On Sunday, history happened: the third person to make it all the way through Tool Academy graduated. And to celebrate, he picked up Licensed Couples Therapist Trina Dolenz and shook her around.
The final merit badge of school was Commitment, and Teary Tool competed with Neandertool to prove just how committed they were. First they observed their own Toolvolution in therapy with Cougar Vanessa Hudgens. Neandertool was highly uncomfortable with the prospect of everyone seeing his nerdly younger days, and Teary didn't cry, not. Neandertool then kicked over the television monitor displaying his baby tool pictures, since wrecking costly things is mature behavior at its utmost.
After a super intense therapy session, the tools and their girlfriends relaxed with a little old-fashioned ropes course. Both tools were TERRIFIED of heights, which seems like the one phobia it's cool for tools to have. No way, dude, don't even - heights are way scary, bro. Teary Tool was really, really afraid of heights, though, and he basically peed his pants throughout the entire tightrope walk. Then both tools were remarkably composed for the second course, where they had to climb a pole, stand at the top of it like the Karate Kid, and jump to catch a trapeze. I think there must have been some trick photography there.
In Defending-Your-Tool hour, the girls blandly defended their boyfriends' progress as Trina pretended to listen and mentally compared the tools' naked bodies, part for part. Trina is so transparent.
Donning bright blue, oversized robes and mortarboards, the tools looked itchy at best during their final judgment. Trina toyed with them a little, pausing for thirty full seconds after stating Teary Tool's name. "Angelo...
...
............
......
..."
(commercial break)
".................
.....
........
......for eight weeks, you've worked hard in therapy."
In the end, Teary didn't graduate, but on the plus side, nobody called him "just a tool." Nice! In the most anticlimactic turn of events ever, Neandertool won the season. He declared that he's not a tool anymore, but I remain unconvinced. Hopefully Trina will deduct the price of their broken tv monitor from his $100,000 check. However! No engagement? No wedding? Things have really changed since the charter season. Skinny Tool and his Gross Girlfriend had to have a Tool Academy themed wedding! Neandertool didn't even have to get a haircut.
Looking back on the entire season, I feel like it flew by. Remember the other wrestler, Chasyn, who took himself out of the competition during the first episode? He was like a muscle-bound harbinger to Project Runway's Maya, whose recent self-dismissal was both unexpected and a miracle for Anthony! Hooray for Anthony!!!
In the end, I'd have to say that Anthony is the real winner. Congratulations, girl!
Showing posts with label le tool academie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label le tool academie. Show all posts
07 April 2010
28 March 2010
Tool Family Reunion
I didn't recap last week's Tool Academy, for I was visiting patriotic Bedford, MA. I'd like to apologize to anyone who had big plans to read this girl's opinions on the tooliest show on earth, and to make up for it, I'd like to offer the following:
TOOL ACADEMY: PARENTS WEEKEND!
This week, the tools' families (and girlfriends' families) attend therapy, and Trina shows them the callback videos from way back when the tools thought they were on an entirely different kind of show. In case you've forgotten, these were the WORST videos Tool Academy has ever had. Teary Tool explains that he has given his girlfriend several STDs while demonstrating humping the floor eight different ways, and then he boasts that his boobs are so big, he's fallen in love with himself.* That's the main gist of these videos.
*I had always assumed that these video claims were obviously lies (two different tools recounted stories about incestuous twins), but nobody so far has ever admitted to stretching the truth. So I guess the stories are real? At any rate, they're completely embarrassing - lies or not.
Neandertool and his girlfriend Christie go first. Christie's family must not have been interested in visiting the academy because her two best friends show up, instead. Neandertool's mom watches his video and is shocked, but not as shocked as Teary Tool's mother is.
First of all, apparently Teary is a first-generation Ameritool. His parents have the thickest accents I've ever heard. I believe they are Greek. At any rate, his video plays (see description above), and his mother is instantly humiliated. She looks like she wants to vomit at the thought of giving birth to this kid. Then we look over at his girlfriend's mom, who's basically lacing up her boxing gloves. She's about to knock his block off, big time. Naturally, he turns on the waterworks, and after a while things settle down.
Toolette's mother is a madame who taught her children to laugh things off, so naturally, therapy is very difficult for them. Her boyfriend Kyle's brother is appalled at Toolette's video, and when Trina encourages Kyle to tell his girlfriend how he feels about her cheating, her whole family starts snickering. Trina reminds them why it would be helpful not to laugh, and Toolette's mom insists that they must agree to disagree. Kyle, if there was ever a case of "look at the mother, see what you'll be married to," this is it.
