Game of Thrones came back last night and I've already seen it twice and I plan to watch it a billion more times before next week's episode! I'm so happy! "Valar Dohaeris" was a large-scale episode with something like 12 distinct storylines so that we could remember where everyone left off at the end of last season, like we didn't all just rewatch season 2 to prepare. Welcome back, Game of Thrones. I've missed you!!!!!
I'll just go down the list:
SAMWELL TARLY & THE NIGHT'S WATCH
Last we saw Sam, he was peeing his pants in the middle of a huge throng of frozen zombies ("Wights") led by White Walkers ("Others"). Right now he's chugging it through the snow, trying to get back to the Wall to warn everyone. He runs into his now-headless friend and almost gets killed, but Ghost (Jon Snow's white direwolf) saves him. Lord Commander Jeor Mormont is pissed because Sam was supposed to do something with messenger crows. But where would he have sent them from?
JON SNOW & MANCE RAYDER'S CAMP
I am so into this giant, you guys. Jon sees his first giant and I LIKE this guy.
Eventually Jon presents himself to Mance Rayder, the leader of the free wildlings, and manages to convince him that he truly wants to defect from the Night's Watch. He saw what Craster does to those babies. He doesn't want to do business with people who do business with white walkers, so he's joining the descendents of the First Men. If that explanation is good enough for Mance, I guess it's good enough for me.
:( THE LANNISTERS :(
First things first, Cersei makes her way into Tyrion's new quarters and makes the exact same joke Pycelle made at the end of last season: Tyrion's so small, he doesn't need that much space to begin with. Haha! I love it when good shows repeat themselves. The joke will probably come back to haunt the taunters, but how and when?
Cersei heard that Tyrion wants to speak to Tywin and she wants to know what he's going to say. In better shape, Tyrion would've come up with a clever lie to tell his sister to keep her out of his hair. But right now, Tyrion is scarred and uncertain. How long has he been recuperating?
When he finally sees Tywin, Tyrion doesn't ask for recognition on the battlefield - instead he asks for Casterly Rock, since Jaime can't inherit it and Tyrion's next in line. It seems like the sort of request Tywin might respect, but unfortunately, Tywin still hates him A LOT for killing his mother. He won't be inheriting Casterly Rock. But he does have that kickin' scar, so.
DAVOS DIDN'T DIE!
I knew it! I was hoping he didn't die! We saw Davos get thrown from the ship, but we didn't see him die, so he's here, alive, stranded on a big rock. He flags down a nearby ship that thankfully belongs to Stannis. On board with that black pirate guy (Salladhor Saan), he debates wanting to get Stannis away from Melisandre. "Either way you'll probably die," says Salladhor.
When he finally gets to Stannis's war table, Davos demands him to stop seeing Melisandre. Then he's stupid enough to pull a knife on her. She tells him they only lost at Blackwater because she wasn't allowed to be there. A) Who didn't allow her to be there? and B) I'd like to see what she would've done. I bet it would've been awesome if it worked. I'd like her to meet Daenerys and shit a brick.
ROBB & MOM
The Starks find Harrenhal completely sacked, and everyone there (save for one guy) has been murdered. Yikes + a little boring = this.
SANSA, LITTLEFINGER, & A COUPLE WHORES
Sansa and Shae speculate about the people who are allowed to leave King's Landing in the great ships in the bay. Sansa wants to leave, and although she refused Littlefinger's help last season, she seems to want it now. I don't know what Littlefinger wants and I don't want to know.
Ros and Shae, two prostitute foils who both enter the series servicing Tyrion Lannister, meet for the first time. Since Ros doesn't look bruised, I can only assume Cersei and Tywin figured out that she isn't Tyrion's real lover - but doesn't that mean they know it's Shae? Why isn't she bruised or, even more likely, dead? Ros warns Shae to look out for Sansa, especially around Littlefinger. I hope she lives long enough to do so.
JOFFREY & MARGAERY OF THE PEOPLE
On their way back to the castle, Margaery has her guards stop to let her visit an orphanage. Joffrey just sits in his lifty-box and pouts. She seems to really understand how to play this game, and in about ten or fifteen years, she'll have an orphanage's worth of young, fighting-age men who think the world of her. This bitch is flipping the script all over the place.
At dinner that night, Cersei tries to make her feel stupid for wearing a summery dress when it's slightly cold outside. Margaery takes the hit and serves it right back with a compliment to Cersei's ornamental armor. She's much better at verbal tennis than Joffrey is. Cersei talks about how dangerous Flea Bottom was when they threw a turd at Joffrey's face, and Joffrey's like "GOSH MOM CHILL IT'S FINE U OVERREACTED." The faces are amazing:
DAENERYS, DRAGONS, THE UNSULLIED & THE UNNIPPLED
Dany has used Xaro's fortune to buy a ship, and she's sailing to Astapor to get an army. Her dragons have grown, but not to the size the trailer suggested. They're like the size of flying goats, I guess. Is that a size?
Dany and Jorah Mormont talk to the human equivalent of Watto from Star Wars about buying his slave army. These men are bred for apathy and ruthlessness. One in four survives training, and those who do survive must kill an infant in front of its mother before they can join the Unsullied. Dany's disgusted, but Jorah convinces her that she's the best commander they could have. Some guy loses a nip. It's rough.
At the very end of the episode, Dany makes friends with a little girl in the market who tosses her a wooden ball. Inside the ball is a terrifying scorpion, and Dany narrowly escapes being bitten when a cloaked stranger stabs the thing to death. He chases the warlock girl (her teeth are blue and rotten) over the pier, but she ends up on a roof somehow and gets away. The stranger turns out to be Barristan Selmy, the head of the kingsguard for Dany's father as well as for Robert Baratheon. He wants to head up her queensguard now. I'm cool with it!
WELCOME BACK, GAME OF THRONES!
photos courtesy hbo.com and Watto courtesy of this place
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