Cupcaker's Revenge...AGAIN!!!

HA HA CAN YOU BELIEVE WE'RE BACK HERE AGAIN ALREADY?? It's 2014, but not for long! Soon we will greet the twin flaming tire marks of the future, and we will go back there (II), and the pizza will hydrate at level 4 for 365 full days. I wonder if anyone else will talk about Back to the Future this year. Probably not?

Have you guys heard of this car I have? He's a sleek midnight black Toyota Camry from the mid/late 90s and let me tell you - he's a real winner. His name is Gabe Kotter, and he's THE BEST CAR OF 2014, AS WELL AS ALL TIME.

Have you guys heard of this nephew I have? He's a sleek pinkish-cheeks little boy from early/mid 2014 and let me tell you - he's the best boy in the universe. Best Nephew of 2014: JOJO ABRAMS, OF COURSE!

Have you guys heard of this audiobook I recorded for Audible? My performance is humiliating but it's ME, BABY. The Best Audiobook of 2014 is Savannah Scarlett by Becky Lee Weyrich, narrated by Becky Abrams! Please download it for free and make me a savannah starlet! No?

Oops, the tv is showing me a list of all the celebrities who died this year. Ooops oops oops haha I can't handle this ha ha stop STOP NOW

Anyways I just wanted to join the ranks of every unsatisfied internet user and let 2014 know that it sucked a lot. Institutionalized racism, sony hacks, an empty space where Joan Rivers used to be, I broke my first bone, I had a (hopefully singular) dance with a particular type of devil bug, my past employers were very silly, and my ex-boyfriend's face keeps popping up on a national Sprint commercial, which I'd celebrate if it hadn't prompted him and his new girlfriend to declare 2014 the best year of his life. So go ahead and Fuck Yourself, 2014. Still though, JoJo's lil face could probably override at least 85% of that.

Congratulations as always, Becklectic, for you have yet again achieved the honor of Best Best of 2014 List of 2014. May you wear your crown wisely and HYDRATE LEVEL 4 PLZZZZ!

Why I Abruptly Stopped Recapping The Walking Dead

Friends, I broke a finger. Additionally, I've been doing more comedy lately! But most importantly, I realized that it's much, much more enjoyable to watch Walking Dead without constantly jotting down "what?" and "this makes no sense where did he who is that WHAT WHY THO why."

Walking Dead Recap: "After" Carl Demolished 112 Ounces Of Chocolate Pudding

The last time we saw the Zombiepocalypse, all hell had broken loose at the prison. The stupid Governor ruined all the fences and guard towers just before he chopped Hershel's head right off. The gang separated and sprinted off in different directions, possibly never to converge again. It was a lot like the time zombies overran Hershel's farm, only this time we hear Rick's broken-ribbed breathing as a soft, zombie-like underscore throughout the episode. Will the gang ever be together again? Or is everyone doomed to take shelter in a billion more Woodbury-type ghost towns? Will Rick talk like this forever?

American Horror Story Recap: WHAT IS THIS, KNOTTY PINE???????

What Probably Happened On American Horror Story

After watching last week's Amhorst Coven and missing this week's, all I can say is I have a VERY excellent grasp of what's going on with the show:

A) We're all DYING to know who the next Supreme is (NOT), but the show hasn't brought us any closer to figuring out who she'll be. The search for the next Supreme seems to be the main thrust of the end of the season, but all I can make out lately is a hugely clogged toilet bowl with a Stevie Nicks shawl floating on top. In a world where dead people spring back up a week later, there's no real process of elimination. So we're still at square one, and all five options for Supreme (Zoe, Queenie, Nan, Emma Roberts, and Swampie Nicks) are still a possibility, even though I guess Nan is the only permanently dead one now. Oh wait, plus Headmistress Cordelia? So still five?