Immediately afterwards, there's a family dinner 'n' drinks party. It seems like they're setting up Neandertool to be the winner, as he gets a lot of sound clips like "I'm really changing!" I was hoping Teary Tool's mother-in-law-to-be would take this opportunity to really go after him, but he sort of wins her over by the end of the meal. Then the host, Jordan (probably the prototype Tool Graduate), comes in and announces that the tools will now be taking care of newborn babies.
They get back to their communal room and see that the babies are robots. Everyone seems to handle them without incident, but Toolette immediately insists on having no part of it, as she feels trapped. Then the next minute, she screams at her boyfriend for not letting her hold the "sleeping" baby. She throws a hissy fit outside and tries to complain to the cameramen, but they shuffle off really quickly. Either she's on a coke rage, or she's still smarting from therapy.
The Tearies get involved as Kyle packs his bags to leave. It looks like a fight is going to break out, but there are just a lot of empty threats and Toolette-brand animatronic threat-babbling. Teary Tool drinks red punch from the baby bottle he's holding. It's not until the next morning that a true fight breaks out - Teary encourages his girlfriend to hit Toolette, then charges at her himself, and then of course Kyle flying-tackles him. Then Toolette pulls Teary's girlfriend's hair.
In Defend-Your-Boyfriend hour, Neandertool's girlfriend makes a clear power-play by opining that the Tearies shouldn't have gotten involved in Toolette's relationship. Second place knows that it's easier to fight against Third than First. Neandertool's girlfriend really is a tactical genius.
It's a dark and stormy night as the girl[boy]friends wait outside under black umbrellas. Inside, Trina addresses Toolette and Teary in the bottom two: "I'm shocked at how bonkers the last 24 hours have been." Toolette is eliminated, and it seems inevitable that she's going to beat up Teary's girlfriend when she gets outside.
On the Fate-of-your-Relationship block, Kyle says there won't be a future if Toolette can't change. (a) She won't change, and (b) this stuff won't end until she gets pregnant with someone else's kid, and then Kyle will clearly raise that kid alone.
This was the best episode of the season. I truly hope that the finale (between Neandertool and Teary Tool) blows this one out of the water, although I don't see how it could. Toolette was a 30-year-old spark plug that shook up the whole dorm. Things will most definitely slow down without her there.
TOOL ACADEMY: PARENTS WEEKEND!
This week, the tools' families (and girlfriends' families) attend therapy, and Trina shows them the callback videos from way back when the tools thought they were on an entirely different kind of show. In case you've forgotten, these were the WORST videos Tool Academy has ever had. Teary Tool explains that he has given his girlfriend several STDs while demonstrating humping the floor eight different ways, and then he boasts that his boobs are so big, he's fallen in love with himself.* That's the main gist of these videos.
*I had always assumed that these video claims were obviously lies (two different tools recounted stories about incestuous twins), but nobody so far has ever admitted to stretching the truth. So I guess the stories are real? At any rate, they're completely embarrassing - lies or not.
Neandertool and his girlfriend Christie go first. Christie's family must not have been interested in visiting the academy because her two best friends show up, instead. Neandertool's mom watches his video and is shocked, but not as shocked as Teary Tool's mother is.
First of all, apparently Teary is a first-generation Ameritool. His parents have the thickest accents I've ever heard. I believe they are Greek. At any rate, his video plays (see description above), and his mother is instantly humiliated. She looks like she wants to vomit at the thought of giving birth to this kid. Then we look over at his girlfriend's mom, who's basically lacing up her boxing gloves. She's about to knock his block off, big time. Naturally, he turns on the waterworks, and after a while things settle down.Toolette's mother is a madame who taught her children to laugh things off, so naturally, therapy is very difficult for them. Her boyfriend Kyle's brother is appalled at Toolette's video, and when Trina encourages Kyle to tell his girlfriend how he feels about her cheating, her whole family starts snickering. Trina reminds them why it would be helpful not to laugh, and Toolette's mom insists that they must agree to disagree. Kyle, if there was ever a case of "look at the mother, see what you'll be married to," this is it.
Immediately afterwards, there's a family dinner 'n' drinks party. It seems like they're setting up Neandertool to be the winner, as he gets a lot of sound clips like "I'm really changing!" I was hoping Teary Tool's mother-in-law-to-be would take this opportunity to really go after him, but he sort of wins her over by the end of the meal. Then the host, Jordan (probably the prototype Tool Graduate), comes in and announces that the tools will now be taking care of newborn babies.
They get back to their communal room and see that the babies are robots. Everyone seems to handle them without incident, but Toolette immediately insists on having no part of it, as she feels trapped. Then the next minute, she screams at her boyfriend for not letting her hold the "sleeping" baby. She throws a hissy fit outside and tries to complain to the cameramen, but they shuffle off really quickly. Either she's on a coke rage, or she's still smarting from therapy.
