ANTM Recap "Ivan Bart"

 

There are just 3 girls left in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model, and the competition is as blisteringly fierce as the harsh Moroccan sun. In an effort to provide some SPF, Tyra applies herself liberally to the episode, reapplying as necessary. Meanwhile, "Ivan Bart" sounds like a portmanteau of "Ivanhoe Fart." Onwards and upwards, girls!!

At the top of the episode, Hannah once again summarizes each of the girls' strengths and weaknesses. She then prematurely declares herself the most "dynamic" of the girls left, then cries and cries throughout the rest of the hour. Back to you in a few, HansBanans.

In their Moroccan apartment, the girls share a convo about their struggles (or "kampfs"): Molly's still raw about her adoption, Brittani's still raw about her trailer park upbringing, and Hannah's still raw about the eyes. There's a montage of Hannah's crying shots from the rest of the season, and it's fantastic. Then after like one second of segue, we're back to watching Molly bitch about something as Brittani struggles with a lamb leg and Hannah cries in the corner.

The next morning, Mister Jay tells the girls that TV's The Insider has asked them each to fill 90 seconds of continuous airtime with Moroccan fashion reports. They have to research their topics, interview non-English-speaking strangers, and successfully keep track of 90 seconds' progress when they roll tape. This is something I would ask a Journalism graduate student to do, not a freaking catalogue model. It's a miracle that these girls come up with anything.

Hannah thinks she's got this one in the bag, but to her chagrin, her tape is dumb. She says things like "Hello, or should I say 'salaam' tee hee." Molly wins the challenge, but only because she's the only girl to wrap up her report before the 90-second mark shuts her off. Sheesh, that was ROUGH. It's definitely time for a visit from Tyra.

Tyra has Emotionversations with each girl, and we get to hear Molly talk yet again about being adopted and how she's vaguely upset about it. A picture of her adoptive parents shows that they look like carbon copies of the parents from Webster. IS MOLLY WEBSTER, OH MY GOD. That's why everyone's mistaking her sassy comments for bitchiness! Her outsides don't look like the tiny, adorable imp she truly is!

Afterwards, Tyra stages one of her famous guerilla backyard photoshoots, in which she handles makeup, hair, lighting, set building, creative directing, and photography all by herself. The girls get black smudges around their eyes, and they take turns trying to impress the most famous supermodel in the universe. Brittani's eyes "bore through the camera straight into me," says Tyra later on. Impressed much!??!?!?!

Then I brace for the worst because Tyra starts teaching them how to move body parts in isolation, which is typically Lesson One in bellydancing. But instead of giving them a miserably awkward sexy dance lesson, she takes them up to the roof where men wearing fezzes are playing music! And she gives the girls each a fez with a long tassel on the end, which is supposed to be whirled around in a circle above their heads. Watching anyone jam out by twirling her neck around is always funny, but watching models do it is even better.

Tyra Mail comes and tells the girls, "Are you really committed? You will be tomorrow." Clearly this means the girls will be photographed in straight jackets. But actually it means they'll be posing with boys in scenes about commitment ceremonies.

Actually they're on the beach, and once again, Mister Jay dons full dress and makeup to introduce the girls to the shoot. He is still Creative Director of these things, right? Because it seems like he'd have to spend a lot of the shoot taking off that eye makeup.

The girls pose with a standoffish male model, and nobody does very well. Hannah's pretty sure she nailed it, though. Now just wait five seconds and she'll start crying, and the cycle will start over again. "I did the best! Wah wah wah. Tired."

At Elimination time, we meet the episode's namesake, Ivan Bart. Bart is the head of IMG, but he looks so uncomfortable, it must be the first time he's been asked to give his opinion on modeling. He kind of sinks back into his chair and tries to look invisible throughout the rest of the episode. Ivanhoe Fart!

As the world turns, Tyra LOVED the girls' films! So much that she's picking two shots for each girl, which is an interesting idea. What was once merely a snapshot taken during a love scene is now a two-part narrative with implied emotional arcs! Tyra, what haven't you learned at Harvard Business?!

Brittani made me nervous during her shoot because she refused to model facing/touching/acknowledging her male partner. But Tyra loves the choice, and here are the shots she chooses:

The one on the left gets better as you look at it because you start noticing all of its strange angelic elements. Brittani is disappearing into a glowing light, and it makes her left arm look like it's turning into a wing. Her hand touching the man's is like a crazy, reversed "Creation of Adam," which in itself makes one wonder what exactly is being said about the original painting. Where there was once a guy, now it's a girl. Where God once sat, now the guy sits. Where Adam seemed to be interested in being created, now Brittani seems more interested in returning to heaven. QUEL MAGNIFIQUE! The second picture is pretty boring, I think, but it looks more or less like a magazine ad and Andre Leon Talley says she sure did sell him that belt.

Hannah is stoked to see her pictures, but oy oy oy, I don't know:

The first one is a good idea with a terrible face and poorly executed leg. The second one is dramatic and pretty, but it doesn't make any sense at all. Her "lover" is hidden so far in the background, he gets lost in the smoke-machine smoke. What part of their love story is this illustrating? The time she had to stretch?

Molly may have a bad attitude, but Nigel loves shooting her. Ivan Bart finally chimes in to say photos are her strong suit. DUH, Ivanfart.

Where Hannah's pointed foot is awkward and weak, Molly's is just fine, according to every single judge. Her body shape is endlessly fun to look at, and her face is perfect, as always. It should get boring to look at her pictures after a while, but nope. And then this second one? Hi again, Lara Stone.

As the judges deliberate, Nigel brings up how much he doesn't like shooting Brittani. Gee, thanks a lot for continuing to shit all over the girl who, to be fair, did make one huge mistake but who hasn't made any since then. It is at this point that Tyra mentions Brittani's intense eye contact, and momentarily it seems like Tyra might be falling in love with her despite herself. I would obviously watch the spinoff of their romantic relationship but I fear it wouldn't last longer than one season. By then I would be totally engrossed and much more vulnerable to heartbreak. Better not to.

The judges bring up Molly's sourpussness, but Tyra says that her time with Molly the other day was "lovely." This means Hannah is the only one Tyra's not in love with, which means Vivienne Westwood won't be falling in love with her either, since she won't be walking in her fashion show. Did I mention that's their final runway? Because it's gonna get WEIRD!!!!!!!!

And so the episode ends with a deadlier match-up than any seen before on an ANTM finale: Brittani vs. Molly, amazing model vs. amazing model. WANNA BE ON TOP gerk! gerk! wan-na-WAH beep gerk! gerk! wan-na-WAH "Model model modellll model model modellllll"

Next week: Tensions will be high as Brittani maybe falls and the girls do mortal kombat in front of VivWesty! It's on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Photos courtesy CWtv.com