"None of us want makeovers!"
After last week's elimination, the girls returned home to find a mysterious, rolled-up panel hanging from the ceiling in their living room. "What the hell is that?!" exclaimed one model. Another model pulled the golden tassel attached to it, and suddenly a secret diagram unfurled. A secret diagram that said things like "Manly short brown spikes" and "think Pocahontas." MUST BE MAKEOVER TIME!!!!!!!!
Sara the 19-year-old boy finally showed some personality by explaining that she liked her androgynous look but was nervous about going too far into the male realm. She should model with Andrej Pejic, who - contrary to popular belief - is a man. But he would probably just think she's gross.
It's funny that Mister and Miss Jay get to dump all over everyone's fashion sense and personal upkeep while sashaying around in rollers and slippers or a giant silver block of cheese-hair. Such is fashion: you dump on everyone else and then dare them to dump on you.
At some point, one of the professional stylists referred to Tina Fey as a fashion icon, and my roommate Brian LOVED IT.
While Tyra is best at giving modeling advice, she's also very skilled at making good makeover decisions. Especially ones that seem really stupid at first. Here are a few examples:
Brittani went from long, regular hair to a dramatic, dark bob, also known as "the Dutch Boy." Against all odds, a cut called "the Dutch Boy" has somehow become edgy.
Before After
Sara went from sporting a hugely grown out Jewfro complete with Jedi Padawan braid to a very short, mannish cut. I think it's 1000% better. She was momentarily sad because she wanted to be made to look more like a girl. Not with that face, honey.
Before After
The other makeover of note was Molly's terrible blonde curly weave. Since her hair was so thick and stubbornly straight, they had to bring in a specialist - who turned out to be a quack after like ten hours of bad weaving. Molly held her head high even as she noticed how increasingly nightmarish the weave looked every time she glanced at the mirror. It was a tacky color. It was lifted 2 inches off of her head. It left the front of her regular hair exposed, two inches lower and a much different color. I honestly thought Tyra was testing Molly by having her mom come in and pretend to be a hairdresser and give her a Lady Godiva/Miss Piggy disaster to see how well Molly handled it. It was not a test, yet Molly passed.
The next day, the models did group photoshoots styled by Lori Goldstein, inside of whose butt Tyra's head was firmly stuck. Seriously, Tyra kept sucking up to her during Elimination about how cool all the bracelets were or something. This is not something that will keep the lesbian rumors at bay, Tyra. This is simply unnecessary.
At the photoshoot it became abundantly clear that Alexandria Natural Swag is the new Erin from The Petite Season. But instead of "Ugh, I hate rocks, please don't make us go up there" and "The sun is like, really burning me," Natural Swag is just plain sullen. She complains, yes, but moreover, she bums out. I'm shocked she didn't burst into tears from sheer ennui.
Here are the final photos:
Dalya, Baby Voice, & Maya Rudolph
Jay noticed that the two on the left seemed to be working with each other very well while Maya Rudolph over here wilted on the side like a wallflower. This does not bode well for Dominique.
Brittani & Hannah
I loved every second of this. They were like Siamese twins. I wished Tess were watching it with me so we could talk about loving every second of it. Tess, want to come over and watch the rerun this weekend?
Kasia & Molly
Even with the monster weave, Molly kills this photo. From far away, Kasia looks sort of awesome. But from up close, girlfriend looks dumb.
Mikaelampire & Sara
The judges weren't crazy about this one. It looks too candid and unfocused on the camera. I still think Mikaela looks pretty great. And Sara, in a world where Ann can win Top Model, you are the one-eyed king.
Olivia Munn & Natural Swag
Monique and Alexandria are dumb. One spent the whole hour complaining, and the other remarked, verbatim, "I get my way. I love my life. I always get what I want...usually." How Natural Swag managed to win this week, I'll never know.
I think Baby Voice/Jaclyn looks a lot like Anna Paquin, but moreover, I think she represents what Sookie Stackhouse might imagine as the worst version of herself. Helpless, infantile, brunette. I'd like to see Baby Voice do some growing up this cycle. Make it so, Baby V!
Even though the judges usually love to go nuts on the girls' fashion sense during Elimination, nobody seemed to mind Natural Swag's disgusting huge-heart-on-a-black-satin-cord choker. OH, BARF. Did I mention she won this week somehow? Maybe off camera they were like, "if you act sort of morose during makeovers, we'll guarantee you first place this week." Worth it, not! At least Molly came in second. Mark my words, she will win this cycle. Maybe?
Maya Rudolph and Sara landed in the Bottom Two, and it looked like it would be curtains for old Anakin Braidwalker. I expected them to keep Dominique, not because it would make sense but because I have some pretty great pattern-recognition abilities when it comes to ANTM. To my surprise they kept Sara, and I really hope she improves at least one MILLIMETER by next week. Bro, Tyra likes weirdos. Pump it up!
Next week is supposed to have something to do with fire. BUT...MODELS...NO LIKE...FIRE!?!!!
All photos courtesy of CWtv.com
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