America's Next Top Model Returns!

And folks, Tyra's funnier than ever.

Cycle 16 of ANTM premiered last night on the CW, and it started out with the cruelest joke in history: Tyra told the girls who made it through casting that they had actually lost. Then she "congratulated" 13 "other models" that by the grace of God MUST have been paid actors, although nobody ever confirmed or denied it. The losers moped around, herded into a swanky apartment by a PA for no good reason so that Tyra could come and console them because she likes to do that. But nope! Console she did not! Instead, she pulled down a curtain and showed the girls the apartment they'd be living in...SINCE THEY ACTUALLY WON, NOT LOST!

I should mention that before that segment, Tyra did a "This is why we're not showing casting" video that started out monstrous and ended up hilarious.



Another defense of Tyra Banks: whether she's aware of the mild unfunniness of the first half of the segment is immaterial. She commits. And when she manages to succeed, it's pretty enjoyable! And she has a nice haircut and wears t-shirts this season, which is nice.

And so we meet our ragtag team, all of whom have names that have already belonged to previous contestants. I'm not complaining; I know that if you're a model from America you basically have to be named Sara or Lauren or Ashlee. I'm just making an observation here.


Here are the girls I find interesting:

Monique
She looks like Olivia Munn and is, according to Tyra, "so sexy that people must be like, 'Tyra, what are you thinking?'" But I guess she's thinking, "I am casting her."

Sara

Tyra thinks she looks like a 19-year-old boy in makeup, and I agree. And I think her final picture from last night is AWESOME for how stretched and borderline ugly it is. Yet it's not? ...and with that, I've spent more than one thought thinking about it, and I'm pretty sure that's what makes a picture worthwhile.

Alexandria
This is the girl who described herself as having "natural swag." She's going to be a real asshole this season. She takes the Baby Voice girl under her wing and bosses her around for an entire evening. Then she repeats to every model, judge, and lampshade in the room that she's got natural swag.

Hannah

This little dork took a gorgeous final picture and reminds me of Analeigh from the Celia season. PS did I mention that basically 60% of the contestants this year look like trannies? Because it's true. (Hannah is in the other 40%)

Dominique

Dominique looks like Maya Rudolph and damn it, that's more than good enough for me.

Jaclyn/Baby Voice
Her voice is so squeaky, it's almost ironic that she thinks she has a baby face. No, it's fully ironic. I think that with any other voice, her face could look realistically aged.

Ondrei

Very short, but if that means 5'7" in the modeling world, how short is she?

Kasia
The only zaftig this season, and the only one with seemingly professional experience. Then why does her picture look so terrible? She's fixing her bra and frowning at nothing. If I wanted to see this, I'd stare in a mirror.


Mikaela
Is a vampire, so she can't be pictured. JK but there are seriously too many pictures up already and I'm nervous the page won't load.


Ones I don't really know who they are yet:
Dalya
Molly
Angelia (got kicked off first)
Brittani
Nicole

So anyway, Miss J made the girls walk in a huge plastic sphere on a very narrow and slippery catwalk. Before that, they had a photoshoot in hair and makeup. Several girls fell out off the runway, and it was abundantly clear that it's impossible to get back up in one of those things. Poor Maya Rudolph had to keep voguing inside of hers as she struggled to stand up over and over again.

In the end, Angelia got kicked off first and it's a good thing she was one of the Ones I don't really know who they are yet. I predict that the natural swag one will last for too long but will hopefully be the one who gets kicked off first in the exotic location - 50 hours on a plane takes some amount of natural swag.

All photos courtesy of cwtv.com! Black and white photos by Russell James.