Double Whammy Jersey Shore Finale Recap, Including The Pre-Finale Episode

The gang's last two weeks at Seaside Heights were basically what you'd expect: meaningful last Sunday dinners, meaningful last crunkings at the club, and TWO HOURS OF NONSTOP SAM AND RON FIGHTING. I don't know who this Arvin guy is or which exec's son is Arvin's best friend, but he's taking over the final few episodes of this season of Jersey Shore. And although "Arvin" is a great and hilarious name, this guy doesn't do much. Other than look scary and brag to Situation, his new best friend, the loudest mouth in Jersey.

The Penultimate Episode: "A House Divided"

Ron admits, "I don't even know if I love Sam anymore. I sort of 'ew' her." No one cares. Situation says, "It just so happens that Deena defies the law of intelligence." Everyone wonders what the law of intelligence is. Is it that you have to be smart? Then Vinny takes Snooki out on a hamburger date - and pays for everything - but spends the entire time explaining why they can't date. Snooki mopes into her beer battered onion rings.

There were a lot of new movie trailers during the episode. The first was for Bad Teacher, which is I guess where Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz met in the future? Are celebrity exes supposed to be in movies together? At least Jason Segel will be there.

Vinny completes his transformation.

When JS comes back, Vinny's getting his ears pierced. I've never seen this procedure before. This is at least as informative as the ANTM Makeover episode. Later on at the club, Pauly D's Israeli stalker comes back AGAIN. In order to make room for martial arts and strategy, the brain of a Mossad agent must be wiped clean of simple human social cues, such as "stop stalking me" or "I have made relentless fun of you so stop stalking me." This is why Danielle is so persistent. And why she keeps threatening to punch Pauly D and Vinny.

Back at home, Sammi tries to apologize to Ronnie but he keeps saying "Pass the mustard." Over and over again, it's "I'm sorry" "Pass the mustard," "Uh'm sorry" "Uh-huh. Pass the mustard." In voiceover, Sammi admits that she thinks this is "going amazing." Yikes bikes.

When the guys get back from the club, Pauly D and Vinny both have girls with them. One of them has a dutiful brother, who ends up stopping by to make sure the girls have rides home when they need them. And possibly he also stops by to see about JWOWW. For no reason at all, Pauly D takes a turn for the assy and dismisses the cuter girl by suggesting that the brother take her home tonight and then come and get his sister tomorrow. Hold it, stop. I just realized this has several disgusting layers. I thought it was bad that Pauly would send home a perfectly cute girl for doing nothing wrong. Now I realize he also might have been posturing to the brother by saying "leave your sister here for a long night's worth of smooshing." That's miserable.

Both of these girls look like Kate Beckinsale. What is the problem, Pauly.

That's the thing with Pauly and Vinny - you think because they're not Sitch or Ronnie that they're relatively good guys. They laugh, they prank, they tease the girls. At the end of the day, they are relatively good guys. But then you remember that Vinny's still a baby and trying desperately to figure out how to assert his authority over women, so he's a complete asshole sometimes, and Pauly's even older than Sitch and with that haircut you have to kind of assume sometimes that there's a reason he's still like this. Maybe he's just got uncontrollable mood swings. Maybe he's going through menopause. And Vinny's constantly getting his first period.

So OBVIOUSLY both girls leave, and Vinny drags Snooki along the carpet, sighing "Alright, fine, Snooki. Come with me," which is clearly what she's been dying to hear. Then he begs her to punch him, insists he's kidding, and calls her an idiot. Sometimes it's not a good idea to get your ears pierced during your first period because there are a lot of new emotions going on and frankly, it can get a little overwhelming. Where is Vinny's mother when he needs her?!

Another trailer comes on, this one for Jumping the Broom. My roommates and I take an Archer break to gain more commercial leeway.

Back in Seaside, Vinny is humping Shnooks against a wall. Situation and Deena stand to the side, witnessing all of it, and Pauly says "You've changed, bro." Then Vinny starts playfully choking Snooki and saying "I thought we were closer than that." I'll be the first to admit, I love the whole idea of a Friends-style romantic pair-off. I can easily remember a time when I thought, 'JWOWW and Pauly D belong together, as do Snooki and Vinny, and I could see Deena making Sitch have a change of heart. It's perfect!' But now I realize that if Vinny and Snooki ever did get together, it would be much worse than SamRon. VERY much worse.

Ah, young love

Luckily the night includes Vinny and Sammi getting into a rap duel that ends with Vinny sliding around on and face planting into the kitchen floor. The next day, Situation naps through his entire last shift at the Shore Store. Danny's such a millionaire by now that he doesn't care at all. These shirts sell themselves nowadays.

There is a trailer for a surfing movie.

Then the best thing ever happens. Ronnie's mom, Connie, calls the house totally drunk and has a 20-minute slurred conversation with Deena. "I love you I'm so tan." After half the house talks to her on the duck phone, Sitch finally says "Anyways I will have Ronnie call you back." Is that all it takes??

