Game Of Thrones: "Mhysa"

Here we are, at the end of another season of Game of Thrones. The season only feels halfway done, probably because we were all well-warned that the third book would be split into two. I personally know of a spoiler that would've been a great shot to end this half of the season with, but I guess 50,000 perfectly arranged glamor shots of Daenerys J'ing herself O in a crowd of slaves has to suffice. Congratulations, mom.

TOMORROW

Game Of Thrones Recap: "The Rains of Castamere" AND THEN SOME AM I RIGHT????

WOW SOME REALLY BIG STUFF HAPPENED LAST NIGHT MOSTLY ONE THING BUT I'LL ALSO TALK ABOUT OTHER THINGS BUT OH MAN, THAT WAS SOME CRAZY STUFF! AND I DIDN'T EVEN SPOIL IT FOR ANYONE BEFOREHAND YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!

Game Of Thrones Recap: "Second Sons" [Or, "Never Saw It Coming"]

Sometimes danger's heading right for you and you never see it coming. Maybe you're a lamb and it's the butcher's blade. Maybe you're a nasty old mercenary and it's your handsome comrade's sword. Maybe you're a young, male virgin and it's a bunch of slimy, bloodthirsty leeches. Look, it's hard to have eyes in the back of your head. And even if you do know what's coming, sometimes it's hard to make yourself have sex with a 14-year-old, so you act like it's news to you that you'd have to consummate your own marrige. Of all the characters, only the Hound has the talent of knowing what's coming. I guess having your face held in a fire will make you alert to every angle danger may come from.

Game of Thrones Recap: "The Bear & The Maiden Fair"

Sure, Sunday night's Game of Thrones may have featured a huge and terrifying bear, three spiky dragons, and a cheeky psycho-imp wielding a castration tool, but I'm here to tell you folks that it was actually a tale of slavery and freedom, rather than monster nightmare fuel. Of all the horrifying things waiting to destroy you in Westeros (and beyond), the in/visible chains that keep you locked up are the most threatening. The slaves of Yunkai, Asshai, and even King's Landing are stuck that way indefinitely. At least with a giant bear, you'd die quickly.

Game of Thrones Recap: That's "The Climb!"

I've been watching a lot of Arrested lately, and it's coloring my perception of every other show. For instance, when Ygritte tells Jon Snow that she'll chop off his dick and wear it around her neck, I thought momentarily of Jaime wearing his own hand around his neck, then I spent thirty full minutes thinking about Buster's hand and how Game of Thrones just did such a good AD callback. (Jon even says "take my hand!" at one point!) Then Cersei reminded me of Lucille a little bit and Loras reminded me of Tobias ("It's more of a brooch, really") and I kept thinking about Arrested for thirty more minutes. Only 20 more days, guys!!!

JON & THE WALL (or, HAND-HOOKS)
Jon's climbing the Wall with Ygritte, RedHead, and Wargy. It's a treacherous adventure, icy wind cutting up their faces 400 feet in the air. At one point, Ygritte's pick splits a large chunk of ice right off the Wall, sending her and Jon plummeting. The warg wastes no time in cutting them off his rope, and Jon just barely survives and saves Ygritte. When they're all on top of the Wall, the two of them survey the vista. I'm like "kill the warg, though, right?" What the hold up is?

THE R'HLLOR REUNION (or, FAMILY LOVE R'HLLOR!)
Melisandre finds the Brotherhood without Banners (even though the Mountain never could) and Gendry, specifically (even though the official story is that Gendry's dead). She greets her fellow Fire God devotees and seems surprised that Beric could be resurrected 6 times. How is she surprised? Melisandre drank poison once. Wasn't that the same sort of thing?

After her goons seize Gendry for this blood ritual, Arya confronts the red priestess. She's still too little to be a real threat, but Melisandre sees many many murders in Arya's future. And they'll meet again, she says. Good. I can't wait for Arya to become an awesome little assassin who kills dumb ladies like this one.

