DUH: Gossip Girl Ends (Spoiler Filled!)

Obviously Dan was Gossip Girl because who ELSE would notice that loser long enough to nickname him "Lonely Boy?"

Congratulations on all the weddings, guys.

photos courtesy of cwtv.com

TV Is Coming Back, OR Finally, A Reason To Live Again

TV came back last night, THANK GOD. We're back.

NBC premiered new seasons of Up All Night, The Office, and Parks & Rec after a Thursday night installment of "Weekend Update." Here is what I thought of all of them, followed by a list of other tv shows I'm excited to start watching again:

Up All Night:
I've heard such great things about this show, but somehow I only watched 2 or 3 episodes of its first season. That baby's real cute. Maya Rudolph is funny but her character continues to waver between Oprah and Someone Less Powerful. Will Arnett looks thin, possibly from the stress of his then-crumbling marriage. Writing that makes me want to stop writing right now and go to my bed to listen to Carole King and let the rain pour down outside my window. This might be all I can handle. But let me quickly say that I like the addition of the brother, played by Luka Jones of the ill-fated Best Friends Forever, which I was really getting used to and which I still miss.

PS My roommate Colin just reminded me that the funniest part of the episode was Maya Rudolph kissing all those babies on the playground. I forgot and I agree wholeheartedly!!

The Office:
Kelly & Ryan are gone, and Clark Duke & some dude named Plop have taken their place. Clark (Dwight Jr) is working out well for me. I'm pleased with the idea that Jim might leave the company for a better career. I don't understand why Catherine Tate couldn't sue the company for establishing such a hostile work environment. They surround her with recycling bins, and apparently they purchase extra recycling bins to make a full line around her. There are like 6 of them.

PARKS & RECREATION!!!:
I can't believe Parks & Rec is back!!! It might be time to ask myself if this is my favorite show. Well? Is it? Is it, Miss Beck? Whatcha thinkin? STOP CODDLING ME IT'S MY FAVORITE SHOW AND I ADMIT IT FREELY! I love all of them! This morning I was listening to Girl on Guy, the Aisha Tyler podcast, and she was interviewing Retta (ie Donna ie TREAT Yoself ie MY BENZ!!!). I love everything about this show. The cast is amazing, the setting feels like home, and the storylines are usually effortless.

But what was with Ron Swanson ruining this employee appreciation picnic? Is this the Ron we know and love? The one who won a burger contest by slapping plain ground beef on a grill? Why would he buy frozen meat and then threaten to season it for 5 hours? What's this pig about? Wouldn't he love picnics because there's meat and you don't have to go into the office? Also, why is Chris Traeger telling him how to run the Parks & Rec office? Was Ron not running the department for the previous 4 seasons? Why are Ann and Tom living together? Why has that lasted for more than one season? Where's Kathryn Hahn???

(all above photos courtesy of NBC.com)

It was a great night, everybody. And now for the rest of the shows I'm looking forward to this fall:

Revolution (NBC Mondays at 10pm): I guess it already started this week and it's been on Hulu for a while. Also I guess I'm not really that excited about it. JJ, I love you because you are my uncle and because of the first two seasons of Lost. But by now I know better than to jump into a new show of yours. I'll be wading into this one.

How I Met Your Mother (CBS Mon 9/24 at 8pm): END THIS. END IT WELL AND END IT NOW. PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME LOOK AS FOOLISH AS UNCLE JJ DID.

2 Broke Girls (hahahahahahahahah JK! It sucks so much!!! haha!)

New Girl (Fox Tues 9/25 at 8pm): The more time I spend away from it, the more I'm unsure about its enjoyment factor. Is it too frou-frou? Don't I still wish Damon Wayans Jr were on it? Is it all just Schmidt in a fat suit? Becky, cut it out. You know you enjoyed it last season. You even wrote a You-Should-Watch article about it. You like it. Just wait 'til Tuesday. You'll see.

Hey, 'TIL TUESDAY!!

The Mindy Project (Fox Tues 9/25 at 9:30pm): Same deal as Revolution but with less suspicion. But I really want Mindy Kaling to succeed as a writer and a fashion plate and a household name so clearly we've got a lot riding on this.

Modern Family (ABC Weds 9/26 at 9pm): What a great show. I wrote a spec for it a few years ago called "Luke the Ladies' Man." I think it would have gone over very well.

UPDATE: I FORGOT KEY & PEELE! (Comedy Central Weds 9/26 at 10:30pm) Key & Peele surprised me so much last year. I went from "Oh, 2 dudes from MadTV? Neat." to "OH, KEY AND PEELE! You make me laugh I love you!!!" Man they're great. One half-Jew watching two half-black guys? Match made in heaven.

Bob's Burgers (Fox Sun 9/30 at 8:30pm): FINALLY! I've watched every episode from season 1 like 90 times now and Hulu's being kind of greedy with the Plus episodes. I just want to watch more of this all the time.

courtesy SeriousEats.com

  
Dexter (Showtime Sun 9/30 9pm): Kill Deb! Or make her start killing people!

Homeland (Showtime Sun 9/30 10pm): YES YES YES YES YES YES YES KOOKY JAZZ MANDY PATINKIN YES YES YES YES

30 Rock (NBC Thurs 10/4 8pm): How will they wrap up the many loves of Liz Lemon? All my days I've been waiting for you to come back home in the moonlight of New York City!

Gossip Girl (CW Mon 10/9 at 9pm): How will they wrap up the many incestuous teenage affairs of the insanely über-rich? Marry one of them off to Ryan Reynolds I guess. The rest lose everything in one last Carter Baizen poker game. Truly a lost weekend, indeed.

The Walking Dead (AMC Sun 10/14 at 9pm): YES YES YES DON'T WASTE TIME FINDING LOST CHILDREN JUST GO TO THE PRISON AND MAKE A NEW LIFE YES YES YES ZOMBIES YES

American Horror Story: Asylum (FX Weds 10/17 at 10pm): I can't wait to see all the new freaky deaky stuff. It's going to be weird. But I read somewhere that maybe we shouldn't be demonizing the mentally ill so much anymore, and I agree.

Community (NBC Thurs 10/19 at 8:30pm): FINALLY! What will the show look like without Dan Harmon? Well one thing's for sure, now Chevy Chase has no reason to complain about anything. Ha-ha he will complain.

Don't Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23 (ABC Tues 10/23 at 9:30pm): We are cruising toward a Dawson's Creek reunion, and BONUS, now that I've seen season 2 of Breaking Bad I feel like I know Krysten Ritter even better. The great thing about this show is that intertextuality really enriches it. The bad thing about this show is that Dreama Walker's eyes are distractingly huge. Costume Department Quick Fix: slap some glasses on it.

TV, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK!!!

courtesy eonline.com

Gossip Girl Recap "Shattered Bass"

Guy fight!!!!!

Very unfortunately for all of us, the CW photo bank doesn't seem to have any pictures of Blair's Roman Holiday dream. For if it did, we might all slip into moped crash daydreams where princes turn into Chucks, and the world might end. I can see your logic now, television website.

And now for a chapterized look at the goings-on of the UES Elite:

She's Losing Her Mind! And I'm Reaping All the Benefits.

• Looks like Cousin Charlie is crazier than an entire Ostroff Center's worth of debutantes. First she's dumping pills IN THE LIVING ROOM TRASH CAN, then she's stealing dresses and cutting out tags left and right, then finally, she's luring Dan into the office of a headmistress that she's never even HEARD of in order to complete her insane transformation into Cousin Serena. Sheesh, all Georgina did was have a baby. Pace yourself, Cousin!

• When did Charlie start dating Dan in the first place? I guess we're left to assume that it was right after Dan slammed that door in Vanessa's face last week. Bad news, Sideburns, but just because you kick out your jerk friend doesn't mean that everything's fixed and that now nothing stands in the way of dating your step-sister/ex-girlfriend's cousin. Unless, wait, does it?

• So I guess Cousin Charlie and Dan are sharing a postcoital morning as they eat 1,000 pounds of candy. The look on Dan's face signifies intense regret/low-grade sugar poisoning.

"I'm CRAZY for jellybeans, Dan."