American Horror Story Recap: "The Magical Delights of Stevie Nicks" & The Magical Bullshit I Just Went Through

Hi - don't freak out. It's me, Papa Legba. You might know me as Voodoo Satan, but I try not to go by that since it's so...I don't know, severe? Sure, I'm devilish, but c'mon. Look at me! You think every red-eyed person is evil? Go to an albino convention and see how far that opinion gets you. Do I demand a fresh, innocent baby soul every year? Yeah, ok, you got me there. But who DOESN'T? I live in a world between worlds - not quite human, not quite god - and the currency here happens to be innocent baby souls. And I happen to use them. Tell me you wouldn't do the same thing if you were me. You'd really just sit around, never even considering taking one baby soul? Oh ok, SURE.

A Phone Call For Keith Urban

 
A Phone Call For Keith Urban

Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman entered their country-chic cottage in the Hollywood Hills, trailing laughter and late-afternoon sunlight behind them as they walked through the door.

"I think I'll make that salad we were talking about," said Nicole in a thick Australian accent as she made for the kitchen. "Y'know, the one with the walnuts?"

Who Invited The Cupcakers?

WELCOME, LAST DYING BREATH OF 2013! RATTLE YOURSELF INTO NOTHINGNESS, ALL THE WAY TO HELL

Hahaha and welcome to the 2013 Cupcaker Awards. What a crazy, butt-shaped year this has turned out to be, huh guys? Shine on for 6 more hours, you silly diamond. Then get out of my sight. Haha and welcome to the awards.

To get things started, we're bringing up America's favorite car to present our first award: Best Car of 2013. Gabe Kotter, get up here!

Honk honk

(audience laughs)

Hoooonk!

(audience sigh-laughs)

Honk?

(someone whistles over light applause)

You didn't let me finish - Honk? HONK.

(wild applause)

Thank you.

Congratulations on another year on top, Gabe! Can you believe how good he looks? Not a lot of cars can pull off handing themselves such a gaudy award and still looking like the most humble sedan on the road. Has he had work done? Haha and welcome.

There's a new dog in town and let's just say he's barking up the right tree! He's doing such a good job, in fact, that he's just won the Best Dog of 2013 award! (barking applause.) Bear couldn't be with us tonight, so he's sent along a thank-you picture:

Technically he belongs to my mom. Moving on, I heard youtube's got a new comedy channel based on UCB's newest and craziest Maude team, MORIARTY. What's this? An award for Best New Youtube Channel of 2013 check it out right now? CONGRATULATIONS, MORIARTY COMEDY!

Such fun we're having here tonight, the very last night of 2013. From here on out it's an even year, then a divisible-by-five year, then another even year...man, we've got some smooth sailing ahead of us. Tonight our troubles unwrinkle themselves. Tonight we drink just the right amount of champagne. Tonight we sing and dance and ring in the new! Hail, Atlantis! (Best Atlantis Song of 2013!)

Another good year, another great oldie. 

-Fox 97

That just about wraps things up for the 2013 Cupcakers. The Best Best of 2013 List of 2013 goes to drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll drumroll

MYSELF!!!!!!!!!! BECKLECTIC TAKES MANHATTAN AND THE CUPCAKERS OH MY GOD, SHE DID IT! WOWEE!!!!

A List Of Thoughts On "The Sacred Taking" and "Head"

1. PATTI

2. LU

3. PONE?

4. GAVE HER SON A HOT-WATER-BOTTLE ENEMA AND THEN MERCY KILLED HIM TO AVOID GUILT FEELINGS ABOUT HOW SHE STUFFED A FATAL AMOUNT OF BEES INTO HER CHEATING HUSBAND'S CAR?

Happy Belated Walking Dead Midseason Recap!!!

This Just In: I Don't Hate Super Fun Night!

When the new tv season was starting, I decided to skip Super Fun Night until someone (anyone) told me they liked it and I should try it. That happened yesterday, and I watched it, and then I also watched the rest of the episodes available on hulu. Guess what, guys! I don't hate it!

