Snooks Falls In Love & Asleep In The Dog Bed

It was supposed to be a hard act to follow, last week's episode. Sammi threw a punch! And yet this week's installment of the 2.5th season of the Jersey Shore went WAY above and beyond. Ronnie got a butt disorder, Snooki fell in love, and the stalker returned! Holy pastazoli.

Let's start with a Ronnie-heavy jersey malapropism count (I should find a different word for this):
1. "I've dranken a lot more than I drank tonight." -Ron Ron
2. "It's like, one step forward, two step backs." -Ronnie again
...and then the rest of the quotes I noted were just funny without being particularly wrong:
3. "It was wrong of me to laugh. Who wants to bleed out of their butt? I wouldn't." -Sammi Sweetheart
4. "Let's go about our day. (nodding in recognition) Slip and Slide." -Snooks
5. "Everybody google it because that's the reason the ocean's so salty. All the whale sperm." -Snooki
6. "I look like a hot, drunk baseball player right now." -Shnickers
7. "Jiminy cricket!" -Snookington

"Slip n Slide. Good day."

And now for my very well thought out explanation and recap of their actions:

Ronnie drinks too much (because he's like that BUT REALLY because he's probably realizing that he shouldn't have gotten back together with Sammi last week), so he starts bleeding when he poops. This happens, apparently, and when it happens to Ronnie, he very clearly feels that he deserves a lot of deference because of it. And really, it's a good thought - one should bow to the demands of one's ailing-butted friends probably - but as with everything at the Jersey Shore, it gets taken to messy, misogynist extremes. He spends most of the episode mad at Sammi while she is out at the sex shop to please him. She hadn't cleaned out the fridge a week ago, and it's wrong for MEN to be COOKING and CLEANING in the first place, you see, so Ronnie (and his several, several steroids) was hopping mad when she got back. Not like when she punched him in the face.*

*It's my thinking that Ronnie didn't react when Sammi punched him because he knew that if he didn't convince himself he was paralyzed, he would have seriously knocked her out. 

Ronnie's friends had shown up earlier to reminisce at Karma and one of them got ensnared in Deena's beflowered mane. His name was Dario, I think because Deena only gets together with gentlemen whose names start with D. (Remember Dean/Deen?) The closer to her name, the better. I guess it has to do with trying to put both parties on the same level due to Deena's diminutive stature or potential trouble finding mates.

In between sleeping in a dog bed and breaking a tricycle at a pharmacy by riding it too much, Snooki falls in love!!!!!!! His name is Jeff, and he just happened to be at the club when she was that night. That's all. They dance, they kiss, and they do stuff that takes me out of the episode and demands that I think about the fact that they are actually doing this stuff on television for millions to see. Usually I'm focused in deep enough to the show to be able to function logically inside Seaside Heights, but sheesh, this time it really hits me. Anyway, they stay together for the night but don't do anything because Snooks remembers she's menstruating right at the last minute. He stays all night anyway and then falls down with the should-be-condemned stripper pole at Snooki's request. They fly over the beach in skybuckets and seem to be falling in complete love, and then I guess Snooki gets scared because when the guy brings up the ugly truth that he has been sort-of engaged before, she spazzes out big time. Completely. So much that she won't answer his calls on the duck phone, and Pauly D has to pretend to be an answering machine and a demented pizza boy just to show him what's what.

"Do you like magazine covers and/or public proposals?"

I remember hearing about this guy last summer when they were filming this season. About to be redeployed, Jeff the military guy took out a magazine cover to propose to Snooki Polizzi herself. She declined, saying that they'd only known each other for a month and not to worry because she was the same old Snooki. Will they continue to date after this episode for a month? Does that mean next week will bring a new guest to Sunday dinner??

Meanwhile the STALKER COMES BACK. Danielle the ex-Israeli soldier returns, and she wants to talk to Pauly D. She tells him he made her look like a stalker, and he tells her that he didn't make her do anything. Then somehow he invites her back to the house and it looks like it's just classic Pauly D, making the best of any situation. He puts on the "I (star of David) Italian Girls" or whatever shirt that she had thrown at him last year like she was tossing him a pack of benjamins. They flirt a little, and it's perfectly interrupted by a VERY drunk Vinny's Canadian cross - "Stalker!" - and is followed by a lot of in-depth questions from him about why she would ever dare come to their house. She leaves forever, saying "Have fun this summer," and hopefully she can hear the immediate "OHHHHHH! STALKER!"s coming from the as-yet-unshut door.

 "You got that right, Vin - Stork does sound like stalk!"

At the end, Sammi and Ronnie break up again and for an instant, I totally think that it's finally going to take. "It's Flowers for Shoregenon!" I type, not realizing the impending irony: the teaser for next week immediately shows Sammi searching for Ron in the club, desperate to "win him back." It truly is the story of Charley, friend of Algernon the mouse, two dummies destined for only a short-lived clarity. We should have taken a writing sample from Sammi at the end of the episode, but how could we have? It happened in August! And we have no lines of communication to the show! If we could have, you know it would've been like "mee +Ruun 4evr bikuz,, wii luv/ eech udder. Wait a minit, do we? Because if we did, we wouldn't be fighting this frequently or this desperately. Perhaps we ought to consider an end to our relationship. Butt then agin, he's so hott.! hees, teh hotest +i got2 win he bakk." Shoregenon, no!