• It's around here that Cousin Charlie says something about how sour patch kids and books used to be her only friends, particularly Flowers in the Attic. Ha-ha, a hilarious nod to a book about not only incest but torturous family imprisonment. Next thing you know, we'll find out her last name is Fritzl! And bad news, Cousin: sour patch kids cause mouth blisters and juvenile CRAZINESS.

• The cousins have the awkwardest talk of all time about dating Dan until Serena finds out Charlie hasn't gotten access to her trust fund yet. Then she springs into action, calling several bank representatives and money polishers on her behalf. "You're my fairy godcousin! HEEE HEE HAW HAW HAW HUHYUCK!" says Cousin Charlie.

• Thank god for all those mirror reflections of Charlie - otherwise we would have had no other way to realize that she's A CRAZY PERSON. And thank god we all took those film symbolism classes together. 

• This whole golden dress mix-em-up nightmare is pretty ballsy for Cousin Charlie, but then again, it's only her way of marking new territory. It is the same reason Dan smells like pee these days.

• AAAAAAAAAAAND then she tells Dan to call her "Serena" while they're going at it in the Headmistress's office. Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is one thing Vanessa would never do.

• At the very end, Vanessa shows up and is like "Deal with it, I'm already here" to Serena. They discuss Cousin Charlie's diabolical schemes until Rufus wanders in going "does anyone know why the hell this kid isn't taking her pills?!" Rufus, Vanessa, and Serena: The unlikeliest crime fighting trio since Flowers in the Attic!

Jack Bass is Back...Jass?

• Nate enters the apartment, sets his purse down on the pool table, and lets out a SHRIEK when he sees Uncle Jack talking to Raina Bigglesworth. He looks like he just ran into a screen door, and it's with good reason: Unkie Jack is not to be trusted with your girlfriend.

• I missed the reason Jack is back in town, but it's clear that he's interested in screwing over Chuck, Montel Thorpe, or a combination thereof. In the end, he only screws over Montel. And when I say that, I mean "obtains evidence that shows Montel murdering his own wife and trying to blackmail a 19-year-old into believing his own father did it." GOTCHA!

Two best friends shadowbox as an Uncle looks on.

• Also, Uncle Jack is amazing in the kitchen as Chuck and Nate try to interrogate Montel. "All you have in the fridge is olives and hallucinogenic mushrooms. I gotta get room service!!!"

• Jack should clearly date/marry Raina and they should terrorize the UES forever.

The Vitamin Water Bride

• Blair's engaged, and there's going to be a party. So naturally she wears the ugliest dress of all time, complete with tutu-sleeves, and has the caterers make blintzes. Oh brother, Blair. The only good decision of your entire life was declining to ruin your mother's relationship with Cyrus Rose, who is a masterpiece. And he called Blair a Princess Bride!

• Serena apologizes to Blair for her last-week shenanigans like so: "Blair, I'm sorry I sent those blasts to Louis's mother, but everything worked out great, so can we just enjoy it and move on please?" Blair! Everything worked out great! So just enjoy it and move on! Please!!!!!!!

• Blair goes to see Chuck in person like 14 times this episode, and Prince Louis's mother knows about every one of them. She probably wouldn't have been able to know about it if Blair merely TEXTED Chuck the exact same news, but then Gossip Girl would become a show about texting and email blasts and smart phones. Wait. Wait.

Chuck secretly appraises the value of Blair's new engagement ring.

• "Princess Sophie, welcome to our tasteful and appropriate home!" slurs Lady Eleanor, the perpetually sauced.

• Dan shows up at Blair's engagement party (when Serena first notices the golden dress mix-em-up), but since they're suddenly not friends at all anymore, there's no reason for him to be there. I wish there had been some reason for him to be there. On the plus side, when each  person at that party hears about Chuck getting abducted to Ostroff or wherever, they're all like "Good, he should be in rehab." 

• Bad news Blairs: at the end of the episode, it's not Chuck she's meeting on the roof. It's MONTEL! And you just know he's going to throw her! The Deroofination of Monaco!

All photos courtesy of CWtv.com

Gossip Girl Recap "The Princesses & The Frog"

Or, "Rich Kids & What's Been Going On With Them for the Past Three Weeks, Like for Instance Did They Know About the Royal Wedding or Osama bin Laden?"

The Upper East Side has had a ridiculous few weeks: Blair and Dan (Humpdorf) very nearly opened a hellmouth by kissing each other. Lily's under house arrest. Serena's hiding her cleavage for some reason. And last but always least, Vanessa is skulking around bookstores dressed like Depressed Navajo Cyndi Lauper, looking for more ways to ruin things. Oh, AND THERE'S A NEW COUSIN!!

One Pair of Matching Bookends, Different as Night & Day (Identical Cousins!)

• A few weeks ago, we met Serena's country-mouse cousin Charlie when she ran away from suburbia to seek family fortune. Serena immediately falls in love with her, and they go shopping FOREVER. With cousins, sometimes things just fall right into place. Things like going shopping!!!
• Charlie's staying on the UES despite her mother's return to I don't know, Florida or something. Now officially a resident, Charlie is the newest member of the gang.  I'm honestly shocked that they don't ship her down to the loft immediately and be like "We prefer...a buffer system for new people. You understand."
• HOWEVER, during last night's episode, things got spicy: Vanessa creeps up on Charlie at a bookstore, but only to let her know that (a) she CAN and (b) she wants Dan not to end up with Blair, who stars as Satan in Vanessa's Inferno every night in her dreams. Charlie's like "Ok, I'm glad we're such fast friends!" but then does one of those weird Gossip Girl things where she sets up a very fancy party but it's socially WRONG but it's ok that she's humiliated because it was all just a scheme to get Dan. You know, just one of those weird things.
• And so Charlie pursues Dan like crazy, even though she knows from experience that Serena doesn't like other people dating him. Nevertheless, Charlie goes all out, quoting an African click language during afternoon coffee with him. Next thing you know she'll be suggesting kissing practice and a Godard triple-feature. He's a man of worldly tastes, after all.
• I guess this whole Charlie thing is going in one of two potential directions: Either she's a new bad guy that will have to be taken down by the gang in an awkward intra-family ploy, OR she's a new only-mean-to-Vanessa bad guy who will dole out the justice Barbie Dreds so deserves. As in, Vanessa may have thought Blair was bad, but at least Blair has other things to focus on besides systematically dismantling her life. Welcome, Charlie!

Prince Louis Grimaldi of Monaco, Fake Grandson of Grace Kelly

• The Humpdorf Kiss laid down a few new truths: Blair doesn't like Dan at all, but maybe Dan likes her. The good news is that it truly doesn't matter who Dan likes - that never affects anything about the show. So we're in the clear!
• Blair thinks she might want Chuck instead, but since he's falling apart about Raina's mom's fire-murder, he's back to his old coke 'n' Dewars breakfast routine. Not a good match for American royalty such as Blair, at least not in public.
• And so there is no one left but Prince Louis, who has patiently waited 7 months for this opportunity to give Blair back the shoe she left behind at the Louvre. BUT OH NO, WAIT. His mom, Princess Sophie, does not approve of Blair's Fat American Indiscretions. It seems some leggy blonde has sent her print-outs of Gossip Girl's blog archives. Blast! (literally, like a GG blast)
  
• Not to mention, Chuck basically drunk-drives himself through the cocktail party where Blair has one opportunity to impress Princess Sophie. Sloppy Chuck, what are you doing here? I thought we left you on the roof right after your dad died and you did a tap dance up there on the ledge.
• This cocktail party, by the way, smacks of Blair and Chuck's favorite scheme: Invite a lower-class potential threat to a very fancy party and watch as the humiliation unfolds! Is someone playing this trick on Blair? Is Serena actually a complete mastermind of Blair psychology? Is this what happens when she covers up her decolletage for a few weeks in a row? Serena, your brains are showing!
• All chances ruined, Blair has no hope of becoming Princess of Monaco. But Louis proposes anyway and (it seems) is prepared to abdicate the throne...for a girl he's known for 5 days, the first 2 of which were particularly bitchy. IF YOU INSIST, PRINCE!

