"Empire of the Son" Gossip Girl Recap

It's a dark wintry night. Lily van der Woodsen Bass Humphrey is about to sign over her freedom and confess to a heinous crime. But how did we get to this emotional nadir? CUT TO 12 HOURS EARLIER...

SECRET HUMPDORFS

• 12 hours earlier, Blair is flirting with Dan for the whole episode and that for some reason makes Lily confess to her crime. Whuh?
• Honestly, that's the whole storyline for Blair and Dan this week. "We are flirting." "Are we flirting?" "My dad thinks we're a secret item." "We have to keep our flirting a secret." "And now we will kiss." The end. 
• However, there is a piece of Rufus Gold: "I saw you over there talking to Blair and I almost had a heart attack!" or something like that. Obviously Rufus would actually follow through and fake an entire heart attack if something like that did happen.

KID FINANCE GOES TO KIDD FINANCIAL

• Lily's looking through a newspaper article about Chuck's deal with Montel Thorpe's financial backers at the beginning of the day, but since I had no idea that their company was called "Kidd Financial," I assumed that it's just a thing to call someone "Kidd Financial" with 2 Ds if they're that financially savvy. Like wunderkind or something. For instance, you could've called Blair "Kidd Magazine" until last week when she ruined everything.
• So Montel gets back at Chuck by telling him Raina is hanging out with Nate a lot. The way Montel's using his daughter's sexuality feels a lot like the way Chuck sold Blair for a hotel last year. Thank God Raina is behind yet another curtain and can hear how monstrous her father is. And Nate's standing there with her like "Has anyone seen my bong?"
• I was pretty sure that this scenario would turn into Montel using Raina to drive a wedge between Chuck and his [male] best friend, thereby weakening Chuck and making it easier to hurt his company. It did not turn into that.
• Instead it turns into Montel being like "I know your daddy's dead, Chuck, but you should know: He set the fire that done kil't my wife." For as Dallasy as this whole scene is, this whopping secret deserves zero slow claps. Bc it's dumb.
• Eventually Serena's Dadwin comes back and tells everyone to brace for landing - Lily's probably going to jail for a while. (A) I doubt it, VDW and (B) why are you the only one who could possibly clue in the family to this possibility? Did you fly in from Geneva to deliver the news?

Meet the Ex-Con's Parents

• Someone's sending Lily orange prison jumpsuits, and we're all pretty sure it's Ben. Who else has access to prison jumpsuits? Think about it.
• But nope, it's his mom, who should've been played by Kristen Wiig for all the sighing and complaining she does throughout the episode: "We walked too far and now my legs hurt." "I'm lactose intolerant" (as Serena sets down a pizza).
• Ugh, oh God, Vanessa clomps back into everyone's lives by paying a visit to Lily. It seems she suspects Ben of having someone beaten in prison. I was under the impression that that's a pretty positive thing in prison, being able to have someone beaten. Like a Bar Mitzvah or something. Today you are a man who can have another man beat up a third man. Mazel Tov!
• So Serena yells at Ben for probably taking the affidavit that proves Lily's guilt, and he yells back at her for not trusting him. Classic trust argument at a fancy party. I really like the cover of "Blister in the Sun" that's playing in the background - a little research shows it's by Nouvelle Vague. There you go!
• BUT THE BEST PART IS! For whatever reason, Ben comes to his senses and realizes that this whole Serena thing is an attempt to relive his glory days of teaching, when nobody thought he was a child molester. And so it is for THIS reason that Lily turns herself in - to expunge his record and let him restart his teaching destiny. He better be freaking Robin Williams caliber.

The Kiss That No One Wanted

• Blair and Dan decide to not be friends anymore, and I'm ecstatic - not about the end of the friendship, but about the end of their potential for romance. But then she returns to his Brooklyn loft and they joke about actual plotlines (Blair Gold: "Only I get to joke about the hotel because it's still too soon"), and they can't help but kiss for God's sake. Right as Chuck and Serena are making their way over to them. GREAT I HOPE THEY WALK IN ON IT THAT OUGHTA BE SOMETHING.
• Now Dan and Blair have kissed and it froze on their kiss and I really don't want to puke but I might. Oh, barf.

And now we have to wait a month and a half for a new episode? Ridiculous! Here are my predictions for the rest of the season's surprises:

Springtime for Waldorf and Humperdink

• So I guess for Billy Baldwin to show up, he's probably going to be hanging around for a while. Maybe he's the one who diagnoses Lily's pregnancy for Pete's sake. SOMEBODY'S GOT TO!
• Blair and Dan stop kissing forever.
• Vanessa continues to style her ponytail like Serena and SWF's her way into Serena's friendship zone once S realizes that B is kissing Lonelyboy all the time in Brooklyn.
• Uncle Jack comes back and maybe the gang tricks him into doing battle royale with Billy Baldwin?
• I join the cast and they all start reading Becklectic, which means their lives are no longer scandalous or elite, just full of top model commentary.