Walking Dead Recap: Welcome To The [Dumb] Tombs

Dear Walking Dead,

Hi how's it going I am fine. But seriously though, what's going on with you? Is everything ok? Are you feeling alright? Because you're acting very weird. You used to be so exciting and interesting, sometimes even insightful. Lately I've been noticing a sluggish reticence in your pacing, a surprisingly unintelligent heft in your decision-making. Is something holding you back? Do you need a break? Well, good news. You're all done for the season. I wish I could say it was a whiz-bang ending, but buddy, I can't lie to you. YOU LEFT THE GOVERNOR ALIVE?

Forever yours,
Becky

Great news, the Governor's beating someone up. We think it's Andrea until it's revealed that Milton is the captive, and we revel in watching the nerdlinger really get it, right in his face. The Governor drags him to Andrea's cell, where she is handcuffed to King Kong poles yet clothed and seated in a chair at the same time. It's like the Sandals of torture chambers. Milton knocks over the tray of (as yet unused?) torture tools and picks everything up except a pair of pliers. That's Milton, always thinking. But for god's sake, don't leave something pointy like a screwdriver.

The Governor wants Milton to kill Andrea, and he will one way or another. Milton tries to attack the Governor but ends up with a mortal stomach wound, so the Governor locks him in the cell in the hopes that his reanimated corpse will kill her anyway. This is promising. Glenn fought off a zombie once with both hands tied to a chair and no tools - this should be a piece of cake.

Unfortunately, Andrea takes forever to do anything. She fiddles with the pliers using her bare feet and stops working whenever she talks to or looks at Milton. She offers to save him once she's free. Oh man, Andrea, come on. Did you know that she just didn't want anyone to die? I knew that because she keeps saying it 1000 times a minute. And all that talking means no handcuff-picking.

Milton could've left a sharper tool on the ground. Andrea could've asked Milton to die in a farther corner of the room. Milton could've tied his shoelaces together before dying. Andrea could've asked Milton to try to injure his head. Instead she drops the pliers with her toes.

Over at the prison, Carl's pissed. They're loading up the cars to abandon their season 3 home, and Carl must've been on the "stay & defend" side of the debate. Michonne thanks Rick for taking her in when he could've just snatched the baby formula out of her hands. It's nice to see Michonne talk so much, but her reasoning is flawed - I'd like to see anyone snatch anything out of her hands and live to tell.

The Governor brings all his troops (except Tyreese and his sister (we finally know it's for sure his sister!)) to the prison. Their military convoy comes equipped with Martinez shooting a freaking bazooka at all the guard towers and nearby zombies. A spike chain blows out their tires once they're in the yard, but they don't seem to notice. The Woodburians spill out of the trucks and approach the eerily empty cell block. Inside, there's a single booby trap - open this door and a siren and smoke bombs will go off - but it doesn't seem to attract all that much mayhem. The Governor's troops skedaddle pretty easily, considering their tires are blown out and the prison's other cell blocks are FULL of hungry zombies who are also attracted to siren noises and oh yeah, some of the prison gang is still around in full riot gear to snipe them. Is everything ok, Walking Dead? I only ask because you set something up and then forgot to have it pay off.

The Governor leaves Tyreese's white friend's kid behind, and the kid stumbles upon Carl and Hershel and Beth in the woods. Carl tells him to drop his gun, but he doesn't. He slowly hands him the gun, very fishily, and Carl's like "forget this" and just wastes him right there. Hershel is DUMBFOUNDED. Back at the prison, everyone says "We did it!" over and over, like they actually did something. It's very confusing.

Naturally Hershel and Rick have a very boring discussion about what it means that Carl actually did something while everyone else stood around scratching their butts. Is there too much Shane in Carl? Is that why we were supposed to be worried about Judith's paternity - because we should actually be worried about Carl's psyche's paternity? I'm not worried at all. I think Carl's great now.