Walking Dead Recap: "Dead Weight" YEP, YEP IT SURE IS

I think we can all agree that last week's Governor-focused episode was simply NOT enough Governor. So it's a great thing that, with this week's Governor-Part-2, we've now wasted 25% of this half-season STARING AT A ONE-EYED MORON. Congratulations, us! We did it!

Walking Dead Precap: This Might've Happened Last Night

I haven't gotten to watch last night's Walking Dead yet, but I'm assuming it was a lot like this:

photo from Walking Dead Wikia

American Horror Story Recap: You Haven't Lived Until You've Had A Threeway With "The Dead"

Last night's episode of Amhorst: Coven drove home the real point of the entire show: if you aren't having sex with dead people, you're seriously missing out. They can be ghosts, they can be reanimated bodies, look, WHATEVER, JUST HAVE SEX WITH THEM, YOU IDIOT! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE MISSING!!!!!! SPHINCTER CONTROL IS OVERRATED!

Walking Dead Recap: "Live Bait"

Remember at the end of last week's episode when we saw that the Governor had come back? Remember how happy we all were to see him and how much we wanted to know what he's been up to all this time? Me neither!

American Horror Story Musings: "The Axeman Cometh"

In lieu of a recap, this week's shrine to Amhorst will be a hard-to-read stream of consciousness written while listening to Fleetwood Mac's Rumours:

Grace Gummer is a 1919 witch at the academy and the Axeman gets stabbed by billions of girls just like Julius Caesar. He deserves it but now it's like, what is he, a season 1 ghost? Can he hurt people or is he just a phantasm? Also the Axeman is such a stupid name for a murderer, but I guess you can't fault the nineteen-teens for coming up with stupid names. They did name the Titanic and the Great War and Woodrow Wilson. I feel like I went to high school with a kid named Woodrow?

Walking Dead Recap: "Internment" LOL

HERSHEL IN CHARGE OF OUR DAYS AND OUR NIGHTS

HERSHEL IN CHARGE OF OUR WRONGS AND OUR RIGHTS

AND I SEE I WANT HERSHEL IN CHARGE OF ME

  

American Horror Story Recap: "Burn, Witch. Burn!"

Last night's episode of Amhorst was one huge fever dream. LaLaurie reminisced about the days when she would fill a bowl with real eyeballs and trick boys into thinking they were just peeled grapes. Fiona wandered the halls of that hospital from Walking Dead, looking for pills and stillborn babies to bring back to life. And somebody gave Zoe a chainsaw. I don't know what I'm looking at anymore.

Walking Dead Recap: There Is No "Indifference" In The Entire Episode

I don't want to do this, but:

in·dif·fer·ence

noun \in-ˈdi-fərn(t)s, -f(ə-)rən(t)s\

: lack of interest in or concern about something : an indifferent attitude or feeling

There was absolutely no indifference in last night's Walking Dead. If anything, every character cares too much about other people's business. Daryl gets in D'Angelo Barksdale's face about his latent alcoholism, Michonne (who barely spoke last season) keeps initiating heart-to-hearts with Tyreese, and Rick and Carol spend way too much time chatting up suspiciously benign hippies. I guess if I were in a Zombiepocalypse flu outbreak, I'd want to focus on stupid minutia too. Like why the HELL this zombie is french-braiding my hair instead of FISHTAIL-BRAIDING IT! I WOULD ONLY CARE ABOUT BRAIDS!!!

American Horror Story Recap: "Fearful Pranks Ensue" AKA Halloween, Part 1

Happy Halloween! I have great news: somebody in the Amhorst casting department likes us, because as of last night, Leslie Jordan entered the show!! He's part of the ominous Council, and he's as petite and addled as ever. WELCOME BACK TO TELEVISION, BEVERLEY LESLIE! WE HAVE SORELY MISSED YOU!!!