The Tearies get involved as Kyle packs his bags to leave. It looks like a fight is going to break out, but there are just a lot of empty threats and Toolette-brand animatronic threat-babbling. Teary Tool drinks red punch from the baby bottle he's holding. It's not until the next morning that a true fight breaks out - Teary encourages his girlfriend to hit Toolette, then charges at her himself, and then of course Kyle flying-tackles him. Then Toolette pulls Teary's girlfriend's hair.
In Defend-Your-Boyfriend hour, Neandertool's girlfriend makes a clear power-play by opining that the Tearies shouldn't have gotten involved in Toolette's relationship. Second place knows that it's easier to fight against Third than First. Neandertool's girlfriend really is a tactical genius.
It's a dark and stormy night as the girl[boy]friends wait outside under black umbrellas. Inside, Trina addresses Toolette and Teary in the bottom two: "I'm shocked at how bonkers the last 24 hours have been." Toolette is eliminated, and it seems inevitable that she's going to beat up Teary's girlfriend when she gets outside.
On the Fate-of-your-Relationship block, Kyle says there won't be a future if Toolette can't change. (a) She won't change, and (b) this stuff won't end until she gets pregnant with someone else's kid, and then Kyle will clearly raise that kid alone.
This was the best episode of the season. I truly hope that the finale (between Neandertool and Teary Tool) blows this one out of the water, although I don't see how it could. Toolette was a 30-year-old spark plug that shook up the whole dorm. Things will most definitely slow down without her there.
14 March 2010
Two New Tool Academies!
As I wait for my roommates to wake up on this First Day of Daylight Saving Time, I find myself watching Goldmember and wishing I had more Michael Caine in my life. Should I re-watch Blame It On Rio? Or is it as simple as finally purchasing Dirty Rotten Scoundrels? Oh, Lady Fanny, of Omaha. Of course.
TOOL ACADEMY EPISODE #1 OF THE DAY. "Appreciation":
The Tools have to watch their girlfriends get married - and I have amazingly high expectations for the Toolette/boyfriend ceremony. Last season, when Big John observed this exercise, he punched through a glass lantern and got kicked off several episodes later for the offense. Today, Neandertool refuses to sit down, and he stands at the altar swearing in front of the Tool Academy Chaplain. Wow, he really can't understand that this is a fictional illustration. His girlfriend counters, "what do you think, we're gonna get freaky right here?" "Do what you gotta do, Christie. Do what you gotta do."
I'm remembering that last year's challenge was more about going on dates with these non-Tools (and getting respected by them), which is more threatening than a fake wedding where the only words exchanged are vows. And yet Toolette can't stand it, and neither can Teary Tool. As Loony Tool's girlfriend asks her fake husband never to be distracted, Loony suddenly jumps up because there's a mouse next to him. The Married Tools had their wedding in her mom's kitchen!
Guess Who's Hosting a Dinner Party: The Tools have to grocery-shop and cook for their girlfriends, and Neandertool is surprisingly attentive until he isn't ("Christie loves salmon, she loves asparagus, she loves mushrooms...and that was actually the meal that we had after the first time we had sex, so hopefully she can connect the dots"). Lol, Teary Tool cried from chopping onions! After dozen of so Top Chef edits, and they all sit down to dinner, and my roommates and I simultaneously realize that borrowing from other popular reality shows is a great insurance policy.
During dinner, Married Tool is all over his wife, and it's the same with Lesbian Tool. They refuse to give their damn things a rest, and it's hard to watch. Especially when you realize that Mrs. Tool isn't always surrounded by cameras and bodyguards.
Kyle and Christie work out together, and it's a problem for Teary Tool's girlfriend, who is currently in the Conjugal Visitation Room. I guess somebody has to keep up Meth Tool Girlfriend's High Standards of Polite Society. Although they've won the rights, the Teary Tools refrain from intimacy. Instead, Teary girlfriend has to save up all her energy for screaming at Neandertool's girlfriend for the rest of the night.
It gets clearer and clearer how much the girlfriends mirror their tools. Neandertool's girlfriend consistently instigates with the safety of her size, and Teary Tool's girlfriend constantly cries and hits her peak emotional level. At judging, we see that both Neander and Teary have passed with flying colors. Or at least, the producers want to keep watching their girlfriends fight.
The final two are the handsy ones from dinner. Married Tool gets agitated when Lady Lovin starts "breathin' like a rhino." It's abundantly clear that he should be going home, but when the time comes, it's Toolette #2 that walks outside to meet her girlfriend...and the fate of their relationship.