THEON'S FINGER WILL NEVER BE THE SAME (or, I'M A MONSTERRRR!!!)
Theon's pint-sized torturer goes to town on his little finger (Littlefinger!) while answering questions about Theon's situation. Naturally, he's lying about all the answers, so now Theon knows less than ever before. He also has less finger-skin than ever before. Check out how many times the "flayed man" shape shows up in the episode:

What's going on there? We might as well bundle Jaime and Brienne into this section, too, because they have something else in common with Theon's torture scene: they drink wine that Lord Bolton won't drink while Theon's torturer pours out water Theon wants to drink. What's with all the non-drinking and the flayed man shapes? No rest for the weary? No water for the suffering, nor wine for the untrustworthy?

EDMURE'S GETTING MARRIED (or, HER?)
To fix Robb's mistake and regain access to Walder Frey's bridge, Edmure Tully must marry a Frey girl. He's understandably upset, and he wants to at least pick out the prettiest one. Robb hypocrites all over him and acts like that's totally unreasonable. Remember when Robb wanted to pick out the prettiest one? And then when he ditched the whole thing to marry some pretty third party? Nobody else seems to remember that.

SANSA'S GETTING MARRIED TOO! (or, I'VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE)
Sansa tearfully watches a ship sail out of the bay, and I can't tell if it's Littlefinger's or Loras's, but either way, she knows her fate is with Tyrion now. Tywin has convinced Lady Olenna to marry Cersei to Loras by threatening him with Kingsguard status, thereby keeping him from procreating (like he would've anyway) and ending the Tyrell line. Poor Sansa has been thrown from one chess player to another so many times, she has no way to orient herself anymore. But at least she's faring better than Ros, whom Littlefinger has finally given to his interested "friend." And we all thought Margaery had curbed Joffrey's tendencies...

 

photos courtesy HBO

Game of Thrones Recap: Fire Kissy

"Kissed By Fire" is a reference to the redheaded wildlings of the north, but we also happen to see a whole lot of Fire God devotees in this episode. Thoros of Myr channels R'hllor's magic to resurrect Beric Dondarrion, and even Stannis's wife (to whom Melisandre has told EVERYTHING) worships the Lord of Light from her Dragonstone tower. A monotheistic craze is sweeping Westeros, and honestly, it's got a pretty good chance at winning the throne. More are unified under R'hllor than under any other ruler. (Oh I get it, "R'hllor" = "ruler" = toot toot!)

JON SNOW FINALLY GETS BAOHHHNED
As the wildling generals press Jon for details about the Wall, Ygritte continues to defend the ex-crow's honor. Just to be sure, she takes his honor into her own hands and makes Jon break his vow of chastity in a hot spring cave. It turns out he's a preternaturally talented lover. Maybe his foray into "kissing her there" is the same thing that makes Podrick so legendary down in King's Landing. Or maybe the ladies of Westeros just have the lowest expectations of all time.


BERIC DONDARRAGAIN
Despite wielding a flaming sword, Beric loses the Hound's trial by combat. The Hound impales him and giggles at how much R'hllor must like him. But Thoros brings Beric back to life - for the sixth time - and soon the Hound is flipping out. He won his match, so he's free to go. But his tail is so far between his legs, you can see it in front. Arya is understandably upset.

THE HEADLESS CKARSTARK
Remember that bannerman who was ultra pissed at Catelyn for letting Jaime go? He finally gets his pale revenge by killing the Lannister prisoner boys at Riverrun. Robb is more upset about Carstark's Karstark's attitude than his crime, and he's compelled to hang the helpers and behead the leader. Of course, this halves Robb's forces on the battlefield. BUT WHAT'S RIGHT IS RIGHT!

Robb thinks he's got a fantastic solution in asking the Freys for help in taking Casterly Rock, but I'm not so sure. What on earth can he offer the Freys? Why would they help him now? It's going to be one awkward convo.

TY-LANNISTER-RELL
Cersei can tell the Tyrells are up to something, so she has Littlefinger look into it. His sneaky gay spy finds out that Loras plans to marry Sansa, and Cersei can't have that. She tells Tywin, who arranges to slip his children right into the equation: Tyrion will marry Sansa, and Cersei will marry Loras. This way, a Lannister will sit in the North and in the Reach. Cersei's like BUT I DIDN'T-- AWW, I WISH I WERE SMARTER!

Meanwhile, Olenna Tyrell remains the most cunning person in the capitol. I'd like to see her face off against Daenerys. What on earth would happen?

