Know When To Hold OR Fold 'Em

Memorial Day must've sent a memo to Game of Thrones and Mad Men and been like THIS IS IT, DON'T GET SCARED NOW. "Blackwater" and "The Other Woman" were so jam-packed with actual action, they put earlier talky episodes to shame. Things are HAPPENING!! Because after next week, things will stop happening. Here's to season 6 of Mad Men, premiering December 2016.

Game of Thrones: The Seage
Tyrion's magical "Blackwater" was finally put to use this week, spilling gallons and gallons of bright green flame on half of Stannis's armada. I have to say, I'm impressed. We all know Tyrion's smart, but we also know (from the time he got hit in the face by friendly hammer-fire) that he's not really a soldier. So for him to plan and execute a strategy like this is pretty phenomenal. Shae's going to die soon, btw. No woman that spunky, no woman who swings around a stiletto blade that much gets out alive. Maybe she'll stab one guy's cheek before being brutally murdered. Maybe.

The Hound is amazing and while I'm glad that he ditches Joffrey, I wish he would throw the kid off a cliff first. Also, he and Bronn could have a ton of awesome adventures together, but it looks like the Hound only wants Sansa's company or, failing that, nobody's. Unfortunately, Sansa stays where she is. What a priss!!! The Hound stands alone!

Stuck with all the lady-nerds of King's Landing, Cersei gets trashed on wine and tears everyone a new asshole. She spells out the various ways Sansa is stupid and makes eyes at the executor, Ser Ilyn Payne. He's there so he can kill all the lady-nerds before they get raped or worse by Stannis's army. She also comes this close to figuring out Shae's secret, and I'm positive that no amount of small-knife threatening will thwart her. Cersei ends her evening by pulling Boy King Joffrey off the battlefield and then almost poisoning her other son.

I am thoroughly confused about Loras and why he seems to be leading a pack of Lannisters at the end. I understand why he's in Renly's steez, though. (It's because they used to be boyfriend-boyfriend.)

Great news, everyone: we still haven't been to the House of Freex. I'd assume we get to see it next week, but after these three dragonless weeks, I've realized that I assume wrong. MAYBE ONE DAY, DRAGONS?


Mad Men: Madame Holloway
SCDP is the place to be if you're a woman. You get to go on "dates" with fat, greasy businessmen and have Don Draper throw cash in your face. And on good days, you get to watch the guys eat lobster from The Palm! Life's looking pretty good for a young woman in 1966 (unless of course it's already early 1967, in which case all of this is only looking slightly pretty good). I can't believe all the things that happened this week on Mad Men. I can't believe they finally happened.

Joan Holloway is a brick house. Not just physically, but in just about every sense of the phrase. She was the backbone of Sterling Cooper and has become an even stronger backbone for SCDP. She's raising a child on her own and going through a divorce all while maintaining a pleasant demeanor. And now it's up to her to save the company - or not - by having sex with the swarthiest man in the world. Poor, poor Joan.

The partners vote on it, for God's sake! Even Sterling says yes, though I don't exactly remember that happening (was the vote offscreen?). Everyone but Don has faced the hard truth that they will not be getting Jaguar's business unless Joan goes and gets it for them. And how hypocritical is Don, going as hard as he does for the company (often at Peggy's expense) only to tell Joan that she shouldn't have to do anything she doesn't want to. I mean, OF COURSE she doesn't, but for Don to say it is like "OHHHHHHH I DID NOT REALIZE," which is me being as facetious as possible dressed in a 60s outfit and staring Don in the face at SCDP. Then I'd roll my eyes HARD and continue to be mad at him even though he is the only noble partner in this whole ordeal.

Don and Peggy. Peggy and Don. Maybe this is why I'm so FURIOUS with our lovable yet mysterious Don Draper (jk he's no longer either of those). He used to see something in Peggy. He used to help her out in his own way. He's been short with her for a while, either because he's been trying to treat her like one of the guys or because he honestly has no idea how to be an authority figure to a female he's not sleeping with. Over the past few seasons, Don has bitched Peggy out too many times to count. Whatever happened to "The Suitcase???" Whatever happened to hand holding? Whatever happened to if-you're-not-going-to-get-married-like-the-real-Draper-Daniels-and-the-real-Peggy-you-should-AT-LEAST-HAVE-A-MEANINGFUL-FRIENDSHIP? It's like Don forgot all about that. I like Megan, but she's blinded me (and definitely Don) to how much everyone's ignoring Peggy. Peggy was the other main character, as far as I was concerned. Now she's off to the side like Freddy Rumsen for God's sake.

So Peggy goes to Ted Cheaougugh and he offers her a job with his crew. When she tells Don, he kisses her hand for one entire hour. THANKS FOR THIS, DON. THIS REALLY MAKES UP FOR EVERYTHING. I'm surprised she could be as flattering and kind as she was in her resignation speech. Because again, if it were me, I might have been forced to be like "THANKS SO MUCH FOR TREATING ME LIKE A HUMAN BEING FOR SO MANY YEARS. IT'S BEEN AWESOME."

I hope they grab Peggy back during the season finale. I hope she and Joan get a hell of a lot more than they've been getting. I hope stupid Mad Men comes back before 2025. And I hope that when it does come back, Peggy and Joan own an ad agency called PJ's and it turns out they do all the "He went to Jared?!?!?!" commercials.

It could only be Jared!!!!!


Photos courtesy AMCtv.com and HBO