Chuck Noir, as done by Andrew McCarthy

• Wikipedia tells me that Andrew McCarthy, Jonathan Switcher HIMSELF, directed this episode. This is worth knowing because last night's Chuck plotline got a full-on Dutch Angle treatment. Chuck's life is now a hopelessly stark film noir, and he'll punch out windows to prove it. Slash do a lot more coke.
• He's trying to cover up the fact that it looks more and more likely that Bart Bass killed Raina's mother decades ago. There are a few things he's not considering: (a) no one cares anymore about what happened in Bart Bass's life, (b) no one assumes Chuck had anything to do with it anyways and (c) this makes it seem like Chuck actually cares what Raina thinks about anything. What would she do if she found out, bring him up on his father's criminal charges? Tell Nate to stop hanging out with him? Kill him? I think, in a way, Chuck wants all these things anyway.
• But that doesn't stop him from putting his fist through a VERY expensive window and accidentally cutting Blair's face with a teensy $1,000 shard of glass. Yes, cutting up Blair's face with glass seems like a much more reasonable option than revealing the totally inconsequential truth about Raina's mother's purported death. Business school be damned! Chuck never needed you! He's smart enough on his own!

Miscellany Delaney

• Maybe Fleur Delacour should come back from Paris and marry Prince Louis! Josh's friend Sarah brought that up and I think that could easily be the hugest stroke of brilliance this show has ever had. I will be waiting for that in the finale.
• Dan trying to let Charlie down easy is hilarious - he's clearly proud of his new allure, but he's also tripping over ottomans left and right just to escape the apartment before she arrives. "Study group!" he says with a plastered-on smile and terrified eyes as he somersaults over Eric. "It'll be ok!"
• While under house arrest, Lily finds that all her society friends are (not-so) secretly laughing at her. It's just like high school, but instead of arranging a multi-part take-down of Nate's bitchy mom, Lily just kicks everyone out of her house. Even the breast cancer fundraisers. "GET OUTTTTTTTTT," she bellows from behind the cops. Ah, to be middle-aged and fancy!

It looks like there are two more episodes left in the season. Let us hope that Blair's face heals, that Lily's ankle monitor breaks, that Charlie's plan works, that Rufus's band breaks up, that Chuck kills Raina in a fit of repetition, and that Vanessa gets trapped in her inferno forever.

"Empire of the Son" Gossip Girl Recap

It's a dark wintry night. Lily van der Woodsen Bass Humphrey is about to sign over her freedom and confess to a heinous crime. But how did we get to this emotional nadir? CUT TO 12 HOURS EARLIER...

SECRET HUMPDORFS

• 12 hours earlier, Blair is flirting with Dan for the whole episode and that for some reason makes Lily confess to her crime. Whuh?
• Honestly, that's the whole storyline for Blair and Dan this week. "We are flirting." "Are we flirting?" "My dad thinks we're a secret item." "We have to keep our flirting a secret." "And now we will kiss." The end. 
• However, there is a piece of Rufus Gold: "I saw you over there talking to Blair and I almost had a heart attack!" or something like that. Obviously Rufus would actually follow through and fake an entire heart attack if something like that did happen.

KID FINANCE GOES TO KIDD FINANCIAL

• Lily's looking through a newspaper article about Chuck's deal with Montel Thorpe's financial backers at the beginning of the day, but since I had no idea that their company was called "Kidd Financial," I assumed that it's just a thing to call someone "Kidd Financial" with 2 Ds if they're that financially savvy. Like wunderkind or something. For instance, you could've called Blair "Kidd Magazine" until last week when she ruined everything.
• So Montel gets back at Chuck by telling him Raina is hanging out with Nate a lot. The way Montel's using his daughter's sexuality feels a lot like the way Chuck sold Blair for a hotel last year. Thank God Raina is behind yet another curtain and can hear how monstrous her father is. And Nate's standing there with her like "Has anyone seen my bong?"
• I was pretty sure that this scenario would turn into Montel using Raina to drive a wedge between Chuck and his [male] best friend, thereby weakening Chuck and making it easier to hurt his company. It did not turn into that.
• Instead it turns into Montel being like "I know your daddy's dead, Chuck, but you should know: He set the fire that done kil't my wife." For as Dallasy as this whole scene is, this whopping secret deserves zero slow claps. Bc it's dumb.
• Eventually Serena's Dadwin comes back and tells everyone to brace for landing - Lily's probably going to jail for a while. (A) I doubt it, VDW and (B) why are you the only one who could possibly clue in the family to this possibility? Did you fly in from Geneva to deliver the news?

Meet the Ex-Con's Parents

• Someone's sending Lily orange prison jumpsuits, and we're all pretty sure it's Ben. Who else has access to prison jumpsuits? Think about it.
• But nope, it's his mom, who should've been played by Kristen Wiig for all the sighing and complaining she does throughout the episode: "We walked too far and now my legs hurt." "I'm lactose intolerant" (as Serena sets down a pizza).
• Ugh, oh God, Vanessa clomps back into everyone's lives by paying a visit to Lily. It seems she suspects Ben of having someone beaten in prison. I was under the impression that that's a pretty positive thing in prison, being able to have someone beaten. Like a Bar Mitzvah or something. Today you are a man who can have another man beat up a third man. Mazel Tov!
• So Serena yells at Ben for probably taking the affidavit that proves Lily's guilt, and he yells back at her for not trusting him. Classic trust argument at a fancy party. I really like the cover of "Blister in the Sun" that's playing in the background - a little research shows it's by Nouvelle Vague. There you go!
• BUT THE BEST PART IS! For whatever reason, Ben comes to his senses and realizes that this whole Serena thing is an attempt to relive his glory days of teaching, when nobody thought he was a child molester. And so it is for THIS reason that Lily turns herself in - to expunge his record and let him restart his teaching destiny. He better be freaking Robin Williams caliber.

The Kiss That No One Wanted

• Blair and Dan decide to not be friends anymore, and I'm ecstatic - not about the end of the friendship, but about the end of their potential for romance. But then she returns to his Brooklyn loft and they joke about actual plotlines (Blair Gold: "Only I get to joke about the hotel because it's still too soon"), and they can't help but kiss for God's sake. Right as Chuck and Serena are making their way over to them. GREAT I HOPE THEY WALK IN ON IT THAT OUGHTA BE SOMETHING.
• Now Dan and Blair have kissed and it froze on their kiss and I really don't want to puke but I might. Oh, barf.

And now we have to wait a month and a half for a new episode? Ridiculous! Here are my predictions for the rest of the season's surprises:

Springtime for Waldorf and Humperdink

• So I guess for Billy Baldwin to show up, he's probably going to be hanging around for a while. Maybe he's the one who diagnoses Lily's pregnancy for Pete's sake. SOMEBODY'S GOT TO!
• Blair and Dan stop kissing forever.
• Vanessa continues to style her ponytail like Serena and SWF's her way into Serena's friendship zone once S realizes that B is kissing Lonelyboy all the time in Brooklyn.
• Uncle Jack comes back and maybe the gang tricks him into doing battle royale with Billy Baldwin?
• I join the cast and they all start reading Becklectic, which means their lives are no longer scandalous or elite, just full of top model commentary.

"While You Weren't Sleeping" Gossip Girl Recap

Ironically, I was sleeping on Monday night instead of watching the newest Gossip Girl, so the episode title "While You Weren't Sleeping" applies neither to me nor to the show itself, in which no one was or wasn't particularly sleeping. But what a great movie reference!

Sick Birthday, Eric!

• In order to avoid doing a drug deal for Damien, Eric fakes sick on his 18th birthday. Limp and pale on the couch, he lets Lily take care of him by bringing over highballs and pashminas on a silver tray. I thought they were still mad at each other. Is this what rich-mad looks like?
• Aha! Eric admits he's faking sick by whispering his secret to Serena in the LOUDEST LOBBY IN THE WORLD. Seriously, the acoustics in there would intimidate the Hollywood Bowl. He's like "I (I...I) am trying (trying...trying) to avoid (void...void) a COKE DEAL! (COKE DEAL! COKE DEAL!)"
• And all at once, all of my roommates are like, "Please just let Lily deal with this herself, please. She's so rich, Eric. Please, just let her."
• Damien slinks into the party (which has a giant lollipops 'n' pinatas theme for some reason?) and crosses paths with Serena before he's had time to figure out what he would say if he saw her. So he tosses his head behind his shoulder and mumbles "mmmmgreat party" to her, but she probably doesn't hear it. Mmmmmnice one, Dame. Nnnnngreat work.