ANOTHER HOT TUB SCENE
What is this, Jersey Shore? What's with all the hot tubs lately? This time it's shared by Brienne and Jaime, the latter having just lost even more of his arm to a wacky maester whose "experiments" have been condemned as "too bold." The Kingslayer explains the context of Aegon's Aerys's murder (the Mad King wanted Jaime to bring him Tywin's head and planned to use wildfire to burn EVERYONE to the ground), and we see for the first time that maybe stabbing someone in the back isn't necessarily so ignoble. I did a little research, and it seems that Jaime was only around 16 when he became the Kingslayer. Then again, I believe Robb's supposed to be that age now. When I was 16, my main accomplishment was successfully setting the VCR to record Gilmore Girls and Smallville every week.

STANNIS'S DAUGHTER & THE ONION KNIGHT
At Melisandre's bidding, Stannis visits his cloistered wife and daughter in a Dragonstone tower. I vaguely remember something about him needing royal blood, and I'm worried for the kid (Shireen, I think). Shireen suffers from greyscale, a disease that makes half her face hard and stony, but she's a sunny girl who loves her father's friend, the Onion Knight. Unfortunately, his outburst against Melisandre made him a traitor. Shireen visits him in the dungeon and offers him books, then offers to teach him to read. Shireen = Bobby Draper tonight. Sometimes children are waaaayyyy better than everyone else.

DAENERYS FERYS BOBERYS
Now that Daenerys is on her way to Yunkai, she wants her soldiers to give themselves names they can be proud of. Grey Worm, the head soldier, tells her he likes his slave name because it's the name he had when Daenerys Stormborn freed him. Plus, again, what would a person whose free will has been beaten out of him choose? "My name is, uhhh, whatever you want?" Nearby Jorah Mormont and Barristan Selmy have a pissing contest over who's more loyal to the mother of dragons. I guess it's a reasonable question, since there are now 8,000 unquestionably loyal soldiers ready to do anything for her.

PEOPLE WHO'VE BEEN "KISSED BY FIRE"

• Melisandre (obviously)
• Thoros of Myr & Beric Dondarrion (see above)
• Stannis's wife (")
• Stannis's daughter (because she's a red head!)
• Catelyn & Sansa Stark (same reason)
• Ygritte (")
• Tyrion (about to marry a redhead)
• Jaime (that whole wildfire plot seemed to have kissed his brain pretty permanently)
• Daenerys (routinely, by her dragons)

FINALLY,

photos courtesy HBO

Game Of Thrones Recap: NO JEOR NOOOOO!

No Robb, no Stannis, no problem! Last night's "And Now His Watch Is Ended" jettisoned GoT's non-starter storylines and embraced its more active ones, and I'm hoping this pace holds up through the end of the season. Let Astapor be a coxswain for the rest of the game board! Onwards, Westeros!

JAMBRIENNE: KEEPING EACH OTHER ALIVE

What we have here is a classic romcom set-up: now that Jaime's lost his hand, he's totally hopeless! He falls into mud puddles nonstop and drinks horse pee. He's so distraught, he even stops eating. It's up to Brienne to cheer him up, so she reminds him how bad every single other person in the world has it. She can't help asking why he saved her with the Sapphire-Tarth lie, and he finds he has no answer. It's time for a long, handless, soul-searching journey of the heart.

 

HOW VARYS BECAME VARYS
Tyrion visits the Spider to find out why Cersei tried to have him killed at Blackwater. Although Varys has no answer for that, he does finally explain how he became a eunuch. A magician bought him as a young boy, you'd think to molest him, but instead he paralyzed Varys and fed his severed penis and testicles to a blue brazier that spoke back. Instead of going Jaime's route and giving up, Varys took himself from the slums of Myr to the Small Council of the King. And along the way he found his old magician friend and stowed him in a box. This is all to say Varys hates magic.