This girlfriend is UPSET, and probably for good reason. Lady Lovin' Tool chases the limo, which is the first time I've seen that level of commitment from a tool. I'm really sad to see Lady Lovin' go. She left a better woman than when she started.
and as if one recap of Tool Academy a week wasn't enough, vh1 had to throw another new episode into the mix!
TOOL ACADEMY EPISODE #2 OF THE DAY. "Maturity":
It looks like the tools are going to badmouth each other in therapy today, and to what benefit? To give us the George & Martha of all the Tool Academy therapy sessions, of course. The tools and their girlfriends must assign the other couples to given superlatives, none of them nice. Everyone agrees that Boyband Tool can't support his girlfriend, and I'm suddenly realizing that you can wear the sleeve of a t-shirt as a headband. The tools, of course, knew all along.
They should probably be handling this exercise anonymously, right? It seems like that might be the way this kind of thing usually goes. But no, we get to watch the Teary Tools and the Neandertools duke it out over every single superlative. "Hugest Jerk Couple," "Most Phony Couple," I would use real examples, but who would notice the difference?
When I was hoping for a Nice with Nice trade-up (Toolette's boyfriend with Neandertool's girlfriend), I had no clue what a complete jerk she was. She's super sneaky and mean to the point of nearly betraying her several insecurities. It can be a rude awakening to remember that the girlfriends can be just as toolish as their counterparts and usually are. Eventually Married Tool calls someone out for "triflin!" That's the same as therapy's end-of-class bell.
Loony Tool's girlfriend decides not to date her 3x DUI boyfriend anymore, without any elimination having to do with it. Meanwhile, Neandertool gives Teary a piece of his mind while enjoying a bagel with cream cheese. The tools put on uniforms and go to finance class, and the tattooed teacher, Larry Winget, really wins over Married Tool. He turns from "he look like a skinhead" to "That dude's a hustler, legally. I love it."
The Teary Tools win the challenge again, and against my roommate Colin's fervent warning, Teary brings up all the wrong stuff during his limo date by talking about his audition video's worst moments. Colin: "Shouldn't have taken it there." Simultaneously, Loony Tool and his girlfriend are going through divorce therapy, and Loony admits that he's got a girl on the side.
Trina: Do you still have hope for the relationship, after this?
Loony Tool's Girlfriend: No, of course not, no.
Loony Tool is gone, yet they're expelling another tool as well. Double Eliminationsies! Boyband Tool has to toot during elimination but is nervous about it, this being maturity week. The event was so funny, it instigated a 10-minute roommate panic session of trying to capture the best shot of Boyband's face as he weighs consequences. This was it.
(Note the pleasure in his eyes)
Neandertool and Boyband make up the Bottom Two, and "bottom" and "two" are both clues towards who loses. I'm sad to see Boyband Tool go simply because he most resembled the Tool Academy silhouette. His girlfriend stays with him because she must want to pay him a competitive salary forever. That's true love.
It should be noted that within two episodes, all three girls that defended Teary Tool's girlfriend during her kerfuffle with Neandertool's girlfriend have been eradicated. I am very very nervous for Teary Tool next week. She might get beaten up.
TOOL ACADEMY EPISODE #1 OF THE DAY. "Appreciation":
The Tools have to watch their girlfriends get married - and I have amazingly high expectations for the Toolette/boyfriend ceremony. Last season, when Big John observed this exercise, he punched through a glass lantern and got kicked off several episodes later for the offense. Today, Neandertool refuses to sit down, and he stands at the altar swearing in front of the Tool Academy Chaplain. Wow, he really can't understand that this is a fictional illustration. His girlfriend counters, "what do you think, we're gonna get freaky right here?" "Do what you gotta do, Christie. Do what you gotta do."
I'm remembering that last year's challenge was more about going on dates with these non-Tools (and getting respected by them), which is more threatening than a fake wedding where the only words exchanged are vows. And yet Toolette can't stand it, and neither can Teary Tool. As Loony Tool's girlfriend asks her fake husband never to be distracted, Loony suddenly jumps up because there's a mouse next to him. The Married Tools had their wedding in her mom's kitchen!
Guess Who's Hosting a Dinner Party: The Tools have to grocery-shop and cook for their girlfriends, and Neandertool is surprisingly attentive until he isn't ("Christie loves salmon, she loves asparagus, she loves mushrooms...and that was actually the meal that we had after the first time we had sex, so hopefully she can connect the dots"). Lol, Teary Tool cried from chopping onions! After dozen of so Top Chef edits, and they all sit down to dinner, and my roommates and I simultaneously realize that borrowing from other popular reality shows is a great insurance policy.