The Governor honks very loudly at his convoy to get them to pull over and then he mows all of his people down with a machine gun. AND THEN MARTINEZ AND THE OTHER DUDE GET IN THE CAR WITH HIM. Why would they ever do that, Walking Dead? What are you thinking? The Governor just killed every remaining Woodburian who isn't an old woman or a baby. What assurance does Martinez have that he won't kill him? What can Gov possibly offer Martinez now? Why wouldn't Martinez and the other dude kill this psycho? Just because "the world's going crazy" doesn't mean people don't still need sensical motivations. Even if logic doesn't enter into their actions, characters still need to have brains. They're not just names on a script.

At this point there is a Star Trek trailer and it's probably the best part of this episode. Granted, the trailer for the newly revived The Killing was probably the worst part.

Rick, Daryl, and Michonne leave Carl behind yet again to storm Woodbury. On the road they come across the zombified massacre and one remaining Woodburian, a woman named Karen. She sure doesn't need to scare them by slapping the car window really loudly to let them know she's there. In fact, there are millions of better ways to tell people you're there.

Back in Andrea's torture chamber, she has one hand free. SHE HAS ONE HAND FREE AND SHE HAS A WEAPON IN THAT HAND BUT SHE DOESN'T KILL ZOMBIE MILTON WITH IT. No, instead she tries to jimmy her other hand free real quick. I can't.

Rick, Daryl, and Michonne bypass Tyreese because Karen is luckily a concise and effective enough communicator to explain the whole Governor massacre using only like 2-3 sentences. I guess she knows about the secret torture chamber or something because they find it immediately. Guess who got bitten in the neck. I'm done.

Here lies Andrea Dumbsmith, who "didn't want anyone to die." The only thing that's satisfying here is Michonne's grief for her friend. Andrea, for God's sake, you ran through the woods with a bag full of guns for an entire night once and you made it. You learned how to shoot a gun after being largely useless. You couldn't stab this nerd with your free hand? Pliers aren't pointy, but they do taper off. Were you out of adrenaline? Did you just want to die with your lover-dork, Milton? I can't do this!

A new day dawns on the prison as they bus all the old ladies and babies and Tyreese and his sister back to the prison. AND THAT'S THE END. Where's the Governor? What is the group headed for next season? "Eh, they won't care," The Walking Dead assures itself. WOW, SUCK A LEMON AND SIT ON IT!

Here is an elaborate fan fiction I have written to replace the last half of the episode:

The Governor knew he shouldn't be leading his troops from the front in this murky green hallway. He knew things were altogether too placid at the abandoned prison. But he kept leading the way, hoping to find something, anything that would put up a fight. He opened a door that set off a few smoke bombs and that grating prison siren. "Go back!" he shouted to the Woodburians, but when they turned they saw a stream of zombie prisoners coming at them. Little did they know, someone had propped open the door that connected the prison laundry center to the other cell blocks.

A middle-aged woman at the back went down first, hungry zombies enveloping her like ants on fallen candy. Her husband started shooting like crazy and accidentally took down two of his fellow troops. These were civilians, after all, and they'd never really been trained in this sort of situation. The hallway quickly filled up with multiplying shuffling ghouls.

The Governor found his way out of the cell block back out into the prison yard with about half of his troops only to be met with Glenn and Maggie's fire from the catwalks. The last Woodburian to exit the building closed the door behind him, and that was the last thing he ever did. The Governor and his remaining troops hobbled back to their convoy, but they found they couldn't get the traction they needed to escape effectively. Their tires had been blown out when they arrived. A grenade landed softly on the grass near their trucks and exploded. Back at the prison, Daryl smiled a weary half-smile.

"Did we do it?" asked Maggie. "We can't be sure," said Glenn, knowing that if he didn't see the Governor die, he was likely very much alive. The prison group met up in the yard and closed the fence to their old cell block, which was now overrun by zombies. "Thank God Axel and Oscar cleared out cell block B," says Carol. It would be the gang's new home.