BRAN DREAMS™
In the latest installment of Bran Dreams™, Jojen encourages Bran to climb a tree to catch the 3-eyed raven. Up in the tree, Catelyn warns him never to climb anymore, and she throws him off just like Jaime did. I think I might've seen a Worry Doll Wreath™ in there. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH JOFFREY'S FROWN
Joffrey shows Margaery around the Targaryan crypts, cackling gleefully as he recounts their gruesome deaths. Margaery loves his stories as always, and she "accidentally" steers them toward the front doors of the castle, where commoners are griping loudly. She encourages Joffrey to stand there and smile, just like her, waving to the people so they can admire their king. This may be the first time I've seen Joffrey smile without holding a weapon.

THEON'S MADE A HUGE MISTAKE
Theon and his mysterious savior return to the castle to beg his sister Yara for protection. Along the way, Theon regrets his choice to "pay the iron price" for Winterfell, and he mourns his "real father" Ned. I never thought Theon was capable of such reflection and remorse. I thought his brain was too little for self-review. Is this a new Theon Greyjoy? And will it matter, now that he's right back in his old torture chamber, betrayed by his teensy Northern-born rescuer?

THE WEB IN THE ROSE GARDEN
Thanks to Ros the Literate Ex-Prostitute, Varys figures out that Littlefinger wants to take Sansa away with him to the Aerie. He relays his concern to Lady Olenna, noting that Sansa's claim to Winterfell would allow Littlefinger to raise an army. So they hatch a scheme for Margaery to carry out: the queen-to-be takes Sansa on a walk and suggests she marry Loras. She tells her she'd like to be sisters, but really, the marriage would prove one huge problem-solver. Sansa would gain her freedom from the Lannisters, and Margaery would avoid a Littlefinger uprising during her reign. This all seems great, which means it inevitably will turn into shit.

MORE LIKE CRASTER'S LOSE
The remaining members of the Night's Watch are recuperating at Craster's Keep, but they're starving to death without any of his food. Jeor does his best to keep his men under control, but they mutiny anyway. They kill Craster purposefully and Jeor foolishly. Depending on how many men are left at the Wall, the Night's Watch may have just ended. AND JEOR'S GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

BERIC DONDARRION
Here we are, face to face with Beric Dondarrion, the coolest mystery guy around. Ned trusted him to kill the Mountain a decade ago, but he never could. Which makes it pretty lucky that his brother, the Hound, has just arrived in chains. The Hound will face all his past crimes in a trial by combat, and Beric will invoke Melisandre's god, R'hllor, to fight him. I can't WAIT for next week. I don't even know how to feel, besides excited.

NO DUH SHE SPEAKS VALYRIAN
Last week, when Dany offered to buy all 8,000 Unsullied for the price of one dragon, I hoped she might have something up her sleeve. It turns out, she has several things up her sleeve. First of all, she speaks High Valyrian very well, so she's heard everything Watto Rudeguy has said. Secondly, "a dragon is not a slave," which will make it hard for Watto to cash in on his payment. Particularly when said dragon is incinerating him to death. And lastly, Daenerys orders her troops to turn against their old masters and kill every last person holding a whip, thereby destroying Astapor. She's pretty good at this game!

After the ash settles, Dany frees her slave army and asks them to fight for her on their own volition. It's a nice thought, but can you really pose such a question to men who've had the ability to choose beaten out of them? I guess just as long as the illusion of choice is out there, that's all that matters. If Dany doesn't think she's a slave master, then I guess she isn't? Either way, she's killing it.


photos courtesy HBO

Game Of Thrones Recap: Walk of [Shame &] Punishment

Welcome to Riverrun, the stomping grounds of Catelyn Stark, Littlefinger Baelish, and Lysa "Freakshow" Arryn. It's the newest location we've seen on the opening credits map, and something tells me it'll become important soon. But for right now, it's just another section of the game board, and I love it that way:

UNCLE BLACKFISH
Catelyn's father has died, and her younger brother Edmure can't seem to get those flaming arrows to hit his funeral boat-pyre. Uncle Blackfish takes over and hits the boat with one try, turning around before he even sees it make contact like one of those cool bowlers. "Did I get a strike? Oh, cool, I was hoping I might. Didn't see."

Something tells me this is symbolic, but what does it mean? Old guys who make their own fortunes are more competent than young men who inherit theirs? If this whole thing is a "game" of thrones, "winning" power must be more legitimate than having it default to you? Blackfish explains to Edmure how badly Robb needs their support and armies. Do you really have to be 58 years old before you can figure this out on your own?

