Jersey Shore Recap "GTF - Gym, Tan, Find Out Who Sammi Is Texting"

Now that Sammi's back in Seaside full time, it would only be a matter of time before she and Ronnie stumbled drunkenly back in love. It happened, but then Arvin came in and made a conflict between them, finally, for the first time. And so I am watching Bio-Dome while I write this recap. So far Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin have sneaked into the Bio-Dome during the opening ceremony to find a place to pee.

"Pwease don't squeeze me too tight, mister!"

To kick things off, Situation breaks JWOWW's dogs out of their puppy jail in front of the bathroom of decay. He urges them to poop everywhere. He gives them people food ("Looks like you're havin' pizza for brunch!"). He talks to them as though they are the imaginary friends he ate that Italian dinner with a few weeks ago. Guys, prank war sanity is one thing, but Sitch's sanity is another. He's losing his mind! And I'm reaping all the benefits.

That was from Jon Lovitz's cameo in The Wedding Singer. Right now the short, white-haired actor who looks like but isn't Leslie Jordan is yelling at Pauly and Stephen for breaking into the Bio-Dome. Kylie Minogue is in this. And this other scientist has no dick! Well that's what I heard. (See above.)

Meanwhile Vinny has taken DJ Pauly D home to Staten Island. You see, they know that Situation is going crazy. And they're like "Let's let SamRon and the rest of Team Sober deal with that mess." "Yeah, I'd much rather eat a traditional Italian meal with all my old, perverted uncles." Someone at some point either on tv or in real life says, "Looks like a guido circus." You got that right, dude.

Somehow the girls can smell Situation on the dogs when they get home, probably from all the Xenedrine even though that's Ronnie's thing. At the club Snooki wears some huge pink-rimmed novelty sunglasses. She then meets a Pauly D lookalike and decides to date him. It might have been Deena wearing the novelty glasses, I can't be sure.

 

The kiss booed 'round the world, the start of the barfolution!

Simultaneously at the other side of the bar, Sammi and Ronnie are sharing the kiss booed 'round the world (courtesy Josh). Why on earth would they nevermind, I feel like I didn't even get to take a break. I write a recap about their huge fights, then I don't write for a few weeks, now I'm writing again and they're fighting again. This must be recappers' hell. The misadventures of SamRon. Stephen Baldwin just made some sort of joke about being a rape baby. I feel like I just said something offensive with that term. Bio-Dome!

 LADIES?

The next day, Vinny gets a very dark spray tan because of peer pressure. It is what it is. Around this point, JWOWW is driving half the gang around. They see Roger, but he ducks out of the way to avoid waving to them. Everyone says it's because he has a girl in the car.

Taylor Negron hurt his bladder roller blading.

JWOWW leaves Roger a voicemail to give him a piece of her mind. He calls her back and gets himself out of trouble by saying he was in an awful hurry or something. I thought Jenni was a rational woman. That's one of the reasons I like her so much. What's all this?

Stephen Baldwin and Pauly Shore are in a tent and Stephen's dressed as a goth and is smelling Pauly's farts. I don't remember this from 14 years ago.

 

Now this is Classic Arvin.

SamRon decide that they are together again but aren't defining it. That's the best idea I've ever heard. No, just kidding. What happened to everything that took Sammi back home to her family? All that reasoning, wasted. "What's the worst he could do, throw my clothes around again and yell at me and treat me badly all the time?" This arrangement works well for them until Arvin shows up and pulls a Classic Arvin by telling Sitch that Sammi text-invited him to the club. Situation naturally tells everyone, and a fight ensues back at home. Even Pauly D gets upset: "GTI: Gym, Tan, I'm not buying it!"

The boys are freezing in this Bio-Dome! They shouldn't have blasted that Bob Dylan so loud.

Situation gives Snooki another facial but this time it's with face mask. I had to type that but let's let it go. It's not my best. Snooki one-ups me once again by pretending to be a mime. Oh, Snooki, you're France's Sweetheart too!!

JERSEY MALAPROPISMS
(Mostly from last week)

• The toilet smell "permanated" the house
• Deena was "hastatic" (I maintain that it's not "hystatic" because she defined it as "super happy and really happy." Nowhere in that definition is "hysterical" and I have no reason to assume Deena meant that word when she said another h-word TWICE)
• Deena's adorable "Who is these girls?"

There you go, another installment of Jersey Shore season 3 for our enjoyment. I have a sinking feeling that next week is the finale.

all photos courtesy mtv.com

Bio-Dome courtesy of MGM