Gossip Girl Recap "Shattered Bass"

Guy fight!!!!!

Very unfortunately for all of us, the CW photo bank doesn't seem to have any pictures of Blair's Roman Holiday dream. For if it did, we might all slip into moped crash daydreams where princes turn into Chucks, and the world might end. I can see your logic now, television website.

And now for a chapterized look at the goings-on of the UES Elite:

She's Losing Her Mind! And I'm Reaping All the Benefits.

• Looks like Cousin Charlie is crazier than an entire Ostroff Center's worth of debutantes. First she's dumping pills IN THE LIVING ROOM TRASH CAN, then she's stealing dresses and cutting out tags left and right, then finally, she's luring Dan into the office of a headmistress that she's never even HEARD of in order to complete her insane transformation into Cousin Serena. Sheesh, all Georgina did was have a baby. Pace yourself, Cousin!

• When did Charlie start dating Dan in the first place? I guess we're left to assume that it was right after Dan slammed that door in Vanessa's face last week. Bad news, Sideburns, but just because you kick out your jerk friend doesn't mean that everything's fixed and that now nothing stands in the way of dating your step-sister/ex-girlfriend's cousin. Unless, wait, does it?

• So I guess Cousin Charlie and Dan are sharing a postcoital morning as they eat 1,000 pounds of candy. The look on Dan's face signifies intense regret/low-grade sugar poisoning.

"I'm CRAZY for jellybeans, Dan."

• It's around here that Cousin Charlie says something about how sour patch kids and books used to be her only friends, particularly Flowers in the Attic. Ha-ha, a hilarious nod to a book about not only incest but torturous family imprisonment. Next thing you know, we'll find out her last name is Fritzl! And bad news, Cousin: sour patch kids cause mouth blisters and juvenile CRAZINESS.

• The cousins have the awkwardest talk of all time about dating Dan until Serena finds out Charlie hasn't gotten access to her trust fund yet. Then she springs into action, calling several bank representatives and money polishers on her behalf. "You're my fairy godcousin! HEEE HEE HAW HAW HAW HUHYUCK!" says Cousin Charlie.

• Thank god for all those mirror reflections of Charlie - otherwise we would have had no other way to realize that she's A CRAZY PERSON. And thank god we all took those film symbolism classes together. 

• This whole golden dress mix-em-up nightmare is pretty ballsy for Cousin Charlie, but then again, it's only her way of marking new territory. It is the same reason Dan smells like pee these days.

• AAAAAAAAAAAND then she tells Dan to call her "Serena" while they're going at it in the Headmistress's office. Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is one thing Vanessa would never do.

• At the very end, Vanessa shows up and is like "Deal with it, I'm already here" to Serena. They discuss Cousin Charlie's diabolical schemes until Rufus wanders in going "does anyone know why the hell this kid isn't taking her pills?!" Rufus, Vanessa, and Serena: The unlikeliest crime fighting trio since Flowers in the Attic!

Jack Bass is Back...Jass?

• Nate enters the apartment, sets his purse down on the pool table, and lets out a SHRIEK when he sees Uncle Jack talking to Raina Bigglesworth. He looks like he just ran into a screen door, and it's with good reason: Unkie Jack is not to be trusted with your girlfriend.

• I missed the reason Jack is back in town, but it's clear that he's interested in screwing over Chuck, Montel Thorpe, or a combination thereof. In the end, he only screws over Montel. And when I say that, I mean "obtains evidence that shows Montel murdering his own wife and trying to blackmail a 19-year-old into believing his own father did it." GOTCHA!

Two best friends shadowbox as an Uncle looks on.

• Also, Uncle Jack is amazing in the kitchen as Chuck and Nate try to interrogate Montel. "All you have in the fridge is olives and hallucinogenic mushrooms. I gotta get room service!!!"

• Jack should clearly date/marry Raina and they should terrorize the UES forever.

The Vitamin Water Bride

• Blair's engaged, and there's going to be a party. So naturally she wears the ugliest dress of all time, complete with tutu-sleeves, and has the caterers make blintzes. Oh brother, Blair. The only good decision of your entire life was declining to ruin your mother's relationship with Cyrus Rose, who is a masterpiece. And he called Blair a Princess Bride!

• Serena apologizes to Blair for her last-week shenanigans like so: "Blair, I'm sorry I sent those blasts to Louis's mother, but everything worked out great, so can we just enjoy it and move on please?" Blair! Everything worked out great! So just enjoy it and move on! Please!!!!!!!

• Blair goes to see Chuck in person like 14 times this episode, and Prince Louis's mother knows about every one of them. She probably wouldn't have been able to know about it if Blair merely TEXTED Chuck the exact same news, but then Gossip Girl would become a show about texting and email blasts and smart phones. Wait. Wait.

Chuck secretly appraises the value of Blair's new engagement ring.

• "Princess Sophie, welcome to our tasteful and appropriate home!" slurs Lady Eleanor, the perpetually sauced.

• Dan shows up at Blair's engagement party (when Serena first notices the golden dress mix-em-up), but since they're suddenly not friends at all anymore, there's no reason for him to be there. I wish there had been some reason for him to be there. On the plus side, when each  person at that party hears about Chuck getting abducted to Ostroff or wherever, they're all like "Good, he should be in rehab." 

• Bad news Blairs: at the end of the episode, it's not Chuck she's meeting on the roof. It's MONTEL! And you just know he's going to throw her! The Deroofination of Monaco!

All photos courtesy of CWtv.com