MTV VJ JULISSA DOES SOMETHING COOL FOR ONCE
Talisa perpetuates rumors about Robb turning into a wolf at night as she dresses the little Lannister prisoners' scrapes. Thank you for not ruining ONE thing, finally!

THE BANK OF TYRION
Tywin makes Tyrion the Substitute Master of Coin so that Littlefinger can go to the Vale of Arryn to see about marring Lysa. As Littlefinger shows Tyrion around, he thanks him for releasing Ros, but no one offers any details about how that happened. It was clearly a power play, and I really would've liked to see how Tyrion choreographed her release.

As Tyrion's first act as Master of Coin, he sets up his squire Podrick with a 3-prostitute, virginity-ruining rager. Then he figures out that the kingdom is up to its eyeballs in debt to Tywin. Then he hears that the ladies had so much fun with Podrick, they returned their payment. Tyrion's like "HOLD UP, PRIORITIZE. LET ME SEE YO DICK, SON!!!!!"

ABOVE THE WALL IS A HORRIBLE PLACE
Mance Rayder and his troops come across a giant spiral made of dead horse and man parts buried in the snow. "Always the artists," he compliments the Wights. He wants Jon to scale the Wall and surprise everyone inside. Great, should be easy enough.

The remaining members of the Night's Watch hole up at Craster's Keep for the night, and Craster asks why they don't eat Samwell to survive. My God, he's so right. I have truly never wanted to eat someone as much as I want to eat Samwell right now. He looks delicious. Like, so succulent. He looks like a rich, fatty, 5'3" walking porkchop. I've never felt this way before!

NOOOO! HOT PIEEEEE!!!!!!
Arya, Gendry, and the Brotherhood leave Hot Pie behind because his brown bread has earned him a bakery job at an inn. I never thought I would be this sad to see him go. I think I like him more than I like Samwell because at least he's got enough sense to be pissy about his place in life. He bakes Arya a wolf-shaped bread and watches her go.

THEON HAS TO BE RESCUED TWICE
You know how to figure out if someone's worth rescuing? If they need the same help twice, they're useless, Theon. He finds a white horse (the most visible horse color) and canters through the woods, noticing only too late that a whole bunch of guys are hot on his tail. Yet again, this mystery dude saves Theon, but not before Theon's pants are down under his butt. Is this what it takes to keep Theon alive? If so, maybe go ahead and let him die, guys?

Theon Greyjoy is the Pete Campbell of Westeros - greedy, entitled, unbothered by his lack of sexual prowess and, in fact, still positive that he deserves a diverse array of poontang. Granted, he's a hard worker, but unfortunately, it's for none of the right reasons. Theon and Pete will most likely outlast everyone else.

STANNIS'S FIRES BURN LOW
Stannis complains to Melisandre about how much he wants to kill the teen kings of Westeros (Joffrey and Robb). She heavily implies that he should kill his own kid. These two!

WE'VE BEEN UPGRADED FROM "DON'T BUY!"
Why the HELL is Dany going to give away one of her dragons to buy the Unsullied. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

This better be a giant ruse where the dragon she "sells" will kill Astapor Watto in a fiery blaze and return to her in mere minutes. The lady slave she purchased reminds her that "valar morghulis" (all men must die), but the khaleesi responds with "we are not men." THIS DRAGON BETTER KILL ALL MEN, THEN.

BRIENNE AND JAIME: GOTCHO BACK
Brienne and Jaime are strapped back-to-back on a Bolton horse, arguing about their odds of escaping. Brienne's pretttty sure she could take them all, but Jaime begs her not to. They're arguing like oldyweds! The Boltons want to rape and kill Brienne since Jaime's the only one they need alive. Jaime talks them out of harming her, since her father has more sapphires than anyone else in the world (Tarth is famous for sapphires, after all), and his cooler head prevails. But only until they CUT OFF HIS SWORD HAND, instead. WHAT! If anyone can learn to fight just as well with his other hand, it's Jaime, but MAN!

