WINDMILL WISHES AND VENISON DREAMS
For somebody whose catchphrase is "you know nothing," Ygritte sure is stupid. She doesn't know what a castle looks like, she doesn't know her people's history of failure, and she has no CLUE that Jerkson Wargman has a crush on her. The only thing more awkward than Orell's profession of love is Tormund Giantsbane's explicit sex ed lesson. It's almost identical to the one Louis C.K.'s father gives him in "Bully," an episode from the first season. Plus they sort of look alike, so my brain has already streamlined them into one television event.
HIS GIRL SHAEDAY
Bronn is pretty sure Tyrion can make this whole forced marriage thing work. Sansa's pretty, after all, and it's not like she's pre-adolescent. And Shae's been Tyrion's secret prostitute for a while now, so it's not like that necessarily has to stop. Shae, however, disagrees. When he gives her a gold chain (like a slave would wear (but gold)), she tries to make sure she understands the scenario: she'll clean up after Sansa and pleasure Tyrion whenever he wants until he's sick of her, and then she'll be thrown out on her ass? When she puts it that way, it doesn't sound great. But that's been their arrangement up until now, so I'm not sure what the big deal is. Shae is generally pretty accepting of her shitty circumstances. But she couldn't accept it if Tywin had their future children murdered, so I get it.
SOMEBODY CALL LOUIE'S DAD FOR THIS KID
Boy oh boy, is Sansa young. Like I said, she's not pre-adolescent, but she's more naive than a bucket of dandelions. Margaery tries to explain how different types of men make for different types of lovers, but Sansa's eyes never quite light up in understanding. "LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY," Margaery enunciates carefully, "TYRION'S SHORT. MAYBE HIS HEAD LINES UP WITH YOUR VAGINA. GET IT? STOMP ONCE FOR 'YES.'" In the end Sansa seems vaguely convinced. If her mom taught her that, it's probably right.
I can't wait for Arya to become an assassin, mostly because she's just been captured by the Hound in the woods while running away from the Brotherhood. Her moment of anger has led to her kidnapping, but on the plus side, I'm like 65% sure he won't hurt her. Like 60% sure.
GRANDPAPA KNOWS BEST
Tywin visits Joffrey on the throne to account for the small council meetings he's been holding in the Tower of the Hand. It's the first time we've seen them together, and Tywin stands hovering above the Brat King in a pleasantly controlling way. No slaps occur, but he does make Joffrey look stupid for worrying about teeny, nonexistent dragons halfway around the world.
SPEAKING OF DRAGONS
Daenerys is ready to burn Yunkai to the ground, nevermind the fact that it's so old, it was old when dragons were first born in Old Valyria. I guess she's not fulfilled by just winning back the iron throne - she has to free all the slaves while she's at it. OH, we got another Abe Lincoln over here, OH! Her ever growing list of epithets is phenomenal:
I noticed that Ygritte's curiosity about armies marching to the beat of a drum also applies to the Yunkish representative who meets with Dany. His slave-lifted carry-box follows a drummer through lines and lines of Unsullied soldiers. Why does he have a drummer? To intimidate a fireproof dragonmother?
BEARMATCH: THE BEARENING
Upon Jaime's release from the Bolton camp at Harrenhal, he realizes that leaving Brienne behind means leaving her to a night of certain rape and violence. So Old No-Hand forces his chaperone to turn back and rescue his partner, who is currently fighting a gigantic bear in a pit with only a wooden sword. For the first time, Jaime uses his wits to leverage his way out of trouble instead of stabbing his way out. He really seems like Tyrion's brother when he finagles his way out of a throng of angry Boltons using only words, Brienne in tow. Cutting it close!
ODDS 'N' ENDS
- Melisandre breaks the news that Gendry is King Robert's bastard, and Gendry's like "whoaoaoaoaoaoaoa zzzzz I fell asleep." Did you know Melisandre was born into slavehood? YET ANOTHER SLAVE TO ADD TO THE MOTIF!
- Theon's torturer knows some freaky sadistic girls who are more than willing to trick Theon into getting a boner so it can get cut off with a hook knife. Maybe it's not so bad. Maybe he'll just do something weird to his Charlie Browns and leave the Linus alone? Oh no wait. Wait wait wait. I know what's going on. We're in Purgatory! And this is Lost still! That explains everything in a satisfying yet logical way!!
- Osha's boyfriend became a Wight and tried to kill her once, so that explains her short temper. Plus she's starting to look a lot like a dirty, wild-eyebrowed Justine Bateman.
- MTV VJ Julissa Robbwife is pregnant. GET CRAZY!!
photos courtesy HBO, Louie, and xfinity