During dinner, Married Tool is all over his wife, and it's the same with Lesbian Tool. They refuse to give their damn things a rest, and it's hard to watch. Especially when you realize that Mrs. Tool isn't always surrounded by cameras and bodyguards.
Kyle and Christie work out together, and it's a problem for Teary Tool's girlfriend, who is currently in the Conjugal Visitation Room. I guess somebody has to keep up Meth Tool Girlfriend's High Standards of Polite Society. Although they've won the rights, the Teary Tools refrain from intimacy. Instead, Teary girlfriend has to save up all her energy for screaming at Neandertool's girlfriend for the rest of the night.
It gets clearer and clearer how much the girlfriends mirror their tools. Neandertool's girlfriend consistently instigates with the safety of her size, and Teary Tool's girlfriend constantly cries and hits her peak emotional level. At judging, we see that both Neander and Teary have passed with flying colors. Or at least, the producers want to keep watching their girlfriends fight.
The final two are the handsy ones from dinner. Married Tool gets agitated when Lady Lovin starts "breathin' like a rhino." It's abundantly clear that he should be going home, but when the time comes, it's Toolette #2 that walks outside to meet her girlfriend...and the fate of their relationship.
This girlfriend is UPSET, and probably for good reason. Lady Lovin' Tool chases the limo, which is the first time I've seen that level of commitment from a tool. I'm really sad to see Lady Lovin' go. She left a better woman than when she started.
and as if one recap of Tool Academy a week wasn't enough, vh1 had to throw another new episode into the mix!
TOOL ACADEMY EPISODE #2 OF THE DAY. "Maturity":
It looks like the tools are going to badmouth each other in therapy today, and to what benefit? To give us the George & Martha of all the Tool Academy therapy sessions, of course. The tools and their girlfriends must assign the other couples to given superlatives, none of them nice. Everyone agrees that Boyband Tool can't support his girlfriend, and I'm suddenly realizing that you can wear the sleeve of a t-shirt as a headband. The tools, of course, knew all along.
They should probably be handling this exercise anonymously, right? It seems like that might be the way this kind of thing usually goes. But no, we get to watch the Teary Tools and the Neandertools duke it out over every single superlative. "Hugest Jerk Couple," "Most Phony Couple," I would use real examples, but who would notice the difference?
When I was hoping for a Nice with Nice trade-up (Toolette's boyfriend with Neandertool's girlfriend), I had no clue what a complete jerk she was. She's super sneaky and mean to the point of nearly betraying her several insecurities. It can be a rude awakening to remember that the girlfriends can be just as toolish as their counterparts and usually are. Eventually Married Tool calls someone out for "triflin!" That's the same as therapy's end-of-class bell.
Loony Tool's girlfriend decides not to date her 3x DUI boyfriend anymore, without any elimination having to do with it. Meanwhile, Neandertool gives Teary a piece of his mind while enjoying a bagel with cream cheese. The tools put on uniforms and go to finance class, and the tattooed teacher, Larry Winget, really wins over Married Tool. He turns from "he look like a skinhead" to "That dude's a hustler, legally. I love it."
The Teary Tools win the challenge again, and against my roommate Colin's fervent warning, Teary brings up all the wrong stuff during his limo date by talking about his audition video's worst moments. Colin: "Shouldn't have taken it there." Simultaneously, Loony Tool and his girlfriend are going through divorce therapy, and Loony admits that he's got a girl on the side.
Trina: Do you still have hope for the relationship, after this?
Loony Tool's Girlfriend: No, of course not, no.
Loony Tool is gone, yet they're expelling another tool as well. Double Eliminationsies! Boyband Tool has to toot during elimination but is nervous about it, this being maturity week. The event was so funny, it instigated a 10-minute roommate panic session of trying to capture the best shot of Boyband's face as he weighs consequences. This was it.
(Note the pleasure in his eyes)Neandertool and Boyband make up the Bottom Two, and "bottom" and "two" are both clues towards who loses. I'm sad to see Boyband Tool go simply because he most resembled the Tool Academy silhouette. His girlfriend stays with him because she must want to pay him a competitive salary forever. That's true love.
It should be noted that within two episodes, all three girls that defended Teary Tool's girlfriend during her kerfuffle with Neandertool's girlfriend have been eradicated. I am very very nervous for Teary Tool next week. She might get beaten up.
