JON SNOW FINALLY GETS BAOHHHNED
As the wildling generals press Jon for details about the Wall, Ygritte continues to defend the ex-crow's honor. Just to be sure, she takes his honor into her own hands and makes Jon break his vow of chastity in a hot spring cave. It turns out he's a preternaturally talented lover. Maybe his foray into "kissing her there" is the same thing that makes Podrick so legendary down in King's Landing. Or maybe the ladies of Westeros just have the lowest expectations of all time.
BERIC DONDARRAGAIN
Despite wielding a flaming sword, Beric loses the Hound's trial by combat. The Hound impales him and giggles at how much R'hllor must like him. But Thoros brings Beric back to life - for the sixth time - and soon the Hound is flipping out. He won his match, so he's free to go. But his tail is so far between his legs, you can see it in front. Arya is understandably upset.
THE HEADLESS
Remember that bannerman who was ultra pissed at Catelyn for letting Jaime go? He finally gets his pale revenge by killing the Lannister prisoner boys at Riverrun. Robb is more upset about
Robb thinks he's got a fantastic solution in asking the Freys for help in taking Casterly Rock, but I'm not so sure. What on earth can he offer the Freys? Why would they help him now? It's going to be one awkward convo.
TY-LANNISTER-RELL
Cersei can tell the Tyrells are up to something, so she has Littlefinger look into it. His sneaky gay spy finds out that Loras plans to marry Sansa, and Cersei can't have that. She tells Tywin, who arranges to slip his children right into the equation: Tyrion will marry Sansa, and Cersei will marry Loras. This way, a Lannister will sit in the North and in the Reach. Cersei's like BUT I DIDN'T-- AWW, I WISH I WERE SMARTER!
Meanwhile, Olenna Tyrell remains the most cunning person in the capitol. I'd like to see her face off against Daenerys. What on earth would happen?
ANOTHER HOT TUB SCENE
What is this, Jersey Shore? What's with all the hot tubs lately? This time it's shared by Brienne and Jaime, the latter having just lost even more of his arm to a wacky maester whose "experiments" have been condemned as "too bold." The Kingslayer explains the context of
STANNIS'S DAUGHTER & THE ONION KNIGHT
At Melisandre's bidding, Stannis visits his cloistered wife and daughter in a Dragonstone tower. I vaguely remember something about him needing royal blood, and I'm worried for the kid (Shireen, I think). Shireen suffers from greyscale, a disease that makes half her face hard and stony, but she's a sunny girl who loves her father's friend, the Onion Knight. Unfortunately, his outburst against Melisandre made him a traitor. Shireen visits him in the dungeon and offers him books, then offers to teach him to read. Shireen = Bobby Draper tonight. Sometimes children are waaaayyyy better than everyone else.
DAENERYS FERYS BOBERYS
Now that Daenerys is on her way to Yunkai, she wants her soldiers to give themselves names they can be proud of. Grey Worm, the head soldier, tells her he likes his slave name because it's the name he had when Daenerys Stormborn freed him. Plus, again, what would a person whose free will has been beaten out of him choose? "My name is, uhhh, whatever you want?" Nearby Jorah Mormont and Barristan Selmy have a pissing contest over who's more loyal to the mother of dragons. I guess it's a reasonable question, since there are now 8,000 unquestionably loyal soldiers ready to do anything for her.
PEOPLE WHO'VE BEEN "KISSED BY FIRE"
- Melisandre (obviously)
- Thoros of Myr & Beric Dondarrion (see above)
- Stannis's wife (")
- Stannis's daughter (because she's a red head!)
- Catelyn & Sansa Stark (same reason)
- Ygritte (")
- Tyrion (about to marry a redhead)
- Jaime (that whole wildfire plot seemed to have kissed his brain pretty permanently)
- Daenerys (routinely, by her dragons)
FINALLY,
photos courtesy HBO
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