Usage Wednesday: "Alumni"

Here we are, mid May, on the eve of so many young adults' graduation ceremonies. Ex-students, you can't even fathom the future that lies before you: unimpeachable strides in solar and wind-generated power, floating malls, babies that do calculus. You will live in skyscrapers on the moon, and your cars will know not the acrid stench of gasoline. You will wear clothing made of paper, and, with my help, you will use the correct endings for the word "alumnus." Godspeed, tissue vests!

Latin for "pupil" or, more literally, "foster son," alumnus refers to an ex-student of an educational institution. We've all heard of "alumni events," and we all have a basic knowledge of the fact that non-English languages typically use gendered suffixes (in Spanish, a boy is a niño and a girl is a niña). And so we all have this vague understanding that we should be changing the endings for "alumnus," but unfortunately, we didn't all take Latin.

This is a guide for when to use which endings of "alumnus." Just shortening it to "alum" can be a good solution sometimes, but it doesn't always work. Basically we have two different situations, and unless you went to an all-girls school, you only have to pay attention to the first one.

Rules for ex-students of co-ed schools:
-Singular: although "Alumnus" technically means "male ex-student," only a psycho Latin teacher would fault a girl for using it to refer to herself. Use "alumnus."
-Plural: just use "alumni." Not "alums," but "alumni." It means what you want it to mean and it makes it sound like you know what you're talking about.

Rules for ex-students of all-girls schools:
-Singular: a girl ex-student is specifically an "alumna."
-Plural: several girl ex-students are "alumnae." 
BUT I'd be willing to venture that if you went to an all-girls school, you'd know this by now, as it would be plastered all over everything.

The "alumnus" confusion comes from people not wanting to offend either gender by leaving them out. Unfortunately, the past was just like that. Girls were counted in with the boys and more nobly referred to with male suffixes. Whatever, at least we're allowed to learn in college now. And have jobs and stuff. And run grammar blogs.

alumni > alums