Game of Thrones Recap: That's "The Climb!"

I've been watching a lot of Arrested lately, and it's coloring my perception of every other show. For instance, when Ygritte tells Jon Snow that she'll chop off his dick and wear it around her neck, I thought momentarily of Jaime wearing his own hand around his neck, then I spent thirty full minutes thinking about Buster's hand and how Game of Thrones just did such a good AD callback. (Jon even says "take my hand!" at one point!) Then Cersei reminded me of Lucille a little bit and Loras reminded me of Tobias ("It's more of a brooch, really") and I kept thinking about Arrested for thirty more minutes. Only 20 more days, guys!!!

JON & THE WALL (or, HAND-HOOKS)
Jon's climbing the Wall with Ygritte, RedHead, and Wargy. It's a treacherous adventure, icy wind cutting up their faces 400 feet in the air. At one point, Ygritte's pick splits a large chunk of ice right off the Wall, sending her and Jon plummeting. The warg wastes no time in cutting them off his rope, and Jon just barely survives and saves Ygritte. When they're all on top of the Wall, the two of them survey the vista. I'm like "kill the warg, though, right?" What the hold up is?

THE R'HLLOR REUNION (or, FAMILY LOVE R'HLLOR!)
Melisandre finds the Brotherhood without Banners (even though the Mountain never could) and Gendry, specifically (even though the official story is that Gendry's dead). She greets her fellow Fire God devotees and seems surprised that Beric could be resurrected 6 times. How is she surprised? Melisandre drank poison once. Wasn't that the same sort of thing?

After her goons seize Gendry for this blood ritual, Arya confronts the red priestess. She's still too little to be a real threat, but Melisandre sees many many murders in Arya's future. And they'll meet again, she says. Good. I can't wait for Arya to become an awesome little assassin who kills dumb ladies like this one.

THEON'S FINGER WILL NEVER BE THE SAME (or, I'M A MONSTERRRR!!!)
Theon's pint-sized torturer goes to town on his little finger (Littlefinger!) while answering questions about Theon's situation. Naturally, he's lying about all the answers, so now Theon knows less than ever before. He also has less finger-skin than ever before. Check out how many times the "flayed man" shape shows up in the episode:

What's going on there? We might as well bundle Jaime and Brienne into this section, too, because they have something else in common with Theon's torture scene: they drink wine that Lord Bolton won't drink while Theon's torturer pours out water Theon wants to drink. What's with all the non-drinking and the flayed man shapes? No rest for the weary? No water for the suffering, nor wine for the untrustworthy?

EDMURE'S GETTING MARRIED (or, HER?)
To fix Robb's mistake and regain access to Walder Frey's bridge, Edmure Tully must marry a Frey girl. He's understandably upset, and he wants to at least pick out the prettiest one. Robb hypocrites all over him and acts like that's totally unreasonable. Remember when Robb wanted to pick out the prettiest one? And then when he ditched the whole thing to marry some pretty third party? Nobody else seems to remember that.

SANSA'S GETTING MARRIED TOO! (or, I'VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE)
Sansa tearfully watches a ship sail out of the bay, and I can't tell if it's Littlefinger's or Loras's, but either way, she knows her fate is with Tyrion now. Tywin has convinced Lady Olenna to marry Cersei to Loras by threatening him with Kingsguard status, thereby keeping him from procreating (like he would've anyway) and ending the Tyrell line. Poor Sansa has been thrown from one chess player to another so many times, she has no way to orient herself anymore. But at least she's faring better than Ros, whom Littlefinger has finally given to his interested "friend." And we all thought Margaery had curbed Joffrey's tendencies...

 

photos courtesy HBO