JAMBRIENNE: KEEPING EACH OTHER ALIVE
What we have here is a classic romcom set-up: now that Jaime's lost his hand, he's totally hopeless! He falls into mud puddles nonstop and drinks horse pee. He's so distraught, he even stops eating. It's up to Brienne to cheer him up, so she reminds him how bad every single other person in the world has it. She can't help asking why he saved her with the Sapphire-Tarth lie, and he finds he has no answer. It's time for a long, handless, soul-searching journey of the heart.
Tyrion visits the Spider to find out why Cersei tried to have him killed at Blackwater. Although Varys has no answer for that, he does finally explain how he became a eunuch. A magician bought him as a young boy, you'd think to molest him, but instead he paralyzed Varys and fed his severed penis and testicles to a blue brazier that spoke back. Instead of going Jaime's route and giving up, Varys took himself from the slums of Myr to the Small Council of the King. And along the way he found his old magician friend and stowed him in a box. This is all to say Varys hates magic.
BRAN DREAMS™
In the latest installment of Bran Dreams™, Jojen encourages Bran to climb a tree to catch the 3-eyed raven. Up in the tree, Catelyn warns him never to climb anymore, and she throws him off just like Jaime did. I think I might've seen a Worry Doll Wreath™ in there. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?
SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH JOFFREY'S FROWN
Joffrey shows Margaery around the Targaryan crypts, cackling gleefully as he recounts their gruesome deaths. Margaery loves his stories as always, and she "accidentally" steers them toward the front doors of the castle, where commoners are griping loudly. She encourages Joffrey to stand there and smile, just like her, waving to the people so they can admire their king. This may be the first time I've seen Joffrey smile without holding a weapon.
THEON'S MADE A HUGE MISTAKE
Theon and his mysterious savior return to the castle to beg his sister Yara for protection. Along the way, Theon regrets his choice to "pay the iron price" for Winterfell, and he mourns his "real father" Ned. I never thought Theon was capable of such reflection and remorse. I thought his brain was too little for self-review. Is this a new Theon Greyjoy? And will it matter, now that he's right back in his old torture chamber, betrayed by his teensy Northern-born rescuer?
THE WEB IN THE ROSE GARDEN
Thanks to Ros the Literate Ex-Prostitute, Varys figures out that Littlefinger wants to take Sansa away with him to the Aerie. He relays his concern to Lady Olenna, noting that Sansa's claim to Winterfell would allow Littlefinger to raise an army. So they hatch a scheme for Margaery to carry out: the queen-to-be takes Sansa on a walk and suggests she marry Loras. She tells her she'd like to be sisters, but really, the marriage would prove one huge problem-solver. Sansa would gain her freedom from the Lannisters, and Margaery would avoid a Littlefinger uprising during her reign. This all seems great, which means it inevitably will turn into shit.
MORE LIKE CRASTER'S LOSE
The remaining members of the Night's Watch are recuperating at Craster's Keep, but they're starving to death without any of his food. Jeor does his best to keep his men under control, but they mutiny anyway. They kill Craster purposefully and Jeor foolishly. Depending on how many men are left at the Wall, the Night's Watch may have just ended. AND JEOR'S GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!
BERIC DONDARRION
Here we are, face to face with Beric Dondarrion, the coolest mystery guy around. Ned trusted him to kill the Mountain a decade ago, but he never could. Which makes it pretty lucky that his brother, the Hound, has just arrived in chains. The Hound will face all his past crimes in a trial by combat, and Beric will invoke Melisandre's god, R'hllor, to fight him. I can't WAIT for next week. I don't even know how to feel, besides excited.
NO DUH SHE SPEAKS VALYRIAN
Last week, when Dany offered to buy all 8,000 Unsullied for the price of one dragon, I hoped she might have something up her sleeve. It turns out, she has several things up her sleeve. First of all, she speaks High Valyrian very well, so she's heard everything Watto Rudeguy has said. Secondly, "a dragon is not a slave," which will make it hard for Watto to cash in on his payment. Particularly when said dragon is incinerating him to death. And lastly, Daenerys orders her troops to turn against their old masters and kill every last person holding a whip, thereby destroying Astapor. She's pretty good at this game!
After the ash settles, Dany frees her slave army and asks them to fight for her on their own volition. It's a nice thought, but can you really pose such a question to men who've had the ability to choose beaten out of them? I guess just as long as the illusion of choice is out there, that's all that matters. If Dany doesn't think she's a slave master, then I guess she isn't? Either way, she's killing it.
photos courtesy HBO
No comments:
Post a Comment