 "You guys can deal with this while I go carbo-load downstairs. Mmmmkayyy?"

• And yet Damien moonwalks out of Eric's room with a check for $100,000 and the promise of mac 'n' cheese in his near future. He's so pompous, he's going to eat mac 'n' cheese from the birthday buffet before he escapes with the money? Who IS this kid?
•  He is a kid that Ben the ex-con will gladly put out a hit on. And I can't wait for that to happen. Next week, are we thinking?
• "I always knew you read too much Shakespeare to be sane." Nnnnnngreat comeback, Damien.
• And so while the van der Woodsens make up and eat birthday cake on the floor like the Japanese version of 16 Candles, Damien sets up a night meeting in a dark office with Montel Thorpe, night-businessman. Who IS this kid? He is a kid that is ready to die, I guess. Didn't he hear what Ben said? Didn't he look into those watery crazy-person eyes like we did?

If you were here, I could deceive you

• Did I mention that Damien's drug deal was supposed to get delivered in 100 boxes of pink tulips? FREAKING BELGIANS!

Blair Is Overstretched, Not Like That

• Blair is such a prada-wearing devil that all of her interns have quit. So she makes Dorota put her clothes onto her (like she didn't before) and she types away on her blackberry during her "30 seconds of friend time" for Serena...like she didn't before. Busy Blair is the same as Old Blair but with more excuses to act haughty. Excellent.
• and her blog for W is called "The Blair Necessities"
• Dan offers to help Blair in her whirlwind of duties, but not before making her say "as my friend and peer, not my underling" until she means it. This is the best writing/acting there has ever been on this show. She literally can't say it!
• Meanwhile, as Dan and Blair remain the best of friends, Vanessa hulks back into Manhattan and tries to get in touch with her former flame...only to find that he has PURPOSEFULLY ignored her "hand written letters." How did the front desk even let her up?
• Their evening ends with Blair at the loft, confiding in Dan that she wishes she could get back together with Chuck sooner than later. This is precisely what I want out of their friendship: confiding secrets, falling asleep on the couch without accidentally making out, and ordering in "gourmet, I suppose."

The Never-Ending Saga of Big-Mouth Billy Bass Industries

• Lily and Chuck get into a fight at a cafe, but it's all a ruse for Montel Thorpe's benefit! YES, EXCELLENT START!
• Lily and Chuck's undying best friendship is the best thing ever - even when Chuck's being a real jerk, Lily is his permanent co-conspirator. I don't want them to have a baby per se, but if they did, s/he would be AWESOME.

 

"Oh, Charles. Best friends forever!"

• So Chuck's plan B is to have Nate seduce Raina into liking Chuck more. Nope, it doesn't make sense in the GG universe either. Nate is anything but a wingman, for God's sake. So Raina clearly falls in love with him because he (too) makes her miss a v. important meeting and he gives her a doobie and lets her spend the day in his terry cloth robe. Then she's like "let's start a potato chip ice cream company!" and you know what? Of all the things I would never do with that girl, I would most DEFINITELY start a potato chip ice cream company with her. Even if she chewed me up and spat me out eventually, we'd make a ton of money in the process.
• Chuck invites Montel's silent partner to Eric's birthday party to (a) tell him that Bass might be more valuable as a whole and (b) give him a giant lollipop and a pinata. And it works, I guess! It's amazing that Chuck's business MO is to repeat "Please, just consider the facts" to everyone. It always works and it's what makes him such a wunderkind. Please, just consider the Chuck.
• Did I mention Lily's honeypot scheme? She's trying to lure in Montel for some reason, and I was positive the entire time that Rufus would somehow find out and throw his hugest hissy fit since junior prom. AND YET! He was in on it the whole time and he acted impeccably! Wow, Rufus: 1; the rest of the world: probably in the 100s by now.

Next Week on "No One Wants To Hear It, Vanessa"

• Next week's promo shows Vanessa trying to warn Serena about something we already know isn't a threat (she sees Ben take the check out of Damien's hands and automatically assumes that you can just steal a check and have everything work out in your favor). Good luck basically requesting that the newly unemployed Blair spend all of next week shoving her foot in your face, Vanessa!
• Also, Dan says something like "...just a kiss" to Blair. Here is where I'm going to predict the Saved By The Bell miniplot will come in. They will accidentally kiss and they realize within the hour that they definitely don't like it.
• Did I dream that I saw Juliet behind bars?
• When can Eric just be HAPPY again for Pete's sake?!?!?! Maybe they should send him back to Stad or something? That might make him happy. Maybe let him spend more time with Big Brother Chuck? Aww, remember those days?

Gossip Girl "Panic Roommate" Recap

Dear Upper East Siders and No One Else,
I am trying out something new - making a very boring title that will hopefully show up more in search engines so that millions more people can read my Gossip Girl recaps. Genius? Yes. Boring? You tell me.

You: Actually it's boringer than any of us ever thought possible.

Me: Suck a lemon.

(fin)

and now for Blair and Chuck's High-Class "Everyone Gets Laid!" Scheme:

"Tonight at the Pit..."

• Chuck, stop trying to make Raina happen. She's not going to happen.
• Although I do enjoy Chuck and Blair using each other for fake phone calls when they could just as easily talk to no one on the other end. "Raina's smarter than that. She'll need to hear talking through the earpiece." "Nate's smarter than that...or whatever."
• I assume that Chuck's secret hotel hiding place (while AWESOME) is just a ruse for his real long con, which will include letting Raina find out about his trickery so that she'll be easier to poach. It's nice to see that Blair still has stuff that Chuck lacks (a basic understanding of the fairer sex), thus they still have things to offer each other. Perhaps they should help each other out so long as they both shall live?
• And now onto Blair's "Get Epperly Laid" plan: It's clear to our Intern Queen that she will get a bad review if her boss, the lithe yet harried Epperly, doesn't get laid before it happens. Because I guess Blair's been doing a pretty bad job so far? Anyways, she takes her to Chuck's house without even asking Chuck first if he'd be WILLING to gigolo for her. Then she sends Epperly and Nate to the roof so she can connive with Chuck - without even realizing that Nate will have put several roof-moves on her by this time. And yet somehow he didn't? Either that or it was nothing to write home about.
• Blair ALSO tells Epperly to leave work early on the night of a party because Blair can "forward her calls to her blackberry," which she's plainly not going to do. Perhaps she's onto something with this performance review anxiety. So far all she's done is stink up Epperly's coffee with Chanel no. 5 and wear tights with shorts to work. 
• And yet here's how her review went: "Since I got laid last night, I am quitting my job as Intern Coordinator and giving it to you, Blair. Highly unorthodox, I know. Welp, I'm off to a yoga retreat with my old London boyfriend!" And that's basically verbatim.

"What? Only 4 princes have rsvp'd? When I come to full power that simply won't do!"

