08 February 2011

Gossip Girl "Panic Roommate" Recap

Dear Upper East Siders and No One Else,
I am trying out something new - making a very boring title that will hopefully show up more in search engines so that millions more people can read my Gossip Girl recaps. Genius? Yes. Boring? You tell me.

You: Actually it's boringer than any of us ever thought possible.

Me: Suck a lemon.

(fin)

and now for Blair and Chuck's High-Class "Everyone Gets Laid!" Scheme:

"Tonight at the Pit..."
  • Chuck, stop trying to make Raina happen. She's not going to happen.
  • Although I do enjoy Chuck and Blair using each other for fake phone calls when they could just as easily talk to no one on the other end. "Raina's smarter than that. She'll need to hear talking through the earpiece." "Nate's smarter than that...or whatever."
  • I assume that Chuck's secret hotel hiding place (while AWESOME) is just a ruse for his real long con, which will include letting Raina find out about his trickery so that she'll be easier to poach. It's nice to see that Blair still has stuff that Chuck lacks (a basic understanding of the fairer sex), thus they still have things to offer each other. Perhaps they should help each other out so long as they both shall live?
  • And now onto Blair's "Get Epperly Laid" plan: It's clear to our Intern Queen that she will get a bad review if her boss, the lithe yet harried Epperly, doesn't get laid before it happens. Because I guess Blair's been doing a pretty bad job so far? Anyways, she takes her to Chuck's house without even asking Chuck first if he'd be WILLING to gigolo for her. Then she sends Epperly and Nate to the roof so she can connive with Chuck - without even realizing that Nate will have put several roof-moves on her by this time. And yet somehow he didn't? Either that or it was nothing to write home about.
  • Blair ALSO tells Epperly to leave work early on the night of a party because Blair can "forward her calls to her blackberry," which she's plainly not going to do. Perhaps she's onto something with this performance review anxiety. So far all she's done is stink up Epperly's coffee with Chanel no. 5 and wear tights with shorts to work. 
  • And yet here's how her review went: "Since I got laid last night, I am quitting my job as Intern Coordinator and giving it to you, Blair. Highly unorthodox, I know. Welp, I'm off to a yoga retreat with my old London boyfriend!" And that's basically verbatim.
"What? Only 4 princes have rsvp'd? When I come to full power that simply won't do!"
  • DANNY & THE PROFESSOR: Ben the ex-con/ex-teacher/ex-ex-crush of Serena is living with Dan now, and Dan's like "Ummmm WHAT?" I wish Dan had turned into King Curtis from the Fat Kid Loves Bacon video and made it a little harder for Ben to just move in like that. Ben thinks he's the queen of the sorry people! He cain't run in those little heels!
  • So the main thrust of the whole Ben thing this episode is whether or not they should forgive/trust him. Let's make it easy: He didn't statutorily rape Serena - plus! He did command a systematic dismantling of her life from prison - minus :(. He refused to take Lily's money and offered to leave town himself - plus! He decided it would be smart to live at Dan's apartment - dumb. Should you forgive him? Up in the air. Should you trust him? Sure, if you're Ben himself. That's just prison rules, baby.
  • A theory posited by my roommates: It's apparent that Serena started dating Dan in season 1 because he respected her intellect or was at least intellectual himself...like someone else she was just ending a crush on, perhaps? A teacher, perhaps? Ben? Dan might be Ben 2.0, which certainly WOULD lead to some weird roommate friction. And now that Ben's apparently the same age as everybody, there's no problem with him dating Serena at the end of the episode. 
  • Couldn't there have been a better lead up to Ben and Serena getting together? I'm sick of all these "Meh, whatever" get-together moments. He's an ex-con for God's sake! It takes a huge amount of effort to mute that kind of natural tension!
  • Eric, the Pant Cuff-Rollingest Kid in New York: Eric, you're not wearing boots and it's way too cold for this. Roll the pants down. 
  •  I love that Eric lets his Lily streak shine proud as soon as Damien says ONE SENTENCE about Ben being suspicious. The king of mother-judging is like "If anyone should have to get out of town, it's Ben! I don't want him anywhere near my friends or family!" Now we just need to see how long it will take him to procure a wad of cash so he can throw it at Ben and complete the transformation.
  • Dan: "I'm not gonna team up with the one guy I trust less than Ben, and neither should you." It's this kind of reasoning that's like (a) great thinking, Dan! (b) but what is "great thinking" doing on this show? (c) and why can't Dan be smart like this at any other time?
  • What's more, Dan is truly growing into his role as Lily's heir apparent (noticed by Josh). He threatens to make sure Damien never sets foot in this town again - a complete Blair/Lily/Rich Woman move. I am LIKING this new Dan!
  • So even though Dan tries his best to pre-bitch Damien out, Damien's plan still works. He walks out of the bathroom with a freshly punched face and accuses Ben of doing it (even though I'm sure there's security camera footage that shows where Ben is all night if not right outside the bathroom), and the parole officer is there and ready to take him away. The PO hesitates, however - Serena might be about to say something - but nope, she just looks at Ben like "How could you?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Hit my drug dealer?!?!?!?!?!" and then later on completely denies it so she can pull a kisseroo on Mr. Bensington, who got out of jail because of a heartfelt phone call from Dan. These kids and their phone calls. They should probably call Egypt and see if they can't set things straight.
  • Isn't Damien smart enough to keep his trap shut until he gets out of town? Instead he's like "Yeahhhh, noooo. We won't be hanging out anymore, Eric. You're a suicidal freak and I got what I wanted. And now I'm untouchable." EXCEPT HE OBVIOUSLY ISN'T. Dan and Nate (who has had nothing to do with Damien this time) saunter over to Damien's consulate and tell Mr. Damien what lil Damien's been up to. Ya burnt, Zac Evilfron.
  • And finally, Rufus the Wonder Dad jumps in at the last minute to save/recap the day. "Are we done?" asks an emotionally exhausted Eric. "No no no. Talk to me. Make me understand!" pleads Pearl Dad. Eric tells Rufus that he's friendless and embarrassed about it. Really, though? I know the girls at Constance skewed prim when Blair was queen, but are there really no "I'd DIE for a gay friend" girls there now? REALLY? I guess that was the one thing Little J had going for her.
  • PS, did the van der Woodsens buy a berry farm, or are they just this desperate to replace waffles with something less make-funable? Bad news, berries are pretty easy to make fun of.
  • Oh, and OBVIOUSLY the loft buys that milk that comes in glass bottles and costs $8/gallon.

Predictions for next week based on the preview:
  • Dan will hold Blair's hand...but only to keep her from falling off a bridge or something. They're not getting together.
  • Rufus will try to murder Florence so that he can take over and become Rufus & The Machine. Florence will easily defeat him.
  • Ben & Serena will come to family dinner as a date and make everyone uncomfortable.
  • Eric starts hanging out with Nate more and they realize they're both still disenchanted with Serena. They bond over how dumb she is but Nate doesn't really get Eric's jokes. Too esoteric.
  • Chuck marries Raina, and when Montel Thorpe finds out he is PISSED.
  • Lily spends another 3 weeks at the Arizona spa or whatever. When is this belly going to start showing?

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