05 March 2010
The Tool Least Modest
Last Sunday's Tool Academy focused on modesty, and each tool's obligatory self-portrait was almost as sad as the accompanying explanation. Neandertool was so confused, he didn't even realize that he assured Trina (Licensed Couples Therapist) that he was just saying what she wanted to hear. Boy Band Tool drew himself as a robot, and Teary Tool wept from shame at a huge secret from his past (he was poor growing up). He introduced it as melodramatically as Michael Scott from The Office: "What I'm about to tell you is one of the hardest things...I could probably say. It's a big family secret." Trina helped him through it "Big Time," then tried to counsel Meth Tool until it became abundantly clear that he would benefit from several sessions' worth of actual therapy.
Their challenge for the week was to sit behind a 2-way mirror, watching focus group participants rag on their audition tapes. The focus group itself seemed to have been cast with Real World rejects and that Asian ex-prostitute from Reno 911 (whose best advice went to Mrs. Married Tool: "He's not gonna change until he's ready. So you know what? Bye! Peace! Divorce! Bye!"). Suddenly, three fights erupted at once! Loony Tool stormed out embarrassed at the focus group's comments, then Neandertool flexingly reminded Toolette's boyfriend not to talk to his girlfriend, then the Meth Tools got into a fistfight. Meanwhile, Toolette was squawking in the corner like she was animatronic.
Trina jumped in and saved the day ("She's like the emotional SWAT team, man"), and the rest of the challenge wrapped up with minimal posturing. The comments got rough enough that Trina had to visit the tools at home afterwards to re-explain the exercise as a journey through modesty. Her shirt happened to spill open, revealing a tan, freckled flat expanse of skin, but none of the tools were impressed. What if this show were actually about Cougar Trina's quiet hunt for prey? That would make everything different and nothing different, all at the same time.
In the end, Meth Tool flunked the Academy for reasons totally unrelated to the Modesty merit badge. For the love of God, please keep this person in therapy. He broke up with his girlfriend ("Can't expect me to turn a ho into a housewife"), who might have also been his baby-mama. Ostensibly he went back to the closed-door room in his grandma's house to practice rave sticks for another few years. Trina, do you do pro-bono? Would you? Please?
My dvr didn't record next week's promo, but I would guess that Neandertool is ready to try to beat up Toolette's boyfriend. He's probably not ready to realize that her boyfriend has clearly done a stint in the military. Tool fight!
Their challenge for the week was to sit behind a 2-way mirror, watching focus group participants rag on their audition tapes. The focus group itself seemed to have been cast with Real World rejects and that Asian ex-prostitute from Reno 911 (whose best advice went to Mrs. Married Tool: "He's not gonna change until he's ready. So you know what? Bye! Peace! Divorce! Bye!"). Suddenly, three fights erupted at once! Loony Tool stormed out embarrassed at the focus group's comments, then Neandertool flexingly reminded Toolette's boyfriend not to talk to his girlfriend, then the Meth Tools got into a fistfight. Meanwhile, Toolette was squawking in the corner like she was animatronic.
Trina jumped in and saved the day ("She's like the emotional SWAT team, man"), and the rest of the challenge wrapped up with minimal posturing. The comments got rough enough that Trina had to visit the tools at home afterwards to re-explain the exercise as a journey through modesty. Her shirt happened to spill open, revealing a tan, freckled flat expanse of skin, but none of the tools were impressed. What if this show were actually about Cougar Trina's quiet hunt for prey? That would make everything different and nothing different, all at the same time.
In the end, Meth Tool flunked the Academy for reasons totally unrelated to the Modesty merit badge. For the love of God, please keep this person in therapy. He broke up with his girlfriend ("Can't expect me to turn a ho into a housewife"), who might have also been his baby-mama. Ostensibly he went back to the closed-door room in his grandma's house to practice rave sticks for another few years. Trina, do you do pro-bono? Would you? Please?
My dvr didn't record next week's promo, but I would guess that Neandertool is ready to try to beat up Toolette's boyfriend. He's probably not ready to realize that her boyfriend has clearly done a stint in the military. Tool fight!
21 February 2010
Tool-e-oke
Near the beginning of this week's Tool Academy, Boyband Tool explains an unfair double standard: "Only guys can be tools. There is a double standard. Guys talk about sleeping with 200 girls, they're the man. Girls talk about sleeping with 200 guys, they're a slut." Thankfully for us, in 2010, both can safely be called tools. And also, "sleeping with 200 girls" would have to be in heavy quotes for any of that to be right.
This week's group therapy focused on video evidence of the Tools cheating on their girlfriends/boyfriend. Usually they show footage that was taken the same day as their fake Party Ambassador presentation, so it almost seems like these poor tools are victims of entrapment. This season, half of the tapes seem to have been submitted along with their original application videos. The tapes are seedy enough to give me a stomachache. Meanwhile, Teary Tool admits that his girlfriend "completes him" and Meth Tool's girlfriend flies off the handle, mouth-slapping him pretty hard. The married couple is truly hard to watch, since their interactions carry the weight of a thousand years' worth of intimate hurt. It's pretty clear they're headed straight down the toilet.
