The Third Ever Tool Graduation

On Sunday, history happened: the third person to make it all the way through Tool Academy graduated. And to celebrate, he picked up Licensed Couples Therapist Trina Dolenz and shook her around.

The final merit badge of school was Commitment, and Teary Tool competed with Neandertool to prove just how committed they were. First they observed their own Toolvolution in therapy with Cougar Vanessa Hudgens. Neandertool was highly uncomfortable with the prospect of everyone seeing his nerdly younger days, and Teary didn't cry, not. Neandertool then kicked over the television monitor displaying his baby tool pictures, since wrecking costly things is mature behavior at its utmost.

After a super intense therapy session, the tools and their girlfriends relaxed with a little old-fashioned ropes course. Both tools were TERRIFIED of heights, which seems like the one phobia it's cool for tools to have. No way, dude, don't even - heights are way scary, bro. Teary Tool was really, really afraid of heights, though, and he basically peed his pants throughout the entire tightrope walk. Then both tools were remarkably composed for the second course, where they had to climb a pole, stand at the top of it like the Karate Kid, and jump to catch a trapeze. I think there must have been some trick photography there.

In Defending-Your-Tool hour, the girls blandly defended their boyfriends' progress as Trina pretended to listen and mentally compared the tools' naked bodies, part for part. Trina is so transparent.

Donning bright blue, oversized robes and mortarboards, the tools looked itchy at best during their final judgment. Trina toyed with them a little, pausing for thirty full seconds after stating Teary Tool's name. "Angelo...
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(commercial break)
".................
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......for eight weeks, you've worked hard in therapy."

In the end, Teary didn't graduate, but on the plus side, nobody called him "just a tool." Nice! In the most anticlimactic turn of events ever, Neandertool won the season. He declared that he's not a tool anymore, but I remain unconvinced. Hopefully Trina will deduct the price of their broken tv monitor from his $100,000 check. However! No engagement? No wedding? Things have really changed since the charter season. Skinny Tool and his Gross Girlfriend had to have a Tool Academy themed wedding! Neandertool didn't even have to get a haircut.

Looking back on the entire season, I feel like it flew by. Remember the other wrestler, Chasyn, who took himself out of the competition during the first episode? He was like a muscle-bound harbinger to Project Runway's Maya, whose recent self-dismissal was both unexpected and a miracle for Anthony! Hooray for Anthony!!!

In the end, I'd have to say that Anthony is the real winner. Congratulations, girl!