• DANNY & THE PROFESSOR: Ben the ex-con/ex-teacher/ex-ex-crush of Serena is living with Dan now, and Dan's like "Ummmm WHAT?" I wish Dan had turned into King Curtis from the Fat Kid Loves Bacon video and made it a little harder for Ben to just move in like that. Ben thinks he's the queen of the sorry people! He cain't run in those little heels!
• So the main thrust of the whole Ben thing this episode is whether or not they should forgive/trust him. Let's make it easy: He didn't statutorily rape Serena - plus! He did command a systematic dismantling of her life from prison - minus :(. He refused to take Lily's money and offered to leave town himself - plus! He decided it would be smart to live at Dan's apartment - dumb. Should you forgive him? Up in the air. Should you trust him? Sure, if you're Ben himself. That's just prison rules, baby.
• A theory posited by my roommates: It's apparent that Serena started dating Dan in season 1 because he respected her intellect or was at least intellectual himself...like someone else she was just ending a crush on, perhaps? A teacher, perhaps? Ben? Dan might be Ben 2.0, which certainly WOULD lead to some weird roommate friction. And now that Ben's apparently the same age as everybody, there's no problem with him dating Serena at the end of the episode. 
• Couldn't there have been a better lead up to Ben and Serena getting together? I'm sick of all these "Meh, whatever" get-together moments. He's an ex-con for God's sake! It takes a huge amount of effort to mute that kind of natural tension!
• Eric, the Pant Cuff-Rollingest Kid in New York: Eric, you're not wearing boots and it's way too cold for this. Roll the pants down. 
•  I love that Eric lets his Lily streak shine proud as soon as Damien says ONE SENTENCE about Ben being suspicious. The king of mother-judging is like "If anyone should have to get out of town, it's Ben! I don't want him anywhere near my friends or family!" Now we just need to see how long it will take him to procure a wad of cash so he can throw it at Ben and complete the transformation.
• Dan: "I'm not gonna team up with the one guy I trust less than Ben, and neither should you." It's this kind of reasoning that's like (a) great thinking, Dan! (b) but what is "great thinking" doing on this show? (c) and why can't Dan be smart like this at any other time?
• What's more, Dan is truly growing into his role as Lily's heir apparent (noticed by Josh). He threatens to make sure Damien never sets foot in this town again - a complete Blair/Lily/Rich Woman move. I am LIKING this new Dan!
• So even though Dan tries his best to pre-bitch Damien out, Damien's plan still works. He walks out of the bathroom with a freshly punched face and accuses Ben of doing it (even though I'm sure there's security camera footage that shows where Ben is all night if not right outside the bathroom), and the parole officer is there and ready to take him away. The PO hesitates, however - Serena might be about to say something - but nope, she just looks at Ben like "How could you?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Hit my drug dealer?!?!?!?!?!" and then later on completely denies it so she can pull a kisseroo on Mr. Bensington, who got out of jail because of a heartfelt phone call from Dan. These kids and their phone calls. They should probably call Egypt and see if they can't set things straight.
• Isn't Damien smart enough to keep his trap shut until he gets out of town? Instead he's like "Yeahhhh, noooo. We won't be hanging out anymore, Eric. You're a suicidal freak and I got what I wanted. And now I'm untouchable." EXCEPT HE OBVIOUSLY ISN'T. Dan and Nate (who has had nothing to do with Damien this time) saunter over to Damien's consulate and tell Mr. Damien what lil Damien's been up to. Ya burnt, Zac Evilfron.
• And finally, Rufus the Wonder Dad jumps in at the last minute to save/recap the day. "Are we done?" asks an emotionally exhausted Eric. "No no no. Talk to me. Make me understand!" pleads Pearl Dad. Eric tells Rufus that he's friendless and embarrassed about it. Really, though? I know the girls at Constance skewed prim when Blair was queen, but are there really no "I'd DIE for a gay friend" girls there now? REALLY? I guess that was the one thing Little J had going for her.
• PS, did the van der Woodsens buy a berry farm, or are they just this desperate to replace waffles with something less make-funable? Bad news, berries are pretty easy to make fun of.
• Oh, and OBVIOUSLY the loft buys that milk that comes in glass bottles and costs $8/gallon.

Predictions for next week based on the preview:

• Dan will hold Blair's hand...but only to keep her from falling off a bridge or something. They're not getting together.
• Rufus will try to murder Florence so that he can take over and become Rufus & The Machine. Florence will easily defeat him.
• Ben & Serena will come to family dinner as a date and make everyone uncomfortable.
• Eric starts hanging out with Nate more and they realize they're both still disenchanted with Serena. They bond over how dumb she is but Nate doesn't really get Eric's jokes. Too esoteric.
• Chuck marries Raina, and when Montel Thorpe finds out he is PISSED.
• Lily spends another 3 weeks at the Arizona spa or whatever. When is this belly going to start showing?

The Domien

Thank God Damien's back. Without Vanessa and Little J, it had gotten almost too unannoying around the UES.

• First things first: Who cares about Chuck's new girlfriend? It's strange because she's got so much going for her: she's black, she's business-savvy, and she seems just as manipulative as Chuck. Then why does my stomach turn every time she's on the screen? Instead of feeling excited for Chuck's new prospect or devious for Chuck's new conquest, I just feel like, "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeuh." 

 

"You'll have to pardon me, but for the life of me I can't remember why on Earth I'm talking to you."

• I will say, though, that it was really fun to see Raina (Chuck's girlf) boss around her long-haired Asian temporary boyfriend. Maybe it's the actress because it really seems like on paper this kid would be awesome.
• Next things next: Serena's deadly obsession with her old teacher-crush/ex-con Ben. She really goes all out for this guy - wearing her chandelier earrings to their breakfast date, traveling all the way to a halfway house in Brooklyn to deliver a personalized farmer-tools gift basket, and demanding that Rufus offer him a room in the ole BK loft, which Lily most likely pays the mortgage for now. It's so clear that Serena's not going to find a new thing to focus on until she sleeps with the guy and freshly re-ruins his life. Remember when he was the one texting threatening things to his sister from prison? And now he's like, the most upright guy ever? Beating up ex-student/drug dealers, telling Serena that he Does Not Reciprocate. Serena's going to sexually burn him at the stake, mark my words.
• SERENA GOLD ALERT: When Blair and Serena find themselves up very early in their shared bathroom, Blair refuses to tell her where her new internship will be. Serena guesses, "You have an internship at...the donut shop?" lol, good one!
• Let's talk about Blair and Dan (Blain, Dair, Humpdorf if you will): Please God, please just let them stay friends. Or if they do get together, please PLEASE let it be like that one episode of Saved By The Bell where Jesse and Zack kiss and they're both really upset because they "felt something" but then when they do it again, they realize it was actually nothing and they're still best friends since kindergarten and nothing more. PLEASE. I love their before-work coffee dates. I love their snobby banter. I love them NOT GETTING TOGETHER. We all do!

Blair and Dan doing actual intern work. Fascinating!

• BLAIR GOLD ALERT: Her resume includes the fact that she has never owned a scrunchie. I would LOVE to see the rest of this resume. "Blair Queensington Waldorf. Height: 5' 7" (5' 10" in Louboutins). Weight: Omitted for tabloid purposes. Job Experience: I have never owned a scrunchie. [Then a lot of white space underneath until the bottom of the page.] References include the President of the United States of America. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue."
• BLAIR GOLD ALERT 2: As Blair and Dan bicker/flirt all throughout their day at W, Blair distracts him by saying "Oh look, it's Georgina's baby!" BLAIROFL!

May this stapler grab be the only time Humpdorf touch each other.

• DAN GOLD ALERT: "You do realize I know Jeremiah Harris personally, right?" Classic Dan.
• A literary theory: Gossip Girl refers to Dan as "D" instead of "Lonely Boy" in one of her act break narrations. I can't remember how long it's been since Dan has been "Lonely," but this is a distinct suggestion that Dan is acting a lot like a certain "B" we all know. Great blogging, GG.
• BLAIR PYRITE ALERT: "Let go of me, you classless klingon!" or possibly "Cling-on." Uhh, what?
• Time to move onto less interesting things: The Captain & Nate the Mutineer. Nate told Chuck to tell Raina to tell her father to fire The Captain. And no one cared or did anything.
• And now for what we've really been waiting for: RUFUS BEING A TURD. At some point in the episode after we watch Rufus take 3 delicate bites of his yoghurt & forest berries for breakfast, he starts pulling a Serena all over the place and being like "Yeah Lily, why can't you just open up that confidential document in front of us? What are you hiding, you conniving jerk? I can't believe I let you pay for my loft and delicate breakfasts all the time when you're such a jerk!" And then he snatches the envelope out of her hands and gives it to Serena. Thank God Lily, the frequent divorcee, finds him so useful. He must vacuum or dust or something.
• Seriously, Rufus is like the Real Housewife of 1st Avenue. All he does is spend Lily's money and then say annoying things about how dishonest she is. Somebody get this guy a show on Bravo!
• Let's get through the Eric stuff so we can move on to one last Chuck thing: Eric's old boyfriend Jonathan came back so he could hang out with Lily for an afternoon and hear secondhand stories about Eric's trip to Stadt with his boyfriend Elliot. Then Eric hung out with Damien the Drug Dealer a lot because there's no one else in NYC who will listen to him. Then he FINALLY tells Serena what a bad and absent sister she is. All in all, I'd say Eric was a winner this week. Except that he always loses and seems to like it that way.
• CHUCK GOLD!!!! The 24k Edition: For one thing, Chuck can accurately price a $2000 suit upon one glimpse. He can also have a really sweet moment with Blair that makes me feel like maybe by the end of the season they can just get back together. But he just can't make Raina seem interesting...until the teaser for next week, when he outright explains that he's poaching her. BOO YAH!!