After an emotionally exhausting group therapy, the girlfriends relax by skinny-dipping in their pool. Meth Tool's girlfriend takes serious issue with it, positing that skinny-dipping won't help their relationships. If she were speaking to Lady Lovin' Toolette's girlfriend, that might be applicable, but it seems more like this whole thing is actually about how much she misses meth. From inside the house, Jennavecia Tool's boyfriend just keeps his eyes straight ahead, and when asked for a quote, says "...Girls...yeah, I don't know."
The next morning, we see a tool grab a fresh bandana from a colorful stack of starched bandanas in his suitcase. I wish I could grab a screen shot of it.
Guess what, I did.
This week's challenge is a Tool Academy classic: Tool-e-oke. The tools must cooperate with their angry girlfriends enough to produce a song and dance by sundown. During planning, Teary Tool finds out about his girlfriend's skinny-dipping and feels entirely cheated-on. "What, now suddenly two wrongs make a right?!" Somehow the marrieds win the Tool-e-oke contest (judged by Brian Dunkleman, Ryan Seacrest's long-lost American Idol season 1 co-host), and as a reward they get to go camping.
Back at the dorm, Neandertool tells Toolette he hopes she's the one going home. She tells him she doesn't like him. "I know," he mumbles, "but you like my body, bitch." I'm hoping that these two will make a huge mistake together and free up their respective partners, and then the better halves can pair up and it will be like at the end of That Thing You Do. Nice with nice.
Waiting to hear if he passed the Fidelity challenge, Boyband Tool (having sported his girlfriend's underwear onstage) explains, "hindsight is 20/20: shoulda put a pair of pants on." The tool who looks like Seann William Scott goes home, and his girlfriend, who reminds me of the orange little-girl monster on Sesame Street (the one who came along a little late for me and might speak spanish), stays with him. She's real embarrassed, though.
Next week's promo: Looks like the Academy's lack of meth is becoming a palpable problem for Rave Stick Tool & Co.
This week's group therapy focused on video evidence of the Tools cheating on their girlfriends/boyfriend. Usually they show footage that was taken the same day as their fake Party Ambassador presentation, so it almost seems like these poor tools are victims of entrapment. This season, half of the tapes seem to have been submitted along with their original application videos. The tapes are seedy enough to give me a stomachache. Meanwhile, Teary Tool admits that his girlfriend "completes him" and Meth Tool's girlfriend flies off the handle, mouth-slapping him pretty hard. The married couple is truly hard to watch, since their interactions carry the weight of a thousand years' worth of intimate hurt. It's pretty clear they're headed straight down the toilet.
After an emotionally exhausting group therapy, the girlfriends relax by skinny-dipping in their pool. Meth Tool's girlfriend takes serious issue with it, positing that skinny-dipping won't help their relationships. If she were speaking to Lady Lovin' Toolette's girlfriend, that might be applicable, but it seems more like this whole thing is actually about how much she misses meth. From inside the house, Jennavecia Tool's boyfriend just keeps his eyes straight ahead, and when asked for a quote, says "...Girls...yeah, I don't know."
The next morning, we see a tool grab a fresh bandana from a colorful stack of starched bandanas in his suitcase. I wish I could grab a screen shot of it.
Guess what, I did.This week's challenge is a Tool Academy classic: Tool-e-oke. The tools must cooperate with their angry girlfriends enough to produce a song and dance by sundown. During planning, Teary Tool finds out about his girlfriend's skinny-dipping and feels entirely cheated-on. "What, now suddenly two wrongs make a right?!" Somehow the marrieds win the Tool-e-oke contest (judged by Brian Dunkleman, Ryan Seacrest's long-lost American Idol season 1 co-host), and as a reward they get to go camping.
Back at the dorm, Neandertool tells Toolette he hopes she's the one going home. She tells him she doesn't like him. "I know," he mumbles, "but you like my body, bitch." I'm hoping that these two will make a huge mistake together and free up their respective partners, and then the better halves can pair up and it will be like at the end of That Thing You Do. Nice with nice.
Waiting to hear if he passed the Fidelity challenge, Boyband Tool (having sported his girlfriend's underwear onstage) explains, "hindsight is 20/20: shoulda put a pair of pants on." The tool who looks like Seann William Scott goes home, and his girlfriend, who reminds me of the orange little-girl monster on Sesame Street (the one who came along a little late for me and might speak spanish), stays with him. She's real embarrassed, though.
