Laura's Still On Top

America's Next Top Model: The Cycle 13 Finale.

Here are my thoughts on the two finalists:

1. Nicole is a Colorado artist with a bloody eyeball that she BRAGS about and a "subdued personality." Naturally, she's going to win.

2. Laura has everything going for her - vivacity, charm, an accent that just won't quit, and phenomenal photographability. But she wears homemade clothes in judging, so of course she's going to lose.

Thoughts from the beginning of the episode:

• There's finally going to be an Erin-free episode!
• Has anyone ever figured out if the theme song background singing says "NA nana nana na" or "MODel model model"?
• Listening to Nicole and Laura try to give usable dialogue for the editors is like watching two kindergarteners having the first conversation of their entire lives. "I want to win." "Me, too."
  

Thoughts from the Challenge:

• Probably the best cycle 13 moment is when Nicole and Laura are trying to memorize lines, and as dyslexic Laura struggles in the background, we see Nicole in front, proudly biting her lip and smiling as if to say "YES! Fully memorized. Laura's never gonna know what hit her."
• The girls shoot a Covergirl commercial wherein they play two friends hiking in Hawaii with makeup. I wish I could see these commercials while I'm watching regular tv.
  
• Bringing Teyona back is like a slap in the face. Can't we all agree to forget?
• Classic Nigel: As soon as Jay Manuel introduces him as the photographer, Nigel hulks towards the girls and slurs "HIII, LADIES."
• Nicole on set, giddily: "I'm not wearing sunscreen and I don't care!!!"
• Nigel to Laura, during her shoot: "Just think of your emotional inspiration. What inspires you?" Laura: "Milkshakes."

Thoughts on the Time Between The Challenge and the Runway:

• As Nicole rubbernecks to see Laura's runway walk across the bathroom, her VO says, "It's hard because we ARE friends...but that has to end now."

Thoughts on the Runway:

• Nope, no Erin-free episode in the entire season. Maybe next time, Becky.
• Beautiful, not only do the last six contestants walk in the show, but Eddie Murphy's daughter Bria does, too. Why wasn't she on Top Model?
• The Walks: Nicole refuses to do any walk besides the Cowboy-with-bruised-testicles. Laura always needs a little bit more attitude. Laura wins the runway, but not before writhing in gales of wind and glitter with her former co-contestants in the middle of the catwalk. This ought to go over well with the Parents Association of Improper TV That I Watch.
• TYRA TREND, CYCLE 13: She's obsessed with scarves and bleached eyebrows. Next cycle prediction: she'll be obsessed with tie-dye and dreadlocks...in my wildest dreams.
  

Thoughts on Final Judging:

• Nicole says that she wants to win because, "it would be the biggest bummer...to lose."
• Josh is still convinced that "Laura" is a character piece, and that win or lose, she'll end up like "Oi! That's alroight! Back to the outback where oi started!"
• ONE OF THE FEW INSTANCES WHERE TYRA IS COMPLETELY WRONG: Suggesting that Nicole's Clomp Clomp could be called a "signature walk." Come on, Tyra, don't do this!
• Classic Tyra, talking to Laura: "Hold on, hold on. Dyslexia who?"
• During deliberation, Miss J sits there with two huge shoulder poofs and somehow still manages to ask if Nicole can "control her shoulders." Really.
• Then Miss J quickly follows up with a clever, implicit suggestion that America's First Petite Top Model will actually be his penis. Take that, cutting room floor!
• Tyra's consolation speech to Laura was like watching two kindergarteners break up for the first time of their entire lives. "You are pretty." "I really wanted to win."
  

In conclusion, clearly Laura should have won. Actually, I would place it like this: Laura gets first place, and Tyra and Nicole share second. Miss J can have third.

And don't forget, we now have two champion Nicoles to keep straight. Will the next cycle be a Championship cycle, wherein each winner returns to compete against the rest of the winners?! I WOULD PRODUCE THAT MYSELF.