"WALK OF PUNISHMENT"
This episode presented variations on the themes of competence (see: the flaming arrow scene, Theon's repeated inability to save himself) as well as absentee motherhood (see: Catelyn fearing she'll never see Bran and Rickon again, Dany using a dragon-child as currency). But what should we make of the "Walk of Punishment" episode title? Is Theon taking a walk of punishment for his crimes on Winterfell, or is he running away from punishment? Is Catelyn punishing herself too much for leaving the kids at home without enough protection? What sort of punishment will Daenerys rain on Watto once the deal is done? Because there's no way she's really selling that dragon. There's no FREAKING way.

Update: The Walk of Punishment is the name of that road Daenerys walks down where everyone's getting crucified on upper case Ts. Yipes.

photos courtesy HBO

Game of Thrones Recap: The Ducks Of "Dark Wing"

"Dark Wings, Dark Words" brought out the remaining characters we missed in episode 1 and introduced a few new ones, as well. Brienne and Jaime are back, along with Arya and her ragtag friends Gendry and Hot Pie. Bran's back, too, and he's now joined by the Amazing Reed Siblings, Jojen and Meera. Talk about a talent family. Am I nervous about how plotlines will shake out now that there are one million characters to keep track of? You bet. Am I already majorly T.O.'d at how much more Robb I seem to be seeing than Daenerys? YEP, BIG TIME. Am I terrified of Thoros of Myr? So much, I can't even describe it. Game of Thrones is back!!!!! Again!

3-EYED RAVENS, 2-SIBLING FAMILIES, & 1-WORD VOCABULARIES ("Hodor")
Bran dreams of the 3-eyed raven yet again, and this time a young man comes along in the dream and tells him that the raven is Bran. Very soon after Bran wakes up, the young man and his sister stumble upon the camp and introduce themselves. They're Jojen and Meera Reed, and they've been looking for Bran for a long time.

Jojen tells Bran he's a warg, which explains all those direwolf-vision dreams. He also tells him the 3-eyed raven means he's got other kinds of sight, and it's only a matter of time before he can see the future like Jojen (which is how he knows all this stuff). JOJEN IS AWESOME AND HIS SISTER IS TOO. THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN SAY THAT WILL EVER CHANGE THAT. I'm all set to turn Game of Thrones into the Jojen & Bran Hour. I would watch 10 episodes of that in a heartbeat.

MR & MRS ROBB TIME-WASTINGTON
This is wild: everyone's still concerned that Robb married MTV VJ Julissa "Charlie" Chaplin! I'm still concerned that it's so boring. It's so boring. And now they're on their way to a funeral.

Later on Catelyn teaches Toolisa how to weave a Worry Doll Wreath™ and tells her about the two other times she's made them: once when Bran was in a coma (remember?!?!?!), and once when Jon Snow was very little and deathly ill. She'd been callously praying for him to disappear, but once his death was imminent, she knitted this twig nightmare to keep him alive. She thought she could welcome him to the family, but even after he got better, she couldn't. Catelyn whole-heartedly believes that everything bad that's happened to the Starks is due to her inability to show Jon kindness. Huh, I didn't realize Catelyn was Jewish.

CHEER UP, THEON
Kid's getting tortured and he's not even sure why. These strangers are screwing a thingie into his foot, demanding "the truth." Which truth do they want? He's sort of an ass? He felt up his sister? His (Linus) is shaped like (a lobster tail, but without its shell)? Some dude offers to help Theon escape, but I've got a bad feeling about it.

MARGAERY & JOFFREY: LOVE SPIES
Over at Joffrey's new robe fitting (NO FLOWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!), Cersei tries to enlighten her son-king about why Margaery does the things she does. She wears teeny dresses and visits orphans to make everyone love her, and to Cersei, that's pathetic.

At the same time, Margaery and her grandmother (Lady Olenna) invite Sansa to their garden party to get the dish on Joffrey. For having kept up such a brave face through so much, Sansa really just lets loose with these two. She tells them he's a monster. She tells them about being forced to look at her father's head on a stick. I hope these broads can keep a secret because SHEESH.

Eventually, Margaery gets some alone time with Joffrey. She explains what was "wrong" with Renly and zeroes in on what seems to get Joffrey going: extreme violence. This girl is a genius. Just by holding a crossbow, she has Joffrey wrapped around her finger.