Next week's promo: Looks like the Academy's lack of meth is becoming a palpable problem for Rave Stick Tool & Co.
14 February 2010
The Night Of My Life: Surprise Tool Academy III Premiere
I was just starting to want to stop watching the Olympics today when suddenly Tool Academy III appeared on my tv guide! I'd had no idea the premiere was tonight! What better way to spend Valentine's Day than with a dozen juiced-up jerks - dreams can come true, evidently.
As we all know, I've been an avid fan of the Academy since season one, episode one. You can't write most of the stuff that comes out of their mouths! They're all going to therapy with Vanessa Hudgens form of: British Cougar! Season two features a tool named Big John, whose dismissal causes a power struggle that consists mainly of flexing duels ("Now that the king is gone, I got to stand my ground").
This season, the Academy flexed its door hinges wider than ever before. They enrolled two girl tools ("Toolettes") - one straight, and one gay - and a married couple, the fairer half of which was already completely humiliated by the second minute. I have to say, one of the toolettes is named Jennavecia. And one of the guys is named Chasyn.
I found out from wikipedia today that at least seven previous tools have participated in pornographic videos for a website called straight college men dot com. Please google, don't include me in that search!
The first day of class starts with some tool waking up and saying, "top of the mornin'...to y'all." What makes this show get better every season is how increasingly familiar the tools get with what it means to be on this show. Nowadays, when confronted with the cold hard truth that they've been taken to Tool Academy, most of these guys get genuinely upset. They immediately understand just how bad the situation is, and they usually cry.
"This is really toolish behavior," notes Trina Dolenz. I wonder if and hope that she's Mickey Dolenz's sister. Jennavecia has man hands, and I foresee repeating this observation a lot, a lot a lot. Suddenly the Glow-Sticker Tool has a really high, scratchy voice, exactly like the old pervert from Family Guy, and Trina asks if he's doing a voice.
Now it's on commercial, so I had to switch back to figure skating for my roommate. Now there's an NBC commercial for The Office: Here Comes Baby week. OK, back to school. Uh oh, they're in the doghouse! Literally, the Tools are sitting in doghouses as their girlfriends/boyfriend use literal tools to free them. Aw, Jennavecia's boyfriend calls her Jenny. Oh well.
Chasyn moves out! And he leaves Trina to pick up the pieces. That was a spoiler, I guess. I really should start writing those Here Be Spoilers pirate warnings, but you know how it goes. Anyways, the show's over, and next week's episode - airing at noon next Sunday on vh1 - looks even better. Here's to you, tools.
As we all know, I've been an avid fan of the Academy since season one, episode one. You can't write most of the stuff that comes out of their mouths! They're all going to therapy with Vanessa Hudgens form of: British Cougar! Season two features a tool named Big John, whose dismissal causes a power struggle that consists mainly of flexing duels ("Now that the king is gone, I got to stand my ground").
This season, the Academy flexed its door hinges wider than ever before. They enrolled two girl tools ("Toolettes") - one straight, and one gay - and a married couple, the fairer half of which was already completely humiliated by the second minute. I have to say, one of the toolettes is named Jennavecia. And one of the guys is named Chasyn.
I found out from wikipedia today that at least seven previous tools have participated in pornographic videos for a website called straight college men dot com. Please google, don't include me in that search!
The first day of class starts with some tool waking up and saying, "top of the mornin'...to y'all." What makes this show get better every season is how increasingly familiar the tools get with what it means to be on this show. Nowadays, when confronted with the cold hard truth that they've been taken to Tool Academy, most of these guys get genuinely upset. They immediately understand just how bad the situation is, and they usually cry.
"This is really toolish behavior," notes Trina Dolenz. I wonder if and hope that she's Mickey Dolenz's sister. Jennavecia has man hands, and I foresee repeating this observation a lot, a lot a lot. Suddenly the Glow-Sticker Tool has a really high, scratchy voice, exactly like the old pervert from Family Guy, and Trina asks if he's doing a voice.
Now it's on commercial, so I had to switch back to figure skating for my roommate. Now there's an NBC commercial for The Office: Here Comes Baby week. OK, back to school. Uh oh, they're in the doghouse! Literally, the Tools are sitting in doghouses as their girlfriends/boyfriend use literal tools to free them. Aw, Jennavecia's boyfriend calls her Jenny. Oh well.
Chasyn moves out! And he leaves Trina to pick up the pieces. That was a spoiler, I guess. I really should start writing those Here Be Spoilers pirate warnings, but you know how it goes. Anyways, the show's over, and next week's episode - airing at noon next Sunday on vh1 - looks even better. Here's to you, tools.
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