Out in the woods, Carl killed an escaping Woodburian teenager. Carl recognized him from Tyreese's group, but he knew what had to be done. He dropped him while Hershel looked on in terror.

Back at Woodbury, Andrea knew Milton didn't have much time left. She urged him to tie his shoelaces together and possibly even knock out his own teeth. He left pliers on the ground, after all, and what do they do best besides grip and pull? But he was too exhausted from pain to pull out his teeth. "Hand me that zombie stick," she yelled, seeing one in the corner. She'd been seeing them all this time and she knew they would inevitably serve her purpose. Milton threw his body weight toward the zombie stick, but he couldn't reach it. He flopped onto the floor closer to Andrea than he was before. "Come closer, Milton. I want to be close to you because we're both going to die," offered Andrea. He scootched himself closer to her, and he started to tell her something. "Wait, bring your head closer," said Andrea. "I want to hear this." He put his head as close to her as possible and closed his eyes. He was telling her about his freshman year at UGA. As quickly as she could, Andrea shoved her foot back into her boot and stomped his head in. She kept stomping and stomping, knowing that he deserved a more dignified death but knowing that in this game of zombies, you win or you die. She put her foot into Milton's head so many times, a few teeth flew up at her face. Spent, Andrea looked at her pliers. "How on earth am I going to make these undo my handcuffs?" she wondered aloud.

Back at the prison, Rick gathered his trifecta. Daryl and Michonne stood at the ready, but Carl made his case to go with them to Woodbury: "If the Governor went back there, he's going to know where to hide. He might know where to do it, but I'm smaller and I've got more patience. I'll hide while you guys look around for Andrea. If he comes out, I'll do what needs to be done." "It's not safe," said Rick. "Besides, how do we know she's even there?" "Last we saw, she went back to negotiate. She didn't come with them to the prison. She's there, Dad," reasoned Carl. "Good thinking, son," replied Rick. "But you're still not coming."

Rick, Daryl, and Michonne drove out to Woodbury without realizing Carl had slipped into the trunk. They came to Tyreese's wall and told him what had just happened. He was reluctant to let them in, but his sister reasoned with him - "They never asked us to kill anyone, Tyreese." As soon as they got inside the perimeter, a grenade went off just barely far enough away from their car not to kill them. "Alright, Governor. Come on out," said Rick.

The Governor came out onto Main Street carrying a toddler in front of him. "Always leave your women and children at home, where they're safest," he said. "That doesn't make any sense," said Rick. "Please, let that child go free." "Uh uh, no wayyyyyyy," drawled the Governor.

Rick stood there with his gun pointed and thought back to the time Carl was shot in the woods. He watched his son go into shock on Hershel's bed, his bloodless face clenched in unconscious pain. He thought he saw Lori out of the corner of his eye, but it was only Tyreese's sister. She was watching in terror. Rick looked to Michonne and Daryl for counsel. They both looked back wordlessly, their faces steely but unable to give him the nod.

"You can't do it, can you?" taunted the Governor. "Your side has always been weak. That bitch didn't have any trouble murdering my daughter, did she? But you, Rick, you've never had it in you. You-" but the Governor's head exploded before he could finish his next thought. Rick looked back at Michonne and Daryl. They hadn't moved. Neither had Tyreese nor his sister. Andrea walked out of a nearby building, but she was just as nonplussed as everyone else.

Carl jumped out of the tree he'd been perched on, his gun still smoking. He walked through the stunned survivors and took the toddler's hand, being sure to keep the kid's face pointed away from the now headless Governor. "You're going to be ok now," he said to the 3-year-old. Rick could only look at him. He was speechless. "I guess y-you're the Governor now," stammered Tyreese. It was unclear if he was talking to Rick or to Carl. The town of Woodbury never looked so empty.

photos courtesy amctv.com