCHOPATH.

And at the very end, we find out that our poor Khaleesi Daenerys, exhausted after a long day of rejection from the Spice King (because he's a smart businessman), is now one of the only remaining Dothraki of her party. They've all been slaughtered in Ducksauce's mansion, and the dragons are gone too. I understand that Daenerys is going through a heavy cycle of emotions at this moment, but she sort of looks like she's about to crack up laughing in one of the shots. Maybe she's a psycho too now. I hope she finds the dragons somehow, now that they're on their way to some creepy tower.

And so the women of Game of Thrones have been real thorns in the paws of the main players in this war. Catelyn's return to Robb's camp ruins his repartee with the nurse; the nurse, being someone besides his betrothed, is going to screw Robb over anyway; Arya's basically in position to take down the entire Lannister army from the inside; Ygritte's going to lead a siege on The Wall; and Osha just stole the equivalent of rubies or precious documents from Theon in the form of the living Stark boys. GIRLS!!! ARGGG!!!

Mad Men (pt. 2) is soon to come.



photos courtesy of HBO