It's Blair's Birthday And No One Is Allowed To Cry

In the words of whomever it was that said "Things are happening!!!" in that sing-songy way that time in whichever movie/tv show it was, things are happening(!!!) on Gossip Girl. I couldn't watch Monday's episode until tonight, which was quite a challenge in an apartment of one television and five roommates on Election Night. But still, I made it. And it's all for you! PS who ended up winning the House? JK Rowling, I know who won. And it wasn't anyone who would approve of Gossip Girl, that's for sure.

PS Did you see Christine O'Donnell's "concession" speech? Where she recounted the list of demands she gave to Senator-elect Coons over the phone? Dummy Alert! You can't make demands when you lose! Even babies know that. Even BABIES!!!!!!

Ok, here is what struck me as notable in this week's episode:

• I'm not sure if you could say it was a directorial decision, an editing decision, or a cinematographical decision, but something was up with the whacked-out sex scenes that bookended this week's episode. We start off with Serena and Professor Colinsby slurring words and losing ocular focus for the entirety of an office hour...because they're so lusty? I applaud the way the show embraces visual innovation and I can appreciate the attempt, but this was a clunker. It didn't make sense. If I felt the way it looked like Serena felt, I would be throwing up that Hungarian coffee all over my bra-dress before I even thought about kissing the teacher. But that could just be me. The episode ends with a remix version of Chuck and Blair going for it (Hate Shtups, what did I tell you!). Now that I think about it, it makes sense that this vitriolic duo would get back together in the style of a remix. Bc they're remixing, you see? Buh-buh-ba-Blair! Ch-ch-chuh-Chuck! Hay-ha-hay-hay-HATE SHTUPS!
• According to Josh, "Dorota is like a living stuffed animal that's been blair's best friend forever." I feel that this is 100% correct.
• Holy crap, the Humphrey-VDW men have finally thrown an official clothing swap. As Rufus, Dan, and Eric walk down the sidewalk, it's perfectly clear that they've all shifted their outfits to the right. How else would Rufus wear denim chinos and a crisp navy sweater?

"It just seemed natural that the Humphrey men trade clothes every once in a while."

• Why anyone would try as hard as Dan is trying to get Jenny back when she just left is beyond me.
• REALLY, Serena and Nate came up with the idea to write out a PEACE TREATY between Blair and Chuck, REALLY. In the cleared-out dining room of DANIEL, apparently. REALLY.

REALLY.

• Haha, a provision of the treaty is NO TOUCHING! Did Mitch Hurwitz guest-write this one?
• Oh no, Dan and Eric attempting to out-scheme Chuck and Blair = if the scene from The Little Mermaid where Flounder gets chased by a HUGE shark did not end with said shark getting caught in that gigantic chain.
• Columbia Reality Meter: Serena runs into CryptKeeperJuliet right outside the 116th subway station, two steps away from Ollie's. Bingo! However, if I saw all those blazers at that corner, I would go find some eggs to buy because guess what, it's finally time to start egging people like this. "Blazers are dumb and that's no yolk!" Thank you.
• Serena's "favorite" "book" "is" "The Beautiful and the Damned." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
• I'm still flabbergasted that anyone would even speak to CKJ after what she pulled at Fashion's Night Out. Apparently Serena is grateful to her for framing Vanessa for her spicy teacher-sexts, but come on. Blair would have done that for Serena even in the midst of a huge blowout.
• Dan steals a contract from dumb ol' Nate even though they're best friends. Classic Dan, NOT. Classic Dan would have berated himself if he could only see him now.
• Poor Blair and these filthy gladiolas in the cabbage roses. Will no one even TRY to understand?
• Rachel Zoe, who cares.

Although she did deliver "I. Die." very well.

• It's always a pleasure when Nelly Yuki comes up. One of the minions thinks the impromptu video screening at Blair's party will be a "Nelly Yuki snuff film." Oh, minions. Nelly Yuki could out-minion them all, and you know it's true because she's long gone.
• Despite herself, Serena can't stop wearing clothes that say "Professor Colinsworth, anytime is a good time for me!" (see: mile-high skirt slit) Maybe this actually was one of her more demure dresses. It looks like somebody needs a Dorota in her life.

"I'm not sure why I'm upset but I have to touch my leg right now and things should be fine soon enough."

• When Blair accuses Chuck of showing her embarrassing video, he retorts with "You really believe that?!" UM, YEAH, WELCOME TO BASSHATYLVANIA, WHICH YOU FOUNDED
• Ok, time to make sense of CKJ's ultimate plan:
• Based on this prison phone call, it looks like Colin is only in cahoots with CKJ because he's paying her way through college and no one can know that it's happening because he's a faculty member and they're cousins. This doesn't make sense but ok.
• Based on Professor Colington's white hot rage, it's bad news for Juliet to be talking to Ben again, who is either her brother or another cousin (since Ben referred to Prof. Col. as their cousin).
• Based on my knowledge of SVU, it looks like we are in for a wild ride. If it turns out they were in foster care together, it's all over!
• I still have no idea what any of this has to do with Serena.

• When is Rufus going to get that Father of the Year award already? He's judging Dan like whoa for one screw-up, then deciding that Dan has actually done nothing wrong when he sees all these flower paper craps strewn about the VDW living room. And I quote: "Maybe there's a little Humphrey left in him after all," says Rufus to his wife, Lily (not a Humphrey). RUFUS, GO VISIT VANESSA AND STAY THERE PLEASE
• Oh no, what is Vanessa doing back here?!?!?!?! Why is she going into a room as though she still lives in the loft? No, no, no, I think it's getting pretty late and you should probably catch that Chinatown bus back to hippieville, Vanessa. Probably you should do that right away, like right this minute.
• Oh man, Dr. Colintooth believes that Serena is a "great teacher." Tell me he's not tenured.

And so concludes another episode of Hate Shtups. That's right, "Hate Shtups" went from being the name of this episode to the name of the whole series. Because that's all that matters at this point. Rufus's parenting style, meaningless. The return of Vanessa, forgettable. The only thing that anyone wants to see anymore is hate shtups, hate shtups, hate shtups, and it looks like next week's episode will be just that. Chuck & Blair's Hate Shtups, the saga continues!