MR & MRS TYRION MORE-TIME-WASTINGTON
Shae wants to know what exactly is wrong with Littlefinger, based on Ros's cryptic warning last week. Tyrion wants Shae to stop showing up places where she could get killed. I want them BOTH to stop getting in my FACE unless they are for some reason discussing Daenerys or something COOL.

WILDLING WARGS
Jon Snow sees a warg in a trance for the first time. It's great context for what's going on with Jojen and Bran, but something tells me I would've understood even without the illustration. Also, no giants. This is a bad night for above-the-Wall entertainment.

C'MON SAMWELL
Yikes, buddy.

THE BROTHERHOOD GETS A SISTER
Arya, Gendry, and Hot Pie drag their new fancy swords through the forest sometime after escaping Harrenhal. They run into the Brotherhood without Banners, aka the exact people the Mountain wanted to find so badly, and nearly get killed. Their leader, Thoros of Myr, seems to like Arya's spunk. Thank God, because these guys seem pretty good at whatever it is they do.

They invite the kids to eat with them, so Arya naturally tries to swordfight Thoros. He disarms her immediately and has a great time doing it. Somebody drags in the Hound, who tells everyone who Arya is within 3 seconds. Arya's not killing it right now, downlow-wise. Come to think of it, neither Stark daughter is.

JAIMRIENNE
Brienne and Jaime are at it again, marching southward far from the King's Road. He teases out her history with Renly and alerts her to the public knowledge that he was very gay indeed. Welcome To The Club, Brienne.

Eventually he distracts her enough to break free from the leash she's been using, and they fight on a bridge where EVERYONE can see them. I assumed he'd throw himself off the bridge as an escape tactic, but he doesn't get the chance before Vladimir Wolodarsky and the rest of House Bolton shows up. Can't miss that flayed-man flag!

DARK WINGS, DARK WORDS
So what are the dark wings and words the title references? My best guess is that the wings are Bran's ability to "fly" as that 3-eyed raven, which is how Jojen describes using his new-found mental power. The dark words are trickier because there aren't any ominous "Valar Morghulis"-type phrases taught to anyone during the episode. I'm guessing all the candid conversations about Joffrey being a monster and wishing Jon Snow would die are bleak enough to be dark words. Listening through mental sight and speaking through evil thoughts - just use your mouths already, guys! Amirite????


All photos courtesy HBO

Game Of Thrones Recap: Valar Dohaeris

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!

Game of Thrones came back last night and I've already seen it twice and I plan to watch it a billion more times before next week's episode! I'm so happy! "Valar Dohaeris" was a large-scale episode with something like 12 distinct storylines so that we could remember where everyone left off at the end of last season, like we didn't all just rewatch season 2 to prepare. Welcome back, Game of Thrones. I've missed you!!!!!

I'll just go down the list:

SAMWELL TARLY & THE NIGHT'S WATCH
Last we saw Sam, he was peeing his pants in the middle of a huge throng of frozen zombies ("Wights") led by White Walkers ("Others"). Right now he's chugging it through the snow, trying to get back to the Wall to warn everyone. He runs into his now-headless friend and almost gets killed, but Ghost (Jon Snow's white direwolf) saves him. Lord Commander Jeor Mormont is pissed because Sam was supposed to do something with messenger crows. But where would he have sent them from?

JON SNOW & MANCE RAYDER'S CAMP
I am so into this giant, you guys. Jon sees his first giant and I LIKE this guy.

Eventually Jon presents himself to Mance Rayder, the leader of the free wildlings, and manages to convince him that he truly wants to defect from the Night's Watch. He saw what Craster does to those babies. He doesn't want to do business with people who do business with white walkers, so he's joining the descendents of the First Men. If that explanation is good enough for Mance, I guess it's good enough for me.

:( THE LANNISTERS :(
First things first, Cersei makes her way into Tyrion's new quarters and makes the exact same joke Pycelle made at the end of last season: Tyrion's so small, he doesn't need that much space to begin with. Haha! I love it when good shows repeat themselves. The joke will probably come back to haunt the taunters, but how and when?