Another trailer, this one for Friends with Benefits. I thought this came out a while ago.

All the boys in the house synch up and start to call Sammi names because Situation, the Queen of the Red Tent, urges them to. Throughout the entire ordeal, not a single person mentions that Sammi was single when she did/n't contact Arvin. Until JWOWW says it, and then nobody seems to hear her. The house is upside-down.


The Finale: "At the End of the Day"

Arvin's on the phone AGAIN, and Sam snatches up the quacking receiver and tells him to stop spreading rumors. No one knows or cares if it's true anymore. Because it's time for Sunday Dinner!!!!!

Pauly D mentions over dinner that his friends from home will be joining them for their last night out at the clubs. Smells like a backdoor pilot for his new reality spin-off!, which will take place in his hometown of Providence, RI. That's another thing to consider about Pauly - he's from Rhode Island. Does that affect his behavior? Do a lot of Rhode Islanders wear their hair like the pumpkin boy from Nightmare Before Christmas? Does it help explain his erratic behavior?

SamRon break up again somehow (even though I can't remember them deciding to start dating again), and Ron wears a "Rush" shirt to his last day at the Shore Store. It's a practical joke because Rush is the t-shirt store down the pier. It's practical because it's shirts. It's not really a joke though. Ron tries to pull a Sitch-nap. Another great practical joke.

That night there's a weird party on some rented porch where everyone's family is waiting for them. Uncle Nino dances with Deena a little too long, and Pauly's friend DJ Jerry does a phenomenal worm on the floor. Then there is a pinata because obviously Mexican tradition is interchangeable for Italian-American. Isn't Snooks half Argentinian or something, after all? Mustn't they have pinatas there? Oh, no?

Eeeeeeeeeeeesh

Deena's hot friend Lisa is there, and it's Deena's job to stop Vinny from making moves on her. It's awkward because although Deena's trying to do a good thing for her friend Snooks, she's too drunk to make it low-key enough. Instead, she's like "Shhhey! Stop touching...her. My friend! No, yous don't undersnand. Get way, Vibbie!"

Obviously it makes all the boys (now Officially Women!!) in the house mad at Deena. They tell her she's being Angelina. That's the most disgusting overstatement of the year and I'm glad Deena had never come face to face with that kid because she would have started vomiting at the comparison. I know I did.

The next day the gang eats at where else but RIVOLI'S! This is the restaurant that Sitch didn't get to go to when the boys left him at home because he was taking too long to get ready. Surprisingly, he doesn't make a point of bringing that up. Deena makes a very nice toast about how appreciative she is to have been able to spend her summer with these people, although they've all had their ups and downs. Oh, Deensie!

JWOWW and Roger have the boyfriend-girlfriend discussion at an extremely loud Karma. This is another sad truth about guidos - JWOWW might be an intelligent, artistic, financially independent woman, but she will always be attracted to guys like this. Guys with spikes all over their heads and veins coursing with steroids and, at best, pre-packaged one-liners about how into monogamy they are.

Snooki runs into Fake Pauly D and takes him home with her. She cooks him a grilled cheese but he complains the whole time. Another match made in heaven. The rest of the gang makes their way home as SamRon start fighting again. Deena's adorable drunk cadence comes out again: "Why...'s Ronnie AND Sammi fighting?" She's the cutest drunk in the world as long as she's not doing the Jersey Turnpike on the dance floor.

As SamRon's fight noises fill up the house, we see people in every room pausing and listening. It's like looking at people frozen in ash in Pompeii. JWOWW and Roger are sitting up in bed, sheets covering their mtv bodies. Snooki and her friend lie still with their eyes wide, facing the same wall. Situation eats his drunk snacks like a rat on the subway on the couch downstairs. SamRon yell things like, "I hate you! You're not real! I'm real! Don't ever look at me again, you fucking idiot!" This is the most utterly public, hurtful, tedious relationship I've ever seen. Ronnie cries himself outside.

Sitch hears all and eats all

Grilled cheese solves many things, so Drunky Deens makes two for Vingelina. Our cable keeps blacking out for a few seconds at a time, so by the time we get back, Vinny's smiling and saying "Yeahhh, Buddy!" I take that to mean they've made up.

The next morning, JWOWW's dog shits on the carpet and everyone cheers. Exactly.

SamRon sneak out to their secret coming-to-terms-at-dawn balcony and break up yet again. As Ron leaves, Sam's like "Wait, so it's over?" That's right, keep asking just to make sure. He'll fall right back into your arms soon enough. They drive home separately.

My DVR cuts off the recording halfway through everyone else's goodbyes. Thanks very much, cable. You are functioning the best these days. It is my greatest hope that the Pauly D spinoff or its JWOWW/Snooks cousin will air before Jersey Shore 4: The Italian Saga. I will miss my friends, my abusive, abusive friends.

All photos courtesy MTV.com