Have any of my predictions from last week come true yet?

• Jenny and Vanessa have stayed gone. BONUS!
• Rufus and his pearls - I get the feeling this is just around the corner. Keep a lookout.

Gossip Girl Comes Back, Only This Time There Are Two Black People Also

LET THE BLAIRDOWN COMMENCE!

• When we last left Blair and Dan, they were waggling their eyebrows at each other, talking about all the French films they'd be seeing together at Film Forum. Now they're acting like they accidentally got married on Serena's bed or something. Film Forum does this to people sometimes.
• This episode is called "The Kids Are Not All Right," which is untrue in that Serena's espionage skill set is clearly through the roof. It's MORE than all right. First she packs six suitcases' worth of costumery for ensnaring the judge, then she lets Chuck dress her up as Lily and waltzes right into her mother's safety deposit box. I take back what I said before - Serena's good at drinking, sure, but she's great at using clothing to trick people...which we knew already because of all her boob dresses.
• But WHY couldn't we have seen Serena-as-Lily lying her way into the safety deposit box area? Just one line as her, please Serena. "I'm here to visit my jewels. Take me there immediately and don't dare look me in the eye."
• Nate & His Dad: the Dumb Couple. I hate it when someone gets out of prison and then immediately goes back to whatever he did that got him into prison in the first place. On shows like The Wire it's all but inevitable. But on shows like GG, it's a useless stressball with a shaved head. Nate's dad (The Captain) is wii-ing it up with two pretty maids and missing job interviews right and left. Why don't you just give yourself a fresh buzzcut and dive right back into lock-up, dummy. 
• PS, what show is it where someone's shaving his head in prison and another person is like "It's not the army, man. You don't actually have to shave your head in here." How amazing would it have been if Nate shot that over to his dad!
• When faced with a janitor job interview, The Captain says something like "I had to sit there with half a dozen other ex-cons who probably didn't even go to high school - DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL?" Is that supposed to be a jab at my generation? Because it's really interesting that they'd have a Baby Boomer say it. Perhaps we Millennials are only as entitled as our ex-con hyper-feelingsy parents, ever think of that?
• Welcome, Black Thorpes! I mean, just Thorpes! Chuck's apparently racist father might've scared you out of NYC into Chicago, but now you're back and your daughter is of-agier than ever. I'm all set to like Raina (the daughter), but something's still missing. Maybe a sparkle in her eye, I don't know. 
• Chuck and Serena spent the episode trying to get back at Lily for selling Bass Industries, but as soon as Chuck gives Lily one minute to explain, he's like "Oh my God, you were so right." About the economy being bad? About real estate messing up things for businesses like Bass Industries? How much absinthe are you DOING, Chuck? This didn't all happen while you were in New Zealand for Christmas!
• Rufus clinks Lily's cocktail glass when she explains how ostentatious the night's party will be. Tell the truth, Rufus. This is the culmination of your decades-long plan to become a "rock star," divorce your wife, marry an old flame, and finally afford all those cashmere flannels you've been dreaming about. FINALLY.
• LILY GOLD ALERT: "I know you [Eric] disapprove of me, but can't you do so in a tuxedo?"
• Dan & Serena's relationship took an extraordinarily realistic turn when (for the fortieth time) Dan was like "Wellll, could we please just do what I want to do just once? Just one time pleeeease?" Then Serena had the presence of mind to be like "I wonder if I sometimes test you." This is a narcissist/co-dep relationship to the max. Serena's so smart.
• BLAIR GOLD ALERT: (Regarding the tie Dan wears which belongs to his father) "If only he had been buried in it." Hahahahahahaha
• If we had known that Montel Williams was capable of delivering a monologue like the one he gives at the party, I think we would've-Wait. That is actually an actor named Michael Boatman. Ohhhhhhhhh God. Look, they both have Fu Manchus. I'm really sorry. But Michael Boatman and Montel? That's one for Celebrities That Look Alike.
• And just like the end of last year, we're left watching Dan and Blair yet again waggling their eyebrows at each other making plans to see a thousand french films at Film Forum. At least she's better than Vanessa. I think we can all agree about that.

Predictions for the rest of Season 4:

• Lily's pregnancy starts to show!!
• The gang schemes to throw The Captain back in jail. Come on, he has it coming.
• Serena, Dan, Chuck, and Blair do a swap and spend the next two or three years that way until finally coming to the realization that they had it right at the beginning and should just switch back. But now there are babies in the mix, and those babies are soon going to be 16 and falling in love with each other...things are going to get weird.
• Rufus starts wearing pearls around the house when he thinks we/Lily can't see.
• Eric continues to hate Lily even after everyone else forgives her and ends up framing her for a series of high-profile murders. While she's in prison sharing a cell with The Captain, Eric visits her to explain how the whole thing went down. It sounds a lot like the plot of Oceans 12.
• Vanessa and Jenny stay gone. Hooray!
• Come to think of it, Vanessa and Jenny are pretty much gone. Did the writers finally take all that Vanny-bashing to heart? I'd still be ok HEARING about their stupid exploits. I just don't want to see their faces or clothes or hear them speak. But feel free to have Serena update us on their lesbian couture wedding in Maine or whatever. That oughta be good for a few laughs!

Another GG Tricap, Right On Time

The thing about recaps is that they're most useful/interesting/appropriate when they're published within a few days of the episode. Since I took notes on the last three Gossip Girls but still haven't written anything about them, I'm going to have to present a useless/boring/irrelevant one. JUST KIDDING OBVIOUSLY THIS WILL BE GREAT!

Three Weeks Ago: "Serena has Fallen, but Not the Parts of Her You Might Expect"
(Juliet tricks Vanessa and Jenny into helping her destroy Serena at some sort of saints and sinners ball that Chuck is inexplicably hosting)

• At one point Blair gets a pedicure while she's on the phone with Chuck, who is also getting a pedicure. I believe it is the same pedicurist, or a twin.

• Serena tells Lily, "You know, you just let yourself get blackmailed for no reason." Yes and no? I guess if I had unlimited money, I'd throw it at any/all persons who seem like they might actually have something on me/my progeny. Or I wouldn't? I don't know, I guess. I guess that's why I'm not Lily van der Woodsen.
• This episode contained Serena's now infamous line to Eric: "You're my little brother. You're not enough." ZING, BIG SIS! She still hasn't apologized.
• There were so many things wrong with Juliet's ultimate plan to take down Serena: 1) Neither she nor Jenny look like Serena, completely disregarding her face. 2) She kept her "ether" in some sort of potion bottle, which even I would have been suspicious about and I'm not even paid security. 3) You can't withdraw from Columbia via text or email or anything that could issue forth from a phone. I'm pretty sure someone has to sign something, somewhere. 4) It all takes place alongside Taylor Momsen's band's terrible single. 5) No one cares that Blair and Chuck are dating. 6) YET SOMEHOW IT ALL WORKS OUT LIKE GANGBUSTERS! Juliet comes out of that smelling like a rose! How?

 

Two Weeks Ago: "The Tate Donovan-Directed Episode"
(Serena wakes up surrounded by pills and her mother commits her to a mental institution without even asking if it really happened or if her daughter was framed or what!)

• The main thing about this episode is Vanessa "Tofu Stuffing" Abrams's technicolor navajo peacoat. It's the main thing because when you see it, it makes you barf and you end up missing the entire rest of the episode due to being so sick. 