Cersei heard that Tyrion wants to speak to Tywin and she wants to know what he's going to say. In better shape, Tyrion would've come up with a clever lie to tell his sister to keep her out of his hair. But right now, Tyrion is scarred and uncertain. How long has he been recuperating?

When he finally sees Tywin, Tyrion doesn't ask for recognition on the battlefield - instead he asks for Casterly Rock, since Jaime can't inherit it and Tyrion's next in line. It seems like the sort of request Tywin might respect, but unfortunately, Tywin still hates him A LOT for killing his mother.  He won't be inheriting Casterly Rock. But he does have that kickin' scar, so.

DAVOS DIDN'T DIE!
I knew it! I was hoping he didn't die! We saw Davos get thrown from the ship, but we didn't see him die, so he's here, alive, stranded on a big rock. He flags down a nearby ship that thankfully belongs to Stannis. On board with that black pirate guy (Salladhor Saan), he debates wanting to get Stannis away from Melisandre. "Either way you'll probably die," says Salladhor.

When he finally gets to Stannis's war table, Davos demands him to stop seeing Melisandre. Then he's stupid enough to pull a knife on her. She tells him they only lost at Blackwater because she wasn't allowed to be there. A) Who didn't allow her to be there? and B) I'd like to see what she would've done. I bet it would've been awesome if it worked. I'd like her to meet Daenerys and shit a brick.

ROBB & MOM
The Starks find Harrenhal completely sacked, and everyone there (save for one guy) has been murdered. Yikes + a little boring = this.

SANSA, LITTLEFINGER, & A COUPLE WHORES
Sansa and Shae speculate about the people who are allowed to leave King's Landing in the great ships in the bay. Sansa wants to leave, and although she refused Littlefinger's help last season, she seems to want it now. I don't know what Littlefinger wants and I don't want to know.

Ros and Shae, two prostitute foils who both enter the series servicing Tyrion Lannister, meet for the first time. Since Ros doesn't look bruised, I can only assume Cersei and Tywin figured out that she isn't Tyrion's real lover - but doesn't that mean they know it's Shae? Why isn't she bruised or, even more likely, dead? Ros warns Shae to look out for Sansa, especially around Littlefinger. I hope she lives long enough to do so.

JOFFREY & MARGAERY OF THE PEOPLE
On their way back to the castle, Margaery has her guards stop to let her visit an orphanage. Joffrey just sits in his lifty-box and pouts. She seems to really understand how to play this game, and in about ten or fifteen years, she'll have an orphanage's worth of young, fighting-age men who think the world of her. This bitch is flipping the script all over the place.

At dinner that night, Cersei tries to make her feel stupid for wearing a summery dress when it's slightly cold outside. Margaery takes the hit and serves it right back with a compliment to Cersei's ornamental armor. She's much better at verbal tennis than Joffrey is. Cersei talks about how dangerous Flea Bottom was when they threw a turd at Joffrey's face, and Joffrey's like "GOSH MOM CHILL IT'S FINE U OVERREACTED." The faces are amazing:

DAENERYS, DRAGONS, THE UNSULLIED & THE UNNIPPLED
Dany has used Xaro's fortune to buy a ship, and she's sailing to Astapor to get an army. Her dragons have grown, but not to the size the trailer suggested. They're like the size of flying goats, I guess. Is that a size?

Dany and Jorah Mormont talk to the human equivalent of Watto from Star Wars about buying his slave army. These men are bred for apathy and ruthlessness. One in four survives training, and those who do survive must kill an infant in front of its mother before they can join the Unsullied. Dany's disgusted, but Jorah convinces her that she's the best commander they could have. Some guy loses a nip. It's rough.

At the very end of the episode, Dany makes friends with a little girl in the market who tosses her a wooden ball. Inside the ball is a terrifying scorpion, and Dany narrowly escapes being bitten when a cloaked stranger stabs the thing to death. He chases the warlock girl (her teeth are blue and rotten) over the pier, but she ends up on a roof somehow and gets away. The stranger turns out to be Barristan Selmy, the head of the kingsguard for Dany's father as well as for Robert Baratheon. He wants to head up her queensguard now. I'm cool with it!

WELCOME BACK, GAME OF THRONES!

photos courtesy hbo.com and Watto courtesy of this place