Gossip Girl Mega Triple Play

*look at the note at the bottom if you want to live

Somehow I've missed the past three weeks' worth of Gossip Girl recaps. Tonight I'm going nuts and stuffing it all into one magnificent blog post.
Bloggy: But do you really think that could ever work, Beck?
Me: Of course, Doubting Thomas dot com!
Bloggy: I only brought it up because that might take like an hour or more even, and maybe you have to get to sleep for work-
Me: THAT'S IT! I'm doing it!

My first recap (from three weeks ago) would have been called "First Day at Columbilair."

• Barely one day back as Chuck Bass and he's already wearing half a purple suit. Welcome back, Bass!
• JulietPrisonBrother wears a lot of blazers. Even at Fashion's Night Out. Blazers.
• Columbia Reality Meter: it's the first day of school and Blair and Serena walk straight into St. A's. Classic.
• As Serena, Blair, and JPB catfight over membership to key club, Best Friends Lily and Chuck reunite across town. Lily's text reads something like: "Eric and Rufus not here come over" and when I say "something like," I mean "verbatim." It's really nice of Chuck to apologize to the girl he deflowered's stepmother. Maybe she'll be kind enough to pass the sentiment along to what's his face, Roofio.
• Meanwhile in Brooklyn, Vanessa is nonstop staring at Dan & the baby and about to say "I will be Milo's mother" all the time. Oyyyyyyyyyyyyy
• At one point there were two different denim vests in consecutive scenes. And wouldn't you know it, they took that episode off cwtv.com already. 
• It was nice to see Nate get some closure with Serena, like when my barbies used to play When Harry Met Sally(...). Of course Serena thinks they "parted as friends."
• Then the episode ends with us seeing JPB at P with her PB. Boring!

The next week's recap would have been called "I Finally Get It, Vanessa Is Supposed To Be One Of Those Blue-Eyed Missing Roanoke Settler-Native-American Kids."

• This episode was pretty unpleasant - Blair goes for a big stupid doomed frame job, Dan makes a thousand awkward "please take off your clothes" jokes to Serena, and Eva turns out to be a nurse/hooker. In retrospect, the Dan comments were actually a highlight of the episode.
• Miracle of miracles, a prophecy fulfilled:
  

  

  Vanessa wears something stupid.
  

• Dan falls in love with the movie Wild Hogs and then says something like "It's okay, I'm having fun. I mean, we always have fun" to Serena about how it's going with Vanessa. He's the best one on the show, I don't care what anyone says. This kid is for real.
• OldLadyJuliet sure mentions coffee a lot, doesn't she? She takes Nate out for all-night coffee after drinking a latte in her room while she reattaches pricetags. She offers to buy everyone lattes. What is this mysterious coffee endgame?
• I just don't think it's okay to donate $5 million to your girlfriend, no matter how generous a person she is. She's still not a charity or a nonprofit or a school or anything. Right?
• Nate: "We Archibalds all have skeletons in our closets...and we have mansions FULL of closets."
• So Chuck and Blair are going to war. I sure hope it's like the War of the Roses. I need to see that. I'm assuming it's great, if it's really the sequel to Romancing the Stone. Which I also need to see.
• No no no, I just did a little research. That's wrong up there. What's The Jewel of the Nile?
• Who closed that door in the end? Gossip Girl.......!!!! You get out of there!

This week's recap shall be called "Bad News Joan, He Didn't Go to Vietnam After All."

• As much as I still hate Joan's fiancee (now husband) for the things he's done, I can still appreciate that he's playing a character that's basically Rock Hudson from Pillow Talk. You're my inspiration, Serena...
• Columbia Reality Meter: They're up at Grant's Tomb! That's pretty close.
• What is this scene between Vanessa and Rufus, the one with all the tight close-ups and bedroom eyes? Now this is a headline for Gossip Girl - "Ex-rock dad & exotic beauty eyefuck for a minute or two." I was paying attention to what they were talking about, and trust me, they were babbling. That's your first sign.
• What did Serena do to MelrosePlaceJuliet's prison brother? Is he the one Serena and Georgina killed? Is he one of Serena's many scorned suitors? I can't imagine the other possibilities, but there must be literally thousands of other reasons PB is so mad at Serena. Did she steal his horse at that racetrack thing when she was still trying to make tabloid covers for her dad's sake? WHAT HAPPENED IN SANTORINI?
• Two different attempts at "taking away Columbia" from Blair and Serena. Guys, you can't take what isn't even shot on location. Even if you're Chuck Bass, trillionaire.
• Columbia Reality Meter: Serena's drinking a coffee from the Hungarian! Hipster Classic!
• It's hard to believe that Blair would think she could win over a visiting professor by promising her an introduction to a woman-respecting businessman. Chuck's response was therefore appropriately inadequate. 
• Why is STD testing the bad guy here? So far like three couples have been shaken today over people going to the clinic. I thought STD testing was like carte blanche. Please don't confuse the tweens!
• Dan is hilariously annoyed at how stupid Rufus is: "Please get there faster."
• Serena's dress buttons are popping open and it looks like what I'm desperately trying to avoid every time I pin my between-buttons areas together on my shirt. Congratulations, Serena, you can do it.
• I wish we could have seen the professor's face as the dean accused Serena of emailing him a sexual proposition - you know it was like "oh, yes, oh no, I mean, I might actually be into something like that"
• "TELL THE DEAN I QUIT!"
• For a minute there I got really close to feeling sorry for Vanessa as she got framed for sending the email. Realllly close. Soon enough the gang will band together to get back at MPJ.
• Wow, I've got to get a picture of MPJ's crazy face as she peeks between Serena and Blair's heads. She looks hypnotized!
• According to drinksmixer.com, a Red Snapper is
• 1 shot Crown Royal Canadian Whisky
• 1 shot amaretto 
• 1 shot cranberry juice
• So Phase II of Chuck's big plan is to get Jenny a recommendation for Parsons from Tim Gunn. Diabolical!

There you go, that's three weeks' worth of recaps in one night. Oughta tide you over for a week or so. Actually, I think Gossip Girl's taking a break next week, so *you might want to break this up into a few separate readings. And you should probably read this part first. I'll do an asterisk.