• Rufus has been in such top-form lately. In this episode he both tells Lily he "thought she was over this" and corrects Lily about the possibility that Serena takes antidepressants. Of course Serena doesn't take antidepressants, dummy. How would she know to get them? Oh, and then Rufus spills all of Serena's secret beans in the hospital to whomever will listen.

 

•  Oh man, when Chuck spots Jenny walking into the Ostroff Center it's like watching a zombie pass by. Speaking of, you can always find my Walking Dead season 1 recaps here!

 

•  And finally, it took a few thousand slow-motion rewinds but I got to the point where I could make out the check Lily hands to Juliet as hush money - and it's only $5000. Blah blah, it'll be $5k every month, but come on. This is a van der Woodsen. Come on.

 
 

One Week Ago: "The Very Beginning Of The Best Best Friendship In The World: Blain!

(Blair and Dan travel to Connecticut together to solve the mystery of Serena's teacher fiasco at boarding school. On the way they run into Draco Malfoy Damien and he spills his guts.)

• There is a dictionary in Blair's room that appears to be glowing.

• Lily wears not one but two red power dresses in this episode. Wait a minute, red? Like as in evil?! Wait, guys, I think they're trying to say something about Lily...but what?

  

 

• "It's a little early in the day for that, don't you think?" says Rufus to Lily, mistaking himself for Sandy Cohen and her for Kirsten yet again. She's a businesswoman, Rufus. She's allowed to drink during the day.
• Serena's like, the best ever at making absinthe apparently. Everyone's good at something!

• One for the show bible: Blair Waldorf can't drive. But probably Chuck can.

• "Eric, somewhere between a Marlins jersey and the absolute truth lies the better part of decorum. Becoming an adult is about learning the distinction." See, Rufus? Rich women are allowed to get a little tips during the day! That is when they give the most coherent advice to their sons.
• It should be noted that everyone forgives Juliet immediately when they could probably stand to be like "Hey, how did you sneak into the Ostroff Center?" or "Which drugs exactly did you give Serena?" for a few minutes.  
• Friendship eyebrows!!

• Until January 24th, the best we can hope for is that Rufus has roadtripped off to find his true love Vanessa and that Serena roadtripped off to give a great big apology to her old teacher, boobie-style.

Thanks for hanging in there!

More Fascinating Articles To Oh Nevermind

I wrote even more Walking Dead articles for Gather, and then I also wrote one about how Taylor Momsen is on indefinite hiatus from GG. Hooray!

If you click these, I will earn money which I will then put towards making gifts for you etc:

1. AMC’s “The Walking Dead” Episode 2 Recap: Escape from ATL
Here is a handy recap for episode 2 of The Walking Dead. You'll like it, I basically promise!

2. Watch Gwyneth Paltrow's Performance at the CMAs: "Country Strong"
This was from one afternoon when I was just like "ok, let's do a trending topic article." Surprisingly, no one searching for this topic on google wanted to read my article.

3. AMC's "The Walking Dead" Episode 3 Recap: Tell It to the Frogs
I think you know what this is all about! 

4. AMC's "The Walking Dead" Episode 4 Recap: Vatos!
This is my recap of the most recent Walking Dead episode. It was a doozy. That's a paraphrase from the article itself. 

5. "Gossip Girl" Exiles Taylor Momsen; In Her Own Universe, Blair Waldorf Feels a Pleasant Shudder
BOO-YAH!!!

And in the meantime, is everyone watching Glory Daze on tbs? I recommend it, and also I recommend Stankowski. He's a great new television character! Fin. 

 

Sometimes You've Got To Ask Yourself Why, Though

Q: Becky! Shouldn't you have written like two other things by now? Probably a gossip girl and then also you wanted to watch the Anne Hathaway snl so you could write about that one in the hopes that it's excellent? I mean it's already gossip girl night right now, again! What are you doing, Beck?

A: Eating as many Thanksgiving sandwiches as humanly possible

It's Blair's Birthday And No One Is Allowed To Cry

In the words of whomever it was that said "Things are happening!!!" in that sing-songy way that time in whichever movie/tv show it was, things are happening(!!!) on Gossip Girl. I couldn't watch Monday's episode until tonight, which was quite a challenge in an apartment of one television and five roommates on Election Night. But still, I made it. And it's all for you! PS who ended up winning the House? JK Rowling, I know who won. And it wasn't anyone who would approve of Gossip Girl, that's for sure.

PS Did you see Christine O'Donnell's "concession" speech? Where she recounted the list of demands she gave to Senator-elect Coons over the phone? Dummy Alert! You can't make demands when you lose! Even babies know that. Even BABIES!!!!!!

Ok, here is what struck me as notable in this week's episode:

• I'm not sure if you could say it was a directorial decision, an editing decision, or a cinematographical decision, but something was up with the whacked-out sex scenes that bookended this week's episode. We start off with Serena and Professor Colinsby slurring words and losing ocular focus for the entirety of an office hour...because they're so lusty? I applaud the way the show embraces visual innovation and I can appreciate the attempt, but this was a clunker. It didn't make sense. If I felt the way it looked like Serena felt, I would be throwing up that Hungarian coffee all over my bra-dress before I even thought about kissing the teacher. But that could just be me. The episode ends with a remix version of Chuck and Blair going for it (Hate Shtups, what did I tell you!). Now that I think about it, it makes sense that this vitriolic duo would get back together in the style of a remix. Bc they're remixing, you see? Buh-buh-ba-Blair! Ch-ch-chuh-Chuck! Hay-ha-hay-hay-HATE SHTUPS!
• According to Josh, "Dorota is like a living stuffed animal that's been blair's best friend forever." I feel that this is 100% correct.
• Holy crap, the Humphrey-VDW men have finally thrown an official clothing swap. As Rufus, Dan, and Eric walk down the sidewalk, it's perfectly clear that they've all shifted their outfits to the right. How else would Rufus wear denim chinos and a crisp navy sweater?

"It just seemed natural that the Humphrey men trade clothes every once in a while."

• Why anyone would try as hard as Dan is trying to get Jenny back when she just left is beyond me.
• REALLY, Serena and Nate came up with the idea to write out a PEACE TREATY between Blair and Chuck, REALLY. In the cleared-out dining room of DANIEL, apparently. REALLY.

REALLY.

• Haha, a provision of the treaty is NO TOUCHING! Did Mitch Hurwitz guest-write this one?
• Oh no, Dan and Eric attempting to out-scheme Chuck and Blair = if the scene from The Little Mermaid where Flounder gets chased by a HUGE shark did not end with said shark getting caught in that gigantic chain.
• Columbia Reality Meter: Serena runs into CryptKeeperJuliet right outside the 116th subway station, two steps away from Ollie's. Bingo! However, if I saw all those blazers at that corner, I would go find some eggs to buy because guess what, it's finally time to start egging people like this. "Blazers are dumb and that's no yolk!" Thank you.
• Serena's "favorite" "book" "is" "The Beautiful and the Damned." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
• I'm still flabbergasted that anyone would even speak to CKJ after what she pulled at Fashion's Night Out. Apparently Serena is grateful to her for framing Vanessa for her spicy teacher-sexts, but come on. Blair would have done that for Serena even in the midst of a huge blowout.
• Dan steals a contract from dumb ol' Nate even though they're best friends. Classic Dan, NOT. Classic Dan would have berated himself if he could only see him now.
• Poor Blair and these filthy gladiolas in the cabbage roses. Will no one even TRY to understand?
• Rachel Zoe, who cares.

Although she did deliver "I. Die." very well.

• It's always a pleasure when Nelly Yuki comes up. One of the minions thinks the impromptu video screening at Blair's party will be a "Nelly Yuki snuff film." Oh, minions. Nelly Yuki could out-minion them all, and you know it's true because she's long gone.
• Despite herself, Serena can't stop wearing clothes that say "Professor Colinsworth, anytime is a good time for me!" (see: mile-high skirt slit) Maybe this actually was one of her more demure dresses. It looks like somebody needs a Dorota in her life.

"I'm not sure why I'm upset but I have to touch my leg right now and things should be fine soon enough."

