The Return Of Gossip Girl: Blair Waldorf's Princely Mix-Up

It seems like just last week that Gossip Girl went to Paris for the summer. What on earth was I doing for the past three months that made the time go by so quickly? Watching three versions of Top Chef, sure. Going to work e v e r y d a y, yes. Swimming in a pool, once or twice. Yet I remain stumped. Oh God, maybe 25 is one of those checkpoints where life starts going twice as fast as soon as you hit it. Oh no!

While I still have a brain, I'll use it to watch GG:

• One of the first shots of the episode is Serena sketching things and people in Paris. YEAH RIGHT HA HA!
• Both Blair and Lily openly discuss the fact that Serena will "go on a date with" anything that moves. It's inevitable - this will be the season where Blair finally joins the Lily/Eric Sisterhood!
• Lily on parenting infants: "I'm glad that's not us. Imagine, starting all over again with diapers and bottles and spit-up." Oh, so she's going to get pregnant, duh.
  
• Dan is looking exactly like Rufus these days. Is that what becoming a father does to you? How soon will Eric start to morph? That is, if he still considers Dan his big bro?
• Nate describes his lost summer as though it's different from any of the rest of his life. "I never have to talk about anything or eat alone! And there are tons of girls!"
  
• Lily! Knees together! Even in pants! I thought that was the UES's motto!
• Three chinese food boxes does not a hoarder make, Vanessa. Did she get prissier in Haiti? I didn't think that would be possible, but I usually don't think Vanessa is possible.
• PLEASE HIRE A SOUND MIXER SO THE MUSIC DOESN'T MAKE ME GO DEAF ANYMORE
• Looking just like "It's Dick" from Rules of Attraction, Nate saunters into a restaurant and sits right next to some 35-year-old reading The House of Mirth. It certainly sounds like a match made in heaven. Later on we find out she's a stalker for real, but hey, she was already reading a book about "Lily Bart." C'mon.
• Prince or no, it's still entirely possible that Serena hired him to keep good ol' Blair company.
• "Spotted: B and S. Chic and cheerful up on Boulevard Haussmann. They dallied at department stores and stayed a while at Tally Weijl. Down on the Rue Ste. Honore, they courted couture at the Palais-Royale and found the perfect outfits to BA SH the competition. Then they headed to the Golden Triangle, where Montaigne meets Georges Cinq and luxury goods are the opiate of choice." Listening to that made Josh want to die.
• Blair: "Those brown boots would look amazing on you. Brown! What did you want to tell me about Brown?" Brava, entire writing staff!
• Georgina is on the phone with someone named Boris. Of couris!
• Family Man Rufus says something like "your family, not ours" to his wife Lily. Whatta mighty mighty good man!
• After Blair storms out of dinner, it's great that Serena's like, "Soooo, who wants a bite of her dessert?" But I mean, c'mon. Serena. More like "Soooo, who wants to chew up a bite of her dessert and then discreetly spit it out into the toilet later on?"
• Hahaha, every single person tells Georgina that announcing the new baby (there's a new baby!) at the big Fashion's Night Out party is gauche. Every person. And Georgina's just standing there like "Yeah I know" like Andy from Little Britain. PS was the baby hanging out on a bench outside while Georgina was babylessly guzzling a mimosa and making her intro speech?
• Look at Lily's face after she had to tell Rufus and Dan to leave the room full of company to discuss this whole business:
• We heard about it all summer, and it just happened. Ya got pushed in a fountain, Serena!
• Dan Humphrey's IQ allows him to write tons of hit plays about the homeless but will not allow him to consider taking a paternity test after Liar McPsycho tells him he gave her a baby? Now I get it! PS, he had a "scare" with Serena? Did we see that? How did Gossip Girl miss that story?
• Somehow I was taken completely off guard when the prince lets the identity switch out of the bag. Two decades of tv-watching down the drain.
• Vanessa leaves a message for Dan with Georgina, then tells Georgina she also left Dan a voicemail. Georgina: "You know me too well, friend[o]."
• YES!!!! Georgina dumping the baby on Dan means we get to hang out with a baby and don't have to keep seeing Georgina! Three Men and a Baby, here we come! Possible new titles for Gossip Girl:

1. Six Entitled Teens and a Baby
2. Rufus Marner
3. Baby's Day Uptown
4. Silver Spoons
5. The Infant Wears Prada
6. Googoo Gaga

• Blair is holding "Be" magazine. Because her nickname is "B."
• Blair: "They say it's a broken heart." Josh: "Who's they?" Colin: "Gossip Girl."
• HAHAHA the House of Mirth lady is named Juliet Sharp! That gives her at least a 4-week arc. What a name. PS, she has a tagging gun so she can put price tags back on her expensive clothes. What a brilliant investment, really.
• I had a hard time understanding this Chuck-Blonde Lady montage. Did she remove the bullet herself? Do they have a sort of Trading Places relationship? (Jamie Lee Curtis's character's name is Ophelia? ?????? I never knew that.)
• Chuck's new name is Henry Francis, if I heard right. Isn't that Betty Draper's new husband's name? We are all faking. We are all fakers. This is American tv for you.

What an episode. Fashion's Night Out was there, and Paris, and a baby was there, too! I've been thinking about how this season will probably unfold, and I have a few ideas:

Gossip Girl Season 4 Precap:

• OBVIOUSLY LILY IS PREGNANT
• Blair's prince meets a pauper named Henry Francis and decides to switch places with him to see how the other half lives. This is how Chuck Bass regains an empire.
• Turns out Georgina stole Dorota's baby. That feels miserable to type, even in jest.
• Vanessa dresses stupidly for once.
• Serena + Dan + a baby. This is how their own parents are still like 40, right? You copulate when you are 20, that is the law. Nothing can keep Rufus from having great-great grandchildren and still playing gigs at 80!
• Uncle Jack comes back for Serena! He is allergic to babies, however. It's not too tense a storyline.
• However, Chuck's mom isn't allergic to babies at all! She takes the baby and the gang has to band together to find it. Luckily, Chuck's mom is only trying to get all the friends in one place - the loft in Brooklyn of course - so they can have a party and all be friends again. What a great idea!