OL' HOUNDY AIN'T SO BAD
In tenth grade, my English teacher made us a deal: if you wanted to throw trash into the trashcan instead of walking it over, you could do it, but there were consequences. If you made it, you got candy! If you didn't, you got detention. The Hound gives Arya a similar offer when she tries to smash his head in, either knowing she'll chicken out or hoping for a quick death. The Cleganes' "second son" (after the Mountain, get it?!) assures her that he doesn't want to hurt her - he just wants that sweet cashola from her family. I like this guy. If he didn't kill Arya's friend and Sansa's direwolf, he could be my favorite.
OL' SHORTSTACK AIN'T SO BAD
Tyrion (another "second son") has it pretty rough. Despite his reassurances, his young bride quietly suspects him of being yet another prison guard. His nephew-King cruelly takes away the stepstool for the cloaking ritual at his own wedding. He tries to drown his sorrows in wine, but his father sneaks up on him and orders him to stop drinking so he can put a baby in Sansa to-NIGHT. Let the guy have his booze, Pop!! He's the self-proclaimed "god of tits and wine" - I'm pretty sure he can burn a candle at both ends.
Back in the room, Tyrion and Sansa's wedding night plays out like a lost scene from Dudley Moore's Arthur. "'Ow old ah you ag-(hic)-again? (hic) FOUR'EEN?? Blimey..." He passes out, opting not to take Sansa's virginity. But Joffrey mentioned some prima nocta shit earlier, so I'm not sure we're out of the woods yet. (We are, thank Dudley.)
THE OL' TYRELLS AIN'T SO BAD
But Cersei sure thinks they are. She individually burns both siblings, first Margaery and then Loras, and it stings. First she tells Margaery an anecdote about the last family to believe they were as important and monied as the Lannisters (they were all killed), adding:
And then when Loras tries to share a story, she's just NOT HAVING IT:
Dis bitch is for real. Probably because she wishes she were the family's "second son."
OL' WITCHYBOOBS AIN'T SO BAD
For someone who compares what she's about to do to slaughtering a lamb, Melisandre actually tones her act down this time around. Collecting Gendry's blood for Stannis's (yet another "second son") eventual victory, she treats the kid to wine and sex (Tyrion's favorite things) beforehand. Sure, it's gross that she puts a leech on his deumer, but hey, considering what happened at the end of Theon's parallel scene last week, I'd take a leech on the deumer any day of the week. The fact that they only take a small amount of blood from Gendry is astounding. I was like, "yo, rest in peace" to the kid the second Melisandre got him on that horse cart.
I only have one issue with Melisandre's methods: she talked about "seeing the blade" as something that corrupts the blood of the lamb. Why is it ok for Gendry to realize she's tying up his hands and ankles before she bleeds him? He seems pretty panicky, that's all I'm saying.
OL' BOOKREADER AIN'T SO BAD
Good God I love Davos Seaworth.
OL' HOTTIE LONGHAIR AIN'T SO BAD
Daenerys parleys with the three leaders of Yunkai's mercenary army (the actual Second Sons) with a fake smile plastered on her face. The main commander (Mero, the Titan's Bastard? who is this Titan and how can I find out more about him?) is somehow even ruder than Watto Slaveguy. It's all butt-licking and vagina-smelling with him. He's got the sexual vocabulary of Rob Delaney with none of the heart. Long story short, we're all sick of him.
Daario, the long-(blue)-haired lieutenant, is chosen to sneak up on Dany and kill her in her bath. Yet again, someone doesn't see it coming - but this time it's Mero and the other guy. Dumping their heads on her bathmat, Daario declares his love for the beautiful dragonmother/chainbreaker/etc. The Second Sons will be loyal to her cause, I guess until he finds something more beautiful to fight for, at which point the dragons can probably change his mind. This is probably the last time we'll be seeing Daenerys naked, after all that Breakfast at Tiffany's hubbub, so say goodbye to THESE, MICHAEL.
GET YOUR FUCKING ACT TOGETHER, SAMWELL
Huddling in a cold shack above The Wall, Samwell tries to come up with a name for Gilly's baby. Hundreds of crows collect outside, announcing the arrival of one of the Others, and somehow, MIRACULOUSLY, Samwell manages to kill it with a dragonglass dagger. Then he promptly leaves it behind as he runs away. OH MY GOD, BUDDY, OH MY FREAKING GOD. PICK UP THE WEAPON THAT HAS MAGICAL PROPERTIES THAT YOU JUST WITNESSED FIRST-HAND, PLEASE, YOU STUPID MORON.
photos courtesy HBO