• When Blair accuses Chuck of showing her embarrassing video, he retorts with "You really believe that?!" UM, YEAH, WELCOME TO BASSHATYLVANIA, WHICH YOU FOUNDED
• Ok, time to make sense of CKJ's ultimate plan:
• Based on this prison phone call, it looks like Colin is only in cahoots with CKJ because he's paying her way through college and no one can know that it's happening because he's a faculty member and they're cousins. This doesn't make sense but ok.
• Based on Professor Colington's white hot rage, it's bad news for Juliet to be talking to Ben again, who is either her brother or another cousin (since Ben referred to Prof. Col. as their cousin).
• Based on my knowledge of SVU, it looks like we are in for a wild ride. If it turns out they were in foster care together, it's all over!
• I still have no idea what any of this has to do with Serena.

• When is Rufus going to get that Father of the Year award already? He's judging Dan like whoa for one screw-up, then deciding that Dan has actually done nothing wrong when he sees all these flower paper craps strewn about the VDW living room. And I quote: "Maybe there's a little Humphrey left in him after all," says Rufus to his wife, Lily (not a Humphrey). RUFUS, GO VISIT VANESSA AND STAY THERE PLEASE
• Oh no, what is Vanessa doing back here?!?!?!?! Why is she going into a room as though she still lives in the loft? No, no, no, I think it's getting pretty late and you should probably catch that Chinatown bus back to hippieville, Vanessa. Probably you should do that right away, like right this minute.
• Oh man, Dr. Colintooth believes that Serena is a "great teacher." Tell me he's not tenured.

And so concludes another episode of Hate Shtups. That's right, "Hate Shtups" went from being the name of this episode to the name of the whole series. Because that's all that matters at this point. Rufus's parenting style, meaningless. The return of Vanessa, forgettable. The only thing that anyone wants to see anymore is hate shtups, hate shtups, hate shtups, and it looks like next week's episode will be just that. Chuck & Blair's Hate Shtups, the saga continues!

My Newest Gig

May I have your attention, America:

I now have a job writing articles (for money!) at gather.com. I'm planning on posting a link for every article I write, and I'm asking you to click on those links so that: (1) you can read my hilarious stuff that's legally obligated not to appear here and (b) I can make some money! (it's based on page views, obviously, you know that, I know you know, I was just saying just in case, etc)

So far I have written 3 masterpieces:

1. How I Met Your Mother Recap: Baby Talk
An in-depth look at not only Monday's episode (6.6 "Baby Talk") but also Ted's quest for The Mother on a larger scale.

2. Gossip Girl's Blake Lively & Penn Badgley Break Up - And What It Means for Gossip Girl
A speculative journey into the fabulous teen soap's dating dramas - onstage and off.

3. Halloween Costumes for the Entertainment-Minded 
How to dress like one of your favorite characters from film, television, or music without being too blah. 

I still plan on writing my more hilarious posts here, where the blogging guidelines work a lot more like Calvinball. So don't worry about that - Becklectic Takes Manhattan is here to stay! At least until it moves away or dies, whichever happens first.

Chuck Bass De Sade

After months of waiting, Gossip Girl finally opened Monday's episode with one of Blair's gratuitous me-as-Audrey-Hepburn dreams. FINALLY! And just as Blair's ugly side has nothing to do with Audrey Hepburn at all, the rest of the GG team has ugly sides that are getting to be unavoidable. Serena's so..."accessible," she's dating a known womanizer/known faculty member THE WEEK AFTER the dean told her to stop being so flirty with professors. Nate's so not unstupid, he's only
starting to get suspicious of Juliet's one million lies. Blair and Chuck are so self-absorbed, neither of them remembers that it was actually Chuck who screwed up so much at the end of last season - shouldn't Blair feel more self-righteous about her ex-boyfriend (who sold her to get back his hotel, cheated on her with her arch nemesis, and then pretended to be dead) trying to ruin her so hard? Looks like Ugliness was the name of the evening, as embodied by any piece of clothing Jenny Humphrey has ever designed.

What I Thought:

• Amazingly, Serena wastes no time in finding a blue business shirt/business-shirt-style-pajamas at any new lover's apartment. Is this really his apartment, by the way? Because, as we know from the end of the episode, he's not exactly who he says he is...even if he does own a co-op and work permanently as a faculty member at Columbia University.
• Columbia Reality Meter: Nate wants to get breakfast at Tom's with Juliet. That is, he wants to go to Tom's and have the brittle old Greek waitresses bark at Juliet while she tries in vain to order a hundred cups of coffee at once. Classic CU!
• Is it just me, or does Chuck go to more classes than any of the rest of them? And he's not technically in college...right?
• I know I should've given up on this question a long time ago, and I did, but now it's back: How on earth did all these kids make it into Ivy League schools? How did Serena make it into two of them? Yes, these people are rich. They're unearthily rich. But there are tons of schools that you have to be rich to afford that do not require their applicants to be the geniuses of their prep schools, right?! Because what kind of grades did Serena really make, really? I'm not trying to say "Hardee har, dumb old Serena could never hack it there." I'm trying to say "I didn't think Serena was the type of student in high school who would even want to go to an Ivy League." Then again, it's a tv show. A soapy tv show. So let them all transfer to Harvard next year and I'll deal with it silently in my room.
• Jenny: "Parsons is like 100 blocks away-" Blair: "SEMANTICS! You were banished!" Oh, Blair. Is that semantics? Let's face it, anything Blair doesn't want to hear is semantics.
• Surprise surprise, Juliet's wearing another blazer ensemble in gray/neutral/beige. Coming from a costume designer who recently declared Blake Lively as the Jackie O of our generation, I totally get it. I get it.
• Blair is the best despot ever: "Yours is not to wonder why/ Yours is to do or die. GO!"
• Chuck sneaks off with Jenny's portfolio, then stands around his hotel suite in a silk robe waiting for her to come fetch it. Was his master plan to have Blair walk in on them sleeping together again? Or does he just set up situations (while wearing silk robes) where a number of things could happen, but each possibility will piss off Blair? It's senseless to ask. Chuck's brainwaves are clearly like "$$$$$Blair$$Fleur$$$$she'll wear a silk dress$$$$no that would look better on me$$$$I might as well grab this portfolio$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzhookers!$$"
• Vanya, you old Heavyweight!
• Wow, Dan really went into Big Brother mode this episode. He waits outside Parsons for Jenny to finish her interview. He guards Jenny on the sidewalk so these khaki-floppy-red-bow freaks won't descend on her. What a great big brother! He cain't even halp it none!
• Remember last year when Jenny was nonstop trying to get the best of Serena? Well, against all odds, Serena does.
• But not without swinging by Lily's pad first to say "Mummy, I came by to raid your jewelry box!!"

• Let's face it, Lily was the Master of Reverse Psychology before she ever read about it in Colin's magical book. Somehow, she always knows the exact wrong thing to say - she's always like "I'm so proud that I think you're doing the opposite of what you're actually doing." That's like, super-mega passive aggressive reverse psychology. "I'm afraid you'd have to correct me in order to tell me the truth, which will make you feel even worse. Now let's raid my jewelry box!"
• Tim Gunn, I don't care what you do or say. Just be on my tv screen always.

• When I saw Chuck waltz into the party, I was pretty sure he had two non-sister identical models on his arms. Now THAT'S what I'd call Classic Chuck, until the other recaps started referencing the models as actual twins. I can't get confirmation from imdb either way. Real twins would not be pure Classic Chuck.
• Obviously Tim can arrange for another interview for Jenny. Tim Gunn is the man of a thousand chances.
• It's rough to hear about Nate's dad getting shanked and everything, but remember how miserable he was in season 1? I'm not saying anyone deserves to get shanked. But would you feel that bad if Georgina got non-fatally shanked?
• Isaac Mizrahi, what are you doing here?!?! This season of GG has even more celebrities than ANTM!

• I think Chuck has seriously misjudged how much punishment Blair deserves. What is he, the Marquis de Sade? Just trap her on a platform on a sunny day and be done with it! SHEESH!
• Chuck to Blair: "I warned you I wouldn't stop!" Fair enough, he did warn her.

And true to form, Chuck never stopped. It looks like next week, Chuck won't be stopping for anything. But he will likely be shtupping. Shtupping Blair, that is. Next week's episode